Siren_Cytherea's advice column

askSiren_Cytherea

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: thanks soo much if you read this i really need help =/

(im 16 hes 17 we're both juniors)

so a few nights ago me and my boyfriend had this huge like 3 hour talk. he lost his motivation to do like anything because his depression is kicking in again and he said he saw someone about it and asked why it was coming back because he thought that his life was going really good and they said he had to much stressors in his life like his school, sports, parents and girlfriend. he told me that i couldn't relate to what his parents were going through because my parents aren't divorced but then i told him that it doesn't matter and that you just need someone to help you get through it and it doesnt matter if they can relate or not. which he knows i completely would do whatever it takes to help him. then he was saying how he found "the one" way to early in life because we've been dating for 8 months now. (we're 17, juniors) and you're suppose to find them after college. and then i told him he was planning way to far ahead and that we're not even seniors yet and something might happen and as much as i want us to, we might not even last until then to stop planning so far ahead...so like i don't know what to do, i think the best thing for him would be for me to break up with him until he can get his life together but i'm worried that will just make him even more depressed because he told me he's so scared of love and definetly does not throw it around and he said he's 100% positive that he loves me, and i love him soo much, i actually cried the whole last night at even the thought of having to break up with him..but then again like his lack of motivation is downing me too because i understand his problem but he never wants to do anything anymore and i feel that im always the one trying to get ahold of him and he never calls me, so its not good for only one person in a relationship to be fighting...i don't know..please help.

First, I have to tell you that while I'm sure you have his best interest at heart, you may not actually know what's best for him. A breakup may not be what he wants at all.
There is no "supposed to" as far as finding "the one" goes. I know a couple who have been together since middle school who are married, having a baby, and very happy. I can understand how you'd be freaked out by him saying that, if you're not as sure as he is that you two are right for each other, though.
Depression is an incredibly difficult problem to deal with. It's very, VERY draining and causes the person to lose motivation for everything, even eating. That could be the reason he never calls you. You need to talk to him about this if you're concerned that you're the only person doing the contacting. But realize that he may actually be unable to call you right now, if he's having a lot of trouble with his depression. Or, he might be thinking along the same lines you are - he might think you'd be better off if you didn't have him to drag you down. You're right that it's not good for only one person in a relationship to be fighting, but you also must take into account that having a depressed significant other is not a normal circumstance. It happens all the time, but chemical depression makes things a little different.
If you two love each other, there's no reason for you to break up unless the relationship isn't working anymore. If he grows weakened because of his depression, you need to be the strong one. Don't let him bring you down - enjoy the little things. Smile when it's sunny. Be happy that you have a guy who loves you so much, even if he is depressed and having trouble opening up to you. Show him that he can open up to you, that he can rely on you and doesn't need to push you away. That trust will come in time, and your relationship will be all the stronger because of it.
You're right in thinking that 8 months is a little soon to be certain that you're going to get married, but don't let it scare you away from him. People with depression often have extreme ways of thinking - they feel things very intensely.
No, you can't relate to his parents completely, but as I said, he needs to learn that he can lean on you. The only way for him to come to that conclusion is to experience that you understand him. I think you two need to have another talk to discuss what you're feeling. Tell him what you told us - that you feel like you're the only person fighting for this relationship. See what he says.
Open lines of communication are the most important aspect to any relationship. Open your mouth, not just your mind and heart. =)
-Siren

Rating: 5

thanks alot

bio

I'm a laid-back 26 year old with a Psychology BA, starting my MA program, and working my way into the field as quickly as I can. It took me an extra Bachelor's degree (in vocal performance and creative writing) to figure it out, but I was put on this Earth to help, to heal, and to love.

I have made the decision to dedicate my life and career to helping others. I am here to do just that.

I've been a member since 2004, and since I signed up, I've gone through quite a lot and learned quite a lot from it. I'm here to give guidance where I had none; no one should have to go through the difficulties I went through alone.

Feel free to visit my website/blog, if you want to read my experience with domestic violence and my thoughts on it.

***While I do tend to answer mental health and other health-related or medicine-related questions, I am by NO MEANS a licensed physician or practitioner of any sort. Any and all advice I give for these questions is from my own experience or studies.***

If you need to get a hold of me quickly, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. Just let me know you found me here.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that there are no stupid questions except the ones left unasked, so, please, keep an open mind, heart, and mouth.

Siren