teardrops7's advice column

i feel so so so so bad.....

worse i put myself down because i feel exposed and embarrassed... i had two best friends.. a girl and a guy.

both just ditch me and basically cut me out of their lives....

it feels worse with the guy because he has done nothing to me but support me where as i have been annoying... i was going through the worst 2 years of my life and we met in college and we got along fast.. so i told him everything..... then things started getting worse (he is so homophobic) and when i move i made friends with a gay guy and he got pissed and though he was fine with it things began to go down hill (see my town believes gays "are going to hell" and he and my family are the same so it isn't that he is mad i moved and made friends he just thinks my values are different and i am "lower" than his level) any way so i after i'd spilled my heart and soul to him.... about my depression how my family went mad over my friendship with this guy (i am female btw! so it's not like i am "shaming" them) anyway so since i am pretty much liberal i got into this dark phase where i was on pills because i almost committed suicide...

i sent him an email explaining that that year was an experimental year (coz i tried a joint once and i know i shouldn't have i was curious) anyway so he backed of cold turkey and he doesn't talk to me!!!

i am pissed coz i feel i let him into my deepest and he flipped on me and thinks of me in an inferior kind of way...and the distance isn't helping... i am still "suicidal" according to my doc.. my parents don't know because they don't believe in therapy and i'd get in so much trouble if i told them i'm going....

anyway so thats the guy... the girl has been a bitch... i've known her since 4th grade but our parents don't know each other and just as our friendship was soooo tight between us it was that far apart with the parents (in a formal way meaning they don't know each other) anyway after i moved i got in some major trouble and got caught so i came up with a lie saying that i lied about the whole thing but my dad apparently has a secret device thing that records my fone calls and so when i called to tell her of my wild night out he flipped and i got beat for it.... anyway so i said i lied so i don't get killed (i mean i just got about 3 or 4 punches which is fine) i told them i lied to her and nothing is true... so not only did i get the punishment and lost all respect i wasnt allowed to talk to her... and i was willing to ignore that and do it anyway cause she has been the only one who stood by me..... so anyway when i told her she got mad and said how could i say something like that about her.. and she knows how i could have been killed for it or badly hurt.. i mean i know i was irresponsible and i learned from my mistake... anyway so she kept saying why me why me.. i told her because i trusted her... anyway so she ignored me.. i was cool with her cooling down but i apologized.. thats about the time when i was being locked up at home so i was becoming suicidal and cutting myself and all.. since all our communication was happening online she didn't take what i was telling her seriously.... and she stopped answering my emails and now she just blocked me from everywhere... i mean i tried and i told her i understood and i even cleared her with my parents and i told her that.... she just left me in the gutter.....

i am honestly so mad at her because i know she is mad too but she could forgive.... you know? i'm so mad at her i can't help but wanting to talk to her...but i sent a million emails so far and she ignored me.... i am hurt and feeling miserable... and counseling isn't helping anymore.. i feel so so lonely and i've lost hope in all people.. people are hypocrites.. no one really has the intention to help someone else..i can't tell my psychiatrist that i am thinking of ending it cause he may contact people and my parents will kill me... please don't tell me to talk to my family you are just wasting your time... i really need some kind of human contact... i feel so needy, self pitying, and desperate it is disgusting me but i can't solve my problems on my own.... some one help... the pain is so unbearable.. I'm sleeping so much it is unbelievable...

Just having one of those sucky days huh? I personally think that you are better off without them. They dont seem like real friends. I mean the guy, he shouldnt judge you for being friends with a gay guy. People who like the same sex, have feelings too. They breathe, they walk, the reproduce. They live. I think that you are in a right place to be friends with this guy.
And your parents, they shouldnt beat you like that. And they shouldnt "kill" you for something as stupid as hanging out with a gay guy or going to a party.
The girl just sounds like everyone else; ignorant...
But since you are wanting to make things right, try something other than email. Try talking to them in person. And if they dont talk to you, then its their fault. None of this is your fault. Dont apologize. Just talk to them, make contact. And like i said if they dont talk to you back, then you know who your true friends are.
Friends dont turn on you like that. Dont blame yourself. You are better off without them if they will just be that way...

Everyone loves to be loved and everyone needs to be needed. But dont end it. That is one of the worst things you could do. You dont need to run away from the problem. Run towards it, head on! Some people leave their families and start new lives because of things like this. I really hope you decide to keep on going. And you could tell your psychiatrist, everything you tell them is supposed to be private. If they tell they could get fired and loose their degree. Doctor patient confidentiality. If you tell him, then tell him not to tell a soul. I strongly urge it. Tell him how they treat you (your parents) its not healthy.
He will help you...
good luck
-hayley

NOTHING abosolutely nothing is wrong with you my dear...It is the world around you. Dont give into them!! Please i am begging you. Ending it would and is one of the worst things you can do. So please, please dont go through with it...I know i dont even know you, but i feel your pain, and if i could i would hug you and tell you everything would be okay...But i cant...I just dont want you to go sucidal...I already care for you..There are people out there who care...And it may not seem like it now, but those people you were talking about would probably care.

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(Rating: 5) thank you....today i was supposed to go on with it... but i was so sad i kept crying the whole time. and every time i tried my parents yelled for something for me to do... i can't tell the therapist he told me...at the very beginning that if i become suicidal then he will have to ask for help and tell someone....i can't risk it... in case i don't die life will be worse with my parents....i am so depressed its me not anything anymore... something is horribly wrong with me...

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