Sometimes my advice is good advice, and sometimes it's just an opinion. Sometimes people don't take good advice (ironically.) If everybody would just talk to each other, we'd have world peace, so you probably won't see "just talk to them" in my column.
I worked as a Registered Nurse for a few years so I know a little about health.
I think and read about spiritual things. I answer spiritual questions without trying to convert anyone to my own beliefs. I'm a non-denominational Christian, but I believe everyone has a path to follow, and God is patient, so I answer spiritual questions from where you are.
Gender: Female
Location: FL
Occupation: Old wise woman
Member Since: January 12, 2004
Answers: 327
Last Update: June 8, 2006
Visitors: 16158
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how do you rate somebodie (link)
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If you are talking about Advicenators Columnists, when you get an answer to your question, there is a way to rate the answer at the bottom, and a box to leave comments.
If you go to an advice columnist's column, at the top, there is a link called "View Feedback." Click on that and there is a list of numbers, some with comments. Click on the number and it shows you the question that rating was given for.
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I was always a dork through middle school, and so I picked up a lot of dorky friends. Recently, I've become somewhat popular, and have picked up quite a few new (though no-less-dorky) friends. Through some weird twist of fate, my two groups of friends all happen to know each other. It really is a small world, isn't it? Anyway, I love all my friends dearly, but some of them don't get along with each other. I'd like to have a birthday party and have them all over, but I know it would be awkward since they all have different interests, and some of them don't get along. I know I shouldn't be friends with them if they don't value me enough to *try* to get along, but it may be the last chance I have to see some of them, and I'd like all of them to have a good time. Do you have any ideas on some activites I could set up to appease both my normal friends and my video-game/computer nerd friends? What could I say to my friends that don't get along? Should I have two separate parties?! None at all?!?! (link)
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I think video game/computer nerds are the normal ones.
Anyway, have two parties. None of my friends get along with each other either. You are lucky to have enough friends that you can have two parties. :)
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A lot of the questions have little faces at the end and I've never figured out how to do this. Just curious. (link)
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On Advicenators, if an advice columnist has an enough questions rated, and an average rating of over 4 in the last 30 days, they can rate questions. When we sign in, there are 3 smiley icons next to each question (smile, straight line, and frown.) The questions get a rating based on the average of the votes of the columnists. If it has a smile, and less than 3 answers, then it shows up on the home page as a featured question. A straight line might if there are no other questions available. A frown won't. These questions are usually very hard to understand, or have too much sexual content.
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My brother has a job but wanted a better job.
He went on an interview and told them that if he gets the job, "he" wanted to tell his boss he's leaving and give 2 weeks notice. He found out he got the job when his boss said he got a call asking for references because he starts in 2 weeks! The boss is angry and dosen't want to give him anymore work.
What should my brother do? Should he start to work at the new place sooner and let them know why? (link)
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Giving two weeks notice is standard practice. There are employers that will tell you to leave and notice is not required when you let them know you are leaving for another job.
I hope I understand this right. Your brother has been contacted by the new employer and told he is hired. His present employer got a call asking for references before your brother had a chance to give notice. Then your brother gave notice, and his present employer told him notice was not necessary. He is no longer employed there.
In that case your brother can contact his new employer and tell them he is available sooner or he can start on the date they agreed on two weeks away - it is up to him.
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What is a good watermelon cookie recipe?
I have one but I was wondering if anyone else had a good recipe.
(link)
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I didn't know you could make cookies out of watermelons so I did a search and the recipes are all very similar. They look like watermelons, but don't include watermelon in the ingredients. I don't think any of them vary a lot from what you probably already have.
I did find this really interesting website though.
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I rent in california, and was looking to buy some property in Nevada to rent out. I spend quite a bit of time there through out the year. Can I claim residence in Nevada for tax purposes? (link)
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If you don't plan on residing there, you may not be able to. Usually to claim residence you have to live there 6 months or more out of the year. If you are renting out the Nevada property, this will show on a lot of records. Your renters will have the address on their drivers licenses, their utility bills, school records, etc. so you can't exactly claim you lived there.
This is just an opinion, but to get better advice, ask the California state tax bureau.
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my mom and dad are divoce and i keep on thinking my mom and my sis only care about my dad's money,and my uncle is in jail 4 5 years and i think my mom's friend husdand tryed touching me and my dad got married without asking us (link)
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Definitely talk to someone you trust about your mom's friend's husband and what happened. That is not a good thing. It should not happen again.
You are not alone with a messed-up family. The best thing you can do for yourself is to find good friends that you can trust and talk to. Try counselors at school, or if you go to a church, try talking to a youth leader there.
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I live in a log cabin in Texas that is a real log cabin. It is really really old but I do not know how to tell how old it is. It is in Harris County, near Houston. It actually has a Houston address but it is just outside Houston. Anybody have any idea how I could find out how old it is? Any websites I could go to? I have tried those websites that you pay and they could not turn up anything. (link)
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Houston is a large city, so there is probably a historical society of some sort there. Try them first. If you can't find one, call a museum and ask. They may be able to refer you to someone who could give you historical information. You can also call the city property records and ask if they have information on when the house was built or old tax records.
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Ok i read the response u had for a young lady struggling with weight and u basically said being skinny is not all it s cracked up to be and let someone fall in love with u for u
Ok i am a lesbian woman and so i met this woman on the chat line and we were really feeling each other s personalities and she was more infatuated with me than i was with her, to the point where she was like "u cld be talking to ur wife" so anyways i sent her my picture and she was like i m disappointed and we have not really spoke since.
I am an overweight woman and i sometimes feel that i am not attractive but i love the way i look it just seems that others dont. It seems to be very hard for me to meet women due to my lack of self confidence, how can someone lose interest just like that ? it seems impossible to have someone fall for u when it is always about what u look like physically! (link)
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Everyone has a "type" and some people are attracted to heavier people. I know they seem to be in the minority, but they are out there.
On-line is not a good way to meet someone and know if you will be attracted in person. Also, there could have been other things going on. It is too easy to be dishonest over the internet.
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Are there any heros these days? Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business leaders? Sports figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we're lucky if they don't end up in prison. (link)
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I think the "heroes" of the past just never got caught. It was always a fantasy.
Remember everyone is human and makes mistakes, and there are no absolutely good people. You can find good in everyone if you look for it (most of the time.) Instead of hoping to find someone who is all good, look at those who have traits you admire, but don't expect perfection.
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I have recently noticed a number of small pimple like irritations on my penis head and shaft. (link)
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Definitely go to a doctor. There is no way to know on-line and it could be a number of things.
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Before having a child i have never "farted" through my vagina. however my child is one and ever since i had him, right after sex this happens to me. i am about to have another child and am wondering:
Will it get worse with another child?
What causes this?
And most importantly
HOW DO I GET IT TO STOP?
it kills the moment and is embarrasing. (link)
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Here is what I think -
It won't get worse with another child.
Air causes it. You have a little more space in there since you had a child, because the vaginal walls are a little looser. It probably occurs when you change position because the air is squeezed out when you move.
To get it to stop, I would think it would help to just move slowly and carefully afterwards. :0) You can also try some exercises to re-condition the vaginal walls. You have to consciously focus on the muscles inside the vagina and try to squeeze them. In fact, during sex, you can ask your husband to help you by letting you know if he can feel the difference when you tighten those muscles. It can be done with practice. I don't know how much it will help, but you can try.
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yesterday i was at my parents house because my dad was fixing my car. well my boyfriend went home for lunch, which is about two minutes from my parents house. he calls me and asks how my car is coming. i tell him that my dad is still working on it, because i was going to surprise him that it was finished. he says he is going to eat something and go to the bathroom, then he would go to my moms and see me. the night before we had watched scary movie part 3 and pamela andersons boobs are popping out of her shirt. these kinds of things in movies upset me and he knows it. well i head to our house, i open the door and what i see shocks me! he has a sock on his penis and is getting off to pam, the same movie that we had seen together the other night. i feel betrayed and i feel like he has hid this from me, what else? i have asked him before if he had done this and he said no. i lost his trust. am i overreacting? whos right here? and what should i do? we have a baby and i am pregnant and 19. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (link)
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I am not clear on this. You caught him doing this at home, or at your parent's house???? If it was your parent's house, you have a problem. If it was at your home, I think you are overreacting.
I think all men do this some time. Everyone needs a little privacy sometimes. It is not the same as cheating on you. It is just a fantasy.
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Dear spacefem,
I have been married for 16 years with 2 wonderful daughters. During our marriage my wife started to become slack with her duties and obligations as a wife and mother. These were all of her agreement, and some due to her own choices proir to and during the marriage. I have tried to approach the subject with concern and respect, usually ending in conflict. Lately she has decided to do whatever she wants when she wants, even it means neglect to myself or our children. I try to understand her feelings and viewpoints, for myself and for my daughters.(They are well aware of her laziness and ask often.) I would have NEVER married her if I knew she was this way. I feel that life is too short to spend with the wrong person. We are growing apart each day, I personally never expected much from this world as far as romance, I've never been the ladies' man. But I would like to provide a better life for my children, I don't think this is a good example of relationships/ marriage for them to observe. If it was just her and I, I would drop her like a bad habit and never speak to her again. Any advice or suggestions?
Best friend I never had...
(link)
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You don't say how old your daughters are. Their age makes a difference. If they are older they will not need as much care and attention.
You also use the phrase "duties and obligations as a wife and mother" without being specific. You say she is not just neglecting your children but you too. Apparently you and your wife have a different definition of what a wife and mother should be.
Definitely you sound like you don't want to be in the marriage any more, but I don't know exactly where where your wife is coming from. You are using her "laziness" as a justification to leave the marriage.
As for suggestions, there is the obvious - marriage counseling. I think this would really help because you need to examine your motives and feelings very closely. There is a lot more going on here than you can put in a few paragraphs on line.
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I fear the summer. I have a tendency to become depressed during this time. I sit at home, with nothing to work on accept my music, my low-budget movie, and my artwork, and that only takes up so much time. I live in a small town with nothing for entertainment, so I just sit at home thinking, and when I think to much, I'll probably get sad over my loneliness, bordem, mother's financial situation, health issues, etc, leading to depression. I hang out with friends, but not as much as I would like. Some of my friends lead more depressing lives than mine. Please don't advise me to make new ones, remember I live in a small town. My car is constantly dying, so I can't safely go outside of town. There's no job that I know of that's not depressing near here. What should I do? (link)
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I know how you feel.
Jade Greene had good advice about self employment, if you are not too deep into depression. I would also consider a part time job, even a depressing one. You don't have to stay if it is really bad, but it might be better than nothing.
Exercise is the best thing I can think of, and if it includes other people at regular times to get you motivated, that is even better. Look around at recreation centers, the Y, or if you can get them interested start a team for some kind of sport with your friends. It can be low key like frisbee or hiking.
A little bit of exercise is better than nothing at all.
If it get really bad (sleeping too much, eating to much or too little, feeling self destructive) talk to your family doctor.
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how do i talk to a boy if i don't know his name? (link)
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Talk about something in the news, in the area, or in both your lives, like "I hate rain" or "I wish they would paint this place something besides light green." Those are not very good examples. I'm sure you could think of a better one.
Then after a little while say "I'm (insert your name here), what's your name?"
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This may sound really dumb, but I am seriously obsessed with a particular male celebrity. For some weird reason, once I see that "one hot" celebrity and learn a bit about him, I change myself entirely towards what relates closely to him. For example, if I were absolutely in love with Johnny Depp, I'd start to do more dark things and even dye my hair black. It's hard for me to find relationships because I'm always looking for guys who are close or exactly like that particular male celebrity. I know I'm never going to meet any male celebrity, but there is always some kind of hope in me that says I will. HELP!!! (link)
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There is a time in your life where being obsessed with celebrities is a normal and healthy thing. It allows you to experiment with feelings, but without the danger of having to act on them, because the likelihood of meeting the object of your affection is slim. Eventually you will move on and start to like people who are more realistic choices.
So your obsession isn't a problem.
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My husband claims that he was physically and mentally abused by his alcoholic father while growing up. His mother and siblings claim that he is exaggerating, not one of them agree with his version. They say, in fact, that he was the one who got the most attention from the father because he was the star athlete of the family. My husband has turned out to be a very irresponsible adult, making compulsive decisions, always leading to disaster, we are financially ruined because of his get rich quick schemes, his gambling, bad business ventures, running up credit cards and bills he never intended to pay. He acts like a selfish, spoiled child, and often throws "adult" tantrums when he doesnt get his own way. He is selfish with his time, money, and belongings. Thinks of himself before his own kids. Has ignored his kids most of their life, because he would rather sit inside staring at sports games on television. Everything in his life is "all about him" He does not socialize, he has no male friends. He doesnt communicate with his family hardly ever. He has the worst habit of lieing I have ever seen on a grown up, everytime he is caught doing something he shouldnt, he lies and then covers up those lies with more lies, over and over. No matter how many times he is caught lieing, he continues to do it anyway. He lies over money, gambling, his job, situations that happen, its horrible. Does this sound like a man who was abused as a child, or does this fit the description of a man who was spoiled as a child and given privledges he didnt earn or deserve ? Im trying to see who is lieing , him or his family. He has hit rock bottom, as far as financially ruining us, his kids dont speak to him anymore, he doesnt live in our home any longer, he is just now claiming abuse, after 20 years of marriage to this man, he has never once mentioned abuse as a child. He even went as far as to go to the doctor for anti-depressants, they put him on Lexapro which is for severe depression, and he is seeing a phycotherapists. Is this just one big lie he is trying to pull off, or does he shows symptoms of abuse? The medication is making him even more distant and zombie like than he was in the first place. Normally he doesnt talk , he is silent no matter who is in the room or who comes over for parties or families gatherings, he seems incapable of striking up a conversation with anyone, unless it is a joke he heard, or sports related. Other than that, he is silent all the time. Now he's even worse. Im wondering if the medication is back firing, because he never needed it in the first place. Let me know what you think of all this. Thank you. (link)
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I believe you asked this question before, except I think at that time he was still living with you. (I may be wrong.)
First, yes, I believe he has depression, and needs the medication, but maybe the Lexapro isn't the right one.
You were married to him 20 years, and from your description it sounds like he hasn't changed significantly over that time, and your marriage has never been happy. Now that he isn't living with you anymore, the best think you can do is get some counseling for yourself. It should not be "all about him" but partly about you too.
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Tryst with a pseudo-humanist
Back-ground:-
I’m an Indian hindu unmarried guy of 37 years of age. I’ve got involved in a relationship with my ex-colleague, a married hindu woman who `s sharing a strained relationship with her husband. She is one of the most articulated persons ever seen by the narrator. Her husband is also a bright scholar & well established gentle man. You can say that they are the pair to envy.
Root:-
Everything went on well until she became pregnant for the first time. During that time she felt that other members of her husband’s family (except her husband) were not ready to welcome the birth of her expecting child. Even, they were not shy enough to create obstacle to the birth of her child & unfortunately, her first child survived for a few days.
Wall of seperation:-
In spite of her immense love & respect for her husband, she could not forgive her husband for the death of her child as she thought that her husband’s unwillingness & dilemma to protest against the ill treatment of her in-laws during pregnancy were partly responsible for the sad demise of her child. Her husband was not prepared to admit that his parents were culprit anyway. It’s true that she had to undergo through an extremely traumatic experience. Being a hyper sensitive & thoroughly autoerotic person, she had been carrying an indelible mark of this incident. So, she partially withdrew herself from her husband while living under the same roof & she wanted to take revenge.
The Conspiracy:-
She is intelligent enough to spot the narrator who always thinks with his heart rather than with his brain. He’s basically a sucker. She quickly & correctly anticipated that she got the tool for her revenge. Not only I did respect her but also blindly worshiped her. Actually, It was more a fiduciary relationship than an emotional relationship ab intio. She is a dedicated worker of a renowned N.G.O in West Bengal. Her nearly flawless superb pretensions made him sure to believe that she really loved him. With a subtle move she got a promise from him that he must leave his original profession, which would always need some compromises & it was decided that he would only apply for the job, which she might think to be fit on ethical ground. Actually, she hinted that we`re going to lead a life akin to ‘MAHESH & SARITA’(the immortal martyrs of Sabdagaon) in near future. Since, she has already deeply involved with social work, I need the requisite training before the final ‘go’. Actually, she knew very well that considering his age & limited talent, it’s virtually impossible for him to switch over to a new profession in near future. Actually, she wanted to make him handicapped like ‘Ekalabya’ for the time being to fulfill her revenge against her husband.
She also in turn promised to give her some financial assistance (hire charges for using the tool for revenge!) for scarifying his right to earn on some so-called ethical grounds. She clarified her that they `d settle in a different locality & environment where his profession would be of no use & he `d prepare himself from now onwards. His consent to her proposal actually made him vulnerable & provided her with sufficient excuse to stay with her husband & continue her game with him. Actually, she did not want to leave her husband but she sought to take revenge against her husband by keeping the narrator handicapped in the name of struggle for purification.
I always place conscience above institutionalised concept of morality & religion. Without having any doubt & idea of the conspiracy at that time, the narrator suggested that she must tell her husband about the relationship ab initio. He did not want to carry on a clandestine affair. Rather, he’d like to settle with her and she told every thing to her husband. But, her husband might have thought that it was a casual relationship arising out of their differences & it would eventually break-up. So, he preferred to adopt wait & watch technique. On the other hand, we became closer & closer day by day. Then, again, I asked for her divorce but she explained & assured the narrator that she’d leave her husband only after giving him adequate times to prepare emotionally & mentally for this delicate & sensitive situation. Rather, we were supposed to wait patiently & she told him that she `d alone negotiate the matter with her husband. The narrator agreed to her proposal reluctantly.
Being an impartial narrator, I must say that this idiot narrator is no match for her husband so far as social status, establishment & recognition are concerned. On the other hand, this is the obvious reason for picking him as a prey to nullify the possibility of backlash if he could at all realise at any point of time that his life was being merely used as a pawn. It’s a well-calculated risk. If her real intentions `re exposed at any point of time to the narrator, the relative differences between her husband & the narrator would always be a convincing & covering factor to deny the allegations. She even did not make this relationship hidden to her husband. In fact, She was making her ground to return back to her husband by giving him the impression that she could only pardon his fault if he could pardon her infidelity. Actually, this only can justify her partial withdrawal & subsequent re-union. This narrator has always been suffering from inferiority complex & he revealed all the secrets closed in his chest to avoid any misunderstanding in future. Actually, he made himself more vulnerable to her tricks by this process of frank & open confession that she later exploited to keep him silent.
The Trap:-
When she invited the narrator to accompany her on her official tour (as he was made unemployed by virtue of his promise), he asked her to inform it to her husband beforehand, but she argued in favour of her rights & liberty against the patriarchy. Moreover, she also opined that I was his de-facto husband & it `s my conservative & traditional cliché outlook which had produced so many confusions & dilemmas. She assured me that she did not find any thing unnatural as she was traveling with her husband & she `d feel more secure with her husband (none other than me) during the tour & it `s the duty of the husband to accompany his wife during the tour when he `s requested to do so. I also considered her as my wife from the core of my heart & I thought that she was right. So, I ignored the ‘ timing difference’ ---- that she was my would-be-wife. But, I don `t give any excuse for my offence, rather I `m ready accept the dues for my offence.
On her return from the tour she realised that the game of revenge went far beyond her expectation, as during the tour her involvement with him did not restrict to superficial involvement. It certainly violated the basic conditions of a conjugal life in our society and she readily confessed her so-called infidelity to her husband. The underlying message `s very clear--- her willful derailment should be seen in the light of his lack of protest to the ill-treatment (of her in-laws) during pregnancy which was responsible for the death of her son.
At the same time she could not tell the idiot that his role was accomplished. She knew very well that he was very serious about this relationship. She might have been afraid of backlash & moreover she was especially conscious of her public image. So, she had been trying several times to exploit his earlier confessions to cut off the relationship but ultimately could not make it for lack of solid & reasonable excuses. Moreover, she might have thought that by sabotaging the life of the narrator (i.e. by keeping the narrator unemployed for some more times), she could have automatically ruined his life completely. Then only it `d be easier for her to shake him off completely from her life without creating much hue & cry. ‘If you can kill a person by applying sugar, there is no need to waste poison’. Actually, she needed a face-saving formula to reject the narrator without creating a suspicion in the mind of the narrator of her real intentions. Ultimately, She was caught in a catch 22 situations.
Idiocy:-
In the meantime, this narrator got a job after fulfilling all the conditions, but she, somehow managed to persuade him to refuse the job otherwise her intentions were likely to be exposed for which she was not prepared at that time. To her worst imaginations, he immediately got a second job after refusing the first one. So, the question of divorce & settlement can’t be kept under carpet & she became restless. Then, all the so-called obstacles were absent & it needed only some times to make the relationship overt. Contrary to his perception skill, this idiot narrator smelled something unnatural which he didn’t want to believe because he was not prepared to admit the truth that he had been continuously used as a pawn by his idol. To get rid of such uncertainty & confusions, he intimated her that a child could only strengthen the bond between them. Later, she informed that she was carrying the child of the narrator. Then, he was relieved to some extent that she could easily ask for divorce from her husband as he was actual father of the child without being aware that only time could tell what further misfortunes were in store.
Mockery of Motherhood:-
Her inhibitions & guilty–feeling (like some Roman Catholics) forced her to give birth to the child. Moreover, she wanted to convince her husband that the death of her first child was not an accident; rather ill treatment of her in-laws during pregnancy was primarily responsible for the damage. But she maneuvered very cleverly. She asked the narrator to leave his job which allegedly did not meet the ethical standard which she suddenly & subsequently discovered from her reliable sources & she explained that she `d prefer to stay with her husband till the birth of her child due to some legal complications. Actually, according to my assumptions, she already struck a deal with her husband & surrendered herself willingly to her husband as her revenge was more than accomplished then. As, the narrator explained her that he needed some times to leave the job; she threatened to cut-off all the relations with him. It’s quite evident that the ‘Game of Revenge’ as well as ‘Playing with life of the Narrator’ could continue only by making the narrator unemployed by some pretexts or other. He could not withstand so much pressure tactics & ultimately succumbed to her pressure as an innocent child’s life `s put into stake. After leaving the job this guy with his limited capability could not find another job till today, but there’s none to blame for his hapless condition except his blind faith & idiocy. Since, she already managed the support of her husband, she knew very well that he could not expose the relationship, as he won’t be able to justify the relationship socially & legally. Still, She didn’t want to take any risk & left no stone unturned to ruin his life completely to nip in the bud his right as a father. Moreover, most of us do not learn to differentiate between Character & Characteristics. As a result, even a hardcore rapist always tries to assassin the character of his victim to dilute the charges against him. In this case this narrator is primarily an offender under the Indian Penal Code and ignorance of law is no excuse for an offender. She also virtually threatened to sue him for adultery if he dared to surface the issues to keep him silent & these unabashed tricks of fee-faw-fun ultimately helped the narrator to get rid of his obsession for her & to introspect the future of his daughter.
Adultery or Sophisticated Rape?
Moreover, she might have assumed that by economically destroying the life of the narrator, she could have efficiently performed the bloodless murder & thereby reduced the chances of potential backlash. You may be aware of the fact that our Honourable Calcutta High Court has recently given a ruling that if a man cohabits with a willing woman by virtue of a false promise, the woman’s consent cannot be considered as a free & fair consent & it is equivalent to rape. But, the law is alarmingly silent if the aggrieved party is a male. I firmly believe that considering the real motive behind the situation it’s more than just a rape or an ordinary murder. Only a slow-poisoned murder can come close to it.
The future of an innocent child :-
Undoubtedly, the narrator has done some thing, which is illegal, & his life is completely ruined by chasing a wild goose. On the other hand, she not only spoiled the life of this chap to satisfy her revenge, she has also welcomed her own daughter with a crown of adultery. I know that anybody in place of the narrator would obviously retaliate by some brutal methods as a natural reaction to this heinous & fatal play. Now, he at first desires to expose her inhumanity even at the cost of his imprisonment so as to send the message to his child that she is not a product of careless fun rather a byproduct of an unprecedented game of revenge. At least, she’ll not face humiliation for the rest of her life by carrying an unbearable & unjustified load of gratitude.
I know that she `d try to project my daughter as a child of adultery & display the virtue & greatness of her husband for admitting the illegitimate child. This could be the best advertisement for her forgettable & forgivable derailment (which she willingly advocating now to suppress the heinous motive behind building this relationship) & subsequent reunion. All these may prove the resilient bond provided by the institution through ‘marriage’. This certainly does not intend for the best interest & development of the child. According to my viewpoint, if any body dares to play with another’s life, he/she must be ready to face the consequences. Everybody’s life is equally important in this world. He even asked her husband to go to the court, but he was not ready to go to the court to risk the position & prestige of her beloved. She even tries to hide her inhumanity by using her image & pretended repentance for her infidelity. Is it sufficient to restore the life of the narrator & to exonerate this child from the indelible mark of adultery? I only & earnestly desire that a D.N.A. test `ll undoubtedly prove that I have been purposely misinformed about the paternity of the child.
Access to justice is a basic human right. Denial of justice is not less than denial of basic human rights. Justice in its true sense, is something all of us crave but, with the path to it being what it is like, it should come as no surprise that the wronged potential litigant in our country prefers to “ endure what cannot be cured”, especially if he is timid type. This approach is even inferior to the ‘Crime’ itself as it paves the way of another crime. The comparatively brave or reckless might opt for the parallel system of justice but then even that has its own pitfalls. And as for those of us who rush in where angels even fear to tread, in the belief that our so-called rights are really & truly ‘fundamental’ only time can tell what further misfortunes are in store.
I must say that it is adultery in form but in substance it is a ‘slow-poisoned murder along with sophisticated rape’ as far as consequences are concerned. Is it not a miscarriage of justice if we give priority to the form over substance in this particular case?
To label this incident as a natural death of a relationship is nothing but a sophisticated & subtle attempt to suppress the following fundamental issues involved with it: -
1. Can a child be deprived to enjoy the association of her original father
without her knowledge & consent?
2. What will happen to this innocent child if she gets any further child from her legal husband?
3. Who’ll take the responsibility if the load of gratitude cripples this child’s
personality?
4. Is the legal system a prisoner of itself to deliver justice to an offender because of his gender when his fundamental rights are destroyed by fraud, blackmailing & cheating?
5. Last but not the least, Is it not a miscarriage of justice if we give priority to the form over substance in this particular case?
Thanks for investing your time to complete this representation.
With Regards,
Indranil Ray
22, BABUPARA ROAD (1ST FLOOR)
BHATPARA. 24 PARGANAS(N)
WEST BENGAL. 743123
To,
The Secretary
Supreme Court Legal Services Committee
109, Lawyers' Chambers,
Supreme Court Compound,
New Delhi-110 001
Sub:- Seeking the path lead to Natural Justice justice by a prima facie offender.
Hon`ble Sir,
I appeal to your good self for the path to justice. I fervently request you to go through the enclosed documents. I’m ready to surrender myself for the violation of the existing law of our Country. I do not offer any excuse but I `d like to save my child from an image –maniac.
I know that no legal practitioner will be interested to stand up for the undersigned from the viewpoint of professional prudence & judgment. Even, each & every well-wisher advises me to forget the whole incident, but I can not. It seems to me that I have deserted my child in a horrible condition to avoid my imprisonment.
In my opinion, the very purpose of the law will be defeated if we do not give priority to the substance over form. I hope that legal system of the country does have the required power to apply principle of natural justice to a prima facie offender whose very basic right to live & earn livelihood have been destroyed by fraud, cheating & blackmailing.
I have already wasted so much invaluable time to search the proper way to counter the trap keeping in mind arrangement of alternative provision for this child. Now, I`m in a position to take care of my child despite the fact that I have been still swimming against the tide of inhuman & heinous conspiracy.
As, the concerned persons are very very influential & close to the establishment of the State, I feel that they can adopt any possible means to censor me if I move through proper channel. A criminal investigation is in the hands of police & is subject to executive control at the State. Investigations may be tailored to achieve predetermined results. The presiding judge can only decide on the basis of evidence produced before him. There is no way he can plug the loopholes & defaults in an investigation, factors that ultimately lead to the miscarriage of justice. Without an independent investigative body, justice will be delayed & denied. So, I appeal to you to intervene & arrange investigation as early as possible. Even a free, fair, speedy & independent criminal investigation can help the undersigned least, unless & until I am lucky enough to get a judge with a third eye & third ear.
I also admit that there is need for more & more women-friendly law in the context of our social system. It is also onerous responsibility of the State to ensure that nobody should dare to abuse the provisions of the law. Law should aim at removing injustice from the society rather than moulding the weaker to the wicked. Otherwise, the very purpose of the law is defeated. I can settle my personal score with the help of alternative system of justice keeping in mind my vulnerable position but, I have decided to send a message to the wicked who `ll at least think twice before abusing the loophole of the law for their vested interests.
I earnestly desire that a D.N.A. test `ll undoubtedly prove that I have been purposely misinformed about the paternity of the child. My life is purposely & wilfully destroyed by Ms. Ishika Basu, d/o Mr. Dilip kumar Dey, w/o Mr. Ashis Basu of P-21 Rastraguru Avenue, kolkatta-28, West Bengal by fraud, cheating & blackmailing.
So, I appeal to your good self to advise me the future course of action so that I can give a good fight to the pseudo- humanist even against the heaviest odds. I believe that, if it can be properly handled, this case must be one of the most sensational & Landmark cases of India. So, I request you to go through the enclosed documents & clarify the issues raised elsewhere keeping in mind every nook & cranny of the Indian Penal Code.
Thanks & Regards,
Yours truly,
Indranil Ray
22, BABUPARA ROAD (1ST FLOOR)
BHATPARA. 24 PARGANAS(N)
WEST BENGAL. 743123
.
sclsc@nic.in
I’m a hindu unmarried guy. I’ve got involved in a relationship with my ex-colleague who is a married hindu woman who shares a strained relationship with her husband.
She is one of the most articulated persons ever seen by the narrator. She herself loves her Angel like image & enjoys her demigod status. Her husband is also a bright scholar & well established gentleman. You can say that they are the pair to envy. Everything went on well until she became pregnant for the first time. During that time she felt that other members of her husband’s family (except her husband) were not ready to welcome the birth of her expecting child. Even, they were not shy enough to create obstacle to the birth of her child & unfortunately her first child survived for a few days.
In spite of her immense love & respect for her husband, she could not forgive her husband for the death of her child as she thought that her husband’s unwillingness & dilemma to protest against the ill treatment of her in-laws are partly responsible for the sad demise of her child. It’s true that she had to undergo through an extremely traumatic experience. Being a hyper sensitive & thoroughly autoerotic person, she had been carrying an indelible mark of this incident. So, she partially withdrew herself from her husband while living under the same roof & she wanted to take revenge.
She is intelligent enough to spot the narrator who always thinks with his heart rather than with his brain. He’s basically a sucker. She quickly & correctly anticipated that she got the tool for her revenge. Not only I did respect her but also blindly worshiped her. I can bet that anybody without having knowledge of this incident could not have different feelings for her. Her nearly flawless superb pretensions made him sure to believe that she really loved him. With a subtle move she got a promise from him that he must leave his original profession, which would always need some compromises & it was decided that he would only apply for this job, which she might think to be fit on ethical ground. She knows very well that considering his age & limited talent, it’s virtually impossible for him to switch over to a new profession in near future. Actually, she wanted to make him handicapped like Ekalabya for the time being to fulfill her revenge against her husband in the name of struggle for purification.
She also in turn promised to give her some financial assistance (hire charges for using the tool for revenge!) for scarifying his right to earn on some so-called ethical ground. She clarified her that they `d settle in a different locality & environment where his profession would be of no use & he `d prepare himself from now onwards. His consent to her proposal actually made him vulnerable & provided her with sufficient excuse to stay with her husband & continue her game with him. Actually, she did not want to leave her husband but she sought to take revenge against him.
I always place conscience above institutionalised concept of morality & religion. Without having any doubt & idea of the above the real conspiracy at that time, the narrator suggested her that she should tell her husband about the relationship ab initio. He doesn’t want to carry on a clandestine affair. Rather, he’d like to settle with her and she told every thing to her husband. But, her husband might have thought that it was a casual relationship arising out of their differences & it would eventually break-up. So, he preferred to adopt wait & watch technique. On the other hand, we became closer & closer day by day. Then again I ask for her divorce but she explained me that she’d like to give her husband some time to prepare him mentally for the separation. Rather, we should wait patiently & she told him that she `d alone negotiate the matter with her husband. The narrator agreed to her proposal reluctantly.
Being an impartial narrator, I must say that this idiot narrator is no match for her so far as social status, establishment & recognition are concerned. On the other hand, this is the obvious reason for picking him as a prey to nullify the possibility of backlash if he could at all realise at any point of time that his life was being merely used as a pawn. She even did not make this relationship hidden to her husband. Actually, She was making her ground to return back to her husband by giving him the impression that she could only pardon his fault if he could pardon her infidelity. Actually, this only can justify her partial withdrawal & subsequent re-union. This narrator has always been suffering from inferiority complex & he revealed all the secrets closed in his chest to avoid any misunderstanding in future. Actually, he made himself more vulnerable to her tricks by this process of frank & open confession that she later exploited to keep him silent.
When she invited the narrator to accompany her on her official tour (as he was made unemployed by virtue of his promise), he asked her to inform it to her husband beforehand, but she argued in favour of her rights & liberty against the patriarchy.
On her return from the tour she realised that the game of revenge went far beyond her expectation, as during the tour her involvement with him did not restrict to superficial involvement. It certainly violated the basic conditions of a conjugal life in our society. So, She made a confession of all these things to her husband..
At the same time she could not tell the idiot that his role was accomplished. She knew very well that he was very serious about this relationship. She might have been afraid of backlash & above all, she was very very conscious of her public image. So, she had been trying several times to exploit his earlier confessions to cut off the relationship but ultimately could not make it for lack of solid & reasonable excuses. Actually, she needed a face-saving formula. So, She was caught in a catch 22 situations.
In the meantime, this narrator got a job after fulfilling all the conditions, but she, somehow managed to persuade him to refuse the job otherwise her intentions were likely to be exposed for which she was not prepared at that time. To her worst imaginations, he immediately got a second job after refusing the first one. Now, the question of divorce & settlement can’t be kept under carpet. So, she became restless. Contrary to his perception skill, this idiot narrator smelled something unnatural which he didn’t want to believe because he was not prepared to admit the truth that he had been used continuously as a pawn by his idol. To get rid of such uncertainty & confusions, he felt a child could only strengthen the bond between them & eventually she became pregnant. Now, he was relieved to some extent that now she could easily ask for divorce from her husband as he was actual father of the child.
Her inhibitions & guilty–feeling forced her to give birth to the child. Moreover, she wanted to convince her husband that the death of her first child was not an accident; rather ill treatment of her in-laws during pregnancy was primarily responsible for the damage. But she maneuvered very cleverly. She asked the narrator to leave his job & she explained that she `d prefer to stay with her husband till the birth of her child due to some legal complications. Actually, according to my assumptions, she already struck a deal with her husband & surrendered herself willingly to her husband as her revenge was more than accomplished then. As, the narrator explained her that he needed some times to leave the job; she threatened to cut-off all the relations with him. It’s quite evident at this point of time that the ‘Game of Revenge’ as well as ‘Playing with life of the Narrator’ would continue only by making the narrator unemployed by some pretext or other. Since, she already managed the support of her husband, she knew very well that he could not expose the relationship, as he won’t be able to justify the relationship socially & legally. Moreover, most of us do not learn to differentiate between Character & Characteristics. As a result, even a hardcore rapist always tries to assassin the character of his victim to dilute the charges against him. In this case this narrator is primarily an offender under Indian Penal Code. And ignorance of law is no excuse for an offender. She also virtually threatened him to sue him for adultery if he dared to surface the issues to keep him silent.
Still, She didn’t want to take any risk & left no stone unturned to ruin his life completely to nip in the bud his right as a father. He could not withstand so much pressure tactics & ultimately succumbed to her pressure. After leaving the job this guy with his limited capability could not find another job till today, but these issues are not pertinent here.
You may be aware of the fact that our Honourable Calcutta High Court has recently given a ruling that if a man cohabits with a willing woman by virtue of a false promise, the woman’s consent cannot be considered as a free & fair consent & it is equivalent to rape. But, the law is astonishingly silent if the aggrieved party is a male. Moreover, I firmly believe that considering the nitty- gritty of the situation, it is more than just a rape or an ordinary murder. Only a slow-poisoned murder can come close to it.
Undoubtedly, the narrator has done some thing, which is illegal, & his life is completely ruined by chasing a wild goose. On the other hand, she not only uses the life of this chap to satisfy her revenge, she welcomes her own daughter a crown of adultery. Now, he desires to expose her inhumanity at the cost of his imprisonment. Actually, the narrator needs some intrigue training from his would-be inmates in the prison to settle his score with her. According to my viewpoint, if any body dares to play with another’s life, he/she must be ready to face the consequences. Everybody’s life is equally important in this world. He even asked her husband to go to the court, but he was not ready to go to the court to risk the position & prestige of her beloved. She even tries to hide her inhumanity by using her image & pretended repentance for her infidelity. Is it sufficient to restore the life of the narrator & to exonerate this child from the indelible mark of adultery?
To label this incident as a natural death of a relationship is nothing but a sophisticated & subtle attempt to suppress the following fundamental issues involved with it: -
1. Can a child be deprived to enjoy the association of her original father without her
knowledge & consent?
2. What will happen to this girl if she gets any further child from her legal husband?
3. Do you think that being a wife of an influential & established person is itself an
unconditional license to play with so-called ordinary life?
4. How can a mother thrust unbearable load of gratitude on her daughter to establish
the virtue of foster father --- when it’s she who actually needs the glamour & glory of
her husband. Who’ll take the responsibility if the load of gratitude cripples this
child’s personality?
Thanks for investing your time to complete this letter.
With Regards,
(Indranil Ray)
22, BABUPARA ROAD (1ST FLOOR)
BHATPARA. 24 PARGANAS(N)
WEST BENGAL. 743123
To
The Members
Housing Association
MRINALINI BHABAN
P21, Rashtra Guru Avenue
Dumdum.
Kolkatta-28
Th: - The Secretary, Housing Association, Mrinalini Bhawan
Dear Sir/ Madam,
Enclosed pl. find a series of documents that explain clearly why the undersigned has to wash unwillingly his dirty linen before the public. Without having any disregard to your feelings, I` d like to make it clear that I don’t need any sympathy or empathy (a remote possibility, of course) as I believe that it is really hard for you to feel the sentiments & emotions of a father whose child is living under a vulnerable condition only for his idiocy & blind faith & his hands are tied down by the existing law of the country. I have invited my misfortune not by deliberate vice or villainy but by some error of human frailty. Actually, I am obliged with a boat along with a concealed hole (from a so-called well-wisher) in return of my blind faith & absolute trust. Still, it cannot dampen the spirit to challenge the hegemony of the so-called elitism.
I know that every relationship has its own life & limitations & ideally every relationship needs to be ended gracefully. If you minutely go through the enclosed documents, you may probably realize that I’m raising some fundamental questions against the very basic purpose & motive of building this relationship. It is even more disgraceful that an innocent child’s life is put into stake as a subtle move to suppress own heinous motive. Without any disregard to motherhood, I`m the last person to believe that motherhood is such a powerful vaccination which can eradicate the viruses of inhumanity, hypocrisy, image-mania etc. There is no need to violate any provision of Indian Penal Code. Even by exposing this child to severe cold an image- maniac who enjoys fiduciary relationship can cause simply havoc. According to law, I have to wait for the next five years. Till then numerous written representations of these types will keep round the clock surveillance. I have no intention to claim this child as my property but I have self-imposed responsibility to send her a message that she is not a product of a careless fun & she is not a persona non grata to the undersigned. If anybody, except my child, tries to raise finger to me for this very relationship I know how to crush it merrily & mercilessly.
There are always some so-called liberal & rebel ones who always try to jump in the lap of institution by presenting themselves as an ardent follower of status quo to get protection of law to suppress their inhumane mischief & heinous play. It is always easier to earn progressive pat on the back when you raise your voice for the fair sex.
It seems apparently that frustration & anger or Freudian doctrines of ‘id, ego & super ego’ are responsible for my reactions. I’m not at all repentant for my reactions after the so-called break up. Without being blindly submissive to the heavy pressure of the all-powerful institution, everybody has to choose his unique course of action on the basis of own perception, faith & ideology. I have just decided not to let the pseudo-humanist go free unquestioned & unchallenged even against the heaviest odds.
Thanks & regards,
( Indranil Ray)
22, BABUPARA ROAD (1ST FLOOR)
BHATPARA. 24 PARGANAS(N)
WEST BENGAL. 743123
Dear Sir or Madam
I’m a hindu unmarried guy. I’ve got involved in a relationship with my ex-colleague who is a married hindu woman who shares a strained relationship with her husband. They apparently go well in the eye of the public but they don’t even share the same bed due to some deep-rooted differences.
I always place conscience above morality & religion. So, I suggested that she should tell her husband about the relationship ab initio. I don’t want to carry on a clandestine affair. Rather, I’d like to settle with her. So, she told every thing to her husband. But, her husband thought that it was a casual relationship arising out of their differences & it would eventually break-up. So, he preferred to adopt wait & watch technique. She also has been hesitating to ask for separation due to her immense respect for him & social pressure. Moreover, it was otherwise a very good relationship in the eye of public.
On the other hand, we became closer & closer day by day & eventually she became pregnant. Then again I ask for her divorce at that time but she explained me that she’d like to give birth our expected child & it was legally impossible to go for divorce for the sake of our child. Rather, we should wait patiently till the birth of our child & told me that she `d alone negotiate the matter with her husband, I agree to her proposal reluctantly.
I did not know what happened behind the scene. She suddenly changed completely. She tried to avoid me. I became clueless. It was my child also but she completely ignored me & cut –off all communications with me. Eventually, she gave birth of the baby. When, I reminded her of her promise she & her husband jointly threatened me to take legal action against me on the ground of adultery. It’s very very humiliating for me. I don’t believe that this child is a result of a careless fun. I also feel that I’m used like a hired ox. I’m also more concerned with the future of the child especially when they become the parent of another baby. My conscience will always whip me for any kind of ill treatment to our child. It is absolutely my fault whatsoever. So, it’s not just a breaking of an illegal relationship to me. There are more pertinent legal & human issues involve with this matter:
1) How could I establish my fatherhood so that I could embrace my daughter? I’m even ready to confess before the Court of law (All of us subject to Indian Penal Code)
2) Is it human at all to separate a father from his child for violation of legal provision by the father when the innocent child has nothing to do with such violation?
3) Can the State separate a child from her father even without her knowledge & consent?
So, I’d like to have your advice after considering all the legal, social & human aspects at length & breadth.
Thanks & Regards,
A.B
KOLKATTA
Sub:- Seeking legal advice by a prima-facie offender
Dear Sir or Madam,
I’m a Hindu unmarried guy. I have got involved in a relationship with my ex-colleague who is a married Hindu woman.
I know that no legal practitioner will be interested to stand up for the undersigned from the viewpoint of professional prudence & judgment. I am not in a position to assess the matter from merely professional angle & I have decided to fight irrespective of the outcome. So, I request you to go through the enclosed documents & clarify the issues raised elsewhere keeping in mind every nook & cranny of the Indian Penal Code.
I also admit there is need for more & more women-friendly law in the context of our existing social system. Simultaneously, it is also onerous responsibility of the State to ensure that nobody should dare to abuse the provisions of the law. The Law should aim at removing injustice from the society rather than moulding the ‘weak’ to the ‘wicked’. Otherwise, the very purpose of the law is defeated. Somebody has suggested me that alternative system of justice is the only remedy but, I have decided to send a message to the wicked who `ll at least think twice before abusing the loophole of the existing legal provision. Access to justice is a basic human right. And as for those of us who rush in where angels even fear to tread, in the belief that our so-called rights are really & truly ‘fundamental’ only time can tell what further misfortunes are in store.
In my opinion, the very purpose of the law will be defeated if we do not give priority to the substance over form. It is equivalent to ‘miscarriage of justice’. When the existing legal system of the country does not have the required power to provide justice to a prima facie offender whose very basic right to live has been destroyed by fraud & cheating, it is ridiculous to expect that he honours his implied contract with the society as well as the State.
Without an independent investigative body, justice will be delayed & denied. Without a free, fair, speedy & independent criminal investigation system, even an autonomous judiciary will find itself severely hamstrung. A criminal investigation that is in the hands of police & is subject to executive control –both at the states & the center will inevitably become shoddy, unaccountable & corrupt. Investigations may be tailored to achieve predetermined results. The presiding judge can only decide on the basis of evidence produced before him. There is no way he can plug the loopholes & defaults in an investigation, factors which ultimately lead to the miscarriage of justice.
I’m ready to surrender myself for the violation of law. I do not offer any excuse but I `d like to save my child from an image –maniac. I further reiterate that I’ll not object to the due punishment imposed by the State.
Thanks & Regards,
Indranil Ray
22, BABUPARA ROAD (1ST FLOOR)
BHATPARA. 24 PARGANAS(N)
WEST BENGAL. 743123
Food For Thought
I’m a hindu unmarried guy. I’ve got involved in a relationship with my ex-colleague, a married hindu woman who is one of the most articulated persons ever seen by the narrator. Her talent & articulation help to create a larger than life image & she enjoys & exploits her image. Her husband is also a bright scholar & well established gentleman. You can say that they are the pair to envy.
I am going to narrate you the whole incident as far as possible in this limited space on the basis of her statement & my feeble attempt to tie the loose end on the basis of perception & delayed realization as follows:
Everything went on well until she became pregnant for the first time. During that time she developed a feeling that other members of her husband’s family (except her husband) were not ready to welcome the birth of her expecting child. Even, they were not shy enough to create obstacle to the birth of her child & unfortunately her first child survived for a few days.
In spite of her immense love & respect for her husband, she could not forgive her husband for the death of her child as she thought that her husband’s unwillingness & dilemma to protest against the ill treatment of her in-laws during pregnancy are partly responsible for the sad demise of her child. It’s true that she had to undergo through an extremely traumatic experience. Being a hyper sensitive & thoroughly autoerotic person, she had been carrying an indelible mark of this incident. So, she partially withdrew herself (according to her, they didn’t share the same bed after the death of her first child) from her husband while living under the same roof & she wanted to take revenge.
She is intelligent enough to spot the narrator who always thinks with his heart rather than with his brain. He’s basically a sucker. She quickly & correctly anticipated that she got the tool for her revenge. Not only this narrator did respect her but also blindly worshiped her. Her nearly flawless superb pretensions made him sure to believe that she really loved him. With a subtle move she got a promise from him that he must leave his original profession, which would always need some compromises & it was decided that he would only apply for this job, which she might think to be fit on ethical ground. Actually, she identified & exploited the natural human psychology of leading a life without minimum of compromises with respect to individual faith & ideology. She knew very well that considering his age & limited talent, it’s virtually impossible for him to switch over to a new profession in near future. Actually, she wanted to make him handicapped like ‘Ekalabya’ for the time being to fulfill her revenge against her husband.
She also in turn promised to give him some financial assistance (hire charges for using the tool for revenge!) for scarifying his right to earn on some so-called ethical grounds. She clarified her that they `d settle in a different locality & environment where his profession would be of no use & he `d prepare himself from now onwards for the forthcoming struggle. His consent to her proposal actually made him vulnerable & provided her with sufficient excuse to stay with her husband & to continue her game with him. Actually, she did not want to leave her husband but she sought to take revenge against him.
Being an impartial narrator, I must say that this idiot narrator is no match to her husband as far as social status, establishment & recognition are concerned. On the other hand, this`s the obvious reason for picking him as a prey to nullify the possibility of backlash if & only if he could at all realize at any point of time that his life was being merely used as a pawn. It’s a well-calculated game. If her real intentions `re exposed at any point of time to the narrator, the relative differences between her husband & the narrator would always be a convincing & covering factor to deny the allegations.
I always place conscience above so-called morality & religion. So, I suggested that she must tell her husband about the relationship ab initio. I didn’t want to carry on a clandestine affair. Rather, I’d like to settle with her. She also assured the narrator that she’d leave her husband only after giving him adequate times to prepare emotionally & socially for this delicate & sensitive situation. Now, I wish if I could really engage myself in a fun with her, I could not have invited my child into this fiasco. She intimated her husband about the relationship. Actually, She was making her ground to return back to her husband by giving him the impression that she could only pardon his fault if he could pardon her infidelity. Actually, this only can justify her partial withdrawal & subsequent re-union.
I’m not actually sure but think that her husband’s guilty- consciousness for the death of her child & his expectation to get back her completely after satisfaction of her desire for revenge made him a watchful & cautious spectator. This narrator has always been suffering from inferiority complex & he revealed all the secrets closed in his chest to avoid any misunderstanding in future. Actually, he made himself more vulnerable to her tricks by this process of frank & open confession. She later tried to blackmail him to expose his confessions to suppress her game of revenge. When she invited him to accompany her on her official tour (as he was made unemployed by virtue of his promise), he asked her to inform it to her husband beforehand, but she argued in favour of her rights & liberty.
On her return from the tour she realized that the game of revenge went far beyond her expectation, as
during the tour her involvement with him did not restrict to superficial involvement. It certainly violated
the basic conditions of a conjugal life in our society and she readily confessed her so-called infidelity to her husband. The underlying message `s very clear--- her willful derailment should be seen in the light of his lack of protest to the ill-treatment (of her in-laws) during pregnancy which was responsible for the death of her son.
At the same time she could not tell the idiot that his role was accomplished. She knew very well that he was very serious about this relationship. She might have been afraid of backlash & moreover she was especially conscious of her public image. So, she had been trying several times to exploit his earlier confessions to cut off the relationship but ultimately could not make it for lack of solid & reasonable excuses. Moreover, she might have thought that by sabotaging the life of the narrator (i.e. by keeping the narrator unemployed for some more times), she could automatically ruin his life completely. Then only it `d be easier for her to shake him off completely from her life without creating much hue & cry. ‘If you can kill a person by applying sugar, there is no need to waste poison’. Actually, she needed a face-saving formula to reject the narrator without creating a suspicion in the mind of the narrator of her real intentions. Ultimately, She was caught in a catch 22 situations.
In the meantime, this narrator got a job after fulfilling all the conditions, but she, somehow managed to persuade him to refuse the job otherwise her intentions were likely to be exposed for which she was not prepared at that time. To her worst imaginations, he immediately got a second job after refusing the first one. So, the question of divorce & settlement can’t be kept under carpet & she became restless. Contrary to his perception skill, this idiot narrator smelled something unnatural which he didn’t want to believe because he was not prepared to admit the truth that he had been continuously used as a pawn by his idol. To get rid of such uncertainty & confusions, he felt a child could only strengthen the bond between them & eventually she became pregnant. There may be lots of ‘ifs’ & ‘buts’. But, I`d like to believe that she did not cheat me even to that extent. Then, he was relieved to some extent that she could easily ask for divorce from her husband as (according to her version) the narrator was actual father of the child.
Her inhibitions & guilty–feeling (like some Roman Catholics) forced her to give birth to the child. Moreover, she wanted to convince her husband that the death of her first child was not an accident; rather ill treatment of her in-laws during pregnancy was primarily responsible for the damage. But she maneuvered very cleverly. She asked the narrator to leave his job which allegedly did not meet the ethical standard which she suddenly & subsequently discovered from her reliable sources & she explained that she `d prefer to stay with her husband till the birth of her child due to some legal complications. Actually, according to my assumptions, she already struck a deal with her husband & surrendered herself willingly to her husband as her revenge was more than accomplished then. As, the narrator explained her that he needed some times to leave the job; she threatened to cut-off all the relations with him as he allegedly failed to maintain the agreed ethical standard. It’s quite evident that the ‘Game of Revenge’ as well as ‘Playing with life of the Narrator’ could continue only by making the narrator unemployed by some pretexts or other. He could not withstand so much pressure tactics & ultimately succumbed to her pressure as an innocents child’s life `s put into stake. After leaving the job this guy with his limited capability could not find another job till today, but there’s none to blame for his hapless condition except his blind faith & idiocy. Since, she already managed the support of her husband, she knew very well that he could not expose the relationship, as he won’t be able to justify the relationship socially & legally. Still, She didn’t want to take any risk & left no stone unturned to ruin his life completely to nip in the bud his right as a father. She might have assumed that by economically destroying the life of the narrator, she could have efficiently performed the bloodless murder & thereby reduced the chances of potential backlash. Moreover, most of us do not learn to differentiate between Character & Characteristics. As a result, even a hardcore rapist always tries to assassin the character of his victim to dilute the charges against him. In this case this narrator is primarily an offender under the Indian Penal Code and ignorance of law is no excuse for an offender. She also virtually threatened to sue him for adultery if he dared to surface the issues to keep him silent & these unabashed tricks of fee-faw-fun ultimately helped the narrator to get rid of his obsession for her & to introspect the future of his daughter.
You may be aware of the fact that our Honourable Calcutta High Court has recently given a ruling that if a man cohabits with a willing woman by virtue of a false promise, the woman’s consent cannot be considered as a free & fair consent & it is equivalent to rape. But, the law is alarmingly silent if the aggrieved party is a male. I firmly believe that considering the real motive behind the situation it’s more than just a rape or an ordinary murder. Only a slow-poisoned murder can come close to it.
Undoubtedly, the narrator has done some thing, which is illegal, & his life is completely ruined by chasing a wild goose. On the other hand, she not only used the life of this chap to satisfy her revenge, she has also welcomed her own daughter with a crown of adultery. I know that anybody in place of the narrator would obviously retaliate by some brutal methods as a natural reaction to this heinous & fatal play. Now, he at first desires to expose her inhumanity at the cost of his imprisonment so as to send the message to his child that she is not a product of careless fun rather a byproduct of an unprecedented game of revenge. At least, she’ll not face humiliation for the rest of her life by carrying an unbearable & unjustified load of gratitude.
I know that she `d try to project my daughter as a child of adultery & display the virtue & greatness of her husband for admitting the illegitimate child. This could be the best advertisement for her forgettable & forgivable derailment (which she willingly advocating now to suppress the heinous motive behind building this relationship) & subsequent reunion. All these may prove the resilient bond provided by the institution through ‘marriage’. This certainly does not intend for the best interest & development of the child. According to my viewpoint, if any body dares to play with another’s life, he/she must be ready to face the consequences. Everybody’s life is equally important in this world. He even asked her husband to go to the court, but he was not ready to go to the court to risk the position & prestige of her beloved.
Actually, they want to enjoy the benefit of Indian Penal Code without being identified & exposed. She even tries to hide her inhumanity by using her image & pretended repentance for her infidelity. Is it sufficient to restore the life of the narrator & to exonerate this child from the indelible mark of adultery?
To label this incident as a natural death of an unnatural relationship is nothing but a sophisticated & subtle attempt to suppress the following fundamental issues involved with it: -
1. Can a child be deprived to enjoy the association of her original father without her
knowledge & consent?
2. What will happen to this girl if she gets any further child from her legal husband?
3. Do you think that being a wife of an influential & established person is itself an
unconditional license to play with so-called ordinary life?
4. How can a mother thrust unbearable load of gratitude on her daughter to establish the
virtue of foster father --- when it’s she who actually needs the glamour & glory of her
husband. Who’ll take the responsibility if the load of gratitude cripples this child’s
personality?
Thanks & Regards,
The Narrator.
(Through registered letter)
Mr. Ashis Basu, Dated: 18.07.2003
P-21, Rastra Guru Avenue.
Kolkatta-28.
I’ve already informed you (verbally & in writing) that I `m the father of Ishika`s (your wife) daughter & I’m eager to face the trial & its inevitable consequences which is the only available option to exonerate this child from the shadow of so-called adultery by revealing the truth. When, I have been intimated that you’d like to move to the Court, barring a little bit of initial nervousness I got relief to a great extent, but later was disappointed by your volte-face.
Though, I personally feel that it was not adultery in letter & spirit, at least, from my end. Despite the fact that someone whom I trusted most had been continuously pulling wool over my eyes, I feel that I am a victim of my blind faith & abstract sense of conscience. I know that ‘Court is not arbiter of wisdom or philosophy of law - It is the arbiter merely of constitutionality of the law’. Since, I’m subject to Indian Penal Code & ignorance of law is no excuse, I can’t escape my responsibility & liability. I was informed that you were well versed of our so-called adultery from the very beginning. Still, There is every possibility of pleading ignorance before the Court of Law from your end. With due apology, I do hereby reproduce some apparently unrelated but very very relevant extracts of Indian Penal Code for your kind information:-
1. Whoever has sexual intercourse with a person who is and whom he knows or has reason to believe to be the wife of another man, without the consent or connivance of that man, such sexual intercourse not amounting to the offence of rape, is guilty of the offence of adultery, and shall be punished with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to five years, or with fine, or with both. In such case the wife shall not be punishable as an abettor
Indian Penal Code 1860
315. ACT DONE WITH INTENT TO PREVENT CHILD BEING BORN ALIVE OR TO CAUSE IT TO DIE AFTER BIRTH :-Whoever before the birth of any child does any act with the intention of thereby preventing the child from being born alive or causing it to die after its birth, and does by such act prevent that child from being born alive, or causes it to die after its birth, shall, if such act be not caused in good faith for the purpose of saving the life of the mother, be punished with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to ten years, or with fine, or with both.
.2.
In spite of being a common person, I can fairly guess that a genuine scholar & mentally sound person like you’d like to limit your focus on point no.1. The dictionary meaning of connive (verb form of connivance) is that if you connive at something, you allow it to happen even though you know that it is wrong & should try to prevent it.
So, if you do not take any legal action within 15 days from the date of receiving this letter it will imply that either you have voluntarily foregone your right to prosecute or you are not eligible to sue on the ground of connivance and no communication from your end will be considered as no objection from your part to use this letter as a reference for any purpose whatsoever without contravening any legal provision.
From,
(Indranil Ray)
22, BABUPARA ROAD
(1ST FLOOR)BHATPARA. 24 PARGANAS(N)
WEST BENGAL. 743123
(link)
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I'm going to summarize what I understand here:
You were in love, you thought she was in love with you, but now believe she was only getting back at her husband (by committing adultery) for the death of her first child. She holds her husband and his family responsible for the child's death because of mistreatment of her that you didn't specifically state.
She talked you into quitting your job on moral issues. You understood that she was going to marry you and you would live together so you did quit, which caused fininancial hardship and a loss of social status for you.
Then she became pregnant with a child you believe is yours. She decided to stay with her husband, and make him look better because he kindly will raise an illigitimate child.
In Calcutta, it is considered equivalent to rape if a man makes promises to a women with no intention of fulfilling the promise only to gain sexual favors. I don't see where you can be prosecuted for this or even take her to court (although I don't know much about Indian law.) It would be hard to prove either side since it was essentially a clandestine affair with only verbal agreements and communications between you and her with no witnesses. Was anyone else you know aware that you expected to marry her, and she broke the promise, not you?
Speaking as a person with no legal background and from an American point of view:
1. Can a child be deprived to enjoy the association of her original father without her knowledge & consent?
Not if you first get a lawyer, demand a DNA test, and if proven to be yours, sue for visitation or custody. Your following letters show you have started the process.
2. What will happen to this innocent child if she gets any further child from her legal husband?
That cannot be answered until it occurs, but still, to avoid mistreatment, go back to my previous answer.
3. Who will take the responsibility if the load of gratitude cripples this child's personality?
It would not be considered your responsibility if you have done everything possible to take over care for her. Then the "load of gratitude" would not be there.
4. Is the legal system a prisoner of itself to deliver justice to an offender because of his gender when his fundamental rights are destroyed by fraud, blackmailing & cheating?
There are cases here in the US where the genders are reversed, for example sexual harrasment where a woman harrasses a man, rape and child molestation where the victim is a male and the criminal a female. They are still brought to court and heard in the same manor as ordinary cases. Definitely seek legal advice concerning this.
5. Last but not the least, Is it not a miscarriage of justice if we give priority to the form over substance in this particular case?
I would think each case is an individual story and would be considered individually.
You did the right thing by writing to the courts, etc. I'm not convinced that no lawyer would take the case. Your goal appears to be to get custody of the child. First that has to be proven by DNA testing. Here in the US the percentage of fathers who get awarded custody over the mothers is low, but I think it is increasing. Just the fact that you are trying publicly to gain care of her would show your daughter, when she is old enough to understand, that she is important to you.
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i have been with my bf for 4 & a half years and we have a baby together. our whole relationship has been a lot of fighting. he gets so jealous and he will rip my clothes, sometimes hit, and he calls me a bitch and a slut when he is pissed off. i am 20 and he is 22. i feel i am too young to deal with all of this, even though we have our good times. i have attempted to leave him several times but am scared of change and i never go through with it. he will also put me down in front of our friends and family to make himself look good. should i finally just give up or should i stick with it for my son? and if i do decide to leave how do i do it? (link)
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If he hits you, calls you names, puts you down, and destroys your property, he is abusive. You should not stay with him. It will not do your son any good at all to continue in this relationship, watching his father treat his mother like this.
The best way to leave depends on your situation. I would call a women's abuse hotline or shelter, usually found in the front of the phone book. Explain your situation to them and they can give you better advice. Some situations are more dangerous than others. Sometimes leaving can make the abuse worse, expecially if he is the type to stalk. In the worst situation, you may need to go to a shelter and possibly get the police involved. But if it doesn't seem to be that serious, they can at least give you advice on how to do it. There are steps to take and guidelines.
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