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Latent Feminist Wife
Dear spacefem,
I have been married for 16 years with 2 wonderful daughters. During our marriage my wife started to become slack with her duties and obligations as a wife and mother. These were all of her agreement, and some due to her own choices proir to and during the marriage. I have tried to approach the subject with concern and respect, usually ending in conflict. Lately she has decided to do whatever she wants when she wants, even it means neglect to myself or our children. I try to understand her feelings and viewpoints, for myself and for my daughters.(They are well aware of her laziness and ask often.) I would have NEVER married her if I knew she was this way. I feel that life is too short to spend with the wrong person. We are growing apart each day, I personally never expected much from this world as far as romance, I've never been the ladies' man. But I would like to provide a better life for my children, I don't think this is a good example of relationships/ marriage for them to observe. If it was just her and I, I would drop her like a bad habit and never speak to her again. Any advice or suggestions?
Best friend I never had...
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if you are living together, and your not happy your children know this. you should just sit down and as a family and talk it out, and if she still dont do what she is supposed to, as u said life is too short, and seperate if you have to, it will b the best for you n the end and the kids. because right now the relationship is hard on the kids. either way it will b hard, just decide which way, will be better for the kids, an think of yourself too, and if your unhappy it will show, and no one will b happy.
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Well she might have bi polar or manic depression because when i get that way i don't feel like doing nothing,u might want to take her to the doctor's to get her checked out, because if my med's don't work than i don't feel like doing any thing or even getting dress,every so often my body get's use to the med's and the have to change them and than i'am back to normal.if u want email me and let me know how she is doing littledawg0913@aol.com
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You don't say how old your daughters are. Their age makes a difference. If they are older they will not need as much care and attention.
You also use the phrase "duties and obligations as a wife and mother" without being specific. You say she is not just neglecting your children but you too. Apparently you and your wife have a different definition of what a wife and mother should be.
Definitely you sound like you don't want to be in the marriage any more, but I don't know exactly where where your wife is coming from. You are using her "laziness" as a justification to leave the marriage.
As for suggestions, there is the obvious - marriage counseling. I think this would really help because you need to examine your motives and feelings very closely. There is a lot more going on here than you can put in a few paragraphs on line.
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I'm not Spacefem, but I'll give this a go.
I'm going to assume that you laid the deal on the table before getting married, and that you and your wife talked over in detail and both consented to it. There are plenty of reasons your wife could be having trouble keeping up her end. She could be suffering from depression, anxiety, burnout, or plenty of other conditions that can make a person feel miserable. Before calling her "lazy", it's important to make sure her changed behavior doesn't have a medical cause. Chronic fatigue system, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and some forms of cancer can take away a person's physical energy, but in reality they're not lazy-- they're very sick.
Now let's suppose your wife is in perfectly good physical health. It could be that she no longer gets the things she needs psychologically and emotionally out of being a 1950's style wife and mother. I don't use the word "traditional" to describe a woman whose life focuses exclusively on home, husband, children, and possibly church. This particular style of living has only been viable for middle-class people for about a century. Child care and house cleaning can be very boring, thankless tasks. That's why the nobility of old delegated the work to servants. It's also why a lot of women see the homemaker role as something they want to avoid, especially after they've had a taste of it.
If your wife has come to see her life with you and the children as one big "duty" or "obligation" as opposed to something that helps and strengthens her as well, then you are the only person who can convince her otherwise. The children don't have the power, and anyway you've already encouraged them to betray their mother by talking about her "laziness" behind her back. The girls have learned that they can get extra love and attention from you by gossiping about their own mother. I hope that wasn't the lesson you intended to teach them; they won't be much fun to deal with when they're older if you encourage them. Fact is, if they're old enough to criticize their mother behind her back, they're old enough to cook their own meals or pick up a broom to help with the housework.
Even though you don't consider yourself a ladies' man, you need to romance you wife a bit and remind her that she's still a human being. Treating her as a child-raising, house-cleaning, and husband-helping machine (and a broken one, at that) just isn't going to inspire her to think highly of you.
Life is too short to spend with the wrong person. You therefore need to work on making yourself the right person: the right husband for the wife you chose, and the right father for your girls. If your wife does something that pleases you, would it kill you to give her a kiss or tell her how great she is-- and to encourage your daughters to do the same? If you do this, then such work as your wife does won't be thankless any more, and she may show more interest in doing it.
No matter how politely and respectfully you criticize your wife's shortcomings-- and no matter how gently you do it, it will still hurt her-- she will never try to please you if she sees you as someone who's always finding fault. The fact that you've perhaps succeeded better than she has at keeping up your end of the bargain might make your attempts to help her come across as criticism even if you don't intend it that way. May I suggest Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"?
The one other thing that puzzles me about your letter is the way you described your wife as a "latent feminist". If she's showing interest in things outside the home, it could be because the girls have grown up to a point where they no longer need as much of her time as before, and she feels useless. She may also be wondering what she's missing, and perhaps a job or some classes at school might be good for her. A few extra dollars of income could pay someone else to handle the cleaning or other work. Failing that, getting badly chewed up by a competitive job market and an unpleasant, low-paying job might help her realize just how good she's got it.
If you do decide to divorce your wife and keep your daughters, you will have to either step in to all the maternal duties yourself, or you'll have to find a single woman willing to step into the role and be a mother to your children. Women like that are very hard to find. The vast majority of women out there will be too "feminist" for you since they're accustomed to earning their own way. The idea of being 100% dependent on another human being for financial support is very scary for most women, simply because many men who claim to want a 1950's style marriage have a reputation for being unreliable or excessively demanding-- or both.
Good luck.
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