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REALIFEADVICE@COLUMNIST.COM


Look forward to talking soon,

Chandler XX



advice

Me and a friend that I had been best friends with since third grade were in a huge fight for a year, & just yesterday we apologized to each other. We're friends again, but something doesn't feel right. I still feel guilty/nervous about something, but I can't figure out what it is. It's like I want to be her friend, but I'm scared to? I don't know. How can I stop feeling like this?

Hi,

The way your feeling is normal and only to be expected, and your friend will be feeling the same way. You can't spend a year at loggerheads with a former friend then go back to the way things where. The apologies where only the first step, you need to give it time and put in work to get back the relationship you once had.

Chandler xx

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ok well im 16 not getting engaged or atleast not this year im hoping but i just realized my 16 year old friend is engaged and i was wondering is it possible to get engaged under 18 with parents against it??


Hi,

In the UK they could get married at that age with their parents against it - I take it that's not the case in the states?

But as for engagement, you could get engaged at any age, it's not a legal or official declaration as marriage is its just two people saying "we plan to get married".

Chandler x

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14/f I like my best friend, but he has a girlfriend. How do I stop liking him?

Hi,

Well unfortunately you can't just stop liking him - it's not that simple. But you can make the decision to not act upon it while he has a girl friend. The likelihood is they won't be together for ever so if your feelings don't pass you will get your chance.

Chan xx

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Is it weird for girls to ask guys out?
Which do guys prefer?
Any opinion is appreciated.

Nooo its not wired - go for it!!

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my boyfriend and i have been together for eight months now. its really nice but i think hes getting tired of me. everytime i mention taking a break he goes crazy though. i dont want him to stay just because he thinks i wont be here later. what can i dooo.

Hi,

You don't say why it is that you think your boyfriend is getting tired of you but my advice would be to discuss your feelings with him. If he 'goes crazy' to the possibility of taking a break from the relationship I don't think it's likely he is tired of you. I feel it's more than likely a case of worrying about nothing - but talk to him!!

Chan XX

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I KNOW ITS LONG, BUT PLEASE PLEASE ITS VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ ALL AND PLEASE TRY TO HELP ME!
i dont have school for the next 2 weeks and today i went to see my mom at work when i got there she was talking on the phone in a veryy flirtatious way. if you knew my mom u knew she has a very strong voice and is often being mean to people. but on the other hand she was actually laughing at what the person on the other line said and was being verrry flirty and talking in a low voice. i listened more and i KNew it was a guy. i also knew it wasn't someone that i knew because that was not the way she usually talks to people. her and my dad have been married for about 19 years now. they always say that they dont belive in gettin divorce and that they love eachother very much. also this might sounds very discusting but i have heard them have sex a lot recently because i cant sleep so i can hear evrything in my house. so then i walked into her room and she went to the bathroom as i got my chance i checked her phonee and this number had called her and she had been takling for about 1/2 n hr. i also checked her messages and in her inbox this number had sent to messages, on saying "what else lady" and the second "can i call you" the only perosn that calls my mom lady is my dad in a cute way sort of saying babe but i knew it wasnt my dad because that is not his cell number nd it would be stupid for him to secretly have another one. the messages in her outbox to him where "uhmm lemme think about it" and "okay call me for like 2 secs" those '2 secs' turned into 1.2 n hr. later when we got home i went to check her mesages and her calls again and she had deleted all of it! meaning she didn't want anyyone seeing that! i wrote down the number before when she was in the bathroom on my leg so she wouldnt see it. i later called it a man that i have neverr heard his voice before picked up. i go everywhere with my parents a lot so i know of all their friends and people around them. i really think she's cheating, WHAT SHOULD I DO? my mom is very religious and i KNOW my dad is crazy and completely in LOVE with her, i dont want to hurt him, but i feel as though im hurtin ghim more by keeping it from him, please HELP.

Hi,

If you don't feel able to just turn a blind eye to this - and I suspect you don't, then you will have to confront your mom. I use the word confront but try to make the conversation as non-confrontational as possible, stay calm and explain your concerns and how you came about having them. Explain to her you thought it best to talk with her first rather than running straight to your farther.

As for if your mom has been up to no good, I don't know - I don't know her but I accept how you could certainly think her recant behaviour has been suspicious.

I suppose it depends on how your mom reacts what you would have to do next. If you don't get satisfactory answers or she refuses to discuss it, and you still don't feel able to just let it go the only other thing you could do is tell your dad about it all. You would need to think very carefully about if that is the right thing to do as there is no predicting where it could lead.

One step at a time - sit down for a chat with your mom and see first what comes out of that, good luck!

Chandler XX

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and lately we've been going through a hard time. I thought I could trust him, but like I have issues with sites like myspace and facebook and stuff like that because of things that have happened in the past. But like he was having a hard time of having his friends know about me so I asked him if he would change his status on facebook to in a relationship. After a while of trying to convince him, he finally did. That was a few months ago though and the other day I looked on his facebook and it said single... I feel like he's maybe trying to tell other girls that he's free and stuff but I don't know. And like I also asked him if he wouldn't use it that much anymore and the last week I had a feeling he was using it still, and I asked him if he was using it and he lied straight to my face and said no. But then tonight I wanted to see if it was true and it wasn't... he was on it..and like I don't know. I'm in love with him, but like... I can't trust him online..

Hi,

While it is wrong that he would lie to you and maybe slightly strange he insists on setting his status as 'single' - you don't have the right to tell him what he is and is not allowed to do! If you bring issues from the past into a new relationship it's a recipe for disaster.

I don't really think it matters what your boyfriends up to - guilty or innocent you don't feel able to trust him (and maybe your not ready to trust anyone just yet) and so you really need to consider if you should be in this relationship at all.


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i think i MIGHT like one of my teachers. there is only a 6-7 year difference.. i mean its weird but i don't know, is that totally wrong?

HI,

No it's not wrong and the feelings you're experiencing are normal and natural - lots of people find themselves liking a teacher. As for if its wise to act upon that feeling - in most cases its not and my advice would be don't - the feelings will pass with time.

CHAN
XX

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Well I was in a relationship with this boy....i'll just say his name is bob. Anywayyss I thought everything was going great in our relationship but out of nowhere we're alone in my room and we get into this BIG argument that ends with him hitting me and raping me! Could it be that I did somethin wrong?

Yes you did something wrong! - what you did wrong was to think it was funny / ok to use something like rape in a question you made up for your own amusement. Some woman really have gone through the ordeal of a rape, maybe you should sit and have a chat with one of them.

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F/14
One of my best freinds is a boy, and he came over like twice or three times. Today we wanted to go to a football game and my parents say "I dont think this relationship you two are sharing will work out" and im standing there with my mouth hung open and they dont believe me that we are JUST FREINDS. They wont let us hang out cause they think were going out, and my parents are really over protective. I tell them that were just friends and they say "A boy and a girl cant be 'best freinds'"
Thats definatley not true and i dont want to bring it up again, but i definatley wanna hang out more with him cause well . . . WERE FREINDS!
Im totally lost and embarrassed, i need a way to let them know that there is no way were ever gunna go out!
Were like brother and sister!
HELP!

Hi,

Your completely right in everything you say, of course a boy and girl can be friends, best friends even - without their being any sexual element to the relationship - I like most people have plenty of those relationships myself.

The most distressing part of all this is you two are clearly very close and your relationship therefore is very important and you need to be able to spend time together.

You use the word 'over protective' and again you're absolutely right - even if this boy was your boyfriend it wouldn't be any of your parents business. They need to accept you're growing up and have your own life and as such are responsible for your own relationships and your own business.

Try talking to your parents calmly, explain how you feel and even show them your question and this reply. Do you have any one who your parents may listen to who would see things from your point of view (often grandparents come in very useful!)

If this approach fails then you can not loose your friend or generally live a life filtted and vetted by your parents at every turn so my advice (to be blunt) is do what the hell you like and do it behind their back if that's what it comes to.

On a more positive note this is not an uncommon stage for parents to go through and their behaviour normally dose improve with time!

Good luck, keep me informed

CHAN XX

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