spacefem's advice column

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Q: What's a healthy weight for a 5'3", 17/f?

I don't believe in "healthy weights". If you eat decent food and exercize sometimes, you're healthy. If you don't, you're not healthy. I'm sure if you're under 200 pounds you're fine.

Q: I got my prom dress todaii and its strapless...do you think it would look better to have my hair in an updo or styled down?

depends whether you've got great shoulders to show off. seriously... are you in sports? ever lift weights? are you toned and hot and stuff? Then sweep that hair up and be proud! Personally, I have bony shoulders so I'd never even get a strapless dress, never mind wear my hair up to boot.

Q: How old do you think you should be when you lose your virginity?

well, I'm 25, and I wouldn't mind being a virgin right now. you be the judge.

Q: I've been in a fight with this guy since December when I was honest. I dont see how someone can hate you for being honest. Now my question is, What would you do? Would you let it go and have time heal all wounds? or Would you talk to this guy about your problems and your feelings?

Oh trust me, I've had LOTS of people hate me for being honest! In fact, I think I've been in more trouble for honesty over the years than anything else.

In my experience, time is the only thing that heals all wounds, although like you I'd like to be able to talk to someone about my feelings and be done with it all. This especially happens in post break-up situations, when the guy is talking shit on you for no apparent reason and you just want to shake him and say, "I did my best and it didn't work out... why should you hate me for that? You're an asshole! Stop calling me! I hate you now!"

or something like that... I'm sure you get the picture.

Q: I'm headed out to Las Vegas this summer, driving alone from East Lansing, Michigan. I've already got three stops (free room for the night!) planned, one in Kasnas City, KS, next to Gunnison, CO and finally Reno, NV.

Does anyone have any advice as far as road tripping tips, places to eat, stop or see along the way? I'm just looking for general tips and tricks, since I'm going to be by myself for the whole trip. Things to keep me alert and awake, which roads to take, which not to take, where construction is and that sort of thing.

Thanks in advance!

I haven't been to vegas so I can't help you much there, but if your in KC you should check out Union Station... it's super-neat and you can stop for ten minutes, admire the scenery, and then be on your merry way. Also, find a place on the Plaza to go to lunch; it's this big huge outdoor mall type thing, neat old archetecture and all that.

Q: My friend is excited about turning 13 but she doesn't have anywhere to have a party. She's jealous because everyone loved my 13th birthday party. I'd let her use my basement but then her party would be exaclty like mine and it would'nt feel right. Is that selfish? Besides, I don't know if mom and dad would let me have another party since the last one got a little one of hand. So where else could she have her party? I need ideas to suggest to her! She's my BFF! I can't let her down!

I'd ask your parents again... tell them that this will be a much smaller party and pull that whole, "Don't you feel safer if I party here anyway?" thing. It works! And her party won't be like yours, because parties thrown by someone, for a friend, always have a totally different spirit than the ones you throw for yourself.

If that doesn't work, go to a park. It's spring, it should work out.

Q: so i have this boyfriend. almost 3 months. but we have only held hands and hugged. he is going sooo slow. every one is like .. make the first move. but im really shy. like.. really shy. but just around the boy im going out with. are there anyway i can sortof give him hints.. but not make the firt move? 13/f

First off, you're 13, what's the big deal? Second, if you're scared to make the first move my suggestion is always to get really, really close. It's all about positioning.

Watch "Mean Girls"... you know that scene where the #1 hottie is tutoring Kady and she gets closer and closer until he kisses her? Way to work it!

Q: I need help. The other day i met my friend and her boyfreind. And her boyfriend has been trying to get me hooked up with his friend lets call him 'bob' for a while now well a week or so. Me n Bob went out last yr but i dunno it just didnt work out. Now i might be starting to have feelings for him again. N anyways when i met them the other day we went over there house. N my friends bf suggested we go upstairs (me and bob AND him and my friend, in different rooms of corse), so we did. Me and Bob made out, and some other stuff, not that far though, i wouldnt do that, especially cause we're not going out. I think Bob kinda likes me but hes a little hard to talk 2. He asked me to be friends with benefits (fwb) with him but i said i dunno n we just left it at that. I had fwb's before and their ok but right now id rather have a relationship but bob had long relationships before but i guess maybe doesnt want one right now. N i remember saying to him that night "Bob whats gunna happen is this like gunna be it or what" n he said that we cud be friends with benefits n i said theres no point cuz were not gunna go out n he said how do you know. So i think im gunna see him tomorrow and deffinatly over the weekend a few times. What should i do?

14/f `xo ms.confused

There's no such thing as "Friends with benefits", or if there is I've never seen it. There's only "One friend gets benefits, other friend gets used". Tell this guy to hit the road... preferably one with heavy traffic.

Q: Hi. okay so, I've been feeling REALLY depressed lately. The problem is, I don't know why. Also..I've been really unhappy with myself. I've seriously thought about starving myself. I have thought about that a lot for the past year and a half. Sometimes I just start crying for no particular reason. What should I do?

You should go outside and take up some new hobbies to get your mind off of... you mind! Or talk to a councelor about it, because you might really have clinical depression and they'd be able to help.

Q: I'm 15 years old and I'm very shy. It's starting to become a problem. I don't know why, it's really hard for me to talk with people I don't know, specially guys. I've never had a boyfriend and if I keep acting like this I'll probably never have one. What can I do?

The whole "not having a boyfriend" thing will totally go away when the guys around you get the guts to talk to you. I mean, at 15, most boys are pretty chicken about these sorts of things. They're shy, you're shy, you'll all probably get over it but I KNOW they will because that's just how it is.

There are worse things you can be than shy. Most people talk too much and think too little. If everyone in the world had the opposite problem, we'd all be a lot better off.

Q: A pair of friends, really annoyed at my boyfriendless-for-life(or-at-least-for-now-since-I'm-only-fourteen-and-not-that-interested) stance on interpersonal relationships, have been trying to match me up with a boy who they thought would be my instant soulmate.
I met him under their instistance, and we soon became friends. However, lately he's started to hit on me and flirt with me and ask me out, and it's really making me feel uncomfortable since I just don't like him in that way. I want to show him I only want a platonic relationship without hurting his feelings. Even worse, he's taken my spineless silence when exposed to his advances to mean yes, and he even seems to think of me as his girlfriend.
Please, Spacefem, can you help?

First off, go you for being smart enough to know that relationships are stupid, especially at 14.

My advice is to be direct about it. Next time he's hitting on you, just say, "No offence, but you're kinda creeping me out. Are my friends trying to set us up or something? Because if they are, they're WRONG!"

You could also use my favorite breakup technique... line him up with a bunch of other guys and say, "Okay, who here has a girlfriend? (wait for hands) Uhp, not so fast Paul!" It's a huge hit at parties.

Q: Alright, this is a stupid question, but today I purchased a D.A.R.E. shirt at Hot Topic. Under it, it reads "To Keep Kids Off Drugs." Does this have deeper meaning? Because on the standard D.A.R.E. shirts (like the official ones) they read "To Resist Drugs And Violence." I was wondering if "To Keep Kids Off Drugs" has any deeper meaning? I don't want to go to school with people laughing or something. Thanks.

DARE changed their slogan sometime to the "resist drugs and violence" ones, because they wanted to put more emphasis on resisting violence. When I was in school and took DARE, all the shirts said "To Keep Kids Off Drugs".

Q: do runners shave there legs and bikini line?

Runners do whatever they want. If the hair bugs you, shave it. It doesn't make you a whole lot less aerodynamic or anything though, so it's not a requirement.

Q: Okay well there is this guy named Steven and I really really like him. My friend also really likes him, but she is very shy and doesn't talk to him a lot, and Steven said that he doesn't think he would ever like her because they dont talk at all. Steven flirts with me a lot, but also flirts with other girls. We talk all of the time, and with him I feel like I can just be myself. One of his friends told me he liked me, and I really want to ask him out, but I don't know if my friend would get mad. She said it would be okay if he asked me out and I said yes, but she never said it would be okay if I was the one asking him out. I really don't know what to do because I REALLY like him.. please help!!

I am so tired of people asking this question all the time! STOP! Stop caring! Stop worrying! If you like the guy, ask him out! If you don't, don't! You girls are just obsessed with reading guy's minds... let me tell you a secret: there's not much going on in guy's minds to analyze! They're pretty stupid! Don't you go and be stupid too!

Q: Hey! I will be turning 16 in March, and I'm looking for some advice about my upcoming work life. Is it better to take any job I can get while I'm in High School or to be a bit more career-specific with my choices? I'm a straight-A student, and in the top 5% of my class, I just don't know if I'm trying to dive too fast into that great big pool of life.

Take any job you can! College is when you'll look for internships and more targeted stuff like that, in high school, when you have no experience, any job will do. I worked in a shoe store, and it'll sound crazy but I learned a LOT at that job. I learned about the retail world, I learned how to sell to people, I learned how to talk to impress a boss and how to tell a good manager from a stupid one. Oh, and I learned that retail is really dead-end and I should go to college to rise above all that!

Bottom line: any job you have now will be educational, so pick someplace fun and go for it.

Q: why isn't there a link back to advicenators from your own column?

Technically all those "ask me a question" links are links back to advicenators, but I see your point! I'll add one.

Q: my mom is a perfectionist. but i take after my dad, and i am as sloppy as can be, but in my room that's how i find stuff-on the floor, i can see everything. my dad tells me that i don't have to clean my room unless company comes over. Yet, the weekend after he says that my mom makes me clean and ORGANIZE my room. i tell her what dad said, and she yells at me. i tell her again, and i'm grounded for a month. my parents do this repeatedly. they make a promise, and then break it. and now my mom wants to know why we aren't 'close'. what do i do? i want to trust them, i have since i was little, but it hurts when you secretly know you can't trust anybody. help, please. i'm thirteen year old girl, but this has been going on for two years.

First off, your parents are two different people and chances are they just haven't thought to sit down and make a joint resolution on room cleanliness. Give them some benefit of the doubt here and deal with them as individuals.

It sounds like the issue is really just with your mom, so you should tell her that you wish you were closer also, but feel like she'd rather nit-pick about your room condition than talk about what's going on in your lives. Try to figure out where she's coming from: why does she want your room to be clean? Can you compromise, and just promise to get the bed made and food out of there every 24 hours? It's really all about communication, and not the yelling kind, the real kind where you sit and talk.

Q: If you could ask your boyfriend a question what would it be.

I don't have a boyfriend. Ha!

But technically, if there was a question that I wanted to ask my boyfriend, I'd ask it. None of this "could" stuff... any guy who doesn't make me feel like I can talk about anything is not the guy for me.

Q: i havent ever had sex b4 but i know peeps who tell me the first time hurts. is it true and can u tell me how to make it not hurt? bc my bf wants us to have sex and i'm ready/ sortve but i wanna know how to make it not hurt!! HELP

If you're worried about it, don't do it. Your concern is a sign that you're not ready. You'll be tense and worried and that makes it hurt worse.

Q: How Do You Know If A Girl Likes You?

Are you in high school? If so, you can probably assume that anyone of the opposite sex who doesn't mind holding an entire conversation with you likes you, or is at least game for the "dating" game. That's just how high school is.

bio

I've been in the advice column over five years now so I think I've pretty much heard it all... the love, the hate, the random insanity. I don't take it too seriously, so I'm not always giving the best advice, but my column is fun to read!

I am a 23 year old electrical engineer, a feminist, a Christian. I don't know everything but I can sure pretend to.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm on advicenators I'm getting even more questions every day. It's fast and easy for me to answer them, yes, so at least I'm answering something now, but if your question contains the words "there's this guy that I like..." chances are I won't get around to it. I'm only answering interesting questions that I haven't answered before. Register at the site and ask everyone for advice if you must have an answer, because if people read my column and boring love advice was all they found, they'd never come back.