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How do I talk to my manager
18/F/South africa
I started at a work 2 months ago. There are only 3 of us that work in the shop. It's me, a guy who's also 18 and then the manager and she's 27.
At first I hated the manager but through the past month I found out alot about her and that she was raped and I was able to relate to her alot. The one day at work I cried to her because I was going through personal problems. From around there I started looking up to her, sort of in a sisterly figure way.
Then the guy started working with us and she preferred him because his dad helped fix a door and lights and he's not as shy as I am so he talks more. This sucked because I wanted to be friends with her but it didn't happen and then he was working his way up to be her friend. Then today at work he told her that yesterday I told him that I look up to her and she looked at me and I got embarrassed and just looked down and tried laughing it off. I was anxious the whole day about it and when she came back to close the shop he told her about how anxious I was and she just shook her head.
I'm worried because I'm scared she thinks of me as childish because I look up to her. How do I fix this? Do I talk to her about it? Should I message her and explain myself and just say like I don't want her to see me as childish? (It's a really chilled workplace so we don't need to be professional) or what should I do?
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I wouldn’t message her about this or at all. Doing so would create a bad impression and perhaps make her see you as insecure and or in need of somebody else’s approval. In general you need to keep personal problems to self and not bring up with management unless they pertain with how you perform your job. You can be friends or friendly without them knowing much about you. It’s only 2 months in and discovering who you can trust and what you can say without possibility of it being shared or used against you professionally hasn’t been figured out.
I’m most concerned about the guy who divulged your conversation and what you said though positive about her. I wouldn’t tell him anything further as he seems like a blabbermouth who talks behind other people’s back perhaps to advance his own interests.
Odds are this person was taken aback to here what you thought of her and that’s all there is to this but there is reason to be cautious about what you say at work. They’re employers first and friends second.
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You are worrying over nothing. It is possible for a person to have more than one friend, even closest friends, so you are not out of luck because you think she has become good friends with a guy. Before I go on to explain more holes in your logic, or shall I say distorted thoughts, everyone does this at some point but many catch themselves doing this and stop. Others don't and keep adding one false thought after another and often it is based on having a low self esteem, meaning you don't think too highly of yourself. Be cautious because if you had been sexually harassed or even raped and thats the one and only thing you can relate to her on, don't bring it up. Many people do not like to have someone bringing it up in any way, even to say they relate. It is better to have other things in common, same sense of humor, liking some of the same food, hobbies in common and that is okay to bring up. Dont think that because you went through something traumatic that that is enough to base a friendship on because it sounds like that is what you are thinking and that is not correct. Looking up to someone as if they are a sibling is healthy and normal. But then you complain next that she prefers an 18 yr old male because his Dad did some repairs. That does not compute at all, its doesn't make any sense. Why? Lets use our imaginations. If what you are thinking is true and this truth is put into words by the other two people, it would sound like this. Boss to male employee: I prefer you. He is puzzled as he doesn't know what she means, "Preferred in what way?" "I prefer you over my other employee as an employee and I also prefer to have your friendship, not hers. He now looks extremely puzzled. "Okay. Why do you say this?" "I say this because your Dad was so nice to help fix things around here." "Okay, let me get this straight . . .You want to be my friend, but only because of my relationship to the person who helped you in the shop? Sounds more like you were impressed with my Dad and want to become his friend. Other than doing the work you give me each day to do, I haven't done anything special extra at all." First of all, she is 27 not 14 or so. She is more mature and most likely does not think that way. You are putting words into her mouth, predicting how she feels and what she says. Unless you are a psychic, you don't really know and even they get things wrong sometimes.
Next you say he is 'working his way' to becoming her friend. Is it really work? I don't think so. Friendship just happens if two people open their mouths and communicate together so they can form some kind of connection. Usually in work positions, while the relationship is still friendly, the people are not friends away from work. In 40 yrs of working, I only became good friends away from work with one coworker. For example, we both took our families camping together at their favorite camping spot. That is time spent outside the office and what I am talking about. A friendship with a coworker or a boss is not going to be the same thing as a friendship not related to work. It is good for the atmosphere on the job if all the workers are friendly and get along well. It would be miserable if all were mean to each other. But there is no such thing as automatically having all the kinds of things in common you need with a friend and have that with every employee and the bosses just because you work at the same company. ITs not the same thing. If he is doing something that appears like working hard to become friends, then my guess is you are guessing wrong on what is going on. I was once shy and had low self esteem and like you, always imagined the worst in each situation. I was way worse off than you. So my guess is that what you see him doing, is actually smiling, greeting her by name. Making a point to ask how her weekend was, and just pass time while doing work, more fun by talking to another person. That does not mean that in his heart is a wish to make sure you feel excluded. I did that to myself when I was like that, and sadly the truth is, you most likely are doing the same to yourself. You only talk to me of how you feel about her but not that you have talked to her. It isn't the same to say it to someone else. I have no idea why you feel so anxious that she now has heard, but only through him, that you look up to her. I know plenty of people who have felt the same way about someone and told them. And guess what? Never was anyone offended, or thought the person was immature or stupide. In fact, those looked up to felt flattered, it was a compliment to them. It is a good feeling to have someone look up to you, not a bad feeling or a nuisance as you may think. This guy is also your age. It seems you feel that he is not childish but you are? I'll check again, you are 18, and he is 18" That is the same age. Young peoples brains finish last in maturing to full adult potential so even if one may act a little more mature, neither will truly be mature until they hit their mid twenties. If you dont believe this, look up on the internet,by putting in these words and then reading away 'Pre-frontal Cortex in Teens.' This also explains why at 27, you see her as someone to look up to and want to become like one day and don't worry, you will. But you have to work on your fear of people with how they might react. I had social anxiety. It is a real thing. You have it too, to some extent. So if you want to work on yourself, since your situation and how you feel is only caused by you, and the cure can only be supplied by you, then ask me to send you instructions on what to do to overcome this fear. You may still have low selr esteem but I think once you are having success approaching people and having them respond to you in positive ways, that will automatically help your self esteem. If you write asking for this help, you need to click on the phrase in the blue column 'search advice columnists' and look under letter D for me, Dragonflymagic. Open my column and choose the button for sending me a message. This is the only way you can write directly back to me, rather than writing another post that goes to all and they wont have any idea what you are talking about. good luck dear.
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