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How to move forward with fiance?
My fiance (27m) and I (24f) have lived together roughly 4 months and been engaged for about two. Once in the past (before we were engaged) I caught him texting his ex and almost broke up with him, but he promised me he would never do it again and begged me to give him another shot. I did because he never cheated and the messages weren't very flirty and never amounted to anything. We've been together 7 months.
Then last night I went through the history on his phone and found out that just in the last week he was looking at photos of his ex on facebook and Instagram. I also found messages to a girl he kissed once a few years ago (who he went to school with). The conversation wasn't flirty and she was just asking him professional questions for their job field, but then he asked if she wanted to get drinks next time she was in town. I upon finding these things of course freaked out and told him we were done and I was leaving.
He insisted that none of it meant anything and I was overthinking things. He said he was just bored at work and absently looking through his ex's photos because he was just "curious". He also insisted he offered to go out for drinks with this girl as old friends only and nothing more and showed me proof they never went out following the discussion.
He agreed to delete his facebook and promised me he would never go on it again and that he loves me more than anything and that he had no idea these things would hurt me. He also agreed to relationship counseling and that if I ever catch him doing anything like this again that he understood me ending things.
At first I didn't believe any of it, but I kind of do when I think about it. He has had lots of female friends in the past and even lived with two girls at one point. Neither of which he was dating. One of his other best friends is also a girl (older married woman) and i knew that when we started dating and have met her twice. He's also never been in another serious relationship so I kind of can maybe understand how there could have been these misunderstandings. This is his last chance though and I'm not believing him again if I catch it happening. Am I being naive?
I also understand we got engaged super early in the relationship, but I don't like how everybody seems pretty uninterested in our wedding plans. Our wedding date is supposed to be a year away and I really thought my friends and family would want to be more involved, but one of my best friends is entirely uninterested in coming down to go to it because she's in another state. My mom would rather we just eloped and my dad hasn't even met him. His mom says she can only come if we do it within an hour of where she lives and his two best friends feel pretty much the same. As you might imagine, this isn't how I thought my dream wedding would be. My other best friend said she'd be there no matter what and it seems like one of his other best friends feel the same. My idea is pretty much turning into that we should have a very small wedding (if we make it that far) wherever we want it to be and use what we would have spent on a bigger wedding on a honeymoon for us. Either that or just putting off the wedding until whenever.
Another looming issue is his desire to get a house (in the next 3 months) in our current residential area. While part of me is fine with this, another part of me always thought in a year I'd be moving up north and to a big city for grad school. I'm not sure yet that I want to give up that dream if this is how things are going to be.
I of course love him to death, want to make things work, and don't want to make a mistake of giving up on this out of petty doubts. I know the grass always seems greener on the other side, but I also don't want to settle if the person I'm doing it for isn't the "one" after all.
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first of all you went against your own gutt feelings when it was showing all the signs that you needed to see.
YOU were too young to be engaged to someone after two months of knowing them.
There was no trust in your relationship from the time you snooped through his phone. I'm not a believer in look through my phone see what you find kind of person because my mom always told me whenever you look through someone's phone that means that you are looking to find something, just don't be upset or surprised when you find something you don't like. the first time you found out that he was cheating on you and you said that he wasn't. im sorry to say but HE WAS CHEATING ON YOU!!!! you were just too in love with you to see that. honestly you need to realize your worth like seriously.
The thing is that each time you took him back it made him know that you accept him cheating on you and treating you how ever he likes to.
A MAN WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW HIM TO TREAT YOU LOVE. He doesn't love you...he doesn't even like you if he did he would not be putting you through this heart ache and pain.
Your wedding situation.....don't enter vows with someone that doesn't value you and dishonors you every opportunity they get. there is someone out there made just for you. it might be him and just needs to grow up or it might be some else you would know that until you know who you are. you need time for yourself you need to discover who you are as a person. date yourself. you are still young.... i believe that you can do this ......don't marry this guy if you don't trust him because it wont get better if you do
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Okay first of all, going through his phone's search history is a complete violation of his privacy, and instead of him apologizing for those things, you should apologize first, and then ask him about it calmly. You don't know that he was doing anything, and it's perfectly normal to get a little jealous, but you are being a little controlling. From my point of view, it seems like he's a pretty great guy, and even tolerates you completely disregarding his right to privacy, and even understands you breaking up with him if YOU go through his phone again and see that???! I don't know, it might seem like it's be because he doesn't care about the relationship enough, but he seems like a great, understanding, tolerant, reasonable dude, and I think your reasons are understandable, but you are also overreacting a little.
I think a small wedding is fine, and your friends don't care enough to come, then don't force them. Their loss. I mean who really needs to come to a wedding really? Just family and close, good, friends. I mean, if your mom WANTS you to elope, I say elope- who doesn't love a little excitement? If you aren't willing to give up your dream, TALK to him about it, don't tell us, tell him. Talk things out between you two, and see if you want to go long-distance, or both of you move up there, you finish grad school, and move back. HOWEVER, I do think you should wait a little for the wedding. You guys are still young, live your life a little more before settling down. Save up for a trip and live a little! But don't give up this relationship if you love him, and DEFINITELY don't break up over some little doubts without talking to him about it.
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First if you are sure nothing has come of his social media contacts just forget about it. My wife and I are married 48 years come this June. We both stay in touch with ex boyfriends/girlfriends. For good reason we both dated within a close group of friends. ON the day we married she said to me, "You can look at the menu all you want but if you ever sample I'll cut something very important to you off.
I think you are being a bit demanding and controlling with your demands on his social media use. If he is sleeping in your bed every night you have nothing to worry about.
As for your wedding. Your mom wants you to elope; GREAT. Ask mom and dad to contribute to your eloping. Then plan a nice destination wedding. When I say plan I mean pick a nice Caribbean Island or someplace nice. I know most of the beach hotel on theses Islands have wedding planner. They do all the planning all you need to do is get a dress and work with the planner over the phone for what you want.
As for your fiance not interested in wedding planning. Don't be upset with him for like mot future husband he know the wedding is for the bride hence everyone say it is the brides big day.
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