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age difference and language barrier
hi... thank you for reading this.
I'm 19 years old and well a year ago i met this guy we have been en talking for some months for many hours, he would teach me his native language but since i couldnt utter a word in that language i would usually respond in spanish (the language we both learnt ) communication was difficult since he spoke better and i still struggled( he doesnt know English) then i start a sort of relationship with this guy and well he started dating this girl so we talk less then he stopped talking to me.after a month or so i message his girlfriend and she said that they broke up and he changed his number and she gave me the new number... (skipping ahead) after this three of talked then his ex insulted him in a group so we both just left and talked then we became closer and well he wanted me to vommunictae with him only his native language so we have been doing that and it has been a really good friends but then a few days ago he started asking about my views on marriage and relationships etc.Then he aasked me to be his girlfriend but i dint realize he was 40 while we were talking i thought he was in his early 30s and well I didnt give him a definite response . we still talk but i feel like i owe him a response. he still try to steer the conversations in that way and i have been avoiding it. i dont know if this age difference and language barrier can work out . also am i just a rebound ? i also had a crush on him in the past but i never felt the way he said that he does for me ... he do is worried about the age difference ... i mean i do have a crush on a 31 year old and i try to fight it ... i feel confused ...
thanks in advance , given the situation my questions are?
1. Should i just keep avoiding his questions until he gives up?
2. do i need help because i like a 31 year and was crushing on a 40 year old apparently?
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Um, by talking, do you mean calling and face timing? Also, how exactly could you not know his age? Think about how well you actually know this guy. If you really like him, try to arrange a date where you can meet, face to face, and get to know each other better. However, if it's just a crush, leave it, and let it die out. Tell him you're sorry, and you're not interested. Don't keep avoiding his questions, it'll only make this more complicated, and you'll only be running away from your problems. Try to start focusing on someone real, someone near you, available, and someone you're sure about and know. Let this crush fade, and move on.
And just saying, age difference has nothing to do with your feelings. You do not need help at all, it's perfectly normal. Although if you were 15 and liked a 70 yr old, that's a bit of a problem, but your case isn't quite so extreme.
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Hon, your potential problems may be a heck of a lot more than just being a rebound, the age difference or language barrier. While those are hard to deal with, there are many more things that could cause this to not be a good relationship at all.
Dirst, you don't need help for being attracted to older men. Some people just plain like someone older than them because they are more mature than those their own age, and can be more financially secure. This goes both ways as in young men seeking older women. I found my 2nd husband through a dating site. He has liked women older than him his whole life. I am only one year older but thats not why he fell in love with me. While on dating site, twice I had 18, 19 yr old males write to me, interested in meeting. Ny then, I had already been in a short term relationship with a man 26 yrs old. While a nice guy, he was the age of my children and there was indeed a big generation gap as far as meeting of our minds, liking or even knowing about things people his age liked and were not important to me. It was for that reason, I never took him seriously, even though he claimed he was falling for me. I had a pregnant daughter to go stay with as her delivery was in a couple months and her husband would be away. I know of a gal age 24 whom I used to work with and she became involved with a man in his mid fifties I believe. So rest easy, there is nothing wrong with you. Some females have a daddy complex or males have a mommy complex and so for those reasons seek someone older but it does not necessarily have to be the reason.
I will now tell you some things and by the end, that should help you with deciding whether to keep this up or tell him you are ending it.
Since he speaks another language, I will assume that both of you have never met in person. LDR's can work if the two met face to face and had a relationship in person before they were separated by going to different colleges or in the case of a spouse in the military who is gone alot. In my on line dating time, there were 5, maybe a sixth guy I forget that I had great relating with online. It sure looked like they were interested and all were in my state somewhere, two on my side of the state but one was in California. Although I pushed to meet them in person, it never happened and eventually I met guys locally to date and lost track of the online guys. See, this is one of the problems of online relationships, rather than in person ones, most of what we feel and believe we are experiencing is really theater of the mind. Our mind imagines and fills in the missing things you don't have since this is not real in person. Our minds are also known to be important in sex because how we are thinking can make us aroused or even have an orgasm for some, even though we are alone. That is how powerful our minds are. So if we are counting on feelings alone, we can be led astray.
Now , I also know of people who had an LDE and the other person eventually got tired of lets call it a 'one dimentional relationship and turned to real warm blooded people in their area to experience a multi dimentional relational where they can not only see but touch and kiss and yes, have sex. There is no way to know if another person online is doing this because of the distance and not having a face to face relationship. For example, if a guy says you are his girlfriend, theres only you and you see him often for dates, know where he lives, where he works and one day go bring him dinner since he said he had to work late, you fin d him making out with another woman. This is stuff you can't learn online in an LDR. There is something to learning to rely not on a guys words but on his body language and facial expressions. I have on plenty of occasions seen a mans eyes change from normal to the pupils widening and the eyes going dark which means they are aroused by me. This you can't see on line. Then there is another thing I learned in my dating before I met my second husband. There is something called chemistry. You either have it, and can feel it with a person or you don't. This feeling should not however be confused with that heightened exciting feeling of something new, or someone new in your life. It is that head in the clouds feeling where your heard does somersaults and so on. That is New Relationship energy and the heightened feelings are so different and feel so good that some people never go for a long term relationship, only staying the couple months with someone until the newness wears off and they don't feel that emotional high and they move on to a new person because this is like their drug of choice and is very addicting. A truly loving relationship can feel not like you are drugged still after a couple months but the deep feelings of love, being in love, and not just loving aspects of the person, are still there.
Now that I mentioned love and in love, there is a difference. I am not talking of LDR's now but something important to know in all relationships.
Only a few have an actual list they've kept of all the things they find important in finding a sweetheart, mate. But those who haven't will still react even if subconsciously, to a person who had the type of sense of humor like their own, likes the same hobbies, also loves pets and animals and much more. But you can be drawn to someone only over a handful of things you love about them but not be in love with them. In love is where the two of you have bonded in a way that if one died due to some accident, the surviving partner would not find it easy to move on with their life and may want to give up and die themselves. The two are willing to do whatever to help each other, build each other up, support each others needs and talents, etc. and this list goes on. I did not have that in 1st marriage, or with any of the guys I dated but have this only with my 2nd husband. No it wasn't a miracle but hard work, tedious too for meeting so many guys, having a list of what I was looking for to find my 'Mr. Right' and turning away many hopefuls who I could tell either only liked aspects of me or were in lust with me, not in love. So I did not marry any of them. I was now older and wiser. The first husband was verbally abusive and controlling.
The list I mentioned is also important. My 2nd husband had only two things he was looking for, someone his spiritual equal and someone his sexual equal. In a document I titled Finding Mr. Right, I explain how important some things like this are to one person, not to another but if important to you, should be on the list. If you ever want me to send it, go to my column first, then use the button to send a message and only I will get it. If you post a comment in the place for rating my response, I can not answer, it is not possible and I sense you may want to hear more of what I have to share. This is long because there is much that I learned by the school of hard knocks, by experiencing over my life that I wished someone had told me at age 19, truly I do. For it would have saved me marrying a man not right for me.
Now another thing, the strongest relationships are built on a solid foundation. So it would be important to know what that foundation is. Its actually very simple to understand but the majority of committed couples, married or not, do not have it right and thats why there is so much divorce. I admit I didn't choose right with the first man. I regret so many years wasted in learning so if what I share can shorten your learning process so you end up with who is best for you, then I will be happy. Now the foundation is made of two parts, and most couples have only one. One is being each others best friend. There are many boy-girl friendships that work long term or life long, even if both are dating others or married because the other part, being each others sexual equal is not there. Sure, people can have sex without actually feeling attraction or only a weak attraction but in the long run, neither will be happy. I will spell out for you what being a sexual equal is since unfortunately this isn't taught in a class like relationships 101 for teens and young adults. When I say equal, I mean both feel exactly the same way on different things. A biggie I had wrong with my ex was him having a low libido and me a higher one. Libido is the same thing as ones sex drive and desire for sexual union. It is okay to have a low sex drive and being happy with once a month, once every other week or maybe 4-5 times in one month at most. There is also nothing wrong with having a high libido. This would be anything from several times per week up to several times per day if possible. Yes, the last sounds extreme and there are few people in the world who can pull it off but once per day or night, ending up with 7 times per week would fall under a high libido. So it is extremely important that your choice of person be exactly the same as you because otherwise, one or the other will feel unfulfilled, have resentment on the situation and eventually stray to others for sex or simply divorce for that reason. Having the same likes sexually, not just simply doing it because ones partner asks but because you enjoy it too would be both liking or not liking oral sex. My first husband never did it and did not want it. Missionary position was it for him. Then there are many other things such as different positions, role playing and the kinky stuff. The two need to be pretty close in wanting and liking the same stuff or the relationship will not work in the long run. Since todays younger people tend to label an acquaintance a friend, I feel I should also explain what being each others best friend is like. An acquaintance is someone you have met and know through some association and you may be friendly towards each other and enjoy short chats but not really spend time away from what ever that association is, getting to know each other better and really caring about each other as another human being. For example, this could be kids you went to school with, people you work with, the clerk at the grocery you routinely go to, the barista at your local coffee shop. A friendship though can blossem out of meeting people in venues like this. I became friends with some I went to school with, and a friend of one gal I worked with at two different jobs together. This means I spent time with classmates at their homes, or mine, played together, went to events together and the same for the one lady I worked with. When we discovered we both liked camping, she arranged for my family to meet hers at their favorite camping spot.. A friend is someone who can tell how you are doing or feeling by a look at your face as they know you that well. They offer, help, support, compliments, consoling, and so on. They never would dream of doing things that could hurt you or say things that would hurt either. Today, people tell me their best friend gets angry at them all the time and belittles them, calls them names, etc. and wonder how to fix that. I tell them its time to break it off because that is not the description of a friend but an enemy. And who wants to hang out with their enemies? Not me.
It may seem I have rambled on but trust me, I am still making my points on what is important in a healthy relationship. So this guy you talk to, I want you to ask yourself the following questions:
Do I know for sure we both share the same kind of chemistry/pheromones. (Keep in mind this can only be determined in person, it doesn't work over the internet.)
Do I love a few aspects of him so I can say I love him, or am I in love with him?
Are we acquaintances, internet friend or are we each others best friend? ( which is needed for a successful in- person relationship)
Are we each others sexual equal? (Words are cheap so don't go by what you've been told, this you can only know from spending time in person with a partner before committing to being in their life long-term or in marriage)
Do I know for sure and feel I can trust him fully, that he will always be consistent in what he portrays himself to be? (Because of the nature of LDRs who have not known each other in person, there is no way to have trust built between the two. Scientifically, it can't happen. If you feel something like that, it is a false feeling)
Is he simply at mid life crisis, feeling like being with a younger female so he can feel younger, and only wanting to use me to that end, or is he truly drawn to younger females or me, because he is looking for a real loving relationship.
Is he willing to let me be my own person or does he seem to tell me how I should behave, or seem to have an agenda?
Does he seem too pushy, to get me to accept his idea's, his wishes and his beliefs? (this goes along with the previous questions and constantly steering conversation to what he wants to talk about can be a sign of this, but the only sign I know of yet)
Does he have the same goals in life?
Does he have some hobbies or likes in common with me?
Do his friends and family know about me? (Friends are a good way to learn who he is. If he isn't willing to let you meet or talk to his friends and meet family members, then something is wrong and he may be hiding something. In some cases, such a person is married. I met one guy like this who on our first meet up talked abut renovations on the house he owned as reason why I couldn't come over and I insisted I come over as I had some skills in that area and offered to help. That shut him down, he erased his profile and stopped calling.)
Does he agree with me on the things that are must haves for me, things which if missing mean I would never consider a relationship with him? (This is a big one I explain in 'finding Mr Right' because there are some issues that can tear up a relationship before or long after it started. A deal breaker might be you wanting at least one kid with him and him not wanting one at all, ever and not because of his age. Another could be assuming you will convert to his beliefs with any pressure from him, not left alone to believe spiritually as you wish. This is a deal breaker for me. I met guys who wanted me to believe as they did. Both my hubby and I believe pretty closely the same and neither of us criticize the other or try to change each other view or belief on some of the things.
I know there are more but my mind is drawing a blank right now. As you will note, there are things you can not answer yes to because you can not know for sure with this being an LDR. I am not even talking of age or language barrier. Those things can be overcome if there is love.
I do however have a real warning for you. There are many countries where women are still treated like lower class citizens, have no rights or must do as the man in her life, whether father or husband insist on or are punished severely for disobeying. Since you are from an English speaking country, perhaps this man is looking to find someone to better his financial opportunities by marrying and moving to your country where the economy may be better. For this, he doesn't have to love you, you and marriage are his ticket over and if he falls for you, good. But if he doesn't, he divorces and goes on to do what he wants. Or, if he is totally unwilling to move and stay in your country the rest of his life, it could be that due to the way he was raised as a male, all he needed to do is keep after you pressurig you until you break and give in simply because he won't accept you choosing otherwise, and he works you to the point of you feeling you want to uproot and move to his country for the rest of your life, never having a chance to see your family, cut off from everyone you know and dependant on only him. There is no guarantee he is a man of integrity or whether he will abuse. I suffered verbal abusive with my ex, so I can imagine what the worse part might be and have heard from women who were trapped and found a person willing to help them escape.
I am not racist but very careful with any man. However, in my life, I have had experiences with some men of middle eastern descent that confirm how they use the tactic of pressuring and turning the conversation to only what they want to discuss and trying to wear me down so I give in and let them into my life. One knew me through school. He wasn't in any of my classes yet he followed me around and popped up everywhere. He started conversations with me all the time. Religion, and what I like to do to find out where he might have an edge. I was Christian and He was not, so since spiritual belifes was important to me, plus I did not feel any chemistry while in his presence, I was not interested and kept telling him so. He didn't take no for an answer and kept pestering me. I still remember when he asked what I usually do on a Saturday morning. I told him I help my Mom every Saturday with grocery shopping which was true. Then he said, that since I wasn't available to meet him at other times, (forgetting I said I wasn't interested,) he said he would come along with me and my Mom and help so he could be with him and actually handed me his number on paper asking me to call him. He did this pressuring me until I graduated and he lost track of me. Another man I met through association with my first husband started asking all sorts of questions. When he heard something that appealed to him as a way to get into my life as a sex partner, he pestered me every time I saw him. Mind you, this is here in the U.S. not some foreign country. But even if living in the U.S. or even if US citizens, if they are raised with the distorted value system where women are concerned, they can still act this way. So this man asked if I had children. I said yes. He asked how many girls and boys. When I said only girls, he told me that he could give me boys. He never gave that up and every time he saw me would ask if I was ready for him to give me boys. All he wanted was sex. And he was saying that only because boys are valued more in his race than females but scientifically he can't choose whether a child is female or male, its up to which sperm gets there first. Also, he didn't care I was married and wanted either an affair or to steal me away. I told the husband about this guy and so the man was banned from even associating with my husband. I did not like being pressured as if my feelings and my will didn't count and these guys only wanted me to give up and let them into my life. So depending on how he was raised to believe about women, you may want to tread very carefully and not make any rash decisions to relocate, or even go for a visit. It isn't just men from countries that don't value women but white males too can be the same way but in their case its distorted thinking, psychopath/sociopath types, other mentally ill, wand just general bad men who will mistreat women. I was once leaving a restaurant behind another couple. As they approached the door, he yelled at her, "Woman, open that door for me, Now!" She had her head hung down and didn't look at him or anyone else around and did as he said. This was a controlling abusive man and he was white. SO don't misunderstand, bad men can be found in any country but if they are already in certain foreign countries where the majority of women are abused and have no say and the government doesn;t see that as wrong and women have no place to turn to for help, then you may seriously want to avoid a relationship with him.
If you like men of a certain race, then meet them in person in your own country because they already live near by. There is always a chance they may be good men who will treat you like a princess and have no association with the beliefs of their ancestral country regarding women.
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