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I'm helping him cheat, but I don't want it to stop
I met this boy in my history class. The teacher made us sit together for a project, and we hit it off almost immediately. I started having romantic feelings for him, but I later learned he has a girlfriend. Despite him being in a relationship, we have sexted each other on multiple ocassions, and even had sex. I've tried talking to him about multiple times, but every time we agree to back off, we both go back to this. I know the right thing to do would be to back off and keep it that way, but I love this attention I'm getting from him. No other boy has treated me like this before, amd I don't want it to stop. I know it's selfish, but I'm still struggling over what to do. Hia girlfriend doesn't know about me as far as I can tell. We're both in highschool if that helps anything. Thank you for the advice in advance!
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Break it off with him. It's totally normal to want a boy you like to give you attention, but it shouldn't be at the price of your own morals. If he's only had sex with you and won't tell his girlfriend and break up with her for you, then chances are, he's just using you for exactly that: sex. Also by having this relationship with this guy is being unfair to his girlfriend. Relationships are built on trust, and obviously, he can't be trusted even if he were to be with you as a boyfriend now, because he was willing to cheat on his previous girlfriend, so why should he be unwilling to cheat on you? Now, I'm not saying that's what he will do, but eventually, you will start having these thoughts, and when that time comes, it won't be pretty. Your relationship with this guy should not go any further because you will only get hurt. Break off all contact with him. Block his number and all social media. Avoid him as much as possible at school, don't even look at him. Don't talk to him at all unless necessary. That's the easiest way to do this. Grieve a little, and move on. There is a guy out there for you that will treat you right, but it's clearly not him.
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Ah, you are in the middle of learning some moral lessons in life. Morals are lessons relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior and not just knowing something is wrong but exercising will power to actually do what you know is right. It seems you know what is wrong, so what is left is using sheer willpower to stop doing what you know is wrong.
You are learning that things that are wrong or bad are not always a clear cut thing to avoid due to how it feels good, looks, sounds good. This is your lesson. Yes, of course it feels good to receive attention from a male, to have verified how attractive you are as a female.
There is nothing more to stopping this than simply not doing it, no matter how much you keep wanting it. So I can't say it will help for you to know some possible reasons why you are drawn to him, what is actually going on with him having two girls in his life, and so on. So I will share a few things. They aren't in themselves things to make you want to stop having sex with him while he has a girlfriend but perhaps with the added knowledge, it will help you to stand firm and stop, even if he can't or doesn't want to.
First, when young girls start going through puberty is when a certain need arises, to receive positive affirmations from a male figure in her life or perhaps the kind of attention or love she receives is wrong because she doesn't see it as positive or it actually isn't good or positive. Sometimes there is no Dad in her life who is the most likely one but know that I do not speak of sexual attention, but verification that you are a pretty female, talented female, etc. I naturally began to want to spend more time in Dads presence, needed more bear hugs and craved his comments on talents such as my latest poems I shared with him, latest skill on guitar, or even getting his opinion of how the dress I choos for a school dance looked on me. It just meant more to have a Dad comment that I would indeed look pretty for all the boys rather than having my Mom, another female asy that. As a result, I had experienced positive attention and love from Dad so I never experienced with sex while in High school. I have read studies that conclude that females that don't recieve the right kind of attention from a male figure in her life, is going to look for it in sex. It may be true for all, but may not be for you, it's just the most common reason. See, having sex is a way that some females get that feeling of being loved, even when the guy may not love her. Sex for most males is about lust first, scratching that sexual itch with a female who is willing to let him do that. So why if he might not have sex with a girlfriend, does he come to you then? Pay attention, this is important. Another lesson for you to learn is that the majority of couples out there married or not, where one or both of them cheat on the other is actually for a reason. They are with the wrong person! I'll go back a bit to explain how someone can be wrong. A solid, happy rewarding relationship is built on two things, one being each others beat friend and the second being each others sexual equal. The goal is to find both in one person, not having the best friend in one person and the lover in other which unfortunately is the case with the majority of couples out there. Teens need to be taught info like this but it doesn't happen, or there would be more successful couples rather than divorces. Yes there are other reasons for breakups but this is the most common one. When I divorced a husband of 30 years since he was verbally abusive and getting worse and refusing Dr. help, I found that even grown men did not over their life learn that it is more than just the initial looks that attract that help keep a persons interest in you. For men, being visually stimulated as a trait in all except gay men, they react sexually, to a certain female. Yes, some want only the sex and will juggle as many females as they can who seem to be content with just the sex and not looking for more. This is bad as females have been training males without realising it that it is okay with them and it is acceptable for them to recieve only a part of him, not all of him as a person. We tend to accept lots off bad behavior and treatment, as I did too in my past with my first boyfriend who was my first husband. So, no I don't think you are a bad person for being in your situation, I was there too once. But I do think that if a person doesn't learn and choose to adopt a behavior change for the better, and sticking with your moral beliefs, then it is a waste of experience and unproductive if what you do means you do not make some character changes in yourself. If making such choices to ignore the lesson and continue doing what you know is wrong, only then do I feel that a person is doing something wrong. Many do what they know they shouldn't but just because they do doesn't mean you should.
Another thing against teens is that although their bodies have changed and matured into sexual beings, a part of their brain is not anywhere near being done growing and fully mature. I am speaking of the pre frontal cortex. You can look up reports on that part of brain in teens for all the details on the web, but basically it affects good decision making so it is a good thing for teens to try to learn from any bad decisions, not feel shamed by the fact they were learning from a situation that was a morally not right thing to do. So it is good that you have decided to reach out for advice. This is the best thing you can do throughout your early adult life, use the parents or other older adults as a sounding board for advice. Take in all the opinions, lessons, and shared info or knowledge to then make a better decision Before taking an action rather than after once you are in the middle of a mess. Right now, you are at the stage of reaching out for advice after the effect and the next step for you is to learn to do so before. I know talking about sex and your experiences are not something a teen would share with parents but the need is still there so you will need to have another adult who won't freak out but give you the words you need to hear.
You are in a tough part of life, the time when young males are more interested in getting their first sexual experience or finding a sex partner rather than being interested in a girls moral character.Eventually, as males grow older, they begin to be interested in finding a female they love not just for the sexual connection or her beauty which is skin deep, but for the unique beauty of her soul, her personality, her character.
Another help for you might be discovering there is a difference between a male saying they love you or a male being 'in love' with you. Humans use 'love' to describe something they like very strongly. SO a chocoholic may say, I love chocolate. Another says, I love Mexican food, or even I love my girlfriend but he may only love her looks and a few of her personality traits, often those that first caught a persons interest, like sound of their laugh, their sense of humor, etc. But more often that not, we can love certain people without being in love. That was the case when a counselor differentiated the two for my first husband and asked him if he was in love with me, not just loving certain aspects of my character. This would pertain to the friendship part of a relationship. The husband admitted he had never been in love with me at any point. So not only was he not my best friend, but the sex we had was just routine machine functions, taking care of that itch and anyone will do, not because I was someone who ignited his desire by simply looking at me, playing with my hair or simply listening to my voice as I talk as is the case with my 2nd husband. I learned what I did not like in a man and vowed to never settle for less than what I wanted, no matter how hot looking or rich a guy might be.
What you are teaching this young man is that women are willing to take any little scrap of attention they will give, even if they have no interest in committing to a relationship because they want all of you, inside and out. If you will do it and lets say he stops seeing both you and his girlfriend, he will continue to do the same because there are plenty of girls desperate enough to be able to say they have a boyfriend and will put up with less than ideal behavior from a male, including verbal or physical abuse. This happens for a great amount of teen females.
So, this all boils down to some thinking you need to do. If you are okay with just being the sex partner and don't want to learn something from this, then ignore all I've shared and keep seeing him. At some point, life will blow up in your face and you will be very hurt emotionally when treated as if you don't really matter to a guy.
Truly the best thing is to start with learning how to be a close friend to a guy you like and really spend the time learning from each other how the opposite sex thinks, reasons stuff out, and so on. It is very different. For example, males of all ages will not share something with their girlfriend or wife if he feels it might upset her, such as an unexpected bill in the mail, or that he developed a serious medical condition, and even if with the wrong girl, guys have trouble being honest and breaking up because they fear crying and hysterics in the female. So when keeping info from a female, its not a desire ti be dishonest or
shifty that compels them but a want to protect the feelings of the female. It stems from a mans natural instinct to want to protect. Women who misunderstand this will be very upset with their man. Women who do understand will thank them for caring about protecting their feelings but instruct that they wish to know in the future so that both can make decisions together as couples should if they are committed to each other, married or not. There is so much more I could talk about but this should be enough for you to understand maybe why you feel so much drawn to him, the difference between lust and love and what a whole healthy relationship truly is. I know as I've had the worst in the past and have the best now in my man.
If you still struggle and it feels like you are fighting yourself, like there are two of you inside of you, one wanting to keep up the sexting and sex and the other wanting the opposite, then I may have to explain to you about how ones subconcious mind can fight against your awake/conscious mind so that you are forever battling basically . . .yourself. No one else can be blamed, not even the boy who is cheating on his girlfriend. If thats the case, and you want to hear that as well, look up my name Dragonflymagic in advicegiver list and bring up my page. From there you can start a new qusetion, reguest directed just at me rather than going to all her on advicenators.
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