|
A student hates me
24/f
I am a new teacher at this school/district. I am a third grade teacher.I am known to be a nice teacher. Students know me, they think I'm kind, they think I look young, etc. I can be mean if I need to be, just not to the extent some teachers are.
I try to run a positive atmosphere in my classroom. I am all about respect and anti-bullying. The good thing is, that it's working. Even though I have a chatty class, I have students who get along with EVERYONE. If anyone bullies anyone or says something that is disrespectful to someone else, they apologize to that particular person or write an apology letter.
I have a student who actually hates me. Here's the thing, academically, he's great. He's one of my top students in the class. Behaviorally, he's not the best.
I have told him MANY times to get in line, walk in line quietly, to stop talking over my lesson, etc. It got to the point where his behavior had regressed. I had to contact his father about his behaviors. His father ended up getting involved for a short period of time and then disappeared. Meanwhile, his behaviors started regressing again after 1-2 weeks.
This student has spoken about race, saying "for Black History Month, students should go to KFC and only black people should get free fried chicken." When he found out my first language was Chinese, he continued to say "ni hao" in the middle of my lessons. Today, he was talking to my other students about gangs. I have spoken to his father again, and yet, I have not received a response.
The disciplinary actions at this school and district are pretty much non-existent. So, I'm relying on the parents for support.
This student has made it clear SEVERAL times that he does not want to be at school, he does not want to learn. This is a student who told me he wants a new mom because he makes him take out the trash.
I hate lecturing, but someone who values respect and tries to get students to be thankful for what they have, it infuriates me. So, yes. I have made points there are other countries who can't afford to go to school, they should be happy to get free education. He does not care.
He told me the reason why he is rude because "his parents are rude." I am running out of ideas for him. He has been passing around notes to other students telling others that he hates me.
I'm confused. Why does he hate me? Should I even care about how he feels? Should I let an 8 year old make me feel validated?
Having a student that doesn't want to be at school, can throw off the entire class. All of my students want to learn and want to be there. He doesn't, for some reason. He asks politely for help, he doesn't say anything to my face, but my question is WHY does he hate me? Am I supposed to do something about that?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Work/School Relationships?
You are a teacher. Your job is to teach them, you do not have to worry about something like that. If he does not want to learn then focus your attention to the students that do. They do not deserve to have their time cut short because you are trying to get one student to do right. What you should do is ignore him completely and focus on what is important. Do NOT worry about him, you seem like a great teacher and a great woman. I hope my advice helped you. Thank you for your time
]
He doesn't hate you. When kids are frustrated for whatever reason, this is often the first phrase that comes out of their mouth toward parents or some one in authority. I remember one of my children telling me they hated me because I did not buy something she wanted at the store. It was later that evening and still bugged her and she told me that. I had to ask questions like why do you feel like you hate me and find out what was the root of that phrase.
I understand he's not just saying it but acting in a way that supports it.
However, this kid has clearly told you exactly what the problem is.
Mom either left or died and he misses her and wants a mom deep down, even if he wouldn't consciously admit it and it had nothing to do with getting out of taking out the trash. He wants a Mom and a Dad who are available to raise him, listen to him when he has something to share of his day, teach him a proper way to treat others, teach him manners. No he won't admit to that, but children feel very insecure if they don't have boundaries the parents set. Apparently he has none and therefore feels insecure plus unloved and maybe abandonment issues regarding Mom, no matter if it was thru death. Oh kids will test the boundaries with a parent or teacher to make sure you don't just threaten but never carry through. The first time my middle child on purpose cleared her high chair tray by knocking everything to the kitchen floor, I wasn't angry but it was not acceptable. All she has to do was say "done", I wouldn't force her to eat more. She already knew and many times had said Done and I removed her right away. This time, I took a wet sponge and told her that we do not throw food on the floor, it just makes a big mess and when we make a mess we have to clean it up. I put her hand on the sponge and with my hand held it there to swipe at the mess. She resisted, she hated it. I still had to clean it properly once I released her but she never did that again. Not because she feared me or consequences, I showed I cared enough about her to take the time to show her something about life, a truth...that we all have to clean up our own messes. She could create more messes on purpose or have less to clean up for the accidental or innocent ones. So first, I commend you for setting that standard. But it isn't enough. He needs much more. His dad may be overwhelmed, still grieving loss of mate for either reason. Cus I don't know of a man who will divorce his wife and choose to keep his kid by choice simply cus he no longer liked the wife. There are exceptions to that but generally, men know being a single parent is going to suck. Basically anytime left to just you is now taking up being not just Dad but Mom too. This father sounds like he is choosing to be neither. You are just his teacher and it is not the teachers responsibility to take up the slack and be a parent or even just a counselor for him. I like advicemans suggestions but I have one other. He may be too angry yet for this one, but the Big Brothers and Big sister program will put him in touch with people anywhere from around your age to way older. I have read many wonderful stories of the child who for whatever reason was being neglected in their childhood, even if it was just parents having no time to spend with him, doing something fun together, or having time to listen to him. He may need some counseling. But what he needs most is an adult willing to be his buddie, really care about him, someone they can contact whenever they feel a need for an adult to talk to.
Right now, I hate to admit though that contacting CPS might be the best thing. It's happened to people I know and the kids were taken away but after parent counseling and psychiatrist help and the parents doing better, they are ready to give the kids back to the parents. ITs not like calling them will split them up forever. A parent is responsible for providing the basics and if a parent can not even respond to you, then that hints to me something is wrong either internally with that parent or the care of the child. A roof over the head, proper meals and proper adequate clothing for all weather is what every parent must do as a minimum. It would be good for them to look into the family to see if the child is getting fed or has to fend for themselves. I know the horror stories of 5 yr olds or younger who can't cook but make a meal of cereal and milk or peanutbutter on bread or when theres no food in the house that can be eaten without cooking, they starve. Even poor parents can get food and clothes given to them for their child so theres no excuse there. I wasn't too proud to not take advantage of that when my husband was laid off work and things were tight.
You are not supposed to have to do anything about this. Schools and laws were not as lax or non existant when I was a kid in school in the 60s and 70s. Things have gone down hill since then. They were beginning to get real bad when my kids were in school but from what I hear from others, its now much worse. When a kid knows that ALL the adults in authority, those with the school board for your area, the individual schools, the parents don't give a crap about him as an individual, then we can't expect them to be model citizens or even know how to act They've never had an good example long enough in their short life to have it sink in for them to copy. With only bad examples, its no wonder he is like that.
You can't have him forever disrupting his class.
One more idea, I don't know if its possible, but do you get to choose to have any special people come to class, you know like when a kid has a parent come to class to talk about what they do, or a policeman who came to school and told us about how to be safe? Check if a rep of the big brothers and sisters program would be willing to come to your class. Have them tell the kids what the organization offers. Hopefully this boy will show some interest. If not, you may just let the representative know ahead which child you are mostly concerned about and see if they can build a conversation with the boy. Never know, there may be other kids who want to take advantage of the program and then give them info to take home to parents. In the case of this boy, you may have to call and leave messages to make sure he knows about it and give his okay for the child to be part of the program. If no response again, and the school district has no rules to help you out with an unruly but very neglected and feeling unloved, child, then you'll have no recourse but to call CPS. Although their concern is mostly about a childs physical needs and getting physical help when needed, they do not seem to have anything in place that addresses the mental health of a child. Not saying he has mental illness, just the way he is thinking, copying all the bad his Dad does, no idea of what is a proper way to treat others and how to respond to authority, feeling neglected, unwanted, abandoned, unloved etc....
I am not surprised he is this way. Maybe a teacher who has already raised her/his own kids and feels comfortable reaching out may help. When my kids were young, I did that very thing, inviting any kids they knew from school who didnt have a good home life to come over. Of course I went to the door of the parents first, introduced myself and gave them my address and number and had their kids over. Those kids got as much attention as my own. One case was twins whose mom had become a drug addict of late and the dad, much older, like grandpa age worked two jobs and loved his kids and was thankful I was around to help. Another was a latch key girl of a single mom who got home real late from work so she could come to my apartment any time or if she was in trouble. One day she was freaking out due to slicing her finger accidently with a knife. It wasn't deep, I did the mother doctoring thing and the bleeding stopped. Her mom was grateful. But that mom never asked me to look out for her kid. I volunteered. Same with the twins. Same for a couple kids that grandma got every summer and the kids got bored of being watched by her only in the house and her yard and never going anywhere else and started complaining. I spoke with her and let her know my place was available for the kids to hang out with mine even if they didn't know my kids. They could be summer time friends and it worked out very well. No, it wasn't my responsibility. But it is the do-good people in life who really do care and don't turn a blind eye to whats in front of them who will volunteer or take on and handle something that isn't their responsibility because others are falling down on the job. This is tough and it may all fall apart and not work at all.
ONe more thing, a child like this boy, will not melt instantly when someone shows him special attention or singles him out for something special, he will reject it and its a natural thing to reject that which you want so badly but you feel by now its too good to be true and you;re already hurting and don't want to get your hopes up only to get let down again. It will take a person who despite being turned away by this boy many times who persistently shows him they care, before he will soften and take the chance to believe they see something in him that no one else did, they want to know the real him. As I said, you're a teacher, you're not meant to be his psychologist and I am not one either. All I have shared is basic psychology stuff I've learned simply through life experiences and hearing from professionals or children or parents of professionals or neighbors who were professional in whatever job they did.
I'd like to know how this progresses if you feel the need to talk to someone about it. I am hoping and praying for a miracle here for both your and his sake.
]
Third Grade that would make him eight or nine years old. This is a tough age for some kids. It is very possible he is rebelling against the discipline he is receiving in your classroom that maybe non-existent at home. He probably hates you for the same reason.
Some things you can try to do with. Ask for a parent teacher conference with both parents, the principal and a representative from the special education department.
Another thing you can do is ask Child Protective service(CPS) to do a home visit. CPS even though over worked still in most instances they are pretty savvy if they suspect the parents are not parenting that child properly they will step in.
One last thing is to have the school psychologist evaluate the child for Attention Deficit Disorder and a form of Autism.
These are the best things I can think of based on what you have written.
]
More Questions: |