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Friend being cheated on...should I tell him?
Ok, so I'm friends with this girl and this boy who have been dating for a few years now. Let's call the boy V and the girl J. J is bipolar, but somewhat high functioning, from an abusive family, and is recovering from a drug addiction. V, even before they started dating, has helped her with everything. He paid for her to get into rehab, for her mental health, helped her press charges against her abusive parents, and has overall been extremely emotionally supportive. I know V really well and he loves her to death.
For some reason J decided to cheat on him. I noticed her hanging with some other guy. At first I brushed it off, thinking that perhaps they were working on something for school or something. But then I figured out she was sleeping with him. I asked her about it, and apparently she isn't as in love with V as he is with her. But she warned me not to tell him, and claims that if I do nothing good will come out of it because his heart will be broken.
I agree that V will be so depressed because he really does love and respect her. He always talks so highly of her and even when he's had a god awful day she makes him happier. I'm honestly so angry that J would do something like this and to make matters worse I've figured out she's been sleeping with this other guy for two and a half years! So while V has been comforting her, helping her through hard times, and saving her from abuse, she's been going behind his back.
Should I tell him what she's doing or should I keep it a secret?
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One more vote for the fact that he needs to know and the sooner is better than going long term and finding out after all that time that you knew and didn't say anything because she asked you not to tell. Its like those teens who tell a friend they are going to commit suicide and not to tell their parents. When people ask you to keep quiet about something that earth shattering for the others who are not supposed to be told, I tell them for example in suicide, if the friend does die, the parents will be so devastated, they usually blame themselves for not seeing the signs, (i have a daughter who when in HS kept depression hidden from me and I was very active in her life and we talked about everything but that is one thing she choose not to tell me)and parents often get divorced because each is blaming the other for the childs death. They may not know you knew but their lives are changed forever. And if they found out the teen knew, they could easily hate the teen afterward. No matter how bad the news, how heart breaking, most people would rather know so they can then take action. To be robbed of the chance to take action because they don't know can frustrate and make a person very angry for a long time. Sadness is inevitable,grief has its own length of time for everyone but anger doesn't have
to be held long term.
To get yourself out of this terrible place in between two friends, I vote for Advicemans suggestion. Instead of going ahead and just telling him and then angering your friend and possibly losing her as friend, if you give her a deadline to tell him by or you will tell him, puts the burden back on her. If she does nothing, she'll know what you will do next. She also had to tell you on the day she told him, that she's done it because she could do the stupid thing and tell you that she already told him and broke up and trust that you would not think to call him now because he already knows when he doesn't. Make the time limit short. If you give her too much time, he may find out on his own and then again be angry you didn't tell him and he spent however much more time investing in a relationship she no longer has interest in investing back. I'd say give her two weeks if she normally sees him all the time or they text or talk often. If its a LDR, well, she can still write him, not the best way to break up but it will do. IF she asks for more time, don't give it. More time doesn't help a person grow balls to do what they have to do, it just makes it harder to do period. Then sooner the better.
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J is right V will be heartbroken if you tell him so she should be the one to tell him and for now that is my advice. You should be convincing her how wrong she is to accept his love and good will, both monetary and emotional, while sleeping with someone else. Being bipolar is no excuse for this behavior.
Facts are that V will eventually find out it always happens. He is bound to see J and the other guy is some intimate setting somewhere. When he does he will be heartbroken and hurt. He will feel he is being taken advantaged of and he is.
Give her a dead line to tell him by or you will. A break up of this type should be between the two of them. But you are right he does need to know so he is not blindside at some point and hurt more than necessary. As a good friend to both you need to be there and supportive to both regardless of whether she tells him or you do.
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ABSOLUTELY.!!!
Yes his heart will be broken, but it is better to deal with heart break now then later on in life. He will be more heartbroken if he finds out that you knew and decided to spare him for NOW because that is what you are doing, than to tell him the truth. Truth is always better and trust me you don,t want to lose him protecting a cheater. And the guy she is sleeping with will get his karma too. Unless he doesn't know either then i feel very sorry for her.
You should tell him because if you don't not only will you lose a friend, but you will resent yourself and the girl for this because you know about it and you are just smiling and having convos with him while you know his gf is doing things behind his back and then there will be a change between you and the girl and he can and will tell the difference. And plus you don't want someone else to tell him and then you get in more trouble for not being honest with him as his friend.
Tell him and let the stitches come apart and they need to, but you will be there for him and slowly you can help sew them back
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