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Mom gets really jealous
Hi 18 F.. My mom tends to get jealous of my relationships. I have been dating a guy for about a month now. He is 9 years older than me and she was fine with it. She told me recently that she doesn't know what it is but he is a bad person and now she won't let me see him. I feel I'm old enough to make my own dicisions. I'm to afraid to talk to he because she is really aggressive. Please help me?
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Trust me when I say a mother knows.
I had friends who would use me or just weren't good for me and i couldn't see it back then, but my mom could. She helped me alot when I was 18 and even younger.
You are 18 so you are an adult and can see him she can't stop you, but you also have to realize that she is a mother protecting her child. And also if you are living in HER house you also can't just go out and do whatever you want because since you are old enough she can kick you out as well.
I think you should talk to your mother and ask her why she feels how she feels. Maybe she will tell you some insight into something she saw or some bad feeling she is having. It could be that she does get a feeling about him but doesn't know what it is or how to tell you. Also try inviting him to dinner so you all can sit down and get to know eachother. Maybe go out for dinner or lunch if she doesn't want him around. Just try and see why your mother is feeling this way.
It can also be because you are 18 and will soon be leaving and moving out and she can be progressing that onto anything. But I say just talk to her and try to get them to do something where you guys are all together so you can both get to know him. You only been with him for a month so you both can try and get to know more about him.
Hope this helps. Keep me posted
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At 18 you are considered an adult and can make decisions on your own, with or without your Mom's approval.
First I will look at it from your age. When I was your age, I felt I was very mature and truth is I was but not in experience with relationships. I knew next to nothing about the warning signs that a guy is bad for me. So I married a Church going guy at age 20 and about a few months after marrying, he let his true colors show. He was verbally abusive my whole marriage til I left him in my 40s and got divorced. Most parents have life experience and can see potential future problems in the behavior of a guy their daughter dates or vice versa. However, my own parents were fooled.
Since you mention its only been a month, thats not enough time as far as I believe for a parent or even you to see potential future problems with the guy.
I am currently a mom of three grown daughters ranging from mid twenties to 30. From a parents perspective, after 18 years of being the one to constantly teach and guide a child, it is like culture shock to all of a sudden stop doing that when ones child becomes an adult. So I can't say if its jealousy. Although when I married the first time, my mom didnt exactly act jealous but she saw something in me that she felt she missed, the dating of guys and falling in love, etc because she came out of war time Germany and came to America to marry a guy she met in writing letters, (the forerunner of internet dating). She realized she wasn't fulfilled in her marriage and wanted more so she got a divorce from my dad. I don't know if your mom is single or married but its entirely possible she sees something she feels she missed out on or didn't know enough to make better choices back then and may want to do it over. You didn't say what she's doing that has you feeling she's jealous. If its simply saying his age is okay and its fine to date him, and changing her mind a month later, it might not be due to jealousy if thats the only thing you are basing this assumption on. You did say it isn't just this relationship but past ones that she gets jealous over. If so, I must trust you are seeing something that is for real, that she is jealous and what she does not have, she doesn't want you to have either.
I am guessing you're still living at home. If not, stop telling her about your affairs and make your own decisions, as she won't know if you're not there.
Her house is her own territory and she does get to choose the house rules no matter how old you get. So if you must live with her, if she doesn't want you bringing any guy over to visit, then you must go by her rules, no matter how unreasonable. However, just because you live with her, she has no right to choose whom you date or not as well as any other decisions for your own life. You will need to date a guy of your choice away from home. I know its tough to afford to have ones own place and I don't know if you are going to college but it might be a good idea to find yourself a couple roommates and rent an apartment together, if you have any of your own income. If you know ahead of time that she will get angry and into a yelling match, then as much as you;d like to be the good daughter and talk to mom, get her opinion and get her input/advice, such as you;re doing here, then obviously its going to be a waste of time.
Just because someone is a parent does not mean they are always right or that they are even mature. Unfortunately, we are stuck with the parents we have and need to learn to make the best of it. Don't know what you mean by aggressive but if she is verbally abusing you, it won't stop, my ex was like that. You need to distance yourself from her, physically. Lots of parents have trouble letting go of their kids once the kids grow up, especially those who put ALL their effort into the kids or the home or hubby and once that is gone, they feel lost, as if their reason for living is gone and they have trouble making that change. It would take a few counseling sessions for any parent really having that trouble and not adjusting on their own. Are you the only child? Are there older siblings who were treated the same way or maybe its that you're the youngest and last to eventually leave someday soon? If you feel I may be missing some important info that could help me with more specific advice, then write me again. Otherwise, you need to know its okay to make your own decisions. Just remember to learn from them and not repeat the same thing if any decisions you make end up being not so good in the long run. I've made such decisions. They all seem good at first. But as long as you learn from them, and avoid doing the same later again, then you have no reason to shy away from becoming the adult you already are by age. Good luck dear.
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