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My husbands girlfriend
So I have been married for 13 years now and my husband and I separated (still living together) I want to work it out we have kids but he announced he has a girlfriend. Obviously I'm crushed. What do I do? My heart is shattered
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Staying together I assume living in separate bedrooms for the sake of the children does nothing to correct the underlying problem. That being why you are not sharing a bed or bedroom. Children are smarter then you think. There are many, many single parent households today. The children would be far better off with only one parent in the house then trying to live with the tension of any forced civility you may be trying to muster.
I would say given recent news that civility is dangerously close to exploding which has put extra tension in the air. Don't fool yourselves the children feel it no matter how hard you try to hide it.
My advice is regardless of whether you wish to try and save your marriage it is better for your children if your husband moves out. Find a lawyer and have a separation agreement drawn up. The agreement protects yours and the children's rights during the separation. Things such as having sufficient funds to pay the mortgage and utilities bills, any car payments. Food and clothing for you and the children. Heath insurance is also a requirement.
The reason for the separation request is simple. He is committing adultery by having a girlfriend. It is assumed he is having sexual relations whether or not he is.
Once you have a separation agreement you serve him with ,make sure to close out the joint checking and savings account first. Leave enough in the checking account to see him till the next pay day and open a checking account in your name at a different bank. Then ask; no tell him to leave then and their. Once he leaves have the locks changed. The separation agreement should have visitation rights with the children spelled out.
With your husband out of the house you can focus on the children and yourself. Do you want to try and save your marriage? If so what has to change? When did the affair start and is this something that you can get over and learn to trust him again? IF you have positive answers to these questions then decide if you want professional help and will your husband go with you. If the answers are no then I would say you should think about a final solution which would be to proceed to divorce.
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If you wanted the separation, then you know what issues you wanted to see improved on to stay together. I don't know if he has given any reason to separate but whatever those issues are, they are important, even if it can't help current situation.
I'll explain in a bit.
If the only reason you want to find a way to save the marriage is because of the kids, I have something to share as I got divorced when my kids except for one were graduated and out of the house on their own. Looking back, I can see that staying together, even tho he was verbally abusive to me, was a disservice to my girls. They grew up seeing their Dad not getting along with me. They saw he disrepect and yell, etc. Now, one daughter will not marry, only have some bf for social reason but will not marry. Another chose a husband, got divorced, married a 2nd and a third time and she's only 31. SHe's had issues too. The youngest is married and the guy is pretty nice, but I still don't think a good choice for her as he does not let her have her say or give her opinion very easily. Its more important that he have his say. So if they are both present, I get to listen to him but not my daughter. Kids need to have the best example they can in the home they are being raised in, of a happy loving adult couple, even if one is not their parent due to divorce. Kids are resilient and really have no problem with parents splitting up after they get over the surprise or shock of it. If your husband is not willing to go see a marriage counselor and want to actually try working to save the marriage, then there is nothing you can do. People all get to have their own will and no one can force them to change it. In fact, that is one of the things that kept me sticking around for 30 years, believing what the church preached about trusting God to save your marriage. One day, God spoke to me in my head, telling me that in order to save my marriage, he would have to take away my husbands free will and force him to change, like re-programing a robot. He will never take away our free will. IF a person doesn't want to believe in him and serve Him, then so be it. Why would He change his stance on free will, just for my marriage, or yours?
I know this all sounds harsh and not what you were hoping for to ease your situation. Right now, this is like a run away train, and you are just going to have to hang in there for the wild but hurtful ride. Of course, you can try to ask him if he is willing to go to marriage counseling but if he doesn't want to, you can't force him. Then, You will need to take time to grieve.
Usually when a married couple separate, it's not very often that they cool off and simply want to get back together without having done anything to address the issues. Usually, in a separation, one or both start seeing someone else and its just a matter of time before they see a lawyer (if they need to save up for that) and make the separation final with a divorce. Perhaps it did not feel like a separation with him still living in the house. Perhaps it is a blow to your self esteem, wondering what he finds wrong in you that he would find another woman so soon.
It takes two to cause domestic difficulties, once you've decided to marry. It takes two also to make a marriage work, and heres a quote I find that makes this make more sense.
"Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both people put in equal amounts of work to make it so." This explained my case perfectly. I was doing all the work and he was not, never had, even from the beginning. So I wasn't the problem in the marriage. I however was part of the problem in that I chose to marry him, not knowing any better at age 20. Felt I was so mature, and truly I was in most all areas except knowledge and experience of peoples characters and how to spot red flags in what a guy says and does when dating you. They were there, but I just did not know them for what they were. I don't know how early you married, but age could possibly be one determining factor, in that both of you did not choose someone that was right for you.
Now I said earlier that its important to know what things caused the marriage to go south. The reason being that you'll want to avoid making the same mistakes the next time around. I know, this sounds awful, my assuming it will end in divorce but I may not get a chance to cover all bases and talk to you again. I'll use myself as an example. The ex ended up having social disorders, unable to love any people more than surface level like loving a certain flavor of icecream, he also is diagnosed with mental illness but was never willing to admit it to psychologist or want to work on it. He always yelled, never supported my wishes or dreams or talents, but cut me down in front of family and friends, never complimented me, never was turned on by me, etc. So when I went searching for my 2nd husband, now having more life experience and knowledge of what I wanted to avoid in the next guy, I made a strict list of criteria a guy had to pass. On my list: a man who never raises his voice to me, does not have an anger problem, is turned on by me, compliments me, supports and upholds everything that is important to me. An example of that is that he has never gotten into decorating for Holidays. He told me as long as I don't expect him to get excited about even celebrating holidays, all will be well. So I never forced him. As the years went on, he wants to please me more and more so he upholds my interest in decorating by bringing home little things, Halloween colored lights, Fake skeleton of an animal and a solar dancing scarecrow. IN fact, even though we can't afford big displays, he came to get me after a purchase at the hardware store, while I waited in the car and asked me to come in for fun to view all the fancy Halloween displays. I never would have had that with the ex. He told me that I nickel and dime our budget to death when I bought 2nd hand clothes for the kids new school year but routinely spent an average of $200 a month on Starbucks coffees and bought an average of another $100. a month in books that he never read, but kept buying them. SO he could spend it all, but I could not. The ex also wanted me to make meals for a family of 5 on only $250. a month. Of course, thats insane, but he felt I was unreasonable. My current husband is a fair man and loves to wait on me hand and foot, always asking if there is anything I need or want. Best of all, he can just take a look at me, even when I am not dolled up or looking my best, (he's able to look past that) and I see his eyes darken with desire for me. I am turning 59 soon and he still finds me sexy and desireable. Never had that with the ex.
You may just have to chalk your situation up to experience. And rely on what you've learned to make a better choice, one where the kids are going to see you happy with a husband who adores you and never has eyes for any other woman. That is what children need. They watch and copy their parents from the moment they are born. What they witness, they will beleive to be okay and not look for anything better when their time comes to start dating. SO sorry hon, but hopefully, what I have shared, might give you a little hope, even if the husband is determined to divorce.
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