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Boyfriend was insensitive, doesn't have faith in my diet...
Lately my BF of 4 years and I have been fighting a lot, my guess is due to built up resentment and stress. I finally got tired of the passive aggression between us and asked to sit down and chat. It was going great and we were almost done hashing things out until we got to one last thing...
After high school I weighed 220 lbs and thought that was a lot. I managed to lose 50 lbs and looked really great, but I was suicidal with clinical depression, and sort of thought that if I lost weight I would like myself/life in general, but it didn't work. They put me in therapy and on anti-depressants. The meds helped a ton emotionally, but made me gain weight like crazy. Over a couple years I went from 170-290 lbs. I've tried many times to lose weight but it is 10 times more difficult on this medication.
Anyhow, all that to say it's been a long journey but I finally feel in a really good place to diet, like I want to do it for my well being. For looks but mostly health, and I'm actually doing really well this time. The problem is, my BF is the opposite of me when it comes to emotions. I am very sensitive, and for him it can be hard to feel emotions sometimes. He hasn't been very good at showing me he is proud of me with my diet success, and hasn't been the most helpful. It can feel like I'm alone in the dieting, when he's the one who would sometimes pressure me into it. He wants me to be healthy for me, him, and for our future kids someday.
He was at a loss at how he could show his support, and I said he could do anything- come home and be like "wow it's been 2 months! Let's watch your favorite movie tonight <3", and other stuff like that. He said it's also hard because he doesn't have faith in the diet, that we've been here many times in the past...... This instantly salted me. I started yelling at him, "How long have you lasted on a diet? 1 or 2 weeks? My average is 3 months. That's pretty fucking good considering my food addiction AND this stupid medication." He tried to back track but kept making things worse.
I'm very upset, my heart is broken. I'm trying really hard- I've lost 10 lbs so far, and my BF can't encourage me for some reason. Now we're back to the passiveness because my feelings are hurt and he's annoyed by that.
Am I right to be really upset about this? I can't just get over it- what he said was hurtful and he doesn't want to deal with it. But lately he doesn't want to apologize for anything, he just goes off and sulks until we both get over the fight.
Do I respect my feelings and not back down until he sincerely apologizes? Or should we move on for the sake of getting along, even though my heart feels crushed?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Do not rely on your boyfriend for all of your emotional needs. Do you have any girlfriends/friends you can talk to about your diet/issues? You mentioned after 4 yrs you guys fight a lot due to resentment and built up stress. Maybe you should consider taking a break from the boyfriend and figuring out the diet on your own and just getting back to being who you used to be for a few months or even less.
We sometimes want to prove to our partner that we are capable again of making better choices and not re living our past mistakes/failures. Follow your heart and intuition and FOCUS ON FIXING YOU AND NOT PLEASING THE BOYFRIEND... Once you work on you and your weight goals you can then start to feel better about yourself and revisit your relationship.
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Right at the beginning you stated "my guess is due to built up resentment and stress." to explain the increase in fighting. I am wondering who is feeling more of the resentment or stress you or him or whether its equal for both of you.
Let's be real, a good majority of males are raised to be tough, not cry (which is showing emotions) and its high time things change but that belief is still in abundance and that is still how males are raised. It is a learned behavior. However, as far as tendency of personal traits between men and women, women have fewer issues in communicating, in being nurturing and supportive. Men really are often at a loss of words or even ideas when it comes to supporting their female. More often than not, the words come out wrong and can sound very hurtful and not supportive at all, or more like they don't really care. I don't believe that is always what is really happening.
This is going to be a bit long as I have a lot the share in hopes that something I say is meaningful to you and helps.
I know you are honestly trying to improve your situation, and it is so important to you that you may react instantly if not getting angry or resentful. Here's how I have learned over my lifetime to take it when peoples words meant to share their thoughts or communicate come out sounding more like an insult. I do not get angry. I usually giggle and say, "Did I hear right, that you just said xxxxxxxxxxx, and do you know what it sounds like to me? It sounded like xxxxxxxx. Then I usually laugh and say, You're lucky I am not a person to jump to conclusions. I know who you are as a person and I know you didn't really mean to make it sound insulting, so what were you actually trying to say? When I do this, I find men are more apt to not become nervous or stressed but look chagrined and apologize and correct what they said. You've known him 4 years now. That should be long enough to know what he is like, to be able to read his heart and know whether he truly meant to purposely hurt you, or if it was one of those silly human errors.
I hate to bring up anything religious but I must state that I was taught the God is a good example in this. When ever we do something that someone else could point a finger at and state, oh that was a terrible sin... God doesn't look at what was committed and declare it bad. He looks at the intent of a person's heart. In their heart, were they intending to hurt your feelings, or, just a bit of psychopath in them that gets perverse joy from making everyone else hurt? It's a persons intent that is more important with God. If we want to become more like Him, then we need to try to do the same. What is his intent? If he is really a bad guy deep down inside, I don't think you'd still be with him. However, you do know from observation that he is not like you in this one area, emotions or ability to show them. Is that what is really going on? That would mean, that when he shared his words, without changing his thoughts on the matter of diets, would you have been happier if he starting crying and whimpered, I am so worried it just might not work because everything else so far hasn't. I really hope it does this time.
That is exactly the words I heard him saying. I just translated it in my mind, taking away the thought of 'it's not emotional enough, not supportive enough, etc"
I really believe he did not mean to hurt you. He is hurting too, especially if he really loves you. He is disappointed not in you but the lack of any good help out there, like better meds that don't create weight gain, and better diets and actually really help folks in your position. I am sure that he was needing encouragement at that moment as much as you were. But i could be wrong. However, I don't choose to entertain that thought in my own life, choosing to not be suspicious and thinking the worst possible thing of someones actions. I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt, I choose to wait until I have truly asked and given a person chance to explain themselves. I can understand why you reacted and started yelling at him. This issue affects both of you in different ways. A couple who loves each other need to be of the same mind in any big issues that affect them. However, the method and carrying out of how the two are of the same mind is not going to necessarily be done in exactly the same way.
For the next example, I will share from my life that my first marriage was verbally abusive. I know the difference from an outright verbal attack to just a male fumbling with the right words. The man I have now as husband is supportive. But every once in a while the words come out wrong and when I point out what they could be taken as he will laugh too because he knows he isn't under attack from me for what he said. Then he will correct his words. And mind you...this is a man who believes a males purpose in life is to be supportive of women.
You may never get an apology from him if he truly can't see what he did wrong. To be yelled at instantly for something he said, which when he goes introspective and looks at his own intent in his heart and he never meant any malice or hurtful words, I know I wouldn't feel like apologizing, and neither would you if you know your heart was in the right place and just the words were wrong.
My guess is that your boyfriend is burying a heck of a lot of emotions on this, stress, sadness, anger, disappointment and not directed at you dear but the situation as I've stated before, lack of options that work great the first time.
I am not trying to pick on hon. I know if I were in your situation, I'd probably feel the same. I had my bad situation in the past and when stuck there, it's really hard to see any possible ways to do anything differently myself. But I challenge you to have a talk and if you feel prompted, to apologize for snapping at him and let him know that you are as frustrated as he must be. Don't criticize what he says, just ask how he is feeling. If he believes nothing else will help diet wise, just say I understand. But if inventors in the history of the world gave up after so many failures right before the time their invention worked, we may have had to wait longer for things like the telephone, light bulbs, cars and other things to come into existence. Let him know that you do not want to ever give up hope that the next one does work.
If he still can't seem to get out supportive words or actions, give him very very extremely specific actions (not ideas) but spell out something like, if I lose another 10 lbs, at the point I can get on the scale and prove that to you, I'd like to celebrate with you and I going out to .... and doing ...... Some guys can be creative and come up with ideas on their own but the great majority can't or accidently do so every once in a while. An example is that my ex only ever got 2 different gifts for me that were perfect that I won't forget the rest of my life. My current husband doesn't get gifts often but he nails it everytime, its something I like. Maybe I like a different color better or slightly different design but he is showing me that he cares.
I hope you understand what I am getting at. I tried to change who I was personality wise and looks and everything for my ex. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I learned through getting older, and life experience that he and I were never a good match. We were too different and what I needed or he needed was vastly different from who each of us really were and there was nothing wrong with who I was, just that I had a guy too different from me.
I could go further into explaining that but all you need is encouragement that all your fighting is likely not necessary and that there are other ways to have a peaceful loving relationship, as long as he truly is right for you in all other areas. The only issue would be if you rate this issue of him not knowing the right words to say, or not being more emotional as a trait in a man that you can NOT live without, then you dear, are with the wrong man. I would not jump to conclusions. Only you can know who is right for you. If in the end, after much talking, and if you find you can not live without better supportiveness, then you may want to ask me for a document I have on understanding what your needs are and based on that, having a list of criteria of what the right man for you would be. This doesnt guarantee there won't be dissagreements occasionally, but as perfect as humans can be. So if you need to give more info, that we were lacking about what he said and did, anything that could change what we all advise, then I invite you to write me with any other specific questions on this situation of yours, or you can ask for my document on 'How to find Mr. Right'. Its not something I came up with after my divorce. I was ready to stay single. But God gave me hope giving me this info. I put it off a while, but when I acted on it, I finally found my 2nd husband.
I wish you the best dear.
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I know how antidepressants cause you to gain weight. I've been depressed twice and I will be on them for the rest of my life at a low dosage to help me from back sliding. Weight control is a problem for people like us.
As to emotions and support they are two different things. You say he has a hard time showing his emotions. A lot of guys do because they feeling showing there emotions or being emotional is a feminine thing. Support is something else. Support is more in the realm of something like this; "You know hun the last time you wore that dress it was really tight on you." "Now it is really looking good on you." "People are going to notice and ask what's different about you." Something to that effect. You can call it emotional support but it is not emotions.
Showing his emotions is for some guy being hard to say I love you or to say I feel your pain. Guys are suppose to be tough, never cry defender of their women and children. It is old school in this day and age though some male children are still raised in that manner.
I understand why your hurt but I can also understand why he said what he said for you said it yourself. He could have been kinder in how he said it and it may have been said in the heat of the moment and it just came out wrong. If that what this is all about my suggestion is don't wait for an apology. You go to him and say to him that he hit a raw nerve with you, which you think he did. Lets put this behind us and to a point your right I have dieted and failed. will you help me stay on my diet give me the support I need to have the will power I need to stay on the diet.
If he asks what that is you can ask for him to have his big meal at noon while at work and eat the same diet meal you have when your together for dinner. Having the diet meal with you is better for him anyway as it is not a good idea to have a big meal then sit on the sofa and become a couch potato until bed time.
This I think he could do for you if you ask.
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