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Hello,
please help me with this question I'm about to ask as I'm very much trying to understand his behaviour. he told me yesterday that, 'if I was not with my girlfriend I would have stolen you from your boyfriend' (actually said few times already here and there but never with word stolen) I said well, only if you were single and I was single, then he looked at me for few seconds and said 'yeah' in a questioning tone, I said 'yes' he just smiled and kept looking at me. we do kid around heaps with a flirty remarks. met at the university. became good mates. he knows that we both are into sports so he was offering me to take me to football last week about 1 hour away distance but he didn't have a space in his car with his other mates but promised me definitely next time for sure with free entrance as he's got some friend there, yet I insisted to pay but he says, 'no' you don't have to as you come with me (as this is next time we're on about). please, could I have some suggestions? is he trying to make it clear that he likes me? I feel like he does but he laughs a lot afterwards so it's juts so hard. thanks
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Examine what he said closely about stealing you away from your boyfriend. At first glance, it sounds like the flirty remark meant to make you feel good about yourself. You were the only one who used reason and said only if you both were single which you are not. There's single and then again there's another kind of single. Single as in not married or divorced, single as in dating and having made a commitment to your partner that they are the only one and you will not see anyone else, or there is single without wanting to commit to one person and dating several people at the same time.
If a guy meant to date another while committed to someone else, then he is considering and blatantly inviting you to be the other woman whom he cheats with, or if he has not made a commitment to the other girl and feels free to date whomever he likes, then the only thing holding him back would not be knowing whether you made a commitment to your boyfriend. But then, would you really enjoy being with him if he doesn't make commitments and you never know if you can be tossed out like the garbage any one of these days?
He has no business saying such a thing. the fact that he has done so repeatedly tells me he isn't saying it just once cus he thinks its a good way to flirt, but because he really does like you. Then why the heck is he still dating the other girl? If he's so hot about you, why hasn't he made the first move...based on what you replied...and become single again to prove that he is really serious. He may like you yes, but like his girlfriend equallly. He only mentioned stealing you away but he did not volunteer to dump his current girlfriend. Does he consider himself above the rules of good manners? As in, whats good for me, is not good for you or more to the point, I can steal you from your bf and end up juggling 2 girlfriends at the same time but don't you dare even hint at stealing him away from his gf and choosing to keep both him and your current bf. He would come unglued. Its okay in the minds of many males for guys to mess around and not be honest or totally committed to their gf. But the other way around will not be tolerated by a guy.
Either you decide to continue to listen to him flirt about having you but not getting rid of his gf or if you don't like it that he is not totally available, then ask him to stop and not mention it again. You might, if interested in exchanging him for your current bf, to make a show of sincerity by him becoming single again. If he says he is single but still seeing her, then you can talk about commitment phobia, like having one fish in the fry pan while having another on the hook.
I dont know the guy so his laughing could be like punctuation to his speech, the ending to each sentence but you only notice when he's flirty, so it doesnt mean anything. Some people laugh to cover up feeling uncomfortable. If he were really on the level with good intentions, what would he have to feel uncomfortable about? And some people laugh when something is funny to them. So maybe this is all a big joke to him.
If it were me and a guy friend said this repeatedly already. I'd have wanted to look past his words and laughing and get to what he really was thinking or get him to stop. So I most likely would say "Enough already with the taking me from my boyfriend comment. It's getting quite tiring hearing you say this when you obviously don't have the balls to go after what you want and make the necessary changes to be able to do so. If you become single in the future, then instead of the bravado of meaningless flirting, have an honest heart to heart with me and let me know that you are still searching for the ONE woman with whom you stay til you're old and gray, and you truly want to have a chance to spend more time with me to know if I'm the one.
If you get along as friends and he is not just a male acquaintance but more, then you both know you already get along as best friends which is important in a couple relationship. Equally important is whether beyond visual attraction there is truly sexual chemistry. This is the only part you both do not yet know. Its not worth losing a perfect current bf/gf to find out if you could make a good sexual match. There will always be plenty of people in the world who can be just your perfect sexual match or only the perfect best friend. But its much harder to find someone who is both. Relationships without both will not last long or be very rocky for as long as you push for staying together. Inviting you to a game if he has a gf makes me wonder if she knows he is taking a female friend to a game. That is not so innocent as it may look. I would turn it down unless I could call the gf myself, mention that I am just a female friend who likes sports and he has invited me to go to a ball game as he has an 'In" as far as seating goes. I would ask if she is okay with that. If not, I would turn him down. If a guy knows his gf can be very jealous, then he shouldn't be contemplating even having a female friend if the gf is that important to him. There are few females who would not be suspicious or jealous. It's worse if he never mentioned you as being a friend of his so she's unaware of your existance.
I have a good example from my life to drive the point home. After a divorce and having an internet dating profile, I began to meet initially with just the guys who sounded promising. I'd meet at a coffee shop where lots of other people were present. Its the safest way to go. Well, as we went out to our cars afterwards, the guy felt guilty and told me he was married but that their marriage was now a sexless marriage and he was not looking for a woman for total commitment, just as a lover on the side. Knowing something about polyamory, I told him okay well if your wife doesn't know about me or give her okay for the arrangement, then it's considered cheating in my book and I will not help anyone to cheat on their partner. So all you have to do is introduce me. I told him of couple I knew where the husband was ill enough at a young enough age that he wanted his very sexual wife to still have her needs met and all he wanted was to know who the guys who were her lovers to be sure they were of good character and that she'd be safe with them. I actually know of 3 or 4 couples like that, some roles reversed with the wife instead of husband too ill.
This man looked horrified and said, Oh no I could never tell her, she would not be okay with that. Besides I love her as my best friend. being friends and sexual equals are both important in a relationship, but when a man isn't getting the sexual part, he either must do the for better or worse and stick with the worse and do without. Or if he's so unhappy he can't function, and he no longer has feelings for her, then he needs to divorce and find someone else. This man gave himself away when he said he loved her too much to divorce her but he still had his needs. I don't care if another woman wants to and is okay with being the lover on the side but I am not. So that ended that. Another met me and after coffee shop, came along to sit on the porch swing and keep talking. I really liked him from the first meet up. At the end, I guess he got cold feet. I call the rules and don't cave in to what is important to me and settle for less. If a guy is okay with it great, if not, Im gone. This one started saying that I might not see him for a while because of work and he was also remodeling his house and it was a mess. Most his time was going to completing the renovation. I told him, oh thats no problem, invite me over and I'll help. I told him that I helped a previous boyfriend build bookshelves from scratch. I helped to measure cut lines and helped hold boards still as he sawed with the machine. I also helped hammering, and painting with varnish. He looked extremely panicked now. He gave what he thought was a good excuse to back out. I think he saw how well we both did around each other in just the first meeting and he probably had wife and kids at home and therefore, the renovation deal was just a cover story to distract me. Since I Accidently did not take his excuse at face value and kept pushing several times for him to have me come help, he panicked so badly that the next day when I went to bring up his profile to write him a message that I enjoyed meeting him, the profile had been taken off and we had not traded phone numbers. this guy had thought he could cheat on the wife but when it came to final decision, he knew that he could never get away with it. He realized he couldn't agree to only meet me at my place or in motels. He sensed that I would be instantly suspicious if he kept evading having me over...I was no youngling anymore but a woman closer to fifty at that point.
So if you really want to have some fun, try pinning him down like that, offering to ask his girlfriend yourself if she doesnt mind if he takes you as his friend , to the next football game. Pull out your cell and ask him for her number. He has not had a chance to ask a sister or some other female to take your call and pretend to be the girlfriend when he gives you a number. So his goose is cooked if he gives you the real bf number and also if he doesn't because he knows that will make you suspicious. Its up to you, but putting him on the spot with some well thought out scenerios ahead of time may be helpful in getting him to cool his heels, or make a decision, become single and ask you out. Too many people are afraid of being alone and single so they feel they have to be dating someone or they will feel unimportant or sad or look odd to their peers. HOwever, if a person continues to keep a tight grip on the one they are with for purposes other than learning whether you like them enough or not and then breaking up or making a commitment, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. You make yourself unavailable to anyone else you should meet whom you like even better than the person you are with.
Its like me saying "Ah, well my hubby is a good provider but too busy for me so I feel neglected and he buys me gifts but doesn't want to spend quality time with me or having long deep conversations with me which I crave more than gifts, plus he has a hair trigger temper that goes off often. Staying with a guy like that, I have more than one thing there I have issues with. If I was unhappy about them that much, why have I chosen to stay and settle for less. Could it be I figure that I can't and won't find anything better? Thats a big one out there, that there is no one better. I did have a bad first marriage but the reasons I left were verbal and emotional abuse. He didn't want to divorce, so I had to plan with friends, to just leave him and go stay with them which meant quitting my job and moving out of state to stay with them while I tried to get my life stable again without him. The husband used to be a counselor and was able to help me with the counseling I badly needed. The key here is that instead of dating guys while married to fill in the needs I had, the mistreatment I suffered, I chose to end it and stop settling for less. I also prayed and heard God tell me to make a list of criteria for what I need in a man, not want but Need, meaning if not present in the man, then it was a deal breaker and he was out. To make the list, you have to be able to write down all your qualities and experiences in life that now require special needs, all valid to just you, like a resume for a job to get hired. Instead you use your own needs to create a list of what you're looking for so you can recognize it when you come across it. I had such a list and had just about given up finding a guy who would match it when my 2nd husband now, wrote to me and we met and he meets all my needs. I had a list of wants which is nice but not necessary, like long hair which he has, but someone who loves to go dancing which he does not. It's something I can live without because I got the more critical things the needs I had to have. After verbal abuse with the first, I knew I had to have a man who did not lose his temper, did not yell at me or insult or call me names or try to belittle me in front of others, make me do all the work around home without lifting a finger, etc.... This one is the total opposite of my ex and I am happy. Perhaps its time you make such a list. If you need more specifics, I have a document about this and how to go a bout it. Just write me from my column and ask me for the "finding Mr Right" document and I will paste it in for you. You need to know for sure just how right the current bf is for you. If he doesn't fulfill your basic needs list, then why would you stay if you already know for sure he is not the one to be in love with you til the day he dies. This means you initiate the breakup. This also means that you may be breaking it off with a lot of really nice guys. That is not good enough that they be nice. A person can be nice but still wrong for you. Good example: A female who needs to converse and wants to with him but he is a man of little conversation. ONe can make that work for a short time but after a while, you will resent that he does not seem willing to communicate at a level you require, and he will resent you for pushing him to be more verbal. Neither trait is wrong or bad but just a bad mismatch and can lead to a relationship slowly falling apart. So decide if you need to figure out what you know about the current players, the bf and the male friend. Be ready and okay to let both go if neither can fulfill the criteria on your list. Too many people go without a list in life and their dating strategy is way too random. Thats like tring to hunt for a needle in a haystack when you don't even know what it is that you are hunting for in the haystack, and therefore you will never find it unless purely by accident. Do you want a plan and purpose to your dating or do you want to date guys just by accident? It's up to you dear.
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