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Nonexistent Love Life
21/F
Hello, I have been getting worried because everyone I has gone through at leaat SOME kind of relationship, but at my age I haven't even gotten my "first kiss". At first I was just avoiding amy relationship whatsoever because I wanted to focus on college and I knew a lot of family members who had left college because of that, which scared me. But recently I've been thinking about it a lot since I'm almost done with my Bachelor' Degree, but the few guys that have shown any interest... I just don't see them that way. The very first guy who straight out asked me out on a date was one from a class I took last fall, but I turned him down (gently, I'm not a monster) because first, I didn't see him that way, and secondly, I actually found him a little annoying friend-wise (not saying I disliked him, he was a good person, there were just things about him I wasn't good at tolerating). There's this guy I met last summer (in class as well) who has been trying to get me to go out with him, though I'm not sure if its just hanging out or actually asking me out on dates - he would usually ask me when I wasn't available for whatever reason though so we could never match up our schedule. I didn't like him like that either though. There's this guy this semester who has been following me around and texting me a lot who I suspected might have liked me but wasn't sure. He's younger by like two years though and can be a little immature so that's a no-no for me as well.
My point here is, that I think the problem may be with me. That I'm too critical of guys and I can never approach a guy I actually like because I get shy. I'm not that much of a social person either, so I'm just afraid I will never get to experience a relationship. Just a few days ago I was giving myself a little peptalk about how I needed to get used to the idea of never having a relationship - and I actually started considering becoming a Buddhist nun, but I don't like some of their principles so that's probably a no-no.
My self-esteem as a woman is really low, and I've come to the point where I think I'm just not attractive to others. Not to mention I'm a little confused rigt now because I've noticed I started liking girls as well as guys and I'm trying to figure out if I actually would see myself with a girl or not. My family is really judgemental of homosexuality, so if it turned out I actually feel attracted to my own sex as well (I still find myself attracted to guys) that would be really hard for me.
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Hi Hon, I will respond to all you've written in order as we come across it. I never had relationships in HS (i didn't go to college) for the same reason, to focus on studies. I had three daughters who I gave a choice but told them to think twice about starting dating in HS. They all chose to wait until they graduated before dating. So all of us didn't have kisses until we were 20 or a bit older. I was just at a 40th reunion. And talking to the women who dated in school, had sex many times before reaching 21. Many had a kid when they were a teen and raised theirself until later in life meeting a guy. Others, like myself who married early, were no longer married to the first guy they fell for, a lot of us were in 2nd marriages and I came across 2 in the 70 people attending who had never married, dated some but never long term. It is all ok. Don't worry about your age because most of us did not make good choices in a dating partner or marriage partner back then. Theres a good reason, the decision making part of brain isn't fully done forming until you hit the mid twenties. So those who wait until at least 25 before committing to a bf/gf relationship, are more likely to choose a better partner and not have to go the route of divorce.
You were doing the right thing to turn down the guy you did not feel any romantic connection to. When we date, it is important to make sure both the sexual attraction and the best friend aspect is there. If one of the two is great like the sex but not being treated as a best friend, then this is not the perfect match. This is not a matter of being picky but being very smart and equipped to make the best choice later.
About men: Keep in mind now that a male will not go out of his way to ask out a girl or follow her around if he does not find her sexy , attractive. You would not either because if the person you are not attracted to assumed you really were crazy about them and they had kept hidden feelings for you, you'd find yourself with an unwanted suitor all the time. I also like that you were looking for maturity. It sounds like you are not the type to date just socially for fun and companionship but that you want to date for the other reason, to find the man who will make a good husband and great father some day and fall in love. That also is not being picky but again very smart. The thing will be finding a man who is also thinking ahead about finding his true love and marrying her some day.
Feeling shy about approaching a guy, especially if you are not shy with people in general, means that subconsciously you are likely too concerning about making a bad impression and losing a chance with the guy you are attracted to so you get really nervous and maybe even scared, tongue tied, sweaty palmed, etc. This is a normal reaction dear. When it really counts, many of us would not face our fears, even if its about a possible relationship. When I met my 2nd husband 8 years ago (we met on a dating site) I immediately thought he sounded so high IQ and intelligent that I was going to be too boring to him. Instead of worrying about that, that is one of the first thing I said to him. Yes, I confessed my fears. When I did the fear disappeared. His response though was something I would never have heard if I hadn't been brave and revealed a fear I had. That shows you actually are brave and have guts to do so. He said that tho I may not have college degrees, I had something many people do not have, true wisdom. Because head knowledge learned from books just can't stand next to those who have learned from life experiences. So when you meet a guy you are attracted to, get a chance to catch him alone and go up to him and open your mouth and let him know he caught your attention but you were too afraid of talking to him, thinking you'd be tongue tied or do something stupid. Once you get the truth out, it can't sit there in your mind, taunting you and making you even more miserable. Consider it a challenge when that shy inner voice says, you're too short for him, or you're just going to mess this up, and go say Hi introduce yourself, ask his name if you don't know it, and then confess so you can get that heavy oppressing fear out and once out, it will be gone. Any new fears, treat the same. If you are not so social because it is due to your personality type, then you'll likely want to look for guys who are also less social, and more quiet and enjoy being at home rather than in crowds.
Forget the pep talks, all it will do is frustrate you because is it didn't, you wouldn't be writing in to us now about being single, would you? If you are going to say anything to yourself at all, say encouraging things, like you can do it. You have a brand and type of attractiveness and sexy that may not attract 100% of men but it will attract enough for me to still have plenty of choices to choose from.
Lack of Self Esteem is often due to a combo of comparing yourself to other women, then dwelling on negative or distorted thoughts you generate about yourself. Even if someone tells you that you are attractive or like your outfit or your laugh, you don't believe it. Overthinking it all can come into play, wondering if someones not being honest and just trying to be nice to make you feel better.
I did the following to gain self confidence which naturally took care of my lack of self esteem. Its based on an article in a woman's magazine I read long ago. I tried this and it worked. If you do not have self confidence or esteem, borrow it from a female celebrity. Obviously we aren't going to look like any one actress in whole body entirety. Just focus on what you see as your best attractive trait, and for me it was my eyes. Maybe for you, you will find the sound of your laugh, your lips, your hair or just the hips, or the boobs to be very nice, then use that one thing. Find an actress or other celeb who comes close to having the same quality as your one attribute. I chose an actress whose eyes I always admired. Not exactly looking like mine but very expressive as mine. Once you have chosen a celeb, you are going to borrow their self confidence to help jump start your own. So every time I left my house, and went anywhere in public, I would imagine that I looked exactly like that actress and garnered the admiring looks that she would while I walked everywhere feeling confident like her as a celebrity most likely is. You have to keep focusing on that thought several times a day, reminding yourself that you look like and are confident like ....(celeb of your choice) Then suddenly, everywhere I went, not just men but women also, even strangers would stop me and blurt out that I had the prettiest eyes they'd ever seen, or the most beautiful, most gorgeous, whatever positive adjective can be used. At first I was stunned to be getting this attention especially since most the time I wasn't even wearing my makeup. Just plain untouched eyes. Then after a while, I started to enjoy and look forward to the next compliment and finally, I realized at the end that I was no longer using the actress and pretending to be like her and that I was doing it all on my own. I suggest you try that, but really apply yourself to it for it to have a chance to work. Why does it work? People who complimented me, were not seeing something as much as they were feeling something. They were picking up on how I felt about myself, even though they did not know I had borrowed self confidence from a celeb. Its like a radio signal that people can pick up loud and clear.
Don't feel confused about liking girls. It all depends on accepting yourself and that there is nothing wrong no matter at what level you have interest. I love to look at the beauty of other women, I can be quite fascinated, just like viewing a breath taking scenic vista. But at the same time, I do not feel sexually attracted. That's one type of interest, and the other is feeling sexually attracted, that's not the same as recognizing her as a sexy person, but actually being turned on by thoughts of women. Then again, for some, its simply only in thought life that works for them, something about the different naughty or forbidden feeling to it if you feel that way that makes it so sexually exciting. I know of women who called themselves bi curious and once they tried sex with females, they realized they like everything about women except actually having sex personally with them. No matter where you fall, its all normal. In fact thru a bi neighbor, I met some of her friends, all bi and learned that all were married or had a boyfriend and while they liked men, or the only male they'd ever been attracted to was their husband, that they also liked any and all kinds of females. The husbands who learned of this were very supportive as they don't feel any jealousy in general when it comes to their wife being with another female. Its a different story if it was a male. Don't try to talk yourself out of it or out of exploring this to see if it holds true for you when actually having sex with a female. But I'll say this, most met and married their husbands long before they mentioned being attracted to females as well as him and curious if it these feelings could translate to a real love relationship with females. If you marry a great guy who is secure in his own sexuality, he shouldn't have a problem if that arises. Right now, since attracted to males, I'd would think it best to concentrate on dating men and leave the issue of women for later if the interest is still there.
You were advised to see a professional for help. You can always try what I have told you and see how it goes for you. The things I told you do really work, and just depends on the individual doing it and whether their own thoughts defeat them over and over even though you try not to. In that case, if you can't get anywhere with what I've shared, I'd go for some counseling. IT doesn't mean you are crazy or a mental patient, it is simply a relational and personal issue that is off track and needs another person a professional, helping your mind to get to personal freedom.
He also advised you try dating sites on line. I did say earlier that's how I met my 2nd husband. By time I had learned the hard way in an abusive relationship and from watching the things that went wrong in friends relationships. So by now I was even pickier, extremely so. In fact I had a list of criteria a man had to be able to meet to write to me. In prayer I got an answer to make a list of what I was looking for in a guy. It wasn't whipped up overnight but over months as I added and subtracted from it until I had a list of things that would be a deal breaker if not present in the guy. Other things that would be nice but I wouldn't mind if I didn't get was for example, getting a guy who wore his hair long. 2nd choice, I didn't like the bald look with the ring of hair as it makes a guy seem older. But a totally shaved head was sexy too, although long hair had first place.
I also would recommend you go to dating sites to find a man. It is a wonderful way to meet someone who does not move in the same circles or go to the same places as you so theres's no chance to meet otherwise. If a guy writes to you, you'll need to determine if he even read your criteria. They can lie in print or on the phone but in person, they can't keep up a false personna any longer than a couple dates to a couple months. I was fooled a few times and went out to get to know better and after a few dates the guy relaxed, felt secure that he had hooked me, I wasn't desperate, but I was more like a CSI investigator, watching and digging to find out if he was as good as he initially seemed. If I as an older adult could be initially fooled, don't worry if it happens to you. As soon as you see something that is destructive behavior to a relationship, let him go. If you choose to try it, the paying sites are way better cus any poor guy looking for a supposedly richer than him, women, will go on free sites, which is what I used but I had some life experience already under my belt. I would be willing to be available to answer any and all questions to help you along if you choose to try internet dating. It is the best way I know to hunt for the needle in the haystack so to speak and eliminate right off the bat those who are not good options. One biggie I'll give right now is that if any guy writes or in person, has first words of how hot or sexy looking you are, You might want to avoid every being alone with them if you decide to give them a chance and date. Alway drive and meet them so you aren't stuck in their car at their wish and whim. Its ok for a guy to notice and compliment that you are pretty or look beautiful. granted, men have to be sexually attracted to a women, attracted to her looks to approach her or write her in the first place. Its a given. So for him to point that out is like Duh, of course you wrote cus you liked my photo or you like how I look. Its in bad taste for a male to start a conversation with a strange women by stating that he finds her extremely sexy and likely lots of fun in bed. Oh yes, I have heard plenty of that. My 2nd husband did not open with that, nor did he say anything other than not to misunderstand and think he didn't find me fair on the eyes but that he looks for those deeper qualities like.... and he went on to explain in very thoughtful insight what is important to him. It was in those words I already knew he would be a very sensual person. I know this was alot, but you did have a lot to address in enough detail to actually help you some if you were willing to try. I'd like to hear back if you do have success or if you'd like to know my opinion on other things related to starting a dating profile online. I learned much of what I wrote the hard way refining what I did by what I learned or experienced.
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You wrote a very interesting and open letter as to who you might be. Before you try to figure out your sexuality, which could be bisexual, I believe you have to fix the self-esteem problem.
Fixing your self-esteem problem is not something you can do sitting in front of a mirror and having a heart to heart with yourself. This requires some professional help. Your school probably offers some counseling service possibly through the psychology department.
What I first suggest is you get some counseling to help raise your self-esteem. Your letter tells me you can be a very open and loving person. Someone who if I was 50 years younger I would like to meet and get to know. Yes I'm old enough to be your grandfather so consider this some grandfatherly advice. There is something, possible an early childhood trauma you no longer remember that is holding you back. Counseling with a good therapist will help find that trauma and help you deal with it rather ten leave it buried. Once dealt with properly you can rebuild your self-esteem.
The second part of the problem you write about is more easily fixed. You and my so are a lot alike in what you look for in a companion or mate. You are both looking for a perfect fit in an off the rack world. My son finally found the love of his life and they will may next year.
You are not alone in that desire. There is a vast sea of people that for various reasons wish to avoid the dating season and more or less special order the type of people they want to meet. This is what the dating site are all about and my son found his future wife.
My son =needed a very special women to marry him as his career is one that when he leaves the house in the morning there is no guarantee he is coming home the next morning. No he is not a cop he is a firefighter/paramedic. My future daughter in law tell this was a no go for her when she read this but there was something about him that made her what to contact him. She said after the first date she fell in love. With the exception of his career he was everything she was looking for. After living with him for a year she has learned to live with that fact.
My recommendation is; start with counseling and when the therapist says your ready pick one or two dating sites like match.com. Fill out the profile page and shop the therapist the page before you file it along with what you are looking for in a match. I ask you to show the profile page to the therapist as we are all way too hard on ourselves so let someone soften it.
There is someone out there for you. You like my son just need to look for him differently than others do. This is not a horrible way to find the love of your life.
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