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Am I lazy and a bad person? D':
20/female.
I have struggled with MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR depression and MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR anxiety for practically my whole life it seems. And when I say MAJOR three times, I mean, I can't even IMAGINE anything worse. Frankly, my anxiety is FAR WORSE than my depression. EVERY single second of EVERY single day I am anxious. There's never been JUST ONE moment where I feel no anxiety. I constantly wish upon death, for example I was turning on the oven for my parents' and I's dinner PRAYING it would blow up JUST ENOUGH for it to kill me, but not hurt the house too much or hurt my parents or my dog at all.
My parents want me on disability because EVERY SINGLE TIME I've tried to work, I had ongoing anxiety attacks that WOULD NOT END UNTIL I left. And BELIEVE ME, I tried my hardest to stay and work so I can help my parents pay their bills (they have a hard time paying bills, because they don't make a lot of money).
My anxiety's far too bad for me to work. I can't even DRIVE, because I have ENDLESS anxiety attacks when I'm behind the wheel. I can't breathe when I'm behind the wheel. I can't even SEE it's so bad!!!! EVEN in the PASSANGER'S seat I'll have anxiety attacks, which is why I'm home practically 98% of the time.
I have a fiance who proposed to me a few months ago. We're going to be living with my parents because I'm too anxious to leave them. They stress FAR TOO MUCH for it to be healthy... my dad's known to heart attacks... and both my parents have high blood pressure terribly. My dad smokes too much and drinks too much. He has diabetes and sometimes gets carried away when he eats sugar and sweets and then his sugar goes up and he starts feeling sick.
I'm honestly terrified of leaving them. I don't want to move out of my parents' house because I'm terrified something bad will happen to them. I LOVE THEM SO FREAKING MUCH AND I CARE ABOUT THEM MORE THAN I CARE ABOUT MYSELF.
I don't want them to die from too much stress or disabetes or heart attacks or so forth. I want to live at home with them so I can care for them and make sure they don't stress too much... that my dad doesn't eat too much sugar (sometimes he can't control himself; he won't listen to my mom, but he'll listen to me)... I'm trying to get my dad to stop smoking so much, because he's had heart attacks from it and I'm scared one day he'll die from it... so I send him random texts telling him how much I need him and how he's my rock... he said it's helping him to stop, but I want to be here to make sure he's stopping for good.
I'm ***NOT*** living off them, I swear. I never ask for anything, unless it's things I need like cheap, simple foods and water... cheap shampoo... cheap toothpaste... sometimes they'll buy me gifts here and there, but I always say that I don't need it. But they buy it anyway and I feel horrible. D': But thank God it's not expensive stuff at all.
I wear clothes that I've had forever, because I can't pay for more and I don't want my parents buying me new clothes. Some of them I've grown out of, so I just wear my dad's shirts a lot which I love because I feel closer to him.
I do all the cleaning at home so my mom doesn't have to stress about it.
I do the yard work, except for the poisonous stuff because my dad says he's scared it'll hurt me.
I brush my mom's hair to make her feel good. I scratch her back. And I do things like taking her trash to the trash can for her. And I tell her she's the most beautiful woman in the world and that I wish I looked more like her everyday.
I tell my dad that he's the smartest man I've ever known and that he dresses nice for work everyday.
I make sure my fiance's happy. I watch his "guy movies" with him all the time and give him massages and make sure he feels like he's the most special and important man out there.
I never get mad at my parents, my fiance or my three friends that i have. I'm super nice to everyone, and i give people compliments wherever I go.
its just my terrifying depression and anxiety keep on telling me that im lazy and a bad person because i LITERALLY cannot work or drive and i cant have children because i cant get off my antidepressants and anxiety meds. if i got pregnant and had children then the meds would give them scary birth defects and stuff. plus anxiety and depression is genetic in my family.; im not going to bring someone into this world if theyre going to go through what i go through.
i just feel meaningless and such a bad person and lazy. i dont want to live off disability, because a lot of people think mentally disabiled people are "just lazy" and "don't want to work". I want to work MORE THAN ANYTHING. I would have LOVED to be a psychiatrist and followed in my psychiatrist's footsteps and helped SO MANY PEOPLE with mental illnesses, but I can't work at all. my anxiety literally won't let me do it.
its not like im going to buy stuff i dont need like get my nails done or dye my hair or buy clothes/shoes/jewelry, etc with the disability check. im not like that. i only wnat it to help my parents with their bills and buy food for us all.
im SO sorry for the long question. its just i hear in my head that Iim lazy and a bad person all the time and that i should just kill myself. im so mentally ill and no pill or treatment or hopsital or therapist has ever helped EVEN IN THE LEAST.
am i a bad and lazy person? :'(
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You have NO idea just how normal you are anxiety disorder and all. If anyone else thinks you are lazy that's their ignorance and not for you to worry about. Furthermore, mental-illness especially bipolar disorder is the number 6 cause in the entire world for permanent disability. Think about it 1 in 50 people internationally have it. The stats are similar to the disorder you have.
There is ZERO shame in going on disability support because the government and your doctor both know that you need to live and that this is a disability you will have your entire life. They're out to protect and advocate for you. By all means if this is available to you take it. You are entitled to it.
Some people think a disability has to be physical but it can also be mental and that again is ignorant. They can't see the internal and what you deal with. Again, it's on them to learn and for you not to worry about.
Living with your parents is NOT a bad thing and actually a safe thing--a good thing. They can watch out for you, know your triggers better than anyone else and can get you help when you need it and make sure you are okay and lack nothing. Do not feel bad if they help you out provided you make a attempt to do some things on your own and have independent interests of your own.
Not being able to work because of mental illness of any type is common and why you would be on disability. I know you want to but if you can't it's not something to be angry at yourself over and believe me reasonable people will understand and your doctor does too.
The inner soundtrack about being an awful person, lazy or whatever else it's saying really isn't your thinking but rather your illness trying to rattle you and act as your own thought.
This is why it's vital right now to go call your psychiatrist and tell him or even show him/her everything you wrote here about how you are constantly feeling. I have a hunch if they adjust your medication levels and make changes based on what you have told us here that in fact your illness may be something you can manage on your own and feel a sense of peace again. They need to know for stuff to get better and definitely have them place you on disability as that's a good idea.
I know with anxiety how crippling it can be or the fear that can exist going places etc but one of the things you can do is go somewhere and time 10 or 15 minutes to do a certain task and then leave as you go to the same places and see over time nobody or nothing will hurt you it will get better. Try going to a movie and watching all of it or to a quiet place like a library.
As far as having a baby goes believe me if you want to become pregnant you can. Doctors know how their patients with an illness like yours can do so and not affect a mother or baby's health in any fashion. They won't be deformed and won't have any mental health issues related to you or at all. Most of these illnesses are not hereditary.
Also, you need to learn through help you are receiving from the doctor that you are not a burden on your family, impact stress or control it and that your father's heart condition or mother's medical issues have ZERO to do with you and would exist regardless and that nobody around you is going to die or abandon you suddenly.
All of this takes work and time but you will get to a point where you can have an enjoyable life even if you never work again due to the stresses etc. You're a good person.
The thing about working is that most psychiatrists put people on disability because of severity of illness and tell them they are entitled to it for life which they are. If a job offer comes up or work does they want clients to know about the stresses and how an illness can make it unbearable and NOT to commit to anything without being 100%. It's difficult to get back on disability if a doctor takes you off to work full-time or part-time. It's better to stay on.
I think either with fiancé or alone that you need to come up with a couple of hobbies and establish a daily routine even if you go for a jog or a coffee and ease the fears of going about daily life. In reality you can and you'll learn this go about your business and know in back of mind that if you run into trouble that people can and will help. If you find something new or exciting to do every day you'll find that it takes precident and not the fear. Hit me up in my inbox anytime you need something.
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No, you are not bad or lazy. So if that's all you want to know, you've got your answer. The question is, do you believe our answers that say so? I used to have bad anxiety. I had strictly social anxiety, no other phobia's or anxieties. And just that one anxiety alone had crippled my life bad enough, enough for me to imagine that if it were any worse, it would have been too easy to be depressed too. So to get to the point, i am familiar with what causes anxieties and that is what psychologists call "distorted thinking". As to what causes distorted thinking, I have not yet found an answer. All I know is that I was born that way because like you, I have memories of it as far back as toddler-hood. As far as I know, it was not inherited. My parents and grandparents didn't have any mental health issues or anxieties. Only one uncle had depression and he died young.
So my beliefs are that if it is clinical depression or any other mental issues, excluding, anxieties or phobias or temporary situational depression, then the best thing is for the individual to receive medication. However, after a couple decades, many Drs. still do not know or offer to people a non medicinal alternative. I did not have to take meds and was cured of my anxiety.
If you could possibly be cured of your anxieties and phobia's, or at least lessen how often you do feel like this, would you be interested? Even if nothing else so far has helped. You have to be desperate for any kind of improvement before you will really give a possible solution a try.
I recommend that you research and study something called CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have read books by a psychologist gone author who has published books to give hope to all those for whom conventional medicine has not helped get rid of it. There are Drs. now who do list they do CBT with their credentials. And they should be covered same as other Psychologists. If you decide it is something you want to try, then switch Drs. if yours does not do that. If yours is trained in that method of working with patients, but hasn't used it on you, then I'd be asking why as most Dr.s trained in CBT will try non medicinal methods first, even on those using prescription meds already. I can't promise it will work for you but CBT, from what the author wrote in his books has worked on the majority of his patients who were on meds that weren't helping. You don't have to stop taking your meds. just add this therapy and see what happens. For more info about the author David D. Burns and his website, you can find it here:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I wish you the best. I think you are a wonderful daughter, have a good situation with being able to live with the parents as they grow older to watch after them and are lucky to have a man who loves you unconditionally, meaning he knows of your depression and anxieties and that doesn't change the fact that he loves you enough to want to marry you. Even if you did not suffer from your issues, your life situation is still a good one, and would be for any young female. I hope you are able to enjoy life as much as possible, whether you attempt to try the CBT or not.
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Hiya! Dr.D here!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are a beautiful person from what I can tell from your writings. You are kind, and think of others, you are selfless my friend. You shouldn't worry your little heart(which is the size of your fist). :-)
Now, sit down and get comfy, relax a bit. Because stressing yourself will only make it worse. If you want, I can give you a few tips to controlling your anxiety and depression. I get nervous when I speak in front of large crowds of people, but I bet you do to. What I do, is I go out with my most professional look, and I give a smile and speak with as much boldness as I have. I try not to focus on the crowd, but I focus on what I am about to say. If you feel that you can't get a job in life because of your flaws. Don't worry about it. Because there are people worse out in the world. But you are a good person. Dont forget it. If you want to work and help your parents with getting money. I say you start your own job. You can become a babysitter and watch kids for money. Or you can do lawn work for people like trimming bushes or raking leaves, mewing lawns and so on. Just put your name out there. And tell the world you are looking for work.
Now for dealing with Depression, there are ways to help you lose some of it. Make a system. by doing things you slowly destroy your depression. I suggest running, biking, swimming, eating healthy, get the healthy amount of sleep, do chores, think about your loved ones and try something new. If you can make a system of things to do everyday, and incorporate some of those things in it, then I promise you, you'll start feeling better. Trust me.
And if you think your alone in being depressed, there are 350 million people suffering depression today. And that number keeps growing. But, you and I are actually part of that number. I suffer depression to. I find life hard, and I lost someone very close to me in the past and it changed me. I had therapy and all this other stuff. But I just want you to know, that your not alone out there. If you need more information about how to deal with your depression and other problems. I am here. consider me your friend. Dont be afraid to message me, I am always willing to talk.
I hope you have a good day. And I hope I helped. Good luck. :-]
-Dr.D
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