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Indecisive
23/f
I started dating this guy that I met at a bar around November 2016 and I really liked him. During the first couple of months though we fought a lot. We fought mostly because the majority of my friends are male, which I understand. He didn't really know me and he didn't know that they were platonic friends of mine. I realized very quickly that he was a jealous kind of guy. We got together as a couple, we broke up, we got back together, etc.
Then in February 2017, he cheated on me with a girl at a bar. We broke up and eventually got back together.
Fast forward to now, May 2017. I moved into his house and as far as I know, he hasn't talked to any girls that he shouldn't be. We still fight about the dumbest stuff though almost everyday. Every time we get into a huge screaming match I sit there and I think, "how is this my life? Is this really the kind of person I want to be with?" because I don't fight with people. Fighting is my least favorite thing to do, especially with someone that I love. He still gets mad at me when I make a decision to hang out with someone, even girl friends. He doesn't trust me and we always get into the fight that if I wanted to go out and do something that that's not the kind of girlfriend that he wants and "we want different things out of life". I love the kid and I love the security that we have financially (which I wouldn't have if it weren't for him).
Onto the real part of my question:
I had a job at a video store a couple of years ago and I worked with this guy that I became friends with. We had hooked up a couple of times the summer before I met my boyfriend and I really, really liked him. I figured our "relationship" was just a series of booty calls and thought this guy was way out of my league and would never pursue a real relationship with me. It kind of hurt so I broke off the physical relationship we had and I got over it when I met my boyfriend. Well, this guy just got ahold of me a few days ago and confessed that he actually likes me and doesn't want to cause problems in my relationship but really just wanted me to know that he had feelings for me. I always thought that he was the kind of person I wanted to be with and that could provide me with a fun, loyal relationship.
So now I'm at a crossroads because I finally realize that I don't have to settle for someone who treats me like garbage because someone good CAN actually like me, even if nothing came out of this guy that I used to like. What do I do? I'm so very much in love with my boyfriend and sometimes I think that I'm happy with him but when we fight it seriously hurts and depresses me. I don't have any freedom to be friends with anyone I used to be close to or do any of the things I used to love doing. I miss having a fun relationship and doing things together instead of just staying home all of the time. I guess I'm scared of losing him but I'm not 100% happy. Is that how relationships are supposed to be? You just work through it? I'm scared of breaking it off, moving out and then regretting it. I'm just so lost I guess.
If this doesn't make any sense, just let me know haha. I know I'm all over the place and it's a pretty long question. Thanks for reading!
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You've got some great advice already. I will only share to tell you of my experiences with ex husband who was very much like this bf of yours. It will confirm the things you've already been told.
I like this line by ammo: " He won't know what is wrong until you tell him, never just assume the other person knows, you will be surprised how dense some men can sometimes be and will not see the most obvious in front of them..."
That is so true. Not saying all guys are dense, and there are not many good examples growing up for men to know how to act and treat others, especially if its a girlfriend or wife.
So in the beginning, I always told him that I did not like something he was doing or saying to me and explaining why I did not like it. If the guy is just uneducated or dense, he will make the effort and get better. What I did not know back then is that he had some beginning mental illness and a disorder affecting his ability to hold ANY relationships with friends, co workers, let alone the woman he said he loved. A person with mental illness or simply mean and choosing to be this way, these types will use a technique called deflecting and when you bring up an issue without raising voice, he will raise his and pick a fight saying that you are the one with the problems and causeing issues for the relationship. So its possible you will experience that. If you do, this is a pretty good sign he will not get any better. A person acting like this, even without mental illness, is going to require some heavy duty counseling to even become a reasonable person to live with. Even once a ex counselor friend told my husband he should go to a Dr. he refused to for a while, and when he did go, it was only after 20+ years of marriage and he didn't think anything was wrong with him and didn't see the need to change, I overheard that from him. But he was going only to hold onto to me and trick me into staying.
All this just to say that in my experience, more often than not, even if the guy does have the ability to change, he won't. I also learned that this isolating of you and controlling who you can and can't see is a way to break you down so you lose all your self confidence and decide that this is normal and settle for it. This is NOT normal. Although only a professional can finally determine after much time with a patient as to whether there is indeed a mental condition and what it is called, I know from the description of yours that it is not normal behavior. Without him feeling repentant and wanting to be better for you, he will go for help to keep you. ALthough in my case, he went without applying himself, just to placate me, thinking I was probably stupid and would still stay with him if He still treated me like crap for the rest of my life but oh yes, he was a good boy for attending counseling apppointments. So you must look for him being repentant and not wanting to lose you and willing to stop the bad stuff and treat you right.
Again, I have seen enough in almost 30 years with him to know what you have in your guy is a controller type. All the girlfriends who were with a guy like this, are still miserable or they eventually left him. Don't expect him to leave, if this is what must happen, a break up for good, you will have to do so. Just so that you know, for most women, they still love the guy who abuses them because in organizations that teach about partner abuse, what he does fits perfectly under the term 'Abuse' and abusers don't get better without treatment. Some with treatment, per our Dr. never get better during the rest of life even with treatment as it can be that slow for some individuals. This to say, you may never see any improvement from him So you'd have to ask yourself if you can handle that. I discovered I had oddball coping mechanisms I had put into place to be able to live with him. When I asked myself if he were the same or worse, could I handle another month of that, sure, but wont like it, then I'd ask myself how about a year more? I reluctantly told myself it would be hard but I've done that so far, when I asked myself if I could stand another 5 years of this, I got really scared and wasn't sure if I could stand that. Then finally, I asked myself if I could stick with him with no improvement and being verbally abused for ten more years or till the end of my life...and that is when I immediately broke down in tears. I knew I could not. But I had to get to the point where I knew I had tried every possible thing to make it work I also had the added decree of my church that divorce isn't an option, trust God to heal your marriage. If you know you've done all you could, then it will be easier to leave him. In my case, My love for him romantically had long run out. I read somewhere that love for ones partner is like a bank saving account. Money doesn't magically appear in your account, you have to put it in first before you can withdraw it as needed. Its the same with relationships. You both need to be adding to the love account, building the amount of love larger, stronger by how wonderful you treat your partner. My experiences led me to create this quote: "Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It only occurs when both partners put in equal effort to make it so." He is not making any love deposits with how he treats you. After the months and years roll by, your love account runs down to zero. And you find you no longer love the guy. A warning here about the stress from the relationship...and this is what got me off my butt and deciding to finally leave even though I knew it was coming some day. The stress can't stay bottled up inside you, it needs somewhere to go, so it will either affect you mentally/emotionally or physically. With the first, you totally lose any self respect or confidence and became something like the dog he kicks around. You look forward to the makeup honeymoon cycle of the bad relationship but it always cycles again back to the tension building phrase and then the part when he becomes abusive again. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical, its just not as visual. I got the stress related things like daily headaches, and some migraines through out the year, got stress related rashes all over body, got stomach ulcers, etc. The only thing not yet covered is cancer or heart attack. Sometimes those conditions are caused by constant stress with no relief. It can take years to add up but I had the headaches and migraines right up front. At one point, in prayer, I finally heard from God that waiting for him to heal my marriage will never happen because that would go against the free will he gave everyone. My husband had a will to change and better the relationship or not, he chose not. God would not force him to treat me right because that would be like programming a robot to do exactly what I want it to. Then God said, you have done everything you can and so it is not wrong for you to leave. You can stay but if you do, you'll be dead in four years from the stress. So its up to you to leave before then or not. That woke me up. I wanted to be around for daughters weddings and to become a grandma, so I left him after trying to have a talk about divorce and him fighting and not willing to go to a lawyer and go thru with it. My survival was more important to me than waiting until I could convince him if ever. So I just left. I never went back to him. And it took him 7 years before he was finally ready to officially divorce. Now looking back, I understand how children growing up witnessing how dad treats mom like sh&t, is probably supposed to be normal and even though you tell them differently when they become adults, they are going to be pretty messed up when it comes to having any normal relationship of their own. So you need to ask yourself if he never changes, are you willing for him to be the dad of your kids? If you already have kids, do you want their view of what a normal relationship is to be skewed by how he represented his half of it?
You already know you don't like this treatment Your love feelings are the only thing holding you still to this relationship. Instead of waiting years for the love to finally run out and it will, you can leave while you still have feelings if you understand what psychology knows about women and men and how they view love and sex. Heres an excerpt from a book by Linda Papadopoulas.
"Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them." If you can understand that what you are feeling is connected to wanting to save the relationship and that sex doesn't save it if the problem is his controlling behavior, then you will find it easier to get over him after you leave him again.
Another important point to know is that abusive men always search for females whom they believe are shy and mousy, and too weak to stand up for themselves, no self confidence, etc.... Sometimes they make a mistake as in my ex going for me. I was just too young and didn't understand it wasn't right. By time I saw the pattern and couldn't convince him to go to couple counseling, I put up with it for sake of children, thinking it better they have a dad or some sort. Wrong, its more damaging as children will try to copy, emulate their parents so it is not good for that reason and the emotional strain upon the children. They will too become stressed or even depressed if life at home is unstable and unhappy. You already left him once, and many more times? But going back to him just after that first break up sent him the wrong message, that he didn't have to improve himself to keep a women and also made him think you were weak and controllable. Going back again several more times made things worse. He is absolutely sure now that all he has to do is play with your emotions and he'll get you back so he can get what ever his pay back is from having you. Usually, people like this have a low self esteem or confidence so they find the one person they feel its easy to mistreat until they feel lower than him/her and that is what makes them feel better about themself without having to change. That is warped thinking but thats why many do it. There may be other reasons but thats one main big one. I think I have covered everything you need to know and I know it doesnt make things look pretty for him. But you have to be sure in your mind before you leave so you can become emotionally ready for the next relationship. The other guy sounds promising. But everyone puts their best foot forward and will also 'act' better than they normally really are just to catch you, and once they believe you are hooked by your 'feelings of love' that you won't ever leave, no matter how he treats you. Before meeting 2nd husband, I met guys from internet dating, only the promising sounding ones. Many know just what to say to sound convincing. However with experience from past marriage and what I learned after studying up on mental illness or destructive behavior for relationships, I was able to spot by the 2nd date with one and 3rd date with the other that they were as bad as my ex so I just said sorry but I really didn't feel any chemistry. Remember this in case any future guy doesn't work out. Don't give them real reason you are cutting it off as you do not know how mean and vengeful they can become. I learned that quickly after telling the one guy the truth and he left several hateful phone messages on my phone. That was scary enough. As someone else said, don't forsake your friends just because your bf feels so threatened by them all.
I know this is long but Hon, you really need to hear all these bits and pieces to help you decide if to break up for good this time.
You said, " Is this really the kind of person I want to be with?" because I don't fight with people. Fighting is my least favorite thing to do"
I am with you, I do not like conflict and fighting and always try to be a peace maker, but not by caving in and letting the other still have their way. I try to compromise. But as I learned early on, you can not compromise with some people. They are just incapable of it for some reason. As to how much fighting is normal for a relationship, I know one video blogger I respect lots who says it should be about a 90 to 10% split up. 90% of time everything is great and only 10% of the time that you actually have issues to work through. Disagreements can't be avoided. My 2nd hubby and I have them come up often enough. But we both take plenty of time to share our viewpoints and why we are vying for our way rather than our partners and we often compromise, but more often find it was lack of info on the part of one of us that had us instantly disagreeing on something. Once we calmly share what bothers us, half the times I go with his point of view, and half the time he agrees with mine. Its so easy when both are unconditionally and totally in love with each other. Treated as I was before is not love, even tho the ex insisted he loved me. When a counselor asked him not if he loved me but was in love with me, he avoided answering he loved me. The counselor ignored his tactics of taking attention off himself and began verbally attacking me. Once he realized he had to answer he finally said, NO, he was never in love with me, he only loved me as the mother of his kids. Well, that explained a lot. We say we love ice-cream or love jet skiing or something, it may be something we can be passionate about, like even reading or gardening. Bu to be in love, is deeper. You'll know it when you finally experience it dear. Ones attention goes from concern for oneself to being more concerned that ones partner is happy, feels loved and secure and is content. However the other person needs to feel the same way and be doing the same for you or it ends up a one way thing without both working to make the relationship work and it is work, it can't be ignored to survive on its own like a weed in the cracks of a sidewalk. So evaluate what you have. How much of the time are you scared, and depressed, etc. is it only the 10 % of the time as suggested or it is closer to the 90%. If it ends up 50-50, then you need to decide if being good to you half the time is enough for you so it won't bother you anymore to be treated like crap the other half of the time. I don't think so. I believe the 90-10 model is a better choice to look for. I was all over the place and long so if you need anything I didn't cover, just write to me from my column and I will share whatever else I can. I do agree that you should not go for another other guy until you have settled things in your mind on the first one. For one thing, we learn things, the good and the bad in each relationship we are in. But in a crucial lesson like this one, if you can't learn and decide for yourself that no matter that you have feelings, you must leave him, then you will keep being tested in life until you do finally learn. Some never do. These are the women who say, "Why do I keep attracting all the losers." There are vibes going out to people, not what you say or do, that humans are subconsciously able to pick up on.
I was tested after leaving my husband. I had to know for sure I had learned my lesson and not cave in for the same reasons. So my first relationship after I left the husband ended up being another abusive guy. I left him early on. Happy I could remain strong and firm in what I allowed myself to be subjected to in life with a partner. Two months exactly after I broke up with him, I met the man who is now my husband and he is nothing at all like my ex. We have that healthy 90-10 balance of good and bad to the relationship. But because we're both in love, the bad isn't all that bad, just challenges we always work out. I hope you get to experience the same. You can't change others behavior but when you realize that you only have real control over what you do, you will realize that only you have the real key to your future happiness or not in relationships.
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Hi. Surprisingly, this is not something new to come across as I see it happen far too often here where I am (in the UK). What I need to say about your current relationship leads into this guy you mentioned who has suddenly shown up again so I will start from your current relationship...
To answer your question, no, this is not (in my opinion) what a relationship should be like. Every relationship has its ups and downs so there will be disagreements and arguments but I think in your case this is a lot more serious than just this. You are unhappy because of the control your boyfriend has over what you can and can't do and this is turn is where everything else stems from such as the arguments every day over unnecessary things - it is because you are lashing out from being treated like you are an object.
In my opinion I have always seen any kind of relationship as a partnership be it boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. We all have our own opinions on things ever a couple who are together in whatever capacity but then it comes down to them to sit down and work through it and come to some kind of middle ground where both are going to be happy with the decision reached. This, is what a relationship should be - an equal partnership. But when one person takes charge and acts like they set down the rules you have to follow, this now becomes less of a partnership and more of a dictatorship. It really angers me when I hear about how someone tells their partner what they can and can't do and run their life for them - they DON'T own you! Marriage or being together as a couple doesn't mean the person becomes your object you can boss around or own. And this is what I am trying to point out to you here. Yes he may be the jealous type and this is something that many suffer with especially if they have had bad experiences in the past with trust but your boyfriend not only has been jealous and keeping you away from your friends but then on top of this also is the one who ends up cheating while worrying the whole time that you would be the one who cheats on him. Maybe hes more paranoid about it now because he thinks you may try get him back, I'm not really sure, but up to this point the person in this relationship who is trustworthy is you - you haven't cheated on him, he has cheated on you.
The first thing to do is talk to him about how you are feeling. You are not happy and this is down to how he has caused you to alienate yourself from your friends. This in my opinion is not healthy, everyone should have their circle of friends who they can hang out with and just go out with. I have never changed what I do with friends just because I got into a relationship, I have always made it clear that my friends both male and female are important to me and I like spending time with them to chat about things and just catch up on what has been going on and I will never ditch my friends for the sake of being with someone. Try talking to your boyfriend and see how things go and explain how you are feeling trapped. Explain what you want and if its something he doesn't like then you both need to come to some kind of agreement on it where you are both happy because doing it his way and only his way is not working for you and is quite simply just unreasonable and unfair. I've had people say how you're under their roof so you need to listen to their rules... if they were your mom or dad then yes, I agree. But they are your partner not your parent so no, that is rubbish!
As for this guy who has come along, I find it funny how he said he didn't want to cause any problems yet still told you something that he knows will do JUST that! That alone makes me question his moral standing but that aside, this is still someone who has just come out the blue and is there at a time when you are feeling vulnerable - this is a bad combination. The last thing you want to do is in a disillusioned state do something you may end up regretting, like dumping your boyfriend who you love for someone who just happen to show up at the right time. This other guy should NOT be the reason you break up with your boyfriend - the last thing you want to do is break up with your boyfriend to be with this other guy only to realise down the line he's a jerk. You will end up kicking yourself for walking out on what might have been a good thing for the wrong reasons. So, deal with the issue of your relationship first and foremost - you said you love him so try salvage it by talking to him and telling him how you feel. He won't know what is wrong until you tell him, never just assume the other person knows, you will be surprised how dense some men can sometimes be and will not see the most obvious in front of them so sit down and have a serious talk with him. Don't turn it into an argument otherwise it will get no where, have a talk about it and about how you feel and how hes making you feel. Tell him how you feel and what you want changing so you can feel more like yourself but explain that you want to reach a middle ground where you both can feel happy so its not all just one sided like it is at the moment.
If nothing changes and you feel you have done your side of things to fix it but nothing then if you decide to leave then after that you can pursue this other guy or any other guy (or woman if you prefer) but this other guy should not be the reason to walk away from what you have. If you need to walk away then it should be because you are not happy. Not all relationships are perfect but you do need to feel like you are a partner and from what you said that is not the impression I get. You sound like someone who is feeling trapped and unless you try resolve this, he will end up loosing you and he will only try to fix things if you make it clear that something is wrong.
Sorry this is so long a reply but I hope it is of some help to you. If you need any more help or more details I can help with please don't hesitate to get in touch. Good luck with whichever way things go but remember, don't be scared to pursue happiness.
I leave you with this quote by T. Brady: "Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled. So the point is, we all have choices, and we make the choice to accept people or situations or to not accept situations."
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Hiya! Dr.D here!
oh that was to long for me! couldn't make it past the half point!
Just kidding! The more information you give, the more we can work with. Thank you :-)
but any who. your dating this man now. Want you all to himself. Doesn't leave much. Hangs around the house. But you aren't happy are you? Only you can say if your happy or not.
This other man sounds charming. Happy, and you know him, you didn't meet him in a bar. Its best you talk to him. See how this other guy feels about you before you do anything drastic. And then if it blossoms leave your current boyfriend. Because he inst the man you want to have kids with in the far future. You want happiness, kindness, respect.
We all make mistakes Mrs. But it doesn't help if you stay with it.
Talk this other guy. And if he loves you, and gives you the happiness and respect you deserve. Leave your boy.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope I helped!
-Dr.D
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