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So many relationship uncertainties
Background: my boyfriend is 23 and I'm 21. We're both finishing our last year of college (he is taking a fifth year because of ROTC and switching majors I will talk about this later). We have been dating for a little under a year and a half.
The problems: started in the last six months. I feel like we've fallen into a rut. I still want so much from him. His time, his attention, cute little surprises/texts, etc., you know the stuff you do in the honey moon phase. Plus our sex life has slowed down a ton even though I am pretty much wanting to have sex all the time. He's the definition of a clueless boyfriend. Part of it is the army. He's been through extensive training over the last five years, more so than a normal ROTC student. Long story. He doesn't talk about emotions well. He's been told it makes him weak. The most sentimental he gets is when we fall asleep he will whisper how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. But that's it. All other times he's stoic as a board.
We don't really go on dates. And we only see each other a few hours a week even though we live 50 yards from each other. But we constantly argue about how I ask too much of him. He says he's exhausted and all he wants to do is play his video games alone sometimes. And I don't blame him. I really don't.Part of the problem is he works nearly 40 hours a week, is a full time student, and is essentially completely cut off from his parents. He pays for all of his school expenses, rent, car insurance, cell phone, and so on. They gave him a loan for an accident a year ago and he's still paying them back. It's very different from me. My parents are incredibly generous and pay for all of my school, rent, phone, car, basically everything he has to work for. And I love that about him. He is so driven and independent and I admire the hell out of him. I try to be understanding. I never pressure him to take me on dates and if we do I pay for half. Or at least offer. I suggest things that don't cost money or I make sure he knows that I've already paid for it. I try to always be supportive of the fact that he gets zero sleep. (Three nights he works until 4 and then has class at 8). I do a lot of his laundry and errands to try to help him out. (I also don't work and only have class two days a week). I try so so hard to understand that work and school are his priority. But sometimes I feel really down about feeling at the bottom of his list. Sometimes I don't even want him to come see me I just want him to say that he wishes he could. He can be so cold. But god I love him so much. I could go on and on about how amazing of a person he is and how empowered and strong he makes me feel but it would make this question unreadable. I guess to sum up the main relationship problem: I constantly want more and he doesn't have it to give.
Also. He's been sad this year. All his friends graduated and I can tell he his depressed. But sometimes he takes it out on me. He can be mean and say hurtful things.Sometimes I feel like I can't do it anymore. I don't feel like I have a boyfriend. Next year we will be long distance which we have done for a summer and did great at.
MY BIGGEST WORRY: I will stay with him and long distance will be fine because most of my current frustrations are that I feel like he doesn't make time for me. But if we stay together what if these problems are still there in 2-5 years? After we live in the same city or his deployment is over. I know there are so many factors that will be different than this year of college. But I haven't been my happiest these past few weeks. I don't want to throw it all away because the future is just so unclear. But what if I invest all of this time only to find out we won't work? But then I think about how much I love him and how much we have already been thought. And I guess I just don't know how to bring this all up with him. Please help.
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18 months together and problems started in last six months. Okay, so for a year something was happening.
Either he had no job for that first 12 months or less classes, which I assume is not the case, or there is another issue.
It is possible he bit off more than he can chew time wise and pushed himself for 12 months when he still had the same schedule. It would mean he didn't have time for you back then either. A person can have problems with lack of sleep and stress.
But the issue here is how he treats you even though those choices for schedule are his and he chose to start a relationship with you as well, so he has no right to ever dump on you or blame you. So saying the hurtful mean things even sometimes is a potential bigger looming issue where he may not make a good partner at all.
As I see it wait a year til he finishes school, and if he had new reasons why he had no timed for you, dump him, he's a douche-bag. If you want him now and can't wait, it may be best to part ways. Date others. And if both of you are free and want to date in the future, then do so.
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I see where you are coming from. Me and my wife are both going to school and work. I work more than her and I am getting a bigger degree than her. It is a hard time for us, but we are getting though it together.
In your situation I do not see any major red flags. It looks like a simple carry on situation. Full time school and full time work is hell but he will be better in the end.
Try to help him in any practicality way you can. Sweet surprise are good but piratical surprise are better. for example, my wife is getting an art degree and had a big project due in a few days. I sat down and helped her for hours each day to get her project done in time. That was better then any roses I could have bought.
IT is easy to get depresses in cold weather but summer is coming.
Just try to help each other till life brightens up
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Well first off, Dating someone affiliated in the armed forces can be tough. They see, witness a lot that depresses and upsets them psychologically. Try to go out and dance, or shopping, try to take selfies. Show your boyfriend how happy you make him being home, and alive. Get a hobby if you get bored, become a homemaker, start making candy apples, or fruit baskets, or greeting cards. Open your own small business. I hope this helps.
Kerrington2016
imboss2016@gmail.com
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