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How can I improve this in myself?
So I will do my best to explain this though I have found it extremely difficult to express how I feel and what i think which I think is a big part of this issue.
So I have a person in my life, who I look up to very much, and also work with, who keeps telling me I need to grow up.
Now, I have trouble explaining this situation well but lets just say that I have feelings for this person, I look up to them, I care about what they think, and I want them to think I am doing a good job. He works with me, and he used to be vey kind and understanding with me, until he wasn't.
I'm writing this because Im not sure if I am in the wrong or what is going on so I would like some perspective.
Basically he says I cause more problems than solutions. And he gets angry now every time I mess up at work or there is an issue he yells at me and starts to scold me for what I did. The problem is that I don't know how to fix it. I find myself now working and making decisions on eggshells, and messing up more than before because of the fear of causing anger and getting an angry response from this person.
The other problem is not being able to explain this to him because every time I do he comes back with "UGH see youre just creating a big drama with what you feel and its causing more problems, just admit you're wrong, don't give me some excuse, and fix it"
The problem is I feel like everything I do is wrong and I cant fix it no matter how many different options or roads I take I always end up with the same reaction and being yelled at. And i cant explain how I feel to him because then he gets more angry.
So I guess my question is, am i being too emotional? how do I stop feelings this certain way? How do I fix my work when every step I take or decision I make is to him a mistake and warrants a scolding? And why wont he listen to what I have to say about the situation without calling me a big baby?
What do I do in this situation?
And please don't say to change jobs because I've tried and its impossible at this particular moment in time.
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In my many, many years on this earth I have found that people who tell other people, "the need to grow up," need to take their own advice. f this person is your supervisor he is a poor excuse for a supervisor. Instead of yelling at you he should be teaching you and showing you where and how the mistakes you are making can be corrected.
If he is not your supervisor he has no business in yelling at you for any reason. If this is the case then I suggest you got to your supervisor and explain the situation as he is impeding your ability to do your job.
For over 35 years I had the task of supervising several hundred people who did not work for me directly. They were employed by the distributors who sold the product I represented to their company. I was very successful at this because I taught them not only how to sell my product but how to sell in general. That is the job of a good supervisor to teach and help people to learn from mistakes not to just criticize.
Take this guy off the pedestal you have him on and bring him down to your level. If he is not your supervisor then he is your equal and inform him of such. Tell him directly. "If your going to criticize me then have solutions to help me or keep you mouth shut and stay away. I also suggest you find someone else to help and mentor you if need be.
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MrKaman is right, his behavior of yelling in anger at work place is uncalled for. Not only unprofessional but to the person being chewed out in front of others, it is very belittling. My ex was bad enough but he had a friend who was even worse, very narcissistic in behavior, while my ex had mental issues also but I left him before the counselor determined what they were. If you can not move to another job, perhaps if the company is large enough, another department where you won't have this man in charge over you. You are just as trapped with him as employer or supervisor as I was married to such a person. Between both the ex and his friend, I can list the things you've said that are actions of a person with a mental illness. As to which one, can't say as so many have overlaping same problems, it takes a professonal to determine that.
But mental illness in my experiences produces these actions in people:
Always having to be right.
Making up stories about others to make them look bad, pointing the finger at you and saying that you are the problem. (This is a self defense tactic such a person does subconsciously without realizing it. They are attempting to take all attention off themselves so no one might discover that they are the one who truly has issues.) My ex did lots of that.
Admonishing, correcting or plain old making up stuff or dumping on you to release their stress but doing so often in front of others rather than taking you aside in private. My ex did a lot of that so that it was obvious to friends and family how he was treating me.
When someone comes to your defense, the next step is either invalidating the other person too or blowing up at you for dragging someone else into this, or simply telling the other to shut up and its none of their business.
People are humans and humans are prone to error, and errors are what we learn by to get better. This man does not understand that. He seems to think he knows better and is better than anyone. Let me share a story to explain this better. I smartened up and thought, well if the hubby thinks he can do so much better, then I will ask for his opinion and do exactly as he says so he can't be angry with me. This was of all things over which kitchen cupboards held what foods or where dishes or mugs and cups went. So I asked him. He pointed out what he wanted in each cupboard. I took notes and did exactly as he suggested. I was so happy the next day when I showed him what I had done. Guess what? He wasn't happy, in fact he chewed me out again and told me this was an unacceptable solution and in some ways was way worse than before. So basically it did not matter when I told him this was his idea. Some people just can't be pleased and I found this in both him and his friend. So its damned if you do and damned if you don't. No matter how good you get and how little mistakes you make, this man is someone who will never be pleased or content.
A person like this guy at work, do not like being questioned or asked anything or anyone disagreeing with them as they take it as you questioning their intelligence. I even had the friend do that to me yelling inches from my face and scared me badly.
The reason he won't listen to you is like I've been explaining,, he believes he is always right, supreme like a evil God, a dictator, and are only happy for brief moments when people are fawning over them, feeding into their extremely oversized egos and telling them how intelligent and smart they are. they tend to also pick on the people with the lowest self esteem because these people are more likely to not fight back and put up with it. Since we can not change others, only ourselves, this means if he has chosen you as his dumping ground, then there is nothing you can do to change things at work and will have to put up with this. But think twice before you decide that staying there is the best or only choice. The physcial and emotional stress to my body caught up with me after a few years of this and I stayed for 30. It started with headaches, then migraines, then all over body stress rashes that itched like hell. I also got high blood pressure and stomach ulcers from that. Some cancers are caused by stress and heart attacks too. If I didn't leave him, one of those might be next. Actually heard from God that if I didn't leave him within 4 years of HIm telling me so, that I would be dead. Well, that was the incentive to make me leave him. I am much healthier and happier today and no more of those illnesses. Someday after years at this job, if not already, you will find that stress has affected you adversely also. So keep working there but on the side keep looking for another place to work. You may feel emotional, but you are not too emotional and you are not over thinking here. No employee should ever be treated this way. Even if he doesn't pick on others, if you are gone, he will choose another who is the best candidate to take his punishing behavior. This is not the kind of person to have for an employer or a husband or even a boyfriend. But if for some reason you think this man is right and that you are the problem, then you have already low self esteem or confidence and i suggest you go see a counselor because if not, you will end up married to such a man and they are not just verbal abusers but after some time if not right at the start, they are physical abusers too. I suggest steering clear of him just as an employer as soon as you can.
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As far as your feeling for this person. forget it. work place romances are complicated and it does not sound like the other person is interested.
It is best to pursue romantic interest outside of work.
To keep from making mistakes are work, I don't know what type of work we are talking about. Office work, labor, food service industry? Without knowing more detail I can only give vague advice. Make notes of the mistakes you make and then study them at home. treat your work place like you would a school test and study at home to get an A.
The work place is no place to get emotional. that goes for you and other people. He this other person is yelling at you in the work place that is uncalled for and he is in the wrong.
I have hired, trained, and fired several people at my work place but even when i fired them (the worst part of my job :( ) i never yelled. there is just no benefit in getting anger.
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