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i am 18 and i feel like dying already!
thankyou for reading this and
idk from where i should start...
i'm just gonna tell you everything that has happened with me over the last couple of years..
i lost my dad when i was 12
he was a very good person he took such good care of us...he died of cancer even though he never smoke or did drinking or any such sort of bad habits
and i lost "ME" the day i lost my dad and i am realizing it now as i start to think...
and after that we had to move to my grandfather's place as we had no one to take care of us
we had money though not like huge but it was enough my dad had worked very hard for every penny
and my grandfather helped my mom to build an apartment with the money we had and he also helped her a lot by lending money to my mother
and just 2 years ago our apartment got finished and also my Grandfather passed away in 2015
i can't take all of this really it is hurts me a lot alll these stuff i loved my Grandfather so much he was a very good person
and all my mother also cries everynight just thinking about what happened to my dad and grandfather
and my after i lost my grandpa i almost lost every family member as they started to show their true nature
the whole family and everyone was ...i don't even feel like talking about them
they were acting as if they are very nice and sweet when my grandpa was there and now that he's gone everyone is just yeah showing what they truly are....
i really don't know how to tell all the little stuff that cause the most pain....
that they all do.
i let all these things into my head and yeah i lost it ...
i didn't write my exam last year and i wasted an year and now i am at home everyday
sad ..and feeling lonely
but i took the re-exam december and i know i am not gonna pass because i don't like studying
i feel all these stuff is made by us
Go to school...
Study hard...
get good marks...
get a job at a place that gives you boat load of money...
marry a girl...
have kids....
i mean i am just tired of all these stuff
i don't know what to do with my life
and yeah i am also in love with a 21 year old girl(long distance)
met her online she is really very sweet
i have never met anyone like her till now
and i really just love her a lot
but ....
i told my mom about this thinking that she would help me to get together with this girl
( yah i'm an idiot i know )
but my mom denied(obiviously)
recently things haven't been good
it never has been good in my case
the girl i love also hasn't texted me back in couple of weeks and i am just Holding on
just Holding On...
i really don't know when i am gonna loose the Grip...
i really feel like dying
but..
yeah i also don't wanna Give up
people are usually like think about your mother and all the pain she's been through...
i really feel her pain
but..
they wouldn't say the same thing if they saw the world they way i see it
and wouldn't say these things if i saw the world the way they see it !
i am such an idiot !
i hate ME
i don't like me at all...
i just don't wanna live
but..
Hope is all i Got !
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i'm sorry loss my grandpa to cancer, best take those memories, let tears out and live on for him, and know he is out of pain..know studying is not fun make a game out of it and try your best to pass..youll find right one someday on girls, and kids take sweet time for they ae big responsibility and reevaluate yourself of what in life, and do whats possible now and reach higher for others. and even go to God to find yourself and get comfort from Jesus Christ too, as it is said God so loved the world he gave his only son, that whomever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life..pray this with your heart i promise you'll see changes in you and going to them will give you results of a better fulfilled life..
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There's an awful lot going on here for you to contend with, and to resolve. To make sense of. I can see why you're questionning the point of life as it all seems to have converged upon giving you the hardest time possible, in every way possible. It's times like this we have to dig deep. Really deep. There's not the luxury of planning and anticipating the good things that might come in some future days for you right now. The battle is purely a case of how much punishment you can soak-up without caving-in totally, eh? Well, every day, even every hour you don't give up is a victory. There are depths of resources in a man that he doesn't even know he has until he's driven to call on them. They are in you, and written large. They must be mate, or you'd have gone under by now! The only crumb of consolation I've got is that when you come out of the other end of all this shit, you'll be 'alive' like guys who haven't been there will never be. You'll know yourself. You'll know what you are capable of. I'm not playing the 'think of your mother' card to try to make you feel guilty. But keep her close. She's right there in the battle shoulder-to-shoulder with you. She's the only one who knows what you're going through because she's going through it too. She's on your side and we need all the allies you can get at a time like this.
Just keep hanging in there. Get mad at it. Yell at it if you need to. Rage at it. Anger is a resource. Half an ounce of it is worth more than 10 tons of self-pity. Tap into it. Use it. Your aiming half this anger at yourself at the moment mate. That's the wrong target! If you're gonna go down, don't crawl into a corner and roll over. Go out all-guns blazing man! You'll turn this around. But not if you quit.
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Your issue has to do with having suffered a lot of trauma but keeping it all internal and never really taking it full on and learning how to work through the crap and purge these feelings. It's continuing to do a constant number on you and that's not good at all.
Like the poster below mentioned none of this is your fault. You may have temporarily "lost me" all those years ago. Now, is the time to see your real self and live again. This is what your grandfather and father would want of and for you. Take what they taught you and build on it and become even better than you thought.
The first step is to tell someone you trust how you feel inside all the time and ask them to find you a doctor and a therapist to talk to about depression and what you feel inside confidentially and learn how to work through it and gradually rebuild your life.
You will see over time that thoughts of wanting to die, thinking you're useless, an idiot and hating yourself is part and parcel with depression and other mental trauma (illnesses) which is okay if you have by the way. You'll learn how to override the bogus claims it is making and defeat them. It's not easy to live with but your life can be so much better by making the first step and telling a teacher, parent, relation, friend or an adult who can get you professional help. Then, just watch as things gradually become better. You have a ton to gain and to give even if you can't see it.
That's the problem with depression or any mental illness the reality of who you are is often distorted and until you are helped you won't be able to see that there is a brighter future.
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Given what you said, I don't see a reason for you to hate yourself. All these things happened to you and you had nothing to do with them. We're our own worst critics. Nobody is perfect. Be easy on yourself. Have some compassion for yourself.
I also used to hate myself sometimes. I think everyone does at one point or another. Then I really examined why I thought that. It turns out I'm actually a pretty good human being. Not perfect, but nobody is.
Are you really a bad person that deserves to be hated? Really think about it. If you met someone that was exactly like you, would you hate them? Probably not.
Yeah life is hard sometimes. But things pass. There's been many times in my life and probably in a lot of people's lives, where they felt similar to you. Things just suck. But, it passes. So its good that you have hope, because this too shall pass. You should practice the phrase "this too shall pass". Because the overwhelming majority of the time, it does. And a lot of the time, its not that the situation changes, its your mentality towards it that changes. Really, most of "what is" is just in your mind. The situation itself doesn't need to change. Its your mentality that needs to change. You're still very young so you don't have enough experience with that yet. But you will.
Accepting "what is" is very important in order for you to move forward. If you keep fighting what is, you will doom yourself to being unhappy. Your mind can't "be here" and always wanting to "be there". It tears you apart inside with anxiety, depression and make you just wanna give up cause you see no end.
Yes the death of loved ones hurts and there is a period of grief. Have a good cry and let them go. This is not what they would have wanted for you. They want you to be happy and prosper. But you have to move on and let them go and accept what is. Honor their memory by exhibiting the good qualities about them.
Yeah, some of your family are jerks. Some people are jerks. Its a fact of life. These people are likely miserable so they try to make others as miserable as they are. Accept that they're jerks and move on. Don't let their poison affect you. Fuck em. Forget about em. You don't need people like that in your life.
Getting back to accepting "what is". Imagine how it would be if your life situation didn't bother you? That's what acceptance feels like. Your current life situation is just that, your current life situation. Its not your life and its not you. Accepting "what is" and developing the mentality of "this too shall pass" when things get rough, will take a huge weight off your shoulders and give you peace of mind. The world doesn't need to change, its your perception of it that needs to change. Keep in mind that just because you accept what is, it doesn't mean that you have to stay there. Its for peace of mind to make it easier to move to better things. But you don't have to. There was a time when my life was destroyed. Everything I worked for for years. Gone. I also wanted to just die. But I changed my perception. I accepted what is and stopped dwelling on how things "should" be. I also accepted that the path I was led to was part of a bigger "plan" I didn't know about. And that I was exactly where I was supposed to be for that new and better path to come into fruition.
You don't have to go the path that others go: Job, wife, kids, work, die. I didn't. I know many who are doing that and they're miserable. That's what they chose. You gotta choose what you want. You don't wanna do that? Don't. Its that simple. You can choose your own path.
I'd like to point out that constantly entertaining negative thoughts about how much things suck or how much you suck or how much people suck will just bring you more of the same. Its poison for your mind and wellbeing. Try to find reasons why things don't suck. I'm sure you do have things to be thankful for. You have your mom, you are a place to live, eat every day, have internet, you're not sick or in constant pain. Not everyone can make these claims and we tend to take it for granted. Its easy to focus on the bad and overlook the good. Cause we've had so much practice. Imagine you have a piece of paper and you drew a spot on it. The paper represents you and the dot represents everything that's wrong with you and everything negative about your situation and shitty people. People spent a lot of time holding the piece of paper right up to their eyeball, focusing on the dot, so that they only see the dot and don't see the rest of the paper. But if you pull the paper away from your face, (I.E. look at it from a different perspective) You'll see that there's a lot more good than bad. You gotta change your perspective, the way you think about "what is".
I wanna recommend 2 books which brought me great peace of mind. One is "the four agreements" and the other "the power of now". Which are also available in audio and you can probably find it for free if you dig around online. Youtube probably has snippets or people summarizing. The book "as a man thinketh" is also good.
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