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humorist-workshop
How do you know when to keep trying or when to give up?
I have been dating an amazing man for a little over a year now. We are both in college and this past semester has been difficult for us. He had to do a fifth year which he was really unhappy about and has felt really lonely and like he doesn't really have a purpose here on campus. It is my senior year and he is adamant about not interfering with all of the fun he wants me to have. You would think that he would be overbearing and want to see me all of the time because he doesn't have any friends of his own here, but its the complete opposite.
He is frustrated with me because I always want more. I want more time with him, I want more of him... I feel like I'm not getting enough. He doesn't really take initiative to ask to hang out or ask to go on dates and he says its because I never give him the chance but I feel like if I don't ask, he never will... We have had a lot of fights about this. They go the same way: I express that I feel like he doesn't want to put in effort and he assures me that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me but that he just feels down all of the time at school. I have noticed that when we go off campus either for a date or to visit our families everything is amazing. He immediately perks up and it feels like he is a different person. I want to be understanding and stick it out with him like he's asked but I hate feeling so low most of the time. When he is down all he wants to do is be alone and play video games. He gets angry when I suggest we do anything else. He says if I'm bored I can leave. It's hurtful.
The other night I went a little crazy... I was drunk to the point where I did not remember doing this but I left the bar and was trying to find him. I texted him a dozen times, called him literally 25 times, and showed up at his apartment and then the only other place I knew he would be, which is his only friend still left on campus's apartment. He took me outside and said I was acting cray and he wasn't answering because he didn't want to deal with it. We fought for a few minutes and he finally just hugged me and said he loved me and we'd figure it out. I went home and fell asleep. I saw him the next morning and apologized profusely and he said he was already over it. I have done this a few times though. Never to that level, but I have a tendency of texting him numerous times in a row when I have felt like he was ignoring me. I'm not proud of it. But I feel so desperate in those times. It's not who I am. I have never been a crazy girlfriend.
I'm just stuck. I want more than anything to be with this person. I want to make it work. But last night we got into another fight and he started going off on me saying he was still mad about the night I showed up at his friend's. That he had pent up frustration and needed to think about our relationship. Today he told me he didn't mean that. That he didn't need to think about it, but now he isn't responding to me. I'm so tired of this and I don't know what to do. I know I deserve better and I know that he can give it to me... we only have one semester left and our plans after college leave us about a six hour drive apart. I want more than anything to work through this but I can't be the only one working. How do you know when its time to give up???
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There is truth in what Danicus and Rainhorse have told you. However I see another potential issue here. If I am right, then the solution here will rest with your guy and his actions or in-actions.
Here is a telling statement that jumped out at me.
"... he just feels down all of the time at school. I have noticed that when we go off campus either for a date or to visit our families everything is amazing. He immediately perks up and it feels like he is a different person."
Plus right at the start of your story you mention him discovering he needs to do a 5th year and is really unhappy about it. The fact that he perks up and becomes his good old self, the man that you fell in love with, tells me that school is the issue. I can't say its only the 5th year, but perhaps after all this time, he has decided he isn't happy with the degree he's going after and doesn't want to change at this point, or he's going to school for a degree his parents wanted him to do, not what he really wants. Or perhaps they are the ones footing the bill for college so he has the added stress of not wanting to disappoint them with his frustrations at school so he keeps this all locked up inside him. That makes for a pressure cooker situation.
A person who keeps wishing for their real wants and dreams but stuffing their unhappiness with their life as it currently is, will eventually stuff too much negative emotion and eventually a person like that will just explode....thus the fights you are having. An unfortunate thing in life is that when stressed or upset, people tend to realease and dump on the ones closest to them. This is not a good thing for relationships and will need to change if he is a stuffer and not honest with himself and his wants and needs. You wanting more time with him is understandable. But it sounds like he tried to push you away at least temporarily to protect you from his current moodiness and other issues by being "adament that he doesn't interfere with your fun" and he darn well knows this much, that he is not in a good place and until he is willing to look at whats going on inside him, see a counselor perhaps, he will continue to be like this which spells death for a relationship. His pushing you away for what he thinks is a good reason has made you feel more desperate, a cycle he started. Your reactions are not helping him either. He is willing to place lots of the blame at your feet but he has started this all. You need to haave a heart to heart talk, and see if you can find out what is really the problem. If school or his degree or whatever his school issue is, is the real issue and he's forcing himself to do something he doesnt want, hopefully he is willing to see a school counselor at least. If things don't improve, you may have to give an ultimatum, that he get professional help to get past his issues, or he will lose you. Hopefully that helps wake him up to how serious this is. If not, you may have to leave him. Even under pressure, if someone really loves their mate, they should never dump on and treat the mate as the enemy but find solace in their arms, no matter how angry other things make them.
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I HIGHLY recommend "men are from mars, women are from venus." (by john gray) You can probably find the audiobook on youtube or just google it. It explains pretty much everything that you are doing wrong.
In a nutshell, men are turned off by needyness and you are being very needy. The more you try to be with him all the time, the more he will try to get away. Men also like alone time and guy time. By you always needing to be with him, you are preventing that. On top of that you are throwing in drama when he doesn't comply to your constant wanting to be together. I think in general, guys don't want to be with their girlfriends 24/7. Even if they love them. You're kind of giving him an ultimatum "be with me all the time, or there will be drama." But he likes his alone time and doesn't want drama. So what should be do? Be with you all the time eventhough he doesn't want to be with you all the time? That'll just make him sick of you.
I've experienced this very thing in my own relationships. Which just made me resent her and I couldn't wait for moments when she was finally gone, so I could be alone for a while. After we broke up, I saw her do this to her next boyfriend and he told me what I thought myself when I was with her. She is extremely needy and it just made him want to get away from her even more. Eventhough we both loved her and liked hanging out with her, but when she was needy, we just wanted to get away.
What you need to do is give him some space, let him have his alone time and guy time. He will come back to you. It explains all of this in the book. That women's needyness push the guy away and the more she wants, the more the guy wants to get away. But if she lets off and lets him have his alone time, he will come back much more willing and wanting to spend time with you. This also happened to me when my ex left me alone to do my thing, I would come back. Same thing with her next bf. She was needy, he pulled away. I told her to leave him alone and then HE was the one wanting to spend time.
I highly recommend you listen to the book together. I listened to it with my girl and we were surprised how much we were behaving like it says in the book, but of course, we were oblivious to it. Until now.
If you give him some space 1 of 2 things will happen. He will come back to you even more eager and happy to spend time with you. Or you will have your answer on whether the relationship is worth fighting for or not. But if what you say is true, he will most likely come back.
Also, maybe try to take an interest in his interests.
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Hi! I'm seeing the theme of 'effort' written large here. About how you are always making it. Effort of course represents 'investment'. We drop out when we feel our present level of investment has exceeded any return we are likely to see. It looks a lot like you've passed your 'break even' point to me? I'm seeing a guy who just isn't on-board here. At best, he's along for the ride. Unless he can commit more to the relationship I can't see you being content. I agree that the things you want are entirely reasonable. And no more than a woman has every right to expect from her partner. Neither are they beyond his capacity. They are beyond what he is willing to give, and that's not the same thing at all. You are partners. Like 'business partners' that does not mean one doing all the work while the other takes all the benefit. I appreciate that relationships usually involve some degree of compromise. However, remember that one person cannot compromise. One person can only back-off on their demands and give in to the other. Two people can 'reach a compromise' for sure. I'm telling this to you, but it is him that needs to know this and act accordingly. If he does not, cannot or will not then I think your happiness lies with someone else, I'm afraid.
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