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Advice on flirting
Hi 17F.. My cousin and I am turning 18 on saturday and he is holding a HUGE party. Both our friends are invited(I have two) he has alot. I am very shy and he say I'm boring. I would really like to prove him wrong and flirt around a bit but I know literary nothing about flirting. I am have a very low self esteem. I am a little overweight. I have dark brown hair that hangs just below my bra. I wear glasses and have blue eyes. I really like my mouth. I don't really like to stand out but I am willing to try. Please help me I am desperate?
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Choose the outfit that you know you look best in. Do your make-up so that it draws attention to your best bits and understates the parts that you feel are less good. (That's what the make-up artists do. Trying to 'cover' less good bits with make-up is a common mistake, and only draws attention to the fact they are less good). Put on your game-face and attitude. Feel it's a bit of a bluff, or fake? That's exactly what it is and we all do it! When you engage with a guy, lots of eye contact and a smile when you speak. Speak quite slowly, at a lowish pitch, in other words avoid gabbling on too fast in a high pitch. Get in quick with open-ended and 'leading' questions. About him. What does he like, his plans, his job etc. Ten minutes of listening to you talk about YOU and he'll think your boring. Ten minutes of more or less letting him talk about HIM and he'll be thinking YOU are really interesting. Sound odd? It's a neat little trick to use, because most people find 'me' their favourite subject! If (not if, when....think positive!) the guy makes a complimentary remark then tilt your head slightly down and to your right and lift your eyes back up to meet his and smile. Hold it for a second or two (or three!) and when you do say something...change the subject. Look relaxed when you are standing and talking, weight a bit more one leg than another, and don't cross your arms in front of you. If you are sitting down, angle yourself towards them and lean slightly towards them, and cross your legs with the upper leg towards them, never away from them. Your cuz should now see you holding the full attention of every one of his friends you speak to. They'll tell him you're 'really nice and interesting'. then he'll just have to re-evaluate you as a woman of some allure who can attract attract any guys when she pleases! Good luck.
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There isn't enough time for you to gain self confidence by Saturday but I do have advice to give that you can start working on right away.
First you need to understand that the media's idea of beauty as advertised today is only the current idea of what is beautiful. In recent history beauty was considered being big boned, curvy and hour glass shape followed by the thin anorexic look of Twiggy model. If one doesnt have the bone structure to begin with, some of these looks for beauty are always going to be unavailable to all women. Its nothing but hype to sell clothing and beauty products and the same goes for men now. The age group most susceptible to believing what beauty is will be kids teens and college age. So your peers, until they grow up and decide for themselves what they beilive handsome or pretty to be, are going to be critical of others. Not all fall into this belief system and some learn at younger ages to think for themselves and not follow the crowd.
Being shy is okay is you are simply a more quiet person who is slow to warm up to people but still outgoing in subtler ways. Its when you have social anxiety as I did as a teen and you are totally frosen to acting upon meeting and talking to people and finding that terrifying that you have an actual problem. If you do have social anxiety, that will take some time to get over but I have a recipe I followed that helped me overcome it easily enough and will share with you if you write and ask.
As for having self confidence, it may be tied to being shy but is a different thing entirely when viewed in other ways. Beling self confident in ones looks and personality is important. People are like radio recievers picking up on any and all signals you silently send out. If you feel ugaly, people will pick up on your feeling and then avoid you. If you have confidence about your looks, then people also pick up these positve feelings you have and are drawn to you. I wasnt sure I believed that but read about it in a womans magazine article long ago at a time I need the self confidence.
You've already mentioned liking your mouth so thats a good place to start focus on. For me it was my eyes. What the article said was to borrow the confidence of a celebrity by finding a way to identify with them and feel like you are them in your mind and for me i chose my eyes and an actress from long ago I felt had those eyes that caught peoples attention. Of course the rest of the actress was beautiful and I didn't match the rest in my minds eye. But I went with what I did beleive in. Then every time you leave home, imagine yourself looking like her, borrowing the celebritys self confidence and making that head turning effect on people. As I said, I did that, sometimes even picturing myself in my minds eye looking just as glamorous, or sexy like that woman right before entering school, a store, a room, anywhere. But then I'd forget about it, not thinking it would work. Then I was stunned as over time, I got more and more comments from strangers, both women and men walking up to me and mentoning that I have the most beautiful eyes they;ve ever seen. I wasn't even wearing makeup half the time!.
See, they picked up on how I felt about myself rather than how I actually looked. I started out on borrowed self confidence. But once you've experienced this enough for yourself, you'll forget about looking somewhat like this celebrity in the mouth area, and continue on with your own self confidnece after experiencing some positive feedback from people. Its not instant so don't expect it all to happen Saturday but you can practice.
If you have trouble knowing how to start up convo's or what to say, just start with complimenting people if you can do so and really mean it. Don't make up compliments. If you like the logo of a guys t shirt, tell him you find his t shirt really cool looking and then for another comment, you can also ask where he got it. Listenly closely to peoples response to find something they mention that you can make another comment on. If he mentions a store he got it at and you've shopped there, you can then mention having gone there too. If he instead says his sister got it for him for Christmas, you could say, that he has a wonderful sister and then latch on to the topic of Christmas or siblings, whichever you can take a lead from your own comment. Like, do you have other siblings? This is what helps a convo keep going. If it feels like you are having to drag answers out of a person, it's not that you are doing anything wrong but you both don't have the right kind of chemistry to even be friends. If you do this with the right guys or even girls, they will respond positively to you and conversation will flow with ease. Most people, do not start conversations on their own but join ones already in progress. So if no one is really talking, you'd need to be the one to start conversation. I will tell short bits about myself or even another nameless person I know of whose story matches the current conversation. And I may elaborate also to make it more interesting, using facial expressions and open body language. Those two latter will also affect whether a person feels you are approachable or not. Don't talk in monotone and be of a mindset to welcome peoples laughter, making them laugh. A coworker once mentioned during a slow time that he once lived in a studio so small and how he used the closet to put his bed in so it could feel like he had a bedroom. I thought about it a minute, and focused on the word closet and blurted out, "so if you slept in too long in the morning, your friends could say that you haven't come out of the closet yet." I turned his info into a comment with double meanings and had the whole crew laughing out loud. People like to talk about themselves and people also like to be able to laugh at funny things. Keep this all in mind and you'll do good enough to start. Flirting is too big a bite to start with until you've gained some self confidence and learned how to speak to others. When your cousin labeled you boring, that's not a death sentence. Boring simply means that you are not giving people anything to latch on to to say something to you or notice you. Give them a chance and if they don't speak first, then you do so. And the best way to break ice is with a compliment. If it not a compliment about what they are wearing, it can be about an action or personallity trait you see. LIke after handling a difficult nasty customer, I went up to our new shift manager and told her I felt she did a good job of staying in control and still being pleasant tho the customer was yelling in another language. I'd have peeople thank me for any kind words like that which I feel may be insignificant as I go to say them but I get immediate positive feeddback and this helps with building friendship with people, knowing you care and appreciate them or their talents. Good luck dear.
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