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humorist-workshop
Don't deserve love?..
Hi.. 17 F..
I have dark brown long'ish hair, blue eyes and I wear glasses. I'm a bit overweight. I can't seem to find love?.. personally I don't think I'm that ugly but I don't think I'm gorgeous either. I can't flirt and is a bit shy. I have straight white teeth and a full mouth. I am really depressed because I feel loanly. Please help me? I like this boy at our church but he doesn't even look at me.. he is also a bit shy.. what should I do?
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Solid advice has a good idea, the one of writing a note of your positive traits as you think of them.
I'd like to expand on this as a way of showing you how often the average person has negative thoughts.
My way is a list of your good points you list as the thoughts occur and then a list on which you write the self defeating thoughts of yourself.
Even without writing, you'll find that in the passing of just an hour, that a good majority of your thoughts will be negative ones. Lots may be about your looks but the negative thoughts can be about anything like, "I just know I'm gonna fail the Biology test today", or Mom, don't drive under the overpass in case it falls on us in an earthquake! and there are many other ways we do this. We keep ourselves so tied up in knots over worry that we don't see life opportunities when they do come up for us.
While in school, most boys haven't figured out what they want in a girlfriend yet besides having a sexual relationship. Young males are pretty much a one track mind, always on sex and they see girls that way too and don't kid yourself that in church the boys don't. I went to church in my teens and have tons of examples of how guys
showed interest in myself or other girls, that was purely sexual.
Males often don't tend to get ideas of what they really want in a woman or being ready to commit to anything from just a girlfriend to a wife. So trust me, that even tho young males in HS aren't looking your way perhaps for reasons of their own, they will as time goes by. The best thing you can do in preparation is to work on strengthening your self respect, and self confidence now so that about the time guys start really looking beyond the skin level for beauty, you'll be ready.
Scientists conducted tests on men to see what type of thing in females attracts them more. Beauty or other like brains. Beauty did not win. Men chose the average looking female with a healthy self confidence because they found it sexier than the stunning model type without any self confidence. I know it doesnt help for right now in school. but the sooner you work on your self confidence, regardless of how you feel you look and if you want an example of an excercise you can try, let me know.
By the way, I was really curious to learn if by chance you live near horses, work with them or have a ranch because when describing yourself, it just came across to me like when someone is purchasing a horse, looking for good stock when you used "I have straight white teeth and a full mouth."
In the meanwhile, self confidence works pretty quickly in getting gals and guys to start to notice you and start friendships. For the shy boy, try out talking to him as you gain confidence. If you need help again here, let me know.
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You need to stop seeing yourself through a fun house mirror or better put through a mirror with a ton of mud on it. You have to cut through the negative and erroneous thoughts about yourself with laser like precision and counter with all the good qualities you possess including inner and outer beauty.
A teacher once taught me to have an index card or a piece of paper folded up in wallet, purse, whatever where it could constantly be accessed. On it right down all the positive qualities you possess and consider it your ID card. Even if dropped in a puddle what's on that paper is always true. You have to claim it as yours daily.
Everyone and I do men everyone is worthy of being loved or having a relationship with someone. The fact you have yet to find that person is okay. It will happen but it's hard for guys to notice you or approach because you are introverted and they can sense not at all confident.
A potential suitor will like you for you not for your stature, won't give a shit about glasses or superficial things. I highly doubt you are ugly and a few extra pounds does not make you undesirable either. It's your personality that people will gravitate to if you allow them. Drop the guard you have up.
If you like the boy from church introduce yourself and tell him you noticed he was your age and that it's difficult to meet people who would make good friends to hang out with. Ask if he would be willing to be yours and hang out sometime or if he's in to hanging out with you and friends. That will help you at least get a friend that could over time develop. The fact he also is shy and awkward is a good thing as he may be relieved you reached out.
I think the other thing you need is a therapist to help you with your false view of self and having self esteem. They can pinpoint why you are so introverted and intimidated by others and can address depression once a psychiatrist diagnoses it. You definitely should see a doctor about it for it could make you feel a ton better than you do now.
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What I see first is you have a horrible self-image problem. Facial beauty is only skin deep. The real you lies below the surface. This is the person people fall in love with not the advertising of the outer beauty. Those tall blonde and blue eyed people can attract but have trouble keeping because there is no one home under the outer beauty.
You can color your hair and have it styled at a hair salon. You can talk to your eye doctor about contacts. A bit of lipstick and eye liner can go a long way in enhancing what you have. At most department stores they have people who will not only help you choose the right makeup but show you how to best use it for you.
As for being overweight you can diet an exercise or you can dress to show yourself in the best way. There are men who prefer women with a bit more weight on them as opposed to women that are skin and bones.
As for the boy you like at church you have two options. You can bite the bullet and go up to him and introduce yourself. Or you can ask the Pastor or someone else in the church who may know both of you to introduce you to him.
There are things you can do to enhance the outer you which should help you with your self-image problem as well. You can also speak with a psychologist who will help you find the reason for your self-image problem and help you deal with it in a more positive manner. Your parents health insurance from work should have an EAP program. This program is designed for something just like this.
Generally the EAP program will help you find a psychologist to talk with and pay for the first few sessions. If you feel more therapy is needed the health insurance takes over based on the contractual agreement. Ask you parents to get the number of one of their EAP program coordinators. It is a benefit and it is totally confidential.
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