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Miss him but we are toxic
Hi everyone, so I am 20 years old and my ex is 35. We dated for a year and a half and lived together. We have been broken up for about 6-7 weeks now. I miss him. I love this man. We had plans to move away together and now he's leaving and moving away within the next few months. My heart is shattered. We were very toxic together, constantly arguing, I have awful communication skills which was a big issue in our relationship on my end but on his, I was always anxious. I felt like no matter what I did I would get lectured, or made fun of, or get in trouble like a child. I was so unhappy in the relationship and prayed God would give me an out because I was so unhappy, and so anxious. Now I miss him, and I just want him, I want things to be wonderful. Trust has been broken and tested on both sides. He has pulled me out of my family parties because we were fighting or he wasn't enjoying himself. My family started to invite me to less things because they didn't want him around. My family, and friends don't like him. As toxic as we are I love him. I'm mortified that he's leaving, I can't believe he's leaving me. He's taking my/our dream and running with it. He can't live in that house because it's so empty and he needs a brand new start in life. Towards the end I said "I'm scared to leave but I'm more scared to stay" and now I find myself not even knowing what I want. I just want to lay next to him, I want to feel him and know that he's here. Just any advice, any comment. Maybe you've been in a crazy toxic relationship and how did you resolve it? He's also a very angry person and I am a very happy easy going person and that was a big issue always because he'd get mad over just about anything. Anything might help. Thank you!
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Below is my previous answer to this question. My answer hasn't changed as your question hasn't changed. As I said there are couples who can love each other but can't live with each other which may be the case with this relationship. That and the fact that there is a 15 year age difference.
I am of the belief that the toxic affect in this relationship is not communication skills but the age difference. You said it yourself when you wrote, "no matter what I did I would get lectured, or made fun of, or get in trouble like a child." Two adults rarely if ever lecture one another.
My advice is: Start going out and having fun again, even if it is just a girls night out. Be open to some guy asking for your number or asking you out.
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I'm not sure your going to like what I say though I am going to say it anyway.
The one thing missing from what you wrote is how long you lived together. What I see though is someone barely out of her teens pining for someone 15 years her senior. While age is just a number, a means of track one's time on earth, it can also be a cause for a very rocky and toxic relationship.
I have no doubt you love him and in some manner he may even love you. It is the difference that 15 years between you makes that is the cause of your problems. He has already sowed his oats, done the things you may want to do. Hopefully learned from the mistakes that you would normally make as you grow and mature into a mature adult. He is ready to settle down, start a family and enjoy life in a manner different than you might not enjoy.
There is also the difference in friends yours being your age and his being around his age. The maturity level comes into play again and his dealing with his friends over this problem. Maturity comes with age as does the ability to communicate at a better level. Some of the communication skills are learned in college. Others are learned in the workplace.
You did not say if you have gone to college. By your age you have not worked long enough to garner the skills of the work place to communicate at his level.
When you put all of this together and look at the differences that separate you two logically the deck is stacked against you. Of course I am speaking with the wisdom of my 70 years of age give me and I see things very differently than you do. Its called perception and people's perception of things do differ with age even as little difference as 15 years.
I can't say if your relationship with him is salvageable or not. I would tend to think it is not. He has chosen to get a clean start something I would say is the right and mature thing to do after evaluating the pros and cons of the situation. You may very well love each other but may not be able to live with each other. There are a lot of people like that who are even closer in age then you two.
MY suggestion is that you are 20years old. You have not truly experienced life and love. Their is a true love out there for you waiting to meet you that you can have the life you want with. It may take some time to get over him though you will get over him.
Start going out and having fun again, even if it is just a girls night out. Be open to some guy asking for your number or asking you out. If you want try the dating sites. My son has they type of job that women are reluctant to marry into.
No he is not a police officer he is a firefighter still the type of job a wife is never sure when she sends him off to work if he is coming home again. His wife said when she saw this on his match site she almost didn't respond. But after meeting him she said she would take however long she has with him.
These dating sites are great if your looking for a custom fit in our off the rack world. One way or another I am positive no matter how much you say you love this man. There is a man out there waiting to meet you that you will love even more and want to make a family with.
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Yes, we can hurt badly and miss a person, even if that person while with us, was very bad for us.
the pain of seperation lessens after time has gone by. I've had to go thru that as well and know thats how it works.
If you wonder why you might be missing him, I don't know your reasons, but for myself, I discovered I had a low self confidence and was trying to gain all my self confidence thru having the ex as my husband and partner. And thats where the fear comes in to not want to try again on your own. Now that I am over 7 yrs out of that situation, I find I am a happier person. Even my adult children were able to see how much happier I was as a person after leaving their Dad and they are glad to see me like this now.
You don't have to know what you do want yet, I didnt either. All I did was take baby steps. Decide which topic in your life needs top priority and attention right now and fix that battle first before moving on to others.
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Hey!
Letting go can be one of the hardest things in life but it can also be the best thing that has ever happened to you.
Why do you really miss him? Why do you really want him? The main question would be, were you happy? Are you happy now?
A toxic relationship like that is not healthy what so ever, and
can lead to an abusive relationship. Think of it like a drug.
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realize that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
-I got this off an article (deep stuff)
I can't make you leave him, but you can think about it. Only you know what's best for yourself
-Swimmer133
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I'm not sure your going to like what I say though I am going to say it anyway.
The one thing missing from what you wrote is how long you lived together. What I see though is someone barely out of her teens pining for someone 15 years her senior. While age is just a number, a means of track one's time on earth, it can also be a cause for a very rocky and toxic relationship.
I have no doubt you love him and in some manner he may even love you. It is the difference that 15 years between you makes that is the cause of your problems. He has already sowed his oats, done the things you may want to do. Hopefully learned from the mistakes that you would normally make as you grow and mature into a mature adult. He is ready to settle down, start a family and enjoy life in a manner different than you might not enjoy.
There is also the difference in friends yours being your age and his being around his age. The maturity level comes into play again and his dealing with his friends over this problem. Maturity comes with age as does the ability to communicate at a better level. Some of the communication skills are learned in college. Others are learned in the workplace.
You did not say if you have gone to college. By your age you have not worked long enough to garner the skills of the work place to communicate at his level.
When you put all of this together and look at the differences that separate you two logically the deck is stacked against you. Of course I am speaking with the wisdom of my 70 years of age give me and I see things very differently than you do. Its called perception and people's perception of things do differ with age even as little difference as 15 years.
I can't say if your relationship with him is salvageable or not. I would tend to think it is not. He has chosen to get a clean start something I would say is the right and mature thing to do after evaluating the pros and cons of the situation. You may very well love each other but may not be able to live with each other. There are a lot of people like that who are even closer in age then you two.
MY suggestion is that you are 20years old. You have not truly experienced life and love. Their is a true love out there for you waiting to meet you that you can have the life you want with. It may take some time to get over him though you will get over him.
Start going out and having fun again, even if it is just a girls night out. Be open to some guy asking for your number or asking you out. If you want try the dating sites. My son has they type of job that women are reluctant to marry into.
No he is not a police officer he is a firefighter still the type of job a wife is never sure when she sends him off to work if he is coming home again. His wife said when she saw this on his match site she almost didn't respond. But after meeting him she said she would take however long she has with him.
These dating sites are great if your looking for a custom fit in our off the rack world. One way or another I am positive no matter how much you say you love this man. There is a man out there waiting to meet you that you will love even more and want to make a family with.
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