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Tension in the House
Hello, I'm 22 and female and I've been with my 23 year old boyfriend for about a year and a half. This is going to be long, about my boyfriend and family but if you can stick around until the end to help me out, I'd really appreciate it.
Like I said, my boyfriend and I are almost together for a year and a half. Things are really good between us but up until recently, my mom has not been for us. It took about six to eight months before he started spending the night at my house (we both still live with our parents). But after my parents gave the okay, he started staying over. We would alternate between my house and his but it would mostly be my house because he just doesn't like being home and he is a manager at a walmart so sometimes his hours would go until ten or eleven at night, whereas mine are a normal eight to five, so it just made more sense for him to go right to my house after he was done.
A few months ago, he and I started talking about how he thinks we're approaching the time that we should be looking for an apartment, it was time to begin the next step of seeing if we would still be compatible on our own and that kind of thing. I agreed, though there was no rush so we took things slow like working out our budget and thinking out what kind of place we wanted like a one bedroom or two, an apartment in a complex or a house that someone owns and is renting out, etc etc. I told my mom that he had brought that up and she had asked if her and my dad re-did the basement, if my boyfriend and I would want to stay down there and pay rent (she had said that she would save the rent we pay her and then give that back to us as a lump sum for a downpayment on a house when we are ready.) I thought it was a good idea but the more time that went on and the more I thought about it, I just didn't like the idea - it wouldn't teach me anything about going grocery shopping or paying my own bills or even little things like how to keep my place clean and if I can keep my own plants and flowers alive. Not to mention, she did not even mention to my dad about how she brought that idea up to me.
Time wise, my mom had just been getting to be a terror around the house, honestly. A couple of days ago, she and I got into the worst fight we had ever had. I will try to keep it exactly how it was and not leave anything out but by the end of it, my blood was boiling and I couldn't even think straight. It all started about a week ago when I had my lunch packed for work the next day, I had two yogurts on top of each other in the fridge and she came stomping up the stairs asking why I eat two yogurts a day now, I told her I like having one in the morning for breakfast and then I keep the second for lunch or for right before I finish work. She started yelling that I need to start chipping in and buying my own groceries. Now, normally if I were an only child and she threw that one me, I would be fine with it, I am 22 still living at home and not even paying any of my own bills so I can swing my own groceries. But I am not an only child and my brother never had to pay for his own groceries so in my eyes, justifiably, I got angry. The next morning, I didn't pack my lunch just to prove to my mom that I didn't need her food. She called me before work and I didn't answer because I was driving and she left me the nastiest voicemail that if I didn't call her back before I clocked in, that she would make me pay for my own phone bill then too (again, something my brother never did and still does not do even though he is out of the house). So I called her back, she yelled that I didn't take food when I had pointed out to her that the night before, she yelled at me for eating the food. She said that we will continue this when I got home so obviously i had dread going home all during my work shift.
The time came that I went home and my mom and dad were waiting for me in the kitchen. I feel like through the whole argument, my dad was on my side but my mom was just livid the entire time. It started with her being angry that I don't do anything around the house. The fact of the matter is, we have cleaning ladies that come and they do most of the chores that I should have. However, when they aren't here, I clean up from dinner every night even if I don't eat it, I empty the trash when it gets full, I do my own laundry and I empty the dishwasher. So I'm still baffled by how she felt correct in saying that I do not do anything. It finally came down to her being angry at my boyfriend. I felt like her argument was that with the amount of time he spends at the house, she wants him to pay her rent or money for food. My dad kept saying that it wasn't about the money for him, he gave an example that it would be nice every once in a while if they came home from work and saw that my boyfriend and I made dinner for them. Whereas, every time my mom would yell, she would yell that she doesn't understand how he is still paying rent to his mom even though he's here so I presume she was hinting that he should stop paying his mom and pay her instead. I asked her numerous times before this fight even happened if she would like for him to pay for groceries and she says no every time. She even got mad that she had to take the recycling out when it was pretty full from just beer or wine bottles from my brother, my brother's best friend and my boyfriend's. Though that is the only thing I could find justifiable for him to do, he should not have to take my family's garbage out or walk my family's dog. When she got mad that she had to take them out, I simply told her she could have asked my boyfriend to take them and she yelled back that she shouldn't have had to ask, he should have known to just do it, which was ridiculous. She said had even argued that she gets mad that he eats food at my house as well, she does the grocery shopping and pays for the groceries and makes dinner for him as well and she gets mad that he eats the dinner that she made for him. So I told her that he can just as easily eat at home or at work before he comes over and she said that she would feel bad not making him dinner when not a single person had asked her to make him anything, but she still got angry over him eating it. It's just, thinking back on it, I feel like the entire argument was filled with such insanity. Every time she yelled about something, she could not back it up with something else - she had asked why we do not spend more nights at his house so I told her we can and then she got angry that I said that "oh so you would much rather be miserable staying there (because he doesn't get along with his mom too well) then stay here" so I asked her why she would ask us to go there more and then get angry when I tell her that we will. Towards the end of the argument, I asked her how things are so different now when the exact same thing happened about a year ago - my brother's girlfriend stayed over a lot and my mom always made dinner for my brother, his girlfriend and me. She told me it's different now because it took my brother's girlfriend a long time to start spending the night. I had asked my mom if his girlfriend had ever paid rent, paid for groceries, or anything of the sort and her only response was "your boyfriend eats way more than your brother's girlfriend ever ate."
So long story short, my boyfriend and I have been spending more time at his house because I don't want to be around my mom and when my boyfriend comes over, he brings his own food and doesn't eat or drink anything at my house. I don't want him to feel like he has to do that but I do not blame him for one second thinking that he does. Yesterday and today, my boyfriend has a 12-10 shift. I was home alone a lot of yesterday because my parents were at an all you can eat and drink event to help support local farms. He came over after work, we had started getting intimate and my parents got home so he had stopped but he was shirtless and only had his boxers on and my mom drunkenly barged into my room and would not leave. She was in such a good mood because she had a lot to drink so she was getting giggly and weird and started to tickle him. That sounds weird but it was innocent, she was just trying to be funny but he was trying to cover himself with a blanket so she didn't see that he was in his boxers but she was relentless. Finally she went over to her room and nothing too crazy happened regarding her seeing him half naked. But he got angry that we don't have any privacy so that was the straw that broke the camel's back and we've been getting more serious about finding an apartment now.
This is something that I want to do with him, decorating my own place, making my own rules, having our own privacy. Though it's always been in the back of my mind that eventually, my boyfriend will have to rotate into over night shifts at work for a period of six months and my mom has been using that as leverage for me to not move in with him yet. Thus far he and I have looked at two places and we have more appointments coming up this week and I have not told my mom or dad about us doing that yet at all and I'm honestly afraid to. My mom even had the audacity to say "well, what's going to happen when he moves to over nights and you're all alone and you get stressed that you never see him so things start to fall apart between you two? Where are you going to go?" I had asked her if she would not let me go back home for some nights or she would not come over to keep me company to get time away from my dad because that was her whole thing before that she would always keep me company when he wasn't there due to work and now she is totally against it saying that if I leave, I'm accepting that I will be alone for six months worth of nights. Come November, my dad is making me pay for my car insurance anyway so that isn't anything I'm worried about with moving out because he did make a deal with me that if and when I do move out, he would keep me on the health insurance but if I'm out of the house, I will pay my share to him. However, my mom said that if I move out, she's kicking me off of the plan and I'm on my own for everything.
All in all, I'm just stressed. I want to move out with my boyfriend. This fight with my mom has honestly made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in my own house. I just do not know what to do. My boyfriend going on overnights will be something that will always be in the back of my mind. Then with my mom throwing all of my bills at me at once, something she did not do to my brother, is making this whole thing so much worse. So, I just need advice that maybe I'm missing something with my mom - she could be starting pre menopause. Or maybe she is actually being crazy like I think she is. I need advice on how to deal with my boyfriend going on overnights and if I should move out with him. I just need advice, it feels like a lot of things are falling apart and I can't make a decision on how to fix any of it.
I'm sorry this is so long but I thank you so much if you made it all the way through and for any advice you may have for me!!
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I can think of one more possibility, one that happens with parents who have more than one child as I did. We don't know anything starting out raising a child and can tend to make all sorts of mistakes. Although there aren't many on my part, theres still mistakes I wish i could take back so it never happened. If nothing is wrong with your Mom physically or such as Adviceman suggested, it could mean that the difference between how she is still treating your brother, the older child I assume, and you #2, is that she now realizes by his behavior that she did a poor job ok training him to be ready to be an adult. She may be too prideful to admit her mistake, never will and wants to do better by you but is going about it, just as bad as with your brother. She may not be the type of person willing to take correction or instruction but parents need to be able to do so, whether with counsel and ideas from other parents or even parenting books. You need a private talk with Dad about all this and ask him if He believes this is whats going on.
Since you mention pre menopause, I am assuming her behavior has changed some from the past and females can have emotional issues and otherwise from PMS, pre menstrual symptoms, long before meno pause comes along. My guess would be something in her physcial or mental health changed including any stresses that are too overwhelming for her and again if not willing to tell your Dad that she wants his support in finding help, theres not much he can do either except to keep encouraging her to do so and to not act wimpy and stand up to her for you. I had to do so with my daughters when their Dad got worse from mental issues and refused to go thru with treatment plans from Dr. so he was difficult to live with and yes.....Always Yelling and Always never satisified. Living with him was like that saying "damned if you do and damned if you dont" as in your yogurt example. It didn't matter, eating or not eating or what ever the case was, he got mad and chewed you out anyways.
If anything, show this to your Dad. He needs to know this isn't normal behavior to be acting like this all the time. So if there is any way he c an get her to go for a 'routine checkup' himself and her so she won't feel picked upon, then once with the dr. He could mention all the issues going on and the Dr. can run some tests then to check her out. I know if I were in your place, I would be just as angry, especially since it doesnt feel fair being treated different than your brother. Theres a happy middle ground tho, where you are gaining adult independance in handling your own bills as much as possible, and all people under a single roof, splitting up chores as evenly as possible. Sometimes it can't be totally even as one works more hours and has less time but no matter what, if maids can be afforded, then things aren't all that drastic financially and I wouldntd consider finances to be stress that is affecting her.
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My first concern is about your mom. Is her behavior towards you new or just different then before your boyfriend moved in. What I'm asking is has she always had a level of hostility towards you.
One reason for her change in attitude towards you could be medical and you should talk with your dad about getting her to her doctor for a complete physical. Not to scare you but brain tumors can cause a radical change in behavior and need not be cancerous to do so.
The other reason for the way she is could be is the fact that your boyfriend is sleeping in your room and you are having an adult relationship with him under her roof and not married. Yes she did give her permission and now may be conflicted about it. I can't say as I don't know you mom. Though from what you write I can see she is conflicted about you staying in her home or moving out with him.
You are 22 you are no longer a child you are definitely and adult entitled to all adult activities and responsibilities which include a sex life.
If you and your boyfriend can afford to move out and live on your own then that is the best course of action to take. You are doing the right thing by putting together a budget to make sure the apartment you get is affordable for the last thing you want to do is argue over bills. Make sure you budget for everything you need including health insurance. If your employer offers health insurance then get on your employer's health plan. Open enrolment for next year will start soon.
Your best plan of action is to separate from you parents as much as possible monetarily as well as physically and start to have an adult relationship. Living in their home gives you mom the feeling you are still a child with childlike responsibilities to her.
YEs some of things she said you and your boyfriend should have or could have been done should have been done by both of you. Then again from what you write she treated him more as a guest then a resident or member of the family.
If you decide to spend more time at your house be sure to give her money for groceries and something towards rent. Be sure to take out the recyclables as well as the trash. Make sure the money you give her for groceries is close to the amount of food you eat. IF she gives the money back set it aside and buy her something nice with the money wham you find an apartment.
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