|
Did my dad sexually assault me (without knowing)?
I am a 14 year old female and this is my story (apologies for uncertain details as this happened a long time ago and I can't remember much about it). I'd like to start by saying both my parents are good people, my mum is one of the kindest people you will ever meet and my dad can be strict, but he means well and loves me lots. Both my parents care about me a great deal and would never intentionally hurt me. As a young child I used to wet the bed fairly frequently and get nightmares a lot, so I would sleep in my parents bed often to make me feel safe and to be able to sleep peacefully. Now I think I was about 5 or 6 when this happened. I'm not entirely sure why I wanted to sleep in my parents bed this night, but I'm pretty sure it was because I wet my bed. It was about the middle of the night when I woke my mum up requesting to sleep in her bed, and she complied and went to sleep on the sofa (I think to have more room to sleep). My dad is a deep sleeper and wasn't conscious when this was happening. ((Warning next part gets a bit graphic)) At some point in the night my dad started putting his penis in between my legs and rubbing it on my genitals. I'm pretty sure I didn't have any bottoms on from where I'd wet myself, but I might have. I don't think he penetrated me, but my memory is a bit hazy but I know his penis was definitely moving I between my legs. I was young and didn't understand that what was going on was wrong, for some reason I liked the feeling and not knowing anything about sex or incest I let him continue. I believe I fell asleep with his penis still between my legs. My dad obviously thought I was my mum because he wasn't aware we'd switched, and in a half asleep state was trying to be intimate with what he thought was his wife. His eyes weren't open when he was doing this so he didn't see it was me. When I woke up again in the same position part of me knew what had happened was wrong, but still not understanding the situation. I carefully detached myself from my dad and bolted out of the room. I thought I was going to get in trouble, so that's why I left. A few minuets later my dad came into my room asking where mum had gone. I told him she had gone to sleep on the sofa (but I didn't say I slept in their bed as to avoid 'getting in trouble'). I could tell he was really confused, in his perspective his wife had just randomly left to go and sleep on the sofa (I'm not entirely sure if he even remember what had happened but I think he did, although he still thought it was with his wife not his daughter) it must've been confusing. When I went to school I spent the whole day in a state of utter anxiety, I knew my dad was going to ask my mum what had happened and when she told him I stayed in his bed if he did remember then he would put two and two together and realise he'd been intimate with his daughter. However when I got home nothing was said about it, so I just assumed I was off the hook and didn't question it. I'm 14 now and nothing has been brought up about it ever since. So I still don't know if my dad knows, or if my mum and my dad know. Either I'm the only one who knows, my dad also knows and hasn't told my mum and just pushed it aside, or both my parents know and decided to leave it thinking I would probably forget about it if I remembered at all. I vaguely remember asking to sleep in my parents bed again and my mum saying no incase my dad thought I was her. Nothing like this has happened since but the constant not knowing whether they know is driving me crazy. I've never told anyone about it, I'm too scared to be judged, and it wasn't my dad's fault and I don't want people wrongly accusing him of being a paedophile because of what happened. I'm too scared to bring it up to either of them because if they don't know it would be so awkward. I am definitely traumatised because of what happened, it will randomly come into my mind and always make me feel upset and guilty. It's making my life a real struggle, and I know it sounds silly it's just so difficult- I see my dad everyday and he's so loving and caring, to think that we were intimate together makes me feel physically sick. So to link back to the question, does this count as sexual assault? Because although I didn't object I was only a minor not aware of what was happening, but my dad didn't know it was me he was being intimate with. Also what should I do? It's eating away at me keeping this inside but I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone and I don't want my dad to get in trouble for something that wasn't his fault.
All answers will be really appreciated, and I'm sorry this is so long- I had a lot to get off my chest. Thanks.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Let me start by saying from what you have written I don't believe your dad intentionally sexually assaulted you. In the strictest terms of the words you were not. If as you say your dad is a deep sleeper he would not have known you were in bed with him. The question that would be asked if this was ever to come to light would be ; could he have known the difference between you little legs and you moms mature legs in his sleep.
That would be a judgment call on whoever would be making that decision for there is no way to know for certain what your dad felt or did not feel. You have already made the determination your father did not assault you and I would suggest you continue with that determination as there is no right or wrong answer to this question.
I believe you mother and father know what happened while you were in bed with him. It is probably something that is normal between them. Again whether you dad knows for certain that it happened only he knows for sure. What your dad did with you would be perfectly normal between adult couples.
Since you are having difficulty with this I would suggest you try and get some counseling to help you put this in the proper prospective. Whatever you say in counseling stay with the therapist and will never be repeated to anyone including your parents without your written consent.
]
He clearly had no idea what he did and even if he figured it out afterwards, he probably thinks or hopes that you don't remember it because you were little. You have a caring and loving father and no, I don't think that counts as sexual assault. I understand how you have some sort of a trauma now and I assume you think about it everytime you look at your dad. But what's past is past. Don't dwell on it. Try not to feel guilty because you definitely aren't. You were too little to understand what was happening. You just have to move on. A part of me wants to tell you to talk to your parents about it openly but I don't think you'd be comfortable at all doing that. Sometimes some things are just better left unsaid and in the past. But if you continue to have struggles and guilty thoughts and problems about it in the future, then the best solution would be to tell someone about it, especially your parents so you can work things out.
Wish you the best! :)
]
More Questions: |