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My Family Won't Let Me Move Out!
I'm 18 years old and my friend suggested that I move in with her while I finish school. I wanted to because my family constantly yells at me and brings up mistakes in the past that I've made for something even as simple as not being allowed to date. I have calmly approached my mother, and several other members of my family about this (my siblings are all 25+ and haven't dated or left home, besides one who moved out years ago.) and they, especially my mother, just blow up and yell at me without listening. I've known this friend for over eight years and trust her and her family. My mother said one reason I'm 'not allowed' to go is that she can't keep track of what I'm doing and when I said I could tell her every day, she just got mad and said from now on she wouldn't talk to me. I don't have a lisence or a car, and can't have a job yet due to school, but my mom always tells me how lazy I am and that she doesn't want me to move because I only think of good things and will do things I'm not supposed to. My friend said that three days before school, I should pack my things, at least what's most important to me, and have them pick me up to go to their house, without my family's knowledge. My mother refuses to listen to me and everyone else sides with her. Should I do it? I'm really scared because I've never done anything without her permission but I'm sick of being guilt tripped or yelled at every time I bring this up? Also, what if my family never forgives me, or (I'm sure my dad would do this) goes to my friend's house and yells at them, for which my friend said they could call the police, which I don't want. If anyone could give me advice on this, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
The problem is NOT with moving out but rather with the why you want to move out. Yes, Advice Man below is right. At 18-years-old you can move out on your own and live life the way you want to and with whom you want but the question is should you?
Your parents may yell at you and siblings too but is there a reason for anger back and forth that you have left out here? I think there must be. No matter where you move, when or how the bad relationship with family will continue to haunt you in some way if not addressed now. Perhaps you should get counseling on your own or jointly to try and repair the rupture and trust issues at the core of this issue.
Just because your siblings are 25-years-old and moved out at X,Y, Z age doesn't mean at 18 that you should because you legally can. They may have been more mature at that age, had a job, license, money or a way around and perhaps education of some sort and a job. Let's be fair you don't have any of those things yet.
Your mom is trying to give you a reality check that lacking a job, money, an education and transportation cannot and doesn't get you very far in the world alone if at all. She doesn't want to see something bad befall you or for you to be in a situation neither or you can fathom. Maybe you have given her reason in the pass to fear this or you doing things you shouldn't do that lead to trouble. That I don't know. Maybe she is concerned about drugs and sex not so much with you but people you would be with. Again with the hypothetical.
You say she doesn't listen to you but have you shut her voice out completely so as only to hear your side and same with siblings? I think they care for you more than you know and accept.
If you were under 18 and had anyone pick you up and take you anywhere and not divulge to your family or police where you went you would be in a lot of trouble and so would they legally even if they were well intended.
Here's what you should do. As an experiment have your friend's family approach your parent's and point out that they know you are 18-years-old now and legally able to leave. Have them mention they know about all the tension and anger built up and thought that if you lived with their daughter and them for a little while that maybe you would see if being on your own was what you wanted and needed.
Have it on the condition that you report daily by phone which isn't much of a request and that they know your whereabouts but won't intrude unless in physical or medical trouble and that can be communicated to her and others. You could then try and make a go of life not under their rule.
It should also hinge on finding good grades, finishing school and on weekends finding a job some place and only use them for bare necessities. See if you can cope. That's the best thing. Regardless, you need your mom and siblings in your life.
Find a way to resolve all the issues even if professional help is the way. There's an elephant in the room that you haven't told us about when it comes to what is going on exactly in the family right now to make you want out and done with people completely.
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IF you live in the U.S. and are 18 years of age or older your parents are no longer legally responsible for you. Meaning they no longer can control what you do just by saying you can't do it. Most parent keep control over children that are over the age of 18 through the child's dependency. Meaning most children are not prepared to go out in the world and support themselves. They still need the support their parents have been giving them since they were born.
If you were to move out your parents cannot come and drag you home. They cannot report you as a runaway. They do not have to buy you clothes or pay for any medical or dental needs you have. They also do not have to pay for college. These are the things you lose by moving out or could lose by moving out.
As I said your parents cannot legally stop you from moving out if you live in the US but think carefully before you do. I do not know your parents you do. What do you lose by moving out. Are you capable of supporting yourself? Will your parents still supply your basic needs if you move out? This is what you have to think about before you move out.
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