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A friend break?
Im 24 F and my best friend is 21 F. We've been friends for about two years and things were great. I also have a past of depression. Im also on Zoloft. So when I drink sometimes my emotions are out of control for the fact that im taking an antidepressant and then drinking is a depressant. Im so tired of trying to hold my friend up for the struggles shes going through nevermind trying to better myself. My best friend is beautiful and I would die to have her body and everything about her but she is so insecure. She literarily goes on a date with two different guys every week from tinder. And it bothers me, and she doesn't want to tell me her experience because I'm kind of a bitch about it because it makes me angry. Shes been single for about 2 months and I feel like shes trying to hard to get a boyfriend. It bothers me because I care so much about her and I don't think a guy is going to make her happy. Last night I was at her house and she had me and another girl over and some guy shes talking to. I was annoyed because im starting to feel like everytime we hang out she doesn't want to spend time with me she always has to have another person to hang out with us. Anyway, she had this guy come over and he was really attractive, and it made me feel bad about myself. Ive been single for a year and haven't dated anyone and watching her sit on this guys lap and be all over him made me feel sad. I was drinking and I was jealous. I was suppose to sleep at her house last night but I was tired, and that guy was still there. So I told her I was going to drive 40 mins to go home so she could spend time with this guy. She felt bad and knew I was upset, but its my own insecurities it makes me feel worse about myself, like wow is anyone ever going to like me? Probably not because im not as pretty, and im annoying, and im worthless are all the things I'm putting in my head right now. I cried my mom on the way home balling my eyes out saying that its so hard to keep friends, and if it wasn't for her and my dad I don't want to be on this earth anymore. My friend has a lot of aniexty and it stresses me out. For an example, I have another friend. My first friend gets mad at me when I hang out with friend #2 and is like "your replacing me" or "thanks for inviting me" and im like you have your friends why cant I have mine? I have to block friend number 1 from everything on social media when I hang with friend number 2 because I try and avoid conflict. When I left my friends house I told her I didn't want to tell her why I was upset because shes going to through it back at me and be like "well I don't want you to come over because im going to have this guy over." And its annoying. im tired. I didn't realize how hard it is to have friends. All my life I wanted friends and now that I have them I don't want any. its so hard like I can't go here or go there because what if she gets mad. She also gets in fights with me over everything. I told her she needs to chill with the boys and she just continues to fight with me and I try to end the conversation but shell keep bringing things up its annoying. I don't know what to do. How do I be more supportive of my friend, and are my feelings accurate about being sad?
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Let's deal with you first and foremost. Being someone who knows a fair deal about mental health problems and medication first hand I must recommend stop drinking alcohol period. Don't consume anything but water, juice and soft-drinks now and again on this medication. You can get away with the level of alcohol in ONE beer per what doctors told me on my journey but why bother?
You are right an anti-depressant on top of a depressant and especially with Zoloft isn't good for it can heighten your level of depression, make the symptoms more severe, it can increase your anxiety, make you more tired than you were, cranky and unable to stop and be still. It affects your blood to medication levels. My own doctor told me never drink when on any psychiatric or anti-depressant med to avoid problems.
If you don't want to be on Earth anymore about anything let alone anything fixable or that can and will change than we have a real problem here and it goes back to your illness and medication. Are you really managing it right? That and not what your friend did/didn't do last night is where he worthlessness anxiety, inadequacy and feeling you cannot or aren't worthy of friends etc.
As far as your friend goes it's pretty bad and rude that she had the guy she didn't even know over and got into that kind of behavior. It's also dangerous if he's straight off a dating app to have him in her place alone or to tell you she didn't want you there. Tell her how you feel on both issues. She's more insecure than you believe me if after any and all potential suitors after being without a boyfriend for a few weeks.
I think part of the problem is that both of these people don't think that you have a backbone and walk over you taking advantage at times.
You need to tell the insecure person that you value her friendship and have no intention of ever replacing her for someone else or intentionally leaving her out as you have dealt with that yourself. However, let her know that just because you invited someone else somewhere and not her doesn't mean you wanted to exclude her.
Sometimes you need to be alone with someone else or her when people clash or have different interests or you promised your time. If she cannot see that it's not your fault and you need to see that's always the deal with her and accept it or decide she's too much. For now I would keep them both as friends but realize as time goes on to look at other people.
This brings me to my next point you are capable of friends and deserve them and are not deficient in any way or lacking the ability to be liked and accepted. You have been looking at yourself through an extremely dirty window for years and seeing a distorted view of self. I know you are pretty. Time to see it and embrace the real you.
People pick up on something they can't place as being wrong and don't approach you as easily because you don't appear secure. The moment you wake up to this fact and that it can and will change is when things will start to take off for you.
I think what you should do is call your doctor pronto and mention the Zoloft you are on and still feeling worthless, friendless, incapable of love or friends or a real purpose. Ask for more support,changing levels and access to workshops or anything that improves social skills, faith in self and coping skills. Ask them to fine tune your medication and make sure it's right.
I'm not a doctor and won't and can't diagnose what you need a psychiatrist for but from experience if you are feeling worthless or don't want to live that it's usually a sign your medication isn't right or you need more medical intervention and support to become well again. There's nothing wrong about getting it all checked out.
Support groups for your age group and mental health issue exist usually at the hospital or outside programs if you ask. You can make lasing friends there that are in the same boat, needing friends and non-judgmental of one another. That could help you a lot.
I think what I would do is have your parents act as a buffer zone. Have them answer your calls, leave e-mails alone for a few weeks and tell people you haven't been well.
See the doctor and rest getting yourself to feeling well and only go to work and home and do whatever you like to alone and not worrying about anything or anyone. It's a real chance to pitch the stress and have your depression and feelings more in check than before. I've done it myself.
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I'll say this much, for anyone to invite over a practical stranger they met on line and be on their lap practically making out while you have your best friend present is actually in very bad taste. Bot surprising since a great part of society has no clue what manners are anymore. All you have to tell her is that next time she wants you to meet a guy she's met, let it be a casaual public thing like at a coffee shop.
Ofcourse since she's not able to duplicate herself and have one of her go off to the movies with you while the other sits at home on the lap of her latest love, then she really should not even be trying to attempt this. Let her know you dont care to witness any couple 'gettng into it'. A chaste kiss in public by a couple shouldnt be bothering to anyone.
I don't see how you need a break from her. But then what are you trying to accomplish with this break? You must have reasons. Is it to teach her a lesson to treat you better? If she has such low self esteem, then until that is cured, she's going to continue to be this way. Are you trying to discover what your tolerance level is for being around her? How long can you go and be okay without seeing her? If this is going on, then perhaps she just isn't the right kind of person for you to have as a friend if you are miserable every time you're with her. If hoping that not seeing her for a while will make her change into the perfect friend to get you back, thats not how it works. Change is scary for all humans. We are more like hobbits, creatures of our comfort and the familiar and nothing external can really change us. Yes, we may look at others or listen to counselors for examples of how to be different, be better but it starts deep inside with wanting to address whatever issues are holding one back, willing to admit one has a problem first, wether its shyness, low self image, distorted thinking, anger problem, acting too rashly, etc... the list is long. I'm just tossing out some of the most common reasons a person may be acting a certain way that is irritating to others. Until she realizes that everything she's trying, or her choices of finding guys each week doesnt really make her feel any better she'll keep doing anything to keep her busy so she doesnt have time on her hands to actually actively begin to seek answers.
I hope I don't offend with the next but I've been there in this situation too so I know its an issue. Often we are irratated and get upset with the people closest to us, family and frends, is we see reflected in them, the same or somewhat the same issues in them that we know we are dealing with ourselves. When I now find myself irritated at a person for doing .......
whatever, I look next at myself and ask myself if I tend to have that same issue in another way. It can be hard to see it in oneself but if we could, we then realize its nothing more than a version of the blind leading the blind. Maybe not that bad but one who hasn't mastered something in life, angry or upset with a friend who is pretty much in the same boat. Comparing that one is worse off than the other doesnt help. Thats like a Senior in Hs getting upset with a fourth grader for not passing a test they struggled with too but passed because they knew more and such.
You did mention right at the start being depressed and on Zoloft. It makes me wonder if you beleive your depression has something to do with you contemplating a break from your friend. All I can say here is that with no changes for the better depression wise, even on meds, not having a friend around might be even harder on you. I dont know. You know yourself best.If you want to try it, go ahead, no ones gonna stop you. See how it goes. There wnot be any good changes and any changes most likely will leave you feeling worse if not her also.
You can't change and fix her. All you have the power and control to change in life is yourself and how you interact and react to life. There are always choices. Do you want to continue using Zoloft or if there was something other than medications that some psychologosts are now using to treat and heal people with depression and anxieties. But you have to find the right doctor to get a chance to try this therapy, CBT as its called. If interested, let me know and I'll share how it helped me overcome severe social anxiety and books you can read on topic, and a website dedicated to people feeling good instead of depressed. Good luck.
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