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How can I resolve issues in bed with my new boyfriend?
I've been seeing my current boyfriend for about a month and a half now, but didn't start having sex with him until he made us official. Since then I've had sex with him a handful of times and I'm just not enjoying it which is a bit shocking to me, because I really enjoyed the sex with my ex and considered myself to have a high sex drive.
I think half of it is mental for me. I feel like he almost expects sex now because I can usually predict when he's going to start making a move for it. However, I know this isn't really true because I've said no before and he totally respected my decision and we went on about the night cuddling and everything. I think part of this is that my exes have always constantly wanted sex anytime they saw me and I would feel pushed into it or like I had to.
Another issue is I'm still nervous about doing it with him and just trying really hard to make him happy. He's had 4 sexual partners before me and I've only has 2 so I'm also really stressed out about that. I'm scared I don't measure up to them and it's always on my mind in the bedroom.
The other half is physical. I really need foreplay to get aroused. I'm not like those girls in the movie who can just be prepared to have sex anytime anywhere. I'm trying so hard to make him happy though that I've just been submitting to him for the most part when he wants it and I'm not ready and it winds up being really painful for me (which I haven't told him). It doesn't help that I'm very petite so already I'm smaller than most girls. He's larger than the other men I've been with too.
He keeps offering to do oral on me first, but I'm not comfortable with that with him yet. My exes considered going down on a girl as "disgusting" so that's kind of stuck in my head now and whenever he tries I immediately get very uncomfortable and stop him.
I do like being fingered, but I don't know how to bring this up to him. He's tried a little bit before, but he doesn't really seem to know how to do it right and it winds up not feeling like anything.
If I was prepared, I feel like the sex would be great because he's into all kinds of positions and can last for quite a long time, but I've just been in so much pain and afraid to tell him that I haven't gotten off at all where as he.
I was also thinking we should probably buy lubricant because I keep getting dry (which is weird for me too because usually I get really wet and stay that way) but again I feel like this is a really awkward thing for me to ask.
How do I go about resolving these issues? I'm so upset about it that I'm not comfortable having sex with him again unless I can figure out how to make it better because I'm sick of being in pain.
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The key here is to RELAX. Let whatever you have been worked up about out of your mind because if you are super tense in your approach to sex you can't possibly enjoy it with any partner.
You need to communicate and be honest with him that your previous experience is limited and were fearful he would envision his previous partners or some fantasy girl because you weren't satisfactory or as experienced as him.
I'm 100% positive he isn't thinking this but you need to let him know you feared it for reassurance. How do I know? He keeps wanting to engage in it with you. Odds are you are all the partner he really wants.
I think he knows that something is troubling you and that you aren't having a good time and that's why he's offering to do X, Y, Z act. You need to tell him that it's hurting because you are dry and that you need a lot of foreplay but are in to trying positions and different things once you feel comfortable and can relax. That's all it is being relaxed with him and telling him what you need and in the end it will work out. As for the pain try a lubricant as it doesn't sound like aroused how could you be? If that doesn't work asking an OB/GYN why intercourse is painful when it wasn't before may be helpful.
Also, if there is something you really enjoy and he doesn't know about there's nothing at all wrong in telling him about it as it may make things more enjoyable for the both of you and guiding him.
It's unfortunate that your previous partners were immature and found certain sexual practices which society deems as normal to be downright disgusting and give you this mental block or idea there's something wrong with you or it. Just because they acted that way to it doesn't mean that he would to you. If it's something you both want communicate and work towards. You should tell him how your partners made you feel about it in past. He'll get it.
I think you need to relax, talk with your boyfriend about past experiences, hang ups and realize you are with a person who cares and wants you as comfortable with this and him as possible.
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As Adviceman said, sex is a major part of a relationship and good communication in a sexual relationship is vital. I will share my thoughts concerning each issue you mentioned starting with the possibility it might be part mental for you.
Actually, sex and getting aroused is largely a mental thing and our brain is our greatest sex organ.How we feel emotions wise is largely due to what is going on for us in our physical world. Take for example watching a romantic movie and you end up feeling romantic, or better yet, you watch a sad movie, you know its just a script and its actors but you still cry when something sad happens or something bad or abusive makes you feel anger toward a character, even tho its just an acted part.
Thats how closely our actions and emotions follow our thoughts.
As for males wanting sex all the time, well whether it's even feasible at t he moment or whether he's just had sex, men if they have a female they are aroused by, will always want sex or some kind of closeness if there isn't privacy at the time. Sometimes it isn't even about the sex but about being wanted by their female and loved by her. So I have found, its how I treat my man and touch him and talk to him during the portion of the day or evening when we are not going to have sex.
However... Just because a guy enjoys and craves sex with a female doesnt necessarily mean he loves or is in love with her. Men can experience lust or love with sex and women see sex as the vehicle to getting a man's devotion. It doesnt work that way for men. Theres always an exception to the rule but most men whose heart hasn't fallen in love with a woman can still have sex and not experience love or grow to love her because of it. So whether he makes a move for it, and. Sex is important in the beginning for reasons other than being in love. Attraction is the first thing one feels. Its when we act on that attraction and start spending time with a person to get to know them better, we find whether we have enough in common to make it work or not. This doesnt just apppt to the every day best friend part of a relationship but the sexual lover part as well. You have to have enough in common sexually to make it work.
One big difference that can occur is one person having a lower libido and the other a higher one. This means one partner doesnt want or need sex as often as the other. Beither is wrong, just different. Whats important is to be with someone similar so one doesnt feel that sex is the only thing to the relationship and the other isn't frustrated that they aren't getting the amount they need. It shouldn't have anything to do with reassurances that one cares about the one but is actually an act one does out of the caring and love in their heart felt for the other. In the beginning, the love may not yet be there but develope in time, but sec, even before one has become an official couple isn't bad if the only expectation there, as I have had, was to determine simply if I had enough in common with a man sexually before I invested more time to the relationship. I learned this from first marriage where I was a virgin and he was totally wrong for me sexually.
You have a misconception that just because someone has had more lovers than another, that means they have more sexual experience. Don't worry, a lot of people, including myself, belieed that once upon a time when I was younger and not as experienced life wise.
The truth is the basics are all the same, like the mechanical putting the round peg in the round hole part, but all people are unique in what they like and don't like, what it takes to get them in the mood, get ready for intercourse, etc. Basically, other than intercourse, I have had to learn anew each new sex partner and this can't be a guessing game. You need a partner who also understands that each new partner is a new learning experience. What worked for 2 or 10 past lovers may not work for the current one. This is one situation that forces 2 individuals back to the starting point. You start over with each new person, finding what works for them. This is an area where no ones special needs are right or wrong, just what works for them and must be accepted as such, no comparisons to others. Its fruitless....like comparing apples to oranges and whats better. YEs...pun intended.
You said you're afraid you don't measure up to 'them', the word you used, instead of him. So this issue isn't about worry with the new partner but one you've had with both the past ones as well. YOu are so concerned about the rules and how to's that you aren't allowing yourself to relax and enjoy and learn along the way. It is not a statement of admitting one is lacking experience or just stupid to ask ones partner, "Could you explain as we go if anything I do doesnt feel good to you in this blowjob." He should then tell you if there's anything that doesnt feel good the moment you do it. But he also must give hints as to what he'd like you to try instead. If a strong sucking motion was loved by ex partner but is painful to the new one, it does not reflect on your ability to do something well. Many people take it personally as lacking skill and the last partner never leveled with them. Your partner has as much to learn about you as he did with ex partners in the arena of sex. YOu are not going to be exactly the same as the past female. Its takes a person being confident enough in themselvbes to be willing to be instructed and open to learning something new. You don't come into a relationship knowing magically whats going to work on the other. Some things, a couple discoveres by accident after they've been together a long time. For example, one day I starting humming cus I liked the feeling as I gave oral sex. My husband commented to me that he especially liked that, the vibrations caused by my humming felt erotic to him. It might not have for past lovers, I don't know. But I mentally added that 'technique' to the repertoire of what workds so I always have a little something different I can do at times so it doesnt become a routine thing that is finally no longer special because its too predictable.
So as Adviceman said, you need to be communicating your needs to him and he needs to be doing the same. Not telling him something is as harmful to a sexual relationship as telling a perosn in the wrong way.
Heres an example of what I mean. No one likes being told that something they are doing is quite up to par. THeres personal pride involved in life in genergal but its even more crucial when talking about the sexual areana. If I said to my husband. "Stop fingering me like that, you're doing it wrong, Do this instead...." I have just possibly killed his libido and desire for the time being. Imagine him too saying something like what you are doing feels good one everning and the next he is saying to stop, you're hurting me or it doesnt feel good. You'd be confused. You might feel inadequate too. It worked before, how come not now and heres where communicating without placing blame is very important. You don't accuse a partner of doing something wrong, just explain what you felt. And its good to have a 'safe' word or sound you make and all activity stops in case it doesnt feel good. We both just speak the word "Ow". Its been a great help when a certain intense action in wild sex feels good one moment but a split second later, your body is recognizing that same action as pain not pleasure. I can't exmplain why mechanics wise, but perhaps anything past a certain intensity can natuallly switch from pleasure to pain...Think of it like sunshine, you can enjoy a day out in it, but there comes a point in time where all of a sudden your skin is itching or hurting and you discovered you've gotten to much. Now you have sunburn.
The only way your current partner is going to become a better lover for you is with you communicating your needs and it might help if both are on the same page as far as having a good education sense of the anatomy differences of amles and females as far as their functions and functionalitys. There are still many myths regarding sex and the abilities of both sexes.
For example, if a male didn't experience women who can gush, not just get wet, he may erroneously believe that the current lady just peed on him. Depending on whether he enjoys the idea or is disgusted with it, there begin problems. Some women are born with a connecting tube that allows them to ejaculate externally like men. Women who don't have this, which doesnt develope in utero, will still have the orgasm and ejaculate but that fluid instead of leaving body immediately cycles into the bladder and is emptied out later with the urine. So I always was careful to let a new lover know ahead of time that I tend to gush, depending on how my body feels at the time. I remember a guy who said ddhe understand that but when I gushed he looked worried and says, "Did I break something? Did I hurt you?" I laughed so hard it took me a while to explain that this is what I had communicated to him. His perception though was thinking I meant that I get really wet with the fluid that lubricates me before sex. One can try to ex plain and be misunderstood still. So communication is importnat.
He needs to know that even though he's willing and you like fingering, its not working best for you yet and you're willing to keep trying if he is doing slight differences to see what works. My ex could never do it with me but everyone else, even if they couldn't do it well with me at first, evertually as they learned my body, learned what worked on me. ANd sometimes you cant explain it ahead of time, only mention it as its happening. Oh, I really liked that dear, you can do that more often. Or if something isn't working, instead of I don't like that, "Hey, lets try something different. Try going a little slower with split second breaks your fingers are not in contact with my skin cus every time you stopped to rest a bit and restarted, what I felt was stronger then than if it was continuous with no brief stops to reset the tension level. He wasn't doing it wrong as there is no right and wrong ways, just many ways to do it. It just wasnt right for me. so making suggestions lets try this and if he's reluctrant, then you need to expalin why.
Tell him thankyou for offering oral but you need to get to a place in your mind where you are comfortable enough with him to do something like that. Perhaps you'll never like it with him but You loved it with exs. By the way, girls in movies and also in porn are far from reality. If a guy expects what he sees in romance movies or worse yet, porn movies, then he's on the wrong path. Some of those things one sees in porn are only insinuated at, the camera stopped or splicing done to make it appear that they've gone straight from anal sex back to vaginal sex or her going down on him without any cleaning being done inbetween. Its not possible, its foolish even to beleive that is normal. Women would have raging infections all the time with that practice but watching a scene of interrupted sex for the male to go to the bathroon, pee and then wash his privates thoroughly is not going to be an exciting a ttention grabbing part of a movie so its not done. This is how sexual misconceptions can start. Good communicatiing and lots of study of the area of sex and anything r elated, periods, birth control, etc...all become as important for him to understand as for you.
BTW, my ex husband didn't like going down on me either. I didn't get to experience that until I left him. So I was nervous also the first time but since he seemed to like doing that sort of thing, I didn't mention my past experience and decided to at least enjoy the sensations. It utrns out, it was my first orgasm given by a man. Never had them with my ex as we were never suited for each other passion wise or chemistry wise. ONe can do all the right things but one person doesnt arouse passion in you like another did/does. This is always a possiblity.
Since you mentioned lube and not getting as wet with this guy,,, it may not be a physical thing but more mental or vice versa. If I haven't had enough liquids during the day, it seems to often have impact on whether I get wet or not. My body may crave it but my mind is on worries of the day, so it won't always be quite the same each time. I look for what in general the sex is like with its better days than others.
I feel that since you are so concerned about not being found lacking in some way sexually and wanting so hard to please the guy that you've left yourself out of the equation??? I may be wrong but it sounds like you are more concerned with pleasing him and your past partners, than with seeing this as a two way street. Sure there are evenings or days, where we've decided, today is all about you dear and pleasing you, like one being the others sex slave. But its never about me having to always please him first before considering whether I might get anything out of it. I think if both partners are of a mind to wish to please their partner first and have them fully satisfied, then if both are making love that way to each other at the same time, both partners needs are getting met, without having to ask for it beucase each ones putting in their efforts to show their love in this one most special way they can. When we love someone, we don't want to see them hurt, or neglected, we want them to be happy. Often this is applied in other areas of life but forgotten or ignored in sex.
You also mention being petite and him a bit bigger than the others and feeling like all you need is to be prepared better.
Prepared or put into the mood for sex isn't going to be the total answer. Most guis are an average size of 5 to 7 inches in length. A few are less and a few are more. All women when not in an aroused state have a vagina on the average only about 2 to 4 inches long. So how does the bigger penis ever fit in? Its in the foreplay but not just any old foreplay, forepaly where he is working on you to give you a couple of orgasms before even entering you. SO that means its either clitoral or him fingering and getting the g-spot right. YOu may want to write me again if you want some specifics on what the g spot is, where its found and the vast amount of different things that work/dont work on it, and what things you can expect to feel. I don't mind sharing details as another female who also loved fingering. Lubricant is crucial and has nothing to do with a female not having ability to get wet. Some peoples personal bodys lubricant is just not lubricating enough or wears off fast, or the thicker lube fluid of earlier is washed away by a females more watery ejaculae leaving her too dry and needing to use lube again.
Try not to compare as its not fair.. What aroused you with one guy may not with the next. Looking back, I have favorites for certain things, each guy stood out in one area. one I liked the kissing with better, one whose tongue did the best job ever on oral sex, perhaps it was longer, stronger, the texture of the tongue different. Tho its good with the others, one still beats it out over the top better and not due to technique either. I've heard for example that men with a little curve to the penis upwoards have a better chance of hitting the A spot just at end of vagina at the top right before the cervix and its due to the shape. It doesnt mean it doesnt happen with other guys, just from my experience its happened easier or more often with the one shaped that way
Lastly, you take it all upon yourself again saying how you have to figure out how to make it better. Other than masturbating, sex isn't a solo sport once you have a sex parnter. Its not all about you figuring a way to please him and make things work. Its something you both need to do together. I once had a short term boyfriend who was too long for me to not cause pain in most positions. Because the penis was longer than the aroused length of the vagina, instead of ending just at the cervix, his thrusts took him to one side or the other of the cervix, it being solid ebough like a nose to glance blows off it to one side or the other. The problem with that is when the penis, at least in me, hit those pockets towards the sides, it hit nerves that created not only a great local pain but charely horse type cramping down the leg of whatever side he was ending up at.
This is definately something to discuss. tHERE
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The key to any good relationship is communication and this includes a sexual relationship. If I am a good lover I want you to enjoy it when we have sex. Sex since the early sixties and the sexual revolution has become a large part of dating and getting to know our partner. Compatibility in sex is a major factor in whether or not a relationship moves forward.
Problem is none of us come with handbooks we can just hand to one another that tells of our likes and dislikes both in and out of the bedroom. This is where good communication between the two partners is important. If sex alone is the basis of your relationship there will come a morning when you wake up and find you have nothing else in common.
You make some very valid points in your writing. Things that your partner need to know about you and things you should know about him. One of the first things my wife said to me when we first started having sex when we started dating was she was more vaginal then clitoral. Meaning she did not get excited by me rubbing or licking her clit. She preferred being fingered during foreplay. If she didn't tell me I would not have known.
She did not tell me this when we were in bed making love. We were crossing the street from the parking lot to her apartment. Funny the things you remember from 45 years ago, yes that is how long we have been married. It was a foregone conclusion we were headed for her bedroom and would most likely be tearing each others clothes off before we c=got there so it was good she told me when she did.
After we made love I asked he if there was anything else I should know. We had a long conversation about likes and dislikes and fantasies.
What I suggest is you sit your boyfriend down in the living room, fully clothed, after dinner, with a glass of wine if you two are old enough and talk to him. Tell him about how your ex's made you feel about oral sex,. some how I bet they loved blow jobs. Tell him about needing more foreplay and you need call it romance before you are ready for sex that you can't literally drop you pants and be ready.
If he is a great guy and loves you more than. just lusts for you he will adapt. As teenagers sex is more a game. As an adult sex is more of what it is meant to be two people getting to know each other in a most intimate way. TO do so requires communication.
Becoming dry is not unusual, it happens to all women. Lubricants will help. Becoming dry usually means you are doing just what you say your doing, accommodating him but not really in the mood. I think it is wonderful of you to do so but you should not experience pain doing so and lube would help.
My advice is to talk to him about your likes dislikes, fears and fantasies. Get him to talk to you about his. Most of all remember what ever happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of there bedroom is never weird.
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