|
Thanks
Both answers had good points. I liked your response. I gave her a graduation party last weekend. My two nieces were here and they basically helped me clean up etc. the following day I brought the cards out and said we could go through them. She immediately got defensive and said....I don't want you hovering over me like you did nathan ( my step son) I didnt want you to see what I got. I felt my husband should have corrected her then send there. But he didn't. He said I was controlling. I threw the cards on the table and she snorted off more...she HAS an attitude. I walked away and went to a different room. My husband then talked to her about not being so secretive about the cards. She did come into the room where I was and said that I could see what she got. I didn't go back in there....what I wanted to do was to help her address the envelopes. That's all. She's been working on writing out thank yous, but now there aren't any addresses. She can look them up herself, or call people for their addresses like I had to for her invitations. I'm tired of my husband going to her defense, and I'm tired of her complaining about me. One counselor told me to not do anything for her unless she asks. That's my new mantra. When we were first married she was in first grade. I decided to get a school record book for each step kid. Every fall I'd go through it with them. Record their weight, height, add their school picture, etc. I saved everything with her name on it...including medical information and insurance statements. She was in a hospital for 5 weeks in 2014. I saved some of those.she saw them in the book and went crying to my husband how hurt she was. All I can think of is she's old enough to deal with her own problems. Suck it up buttercup. If it bothered her. Remove the things she didn't like and throw them out. But no she goes to dad. I told him,what's she going to do next year when she's away at colegge and someone offends her....he won't be there to rescue her. He's not doing her or our marriage any favors. He's divorced (3 times) this is my first marriage and we have no kids together.m
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I agree with all of advice-mans suggestions. It would seem there really aren't any other choices. Realize that the s tep daughter isn't the only problem, her daddy is too.
You mentioned he was divorced 3 times already before meeting you. I can understand everyone having one divorce, meaning they learned what was wrong the first time and avoided that the next time around. If its taken 3 failed marriages to get to present time, I am very curious and wonder if you are too or even know what truly broke up the past marriages. In case it was issues between the daughter getting in between him and his wife, even the one who was her birth mom, then thats not a good track record. He's not willing to change anything he's doing that always ends in divorce. So if catering to the daughter and allowing her to disrupt his relationship with wife is that ingrained in him, there's little to no chance it will go better this time. I think if it was me in the situation, I would be doing some digging to find out what happened, or hire a private investigator who has ways of gaining access easily to all the paper records that could support what was going on. If I obtained proof that the divorces were totally or in part due to the daughter making him choose between her and wife, then most likely, I would divorce him also, right away. Why wait if I know nothing is going to be changed a handful of years down the line and it doesnt matter how old she gets and if not living at home. She and Dad have this kind of off kilter energy between them that will be there any time she comes over, for holidays, dads birthdya, whatever. If she continues to live there, its guaranteed to be a daily thing.
Lets say worst case acenerio, she dies in an accident. I am betting that since Daddy is the kind of person he is that even when gone, he will still speak more highly of her than you, and she'd still come between you, because he doesnt know how to have a normal healthy relationship with a woman and doesn't seem to care to. In his eyes, the daughter fills it all for him.
]
I have two thoughts on this questions. Children must come first even when they are not your biological children. They need to be nurtured and raised in a loving and caring home. From what you have written you score high on these points. Your husband on the other hand seems to be of the mind that the children always be first regardless of right or wrong or who it might hurt. This could be the reason he has been divorced three times.
By what you write he is not the type of person to change his way of dealing with those points that are coming between you especially those concerning his children. This is a character fault on his part and no amount of counseling will change him until he is ready to change.
Your choices are few;
1. You can learn to live with the situation. Not the best suggestion as I feel you are not the type of person who can live with a disruptive force in her home.
2. Take your step-daughter aside and lay down the law to her. Tell her that you know what she is trying to do and it is not going to work. That her dad is your husband and you love him and you love her and the other children as well. That you are not going to stand for her child like attempt to come between them and ruin your marriage. She is 19 and legally as parents you have fulfilled the requirements of parents. She is more than welcome to remain in your home as long as she behaves and is not a disruptive force between you and your husband. Otherwise she can leave and fend for herself.
Of course she will run right to daddy and tell him you told her to get out of your house. This is the tough part you stand your ground with your husband and tell him just what you said to her and that he needs to wake up and smell the roses. You love him and you love her but she is old enough to fend for herself and if she is going to continue to disrupt your marriage then either she straightens up and flies right or he chooses who goes and who stays.
3. Just throw in the towel. Find a place to live and move out. Tell your step-daughter she wins she can take care of her daddy from here on out your through.
None of these suggestions are ideal. It's your sanity and marriage at issue. Your husband is not going to change the way he is until he hits bottom. Suggestion 2 may just be enough to pull the rug out from under him to cause him to hit bottom when he realizes he is staring at divorce #4.
Of course suggestion #3 is the easiest solution if it is what you want. IT may be what your step-daughter wants. I don't think suggestion #1 will work at all for you for it leaves the door open to her to continue to come between you and your husband even after she moves out of your home.
These are only suggestions. It is your choice to follow any of them or come up with a different choice.
]
More Questions: |