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There is no one else in the world in my situation
I don't get along with either of my parents and never have. I have a lot of friends who have absent or distant fathers and in return have wonderfully nurturing relationships with their mothers. Then a couple of my friends have crazy, strict, militant mothers like mine, and turn to their fathers for emotional warmth. I've never felt like I could turn to either of my parents for support. I've always felt that they betrayed and hurt me equally and were way more concerned with their own relationship. My dad is now passed and my mom hasn't changed toward me since. She is still either very passive or very cruel toward me; never warm and kind and loving. I am a 24 year old girl/woman and am extremely independent. I have some close friends and I am lucky for that but I still feel so alone. I don't have a boyfriend, but have searched far and wide for love and haven't found it and believe I never will. To be honest, the whole strong, feminist, independent woman thing is starting to feel superficial. I'm starting to feel ashamed that this is who I've become. I've protected myself for so long by being strong, but it turns out all this hard work has been to my detriment. Is this just the plight of the strong woman? I'm so young--I should have boyfriends and be attached to my family like everyone else. I'm ashamed that I live alone and have the personality of a widowed 80 year old. My closest friends tease me all the time for my old soul and I take it as a compliment but I'm starting to feel shameful and worthless about it. My facade of strength is apparently "off-putting" to men and may cause me issues in my work down the line. Automatically I have trained myself to say "fuck them" but deep down do I really feel that way? Why can't I have a loving family to lean back on like every other girl my own age? Sometimes I just want to feel normal. Sometimes I just want to get on the phone with my mom or dad and have an emotionally charged conversation and have them coddle me and tell me everything's going to be okay. Sometimes I just want a boyfriend; one who understands me and will make me feel better. I am talented in a very competitive field but I don't feel like any level of talent/success will ever fill the void. That's why I am never happy or confident with my work. It is never enough and I've become greedy about it. Such a big part of my struggle is being a woman. When men feel a lack of love in their lives, they easily turn to success and business to fill the void. This is not quite as easy for a woman. In fact, it can hurt us, as society is put off by this and doesn't even want to reward this "bad behavior" with career success. Then we get labeled as "bitches" or "dykes." I am not a lesbian and the reason I know this is because I don't have sexual feelings toward girls. But then society will say things like, Birkenstocks and blazers are for "dykes" and those are things that I wear. As a result of these types of messages I haven't magically turned into a lesbian but it does negate my sexuality in a way. Sometimes, I just feel like a strong, independent, asexual freak. I'm still into men, but the world tells me I too blank blank blank to have one (or have one that I feel comfortable with and loved by) so I may as well forget about them and hate them.
My friends are great but I often feel around them like I am enclosed with sound-proof glass walls with no one who can break through and understand me.
What is my purpose in life if it isn't to love? Will I forever be this joke of a person who loves her alone time because she's "weird?" I am living in a society that values family and love and sexual reproduction. Deep down I desperately want these things and to be successful in my career. But with no true familial or romantic bonding in my life, I'm not sure I can accomplish any of it. Right now I feel like I could jump off a bridge and die. My mom tells me she doesn't like me, and never has, so maybe I'd at least make her life easier if I died. Maybe I should do this.
Any other women been in this situation before? Have you felt a complete lack of love from every single member of your entire family and no romantic relationship either? Did you perhaps experience this as a young woman and then a romantic relationship did or didn't fill the void later on? I have to know there is someone out there in my situation.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I cannot explain, at least not in a way this forum has the space to allow, why your parents treated you as they did. Some people just aren't meant to be parents. I would say they gave you all the things required of them as parents and for that you were luckier than some.
Where you find yourself now is because of your family life and the many defenses you built over the years to protect yourself from the love you were not receiving. It took 24 years to build the defenses up and it is going to take time and the right kind of help to tear them down.
You can never replace that with which you have never received. what you can do is as I have said learn to take down the defense and learn how to accept someone's love. By not receiving love you have not learned how to accept it and that I see as the problem you are having with men.
You could look at it this way. At the moment you are dancing but figuring out who is leading is the problem as you and he both want to lead and you have trouble not leading.
What I suggest is this. Call your Employer's EAP line. IF you have health Insurance you should also have an EAP program (Employee Assistance Program) This is a totally confidential program offered to assist employees with most any problem they may have. As for a referral to a psychologist. A psychologist is someone you can have talk therapy sessions with who can help you break down those walls of protection you have built. The psychologist is your new best friend someone you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to knowing full well they will never leave the room they are spoken in.
With the help of a good psychologist, and don't be afraid to change psychologists if your not comfortable with the first one you try, you can tear down those walls and learn to build the life you truly want.
Talk therapy and how it works is hard to explain. I have been in talk therapy never expected it to work but it did and I am very grateful and a better person for it.
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