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can't get over a crush
3 months ago, my crush of 3 years started dating someone
I'm 17, F
I miss him so much sometimes, and it feels like i've gone through a breakup but he never knew how much he meant to me
i still want to be his friend, because we've been sort of friendly acquaintances for the past 2ish years, but it hurts too much to talk to him. Also his girlfriend used to be my sorta friend, but now I can hardly handle talking to her...and she's with him most of the time which makes it worse...and now i've hardly talked to her for an entire semester
Some days I feel like I'm totally over him, but a lot of days I see him or think of him, or see something that reminds me of him, and then I want to cry, or I do cry (mostly when I'm at home)
I want to talk to someone right now about it but i'm home alone and my friends are all busy studying for exams, and don't want to be interrupted...I should be studying but I can't concentrate because I miss him too much right now
Why is it taking so long? I want to be over him, I want to be able to interact with him or see him or think of him or listen to his music(he's kinda in a band) without being so upset?
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Don't try to rush your feelings - getting over someone doesn't happen over night, it happens over time. There is no specific ways to get over someone, over time you just find that you think about them less and less. I think it would be best if you spend some time away from him to reflect on your feelings, it sounds like it's too difficult for you to be around him right now and as you said it's easier when you don't see him for a while. If you spent some time apart you might find that your feelings fade and you can go back to being friends.
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Our mind is a powerful thing. Many believe that what we can think of or imagine, that we can bring in to reality. There are many books on the subject like 'The Power of Positive Thinking'. So in essense, that we create that which we focus on thoughts on.
Your thoughts have been focused on this guy, your crush on him and the loss of his availability due to a friend of yours dating him now.
If we don't have some kind of plan to keep our thoughts from dwelling on negative things and situations, then the subconscious mind, where our emotions come from, will continue to dwell on just the negative and all the feelings that go along with it.
You wouldn't be the first to fall into this trap...a majority of humans all tend to dwell on negative thoughts at times. The key is how long they do it or allow it to go on. Those who know better, as you will now, know that we need to tell our subconscious to stop that thought process, basically retraining it. So what you want It to stop doing, you must replace with something else, something positive or at the very least the current facts.
Something you need to know about the subconscious mind is that due to it being where our emotions are stored, the subconscious mind (SCM) will react to sad or scary movies as if it were you in that scene experiencing the situation. This is why books, songs and movies can be so entertaining as they get our emotions involved. We may feel our heart pound in fear as adrenaline rushes, even though we personally are in no danger. But for the time that our conscious mind is focused on the scenerio in the movie, we feel true terror. The SCM can't help it. It doesn't always do well at separating fiction from reality.
So when you crush on someone, in reality, that is not a valid relationship but your SCM may see it as such with all the powerful emotions that go along with it. Our SCM's want to please us and see us happy and fulfilled so it looks to see what you focus most your conscious attention on and figures that means it is something you want and does it's best then to make you happy. Sometimes that comes in the form of dreaming about what you focus on so much. Sometimes, the emotions get so strong it prompts you to take action.
The only real problem is when due to anxieties, your mind focus's to much on your negative fears, like a fear of being in a major car accident. Of course no one wants that to happen, but your subconscious doesnt see your focus as being a result of an anxiety, it simply believes this to be something you want so badly, so it may try to influence you to not be as alert or careful when driving and eventually you end up in a car accident. This kind of stuff has been documented enough to write about in any literature pertaining to the the power of our thought, distorted thinking, and generally found in psychology related matter. Some of what I've read about the mind and psychology comes from ancient spiritual beliefs that address the body as a whole, not just the soul but the mind and heart working together with the soul.
So what you need to do is distract yourself, keep your mind so busy focusing on other stuff so you have no time to think about him. At least, that is the advice you will hear when you get a chance to talk to friends, or perhaps f rom others here online. In some cases it may work. But you have focused on this guy about two years, so long that at this point simply willing your conscious self to do so will not affect what your SCM is going to do. I have also read literature that suggests that since we all have 2 minds, the conscious and the SCM, and that they are so entirely different in their functions and their jobs inside us, that they are much like 2 separate entities, like two different people inside one body and that they should be thought of and thus treated so.
In effort to help you, I suggest you think of your SCM as a separate you inside of you with its own name. Lets say your name is Mary, and perhaps you name your SCM Lisa. When I read this and a friend asked what my SCM's name was, I got only half way thru saying, I didnt have a clue before a name popped into my mind. Actually, it was more like an indignant tone of voice for being not taken seriously when I heard, “My name is Sherry.” (not real name) And I have called her that since. You may feel silly talking to yourself if you haven't a habit of doing so all your life as I. Me and my scm were already on a friendly basis so I could simply begin to tweak a few things with her.
But there are people who want one thing but do the opposite, doing what jeopardizes them having a chance at what they want, and this is because they are of two minds. Ever hear that expression about being of two minds? Yes, it's fighting, a war between your conscious and SCM.
So if you're to get anywhere in getting past the current situation and doing better in the future, you may want to consider becoming friends with and being on the same page with same goals as your SCM.
Talk aloud to it. Address her by name or ask her what her name is and if you get nothing, then let her know you will assign her a name and if she doesn't like it, she can tell you later what it is. Treat her in talk as a best friend, not a servant to do your bidding. Remember she will have lots of feelings too.
Tell her that currently he's dating and not available. Tell her you're sorry for not being brave enough to respond to her promptings to approach the guy and ask him out. Let her know you want to work together with her in the future. Let her know what you want right now, to not feel bad when in his presence, to not feel so hurt and disappointed and you want her to help you focus your thoughts on things other than him, like school studies.
Lastly, I share an example of how I helped my SCM concerning a dentist appt. My SMC knew I had some bad experiences in the past with dentists. But I also never spoke up and said anything to the dentist so it was partly my fault. So when the day came closer, my anxieties rose and all my thoughts were ones of fear as I focused only on that. Then I remembered how I need to talk to my SCM so I said we could help each other go thru the process. I told her, you don't have to be afraid yet, the appt isn't til tomorrow. And the fear went away. The next day, the fear came back. I told her, no need to be afraid yet, cus we're not at the dentist office yet. Once we were, I said, we're only in the waiting room, or we're only in the exam chair getting xrays....always putting off the fear. And once the dentist was ready to start, fear came rushing in again and I told her, its okay, relax, if I feel even the slightest pain, I will let the dentist know I need more novacain and from that day on, I have never had any fear of the dentist, because I took the time to acknowledge the fear I felt as not just being mine but coming from my SCM. IF you take this approach to all things in life, you'll find you have a happier, less stressful life. Good luck dear. I'd like to hear back someday as to whether this helped you or not.
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