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Selfish Friend
(Girl, 15) Hi. I have this on and off friend of 4 years. But now, she is really annoying. She is basically coping everything I do, and she only talks about herself and her problems. Sometimes she is a great person, but most of the time she gets on my nerves. Should I keep her as a close friend?
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I agree that people who copy others all the time on everything have low self esteem. Basically, she looks up to you and probably wants to be more like you. Copying hairstyles,, clothes, mannerisms etc... will not help her and yes it is annoying but she has needs that are not being filled or she is lacking in some things.
Dumping her altogether will only reinforce her low esteem and make her worse. You need a circle of friends and not her as the only one. If she is one of a handful you see regularly all the time, then it shouldn't feel like like a burdon if you are the only one she hangs around.
Try to place yourself in her shoes. Ask yourself what your life would be like if you were her and let your imagination flow. It helps if you can ask her the right questions since she likes to talk about herself. Although I am sure the things she shares is what she hopes others will believe is true for her. Unless you have practically lived at her house on weekends, you may not really know why she is the way she is.
Here is one possible scenerio and there are many others. She may be starved for love and attention from her parents. It could be that one of her parents is a work-a-holic and never around to pay attention, have a relationship with, even just a listening ear, the other parent may be unhappy in the marriage and all their frustration and anger is let out on the kids,, so she may never get a kind word. She may interpret this mistreatment or retreat to a job as parents not happy with her, that there is something wrong with her which isn't true. If you had parents like that, what do you think you would be doing? YOu'd be looking for attention and love elsewhere. See if she will reveal what home life is Really like and only then will you know what you can do to help. YOu cant be the only one who reaches out to her. Perhaps she'd be a good candidate for the big sister program. Maybe with you going along for moral support, she'd be willing to talk to a school counselor if the problems are really bad. I know my parents were like a second set of parents to one of my friends who had parents who fought all the time and my house was the better place to be. Maybe she just needs a place to get away sometimes, not every day and your mom could give her the attention she so badly needs.
It doesnt have to be all that involved so dont get scared, but there's always a story behind each persons behavior. Find out hers and then decide if its something you can handle or do anything to help or not.
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Perhaps her self-esteem is really low and that is why she "copies" what you are doing, wearing etc to try and fit in. She may not be aware that she talks too much especially about herself and problems and that it turns people off.
Perhaps talking to her politely about how certain people respond to her may help her see what to change so she an fit in easier. You have to think about what she may be dealing with and about social skills not being good and people rejecting her. Don't be one.
Talk to her as all of this can be ironed out. There's obviously a reason why she is a close friend and you wanted her around up until now. Remember what it was and try to get back to that together.
I can't tell you what to do but I would be on the side of trying to save something first before destroying it so you can't turn back. If she has been a good friend despite this than look hard at that and at yourself too.
Also, I'm sure you have have faults that irritate her or others too so keep it in mind and focus on all the good before anything bad. Go from that.
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