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I Am in a Long-Term Relationship, But... I Met Someone New
I recently started talking to someone who is charming, intelligent, motivated and relatively good looking. He is about 2 and a half years younger than me, but judging from the last times we spoke, he seems more mature than most men his age. At the moment, he has a very impressive job, while currently still in college, at not even 23 years old, he is the head of finance at his friend’s brewery startup.
During one of our previous conversations, he told me things that I really needed to hear and I doubt that he knew how badly I needed to hear those things. He told me that he thinks that I am smarter than the people who I am working with on a project for my finance class, and that he notices that I am a very hard worker.
My best friend, a married 31 year-old male, believes that he likes me. The new interesting man has sent some flirtatious gestures my way, like he smiled at me when I said hello to him, and winked at me when I stood on the line to talk to one of my thesis advisors. Realistically, a man like him… I am thinking to myself, either has a girlfriend or does not want one.
At the same time, I have a long-term boyfriend of five years but I think that I am more secure with him than anything else. I feel semi neglected by him, he NEVER class me, he DOES NOT pay proper attention to me.
By that I mean, since we live in different states, and we are both students, we do not always get to see each other. So, he will sit on the computer and play video games, instead of touching me... which aggravates the shit out of me.
The last time I was down there he touched me maybe like two days out of the entire week I was down there, after not seeing me for two months previously. I feel like he definitely loves me, and does not want me to go anywhere, but I am starting to feel really taken for granted. Also, I see someone who does not care about his future as much as I care about mine.
With as long as we have been together, unless I am 100 percent sure about wanting to marry him, I am starting to feel like we should break up. However, I do not want to make a mistake, I want to see him again before I do anything, and breaking up with someone over the phone is tacky.
What should I do about this situation? Should I go with my gut, which is visit my boyfriend, make sure that I am 100 percent certain that I no longer feel passion for him, and then get to know the other guy as a friend?
I think that I like this other guy as a person, so even if we are both interested in each other I do not want to make a mistake move too fast and lose out on his friendship at the very least. The thing that really sucks is that my boyfriend and I are both graduating college next month, and I really do not want to screw up his last semester, but at the same time… is there ever a good time to break up with someone?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I will start with this question of yours: Should I go with my gut, which is visit my boyfriend, make sure that I am 100 percent certain that I no longer feel passion for him"
I can't explain for what reasons females tend to develop such strong feelings for men, often ones who don't deserve it but if you have the feelings, it won't disappear by next time you visit because it hasn't yet with all this time apart. And you must realize that even if you still felt something for him, a healthy relationship needs equal input from both sides. So if he's not showing the same level of love towards you that you have for him, what you have dear...is a one sided relationship. I had that with my first husband of 30 yrs whom I married when I turned 20. So it doesnt matter how strong your feelings or how loyal a person you are (my trait) or how you hate to fail at something, or if you're willing to put in all the effort and basically carry the whole relationship, in the end you will be stressed, not getting your needs met, not feeling loved in return and most likely resentment will grow inside you to the point that eventually you leave him in the future.
You've dated 5 yrs and this is all you have??? Hon, let me explain the purpose of dating and then you tell me if this out of state bf is the one to marry.
Dating is what two people who are visually attracted to each other do to gain more information about each other, a period of discovery about each other. This is when you look for the things you want in a mate and the things you want to avoid in a mate. It doesnt take 5 yrs to figure this out. It can take a few dates, a few months, maybe a full year at the most if people dont see each other often but thats it.
Is there a good time to break up? No. It will always be a negative to the one broken up with, from disappointment to really hurting. If his love wasn't all that deep for you, he'll get over it pretty easy, but if deeply in love (which I doubt as his actions don't prove it) his heart will hurt for quite some time before he is ready to move on.
The reason you are reacting as you do to the friendship of the 22 year old is because he is giving you something you've never gotten from the other guy. Make notes of this. I can't say that just because he's got his act together, has wisdom and is caring enough about other people to give insightful advice and willing to help that it all means he'll make the perfect next bf for you. All i am saying is that you are seeing something in him that you have discovered you like. PUt that on your list, be able to describe it to yourself well enough so that in the future as you come across men you meet and some you go on dates with, that you begin to see lots of the list of things most important to you, in him and realize, that this is one to pursue if he has feelings for you too.
So in the end, I think you have enough info on out of state bf to know whether he's a keeper for life or not. Your intuition is not 100% sure you want to marry someone who isn't all that thrilled to see you. When in love, you don't like being apart and can't wait to be together. Deep down you know that but your mind is making excuses for the bf because perhaps you really want a man in your life. So you think that you can fool yourself into being able to be content with the same old same old. Maybe it worked for 5 yrs. So picture this, you and he married, with kids now and its 10, 20 or 30 yrs with him and his treating you no different than he does now. Is that enough for you. Can you picture yourself happy and content with no touching, no romance, no passion or love for the rest of your life? I dont think so. Thats what I asked myself when considering divorcing 1st husband. I had fooled myself into accepting his treatment on a day by day basis. I could even handle month by month and year by year, but when I pictured 10 or more years of the same, I broke down crying and realized I had to leave.
Don't think that his schooling is the excuse why he doesnt show attention. A marriage will also have distractions, jobs, home fixit projects, elderly parents to help out, etc all things that can take time away from each other, but if there is true love there, it will not suffer, no matter how busy you each get and your will find your safe harbour in each others arms, loved and protected.
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First stay away from the married man, the last thing you want is to break up a happy marriage.
As for your current boyfriend the saying that, "Absence makes the Heart Grow Fonder," is not always true. It is possible that he does love you but is no longer in love with you as you may no longer be in love with him but still love him. That is the confusing side of love. Loving someone but not being in love with someone is most easily explained in the example. You can love a brother or sister but not be in love with a brother or sister. This is where you may be with your current boyfriend. Only you can decide this issue and is something you need to give some thought to.
Understandably braking up with your boyfriend at this time could ruin his last few months of college especially if he is still in love with you. Given that you are both in your last few months a little over 8 weeks I would say. If breaking up with him is your decision you could easily wait until the end of the school year. Given the distance between you and all the work and activities surrounding the end of school it is easy to stay apart. At the same time you could get to know the younger guy a bit better.
While this may sound like cheating I wouldn't go that far if your intentions are to break up with your boyfriend. I would even go so far as to say he may be in the same predicament having met someone at school that seems like a better fit for him. He too may be waiting until the end of the school year to break up so as not to harm you last few weeks of school.
Long distance romances rarely workout. Something usually comes between the two and it usually is a third person. My advice is to follow you best judgment and your heart.
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I think it is verry possibly that you may have fallen out of love with your bf. Sure you can still love him but not be in love with him.
Distance also plays a big part. Because there is space between you it can create a separation between you too. But if you feel that you may not be inlove with him i would make sure of it prior to breakup.
Remember the grass is not greener on the other side. If you love your bf and dont want to lose him or the love talking to him about what needs are not being met is a MUST
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