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We love each other, but I can't be faithful to him, and neither can he
What do you think? Is it ok to love your partner even when you can't stop yourself cheating on him? I know he does cheat on me too but of course I can't blame him. Is it ok to still love each other this way?
Thanks in advance!
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Hey there, this may be difficult but this sounds like a un healthy relationship. If you both really love each other I would go to a relationship councilor to help you guys be more faithful. I would also talk to your partner about this to have one on one conversations and make sure you are both up to the counseling. Make sure to follow what your councilor tells you and listen to their observations, and advice. But if these things don't work I would end the relationship.
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First I will address the issue of what cheating is:
Cheating is not talking to your partner about issues between you if there are any and getting them resolved but rather going outside the relationship to find those needs met.
Cheating is not being honest, not discussing it and coming clean with your partner.
Keeping it secret from each other is wrong and in most cases is hurtful to the other or can bring on jealousy or eventually resentment.
You don't mention your ages, how long you've been together or how many successful past relationships you've had and I feel that info is related to your situation.
In a marriage, there were vows made, a big commitment to just be with each other. As in the business world, any time one or both parties want to change that contract, they discuss it, first between themselves and then have a lawyer make changes to the business contract. A marriage is like that, you can't just both start doing your own thing, different from your original spoken or unspoken (assumed) promises to each other. The only way both of you can know for sure that you both want to stay together and give each other the okay to now have other outside relationships is to have a discussion and agree on it.
Most people can not handle one relationship successfully let alone a second one or more. Adding lovers will only bring out your worst points and weakness much much sooner and you will need to deal with them, mature and become a better person before you can handle a multi relationship deal with your partner. The same goes for him. Hon, thats just the way humans are, no other way about it.
In case you feel I have no idea what I am talking about, when I was still married to my ex, we got into the swinger world for a while but decided polyamory was more our style. So I know the pitfalls and what it takes to make such a relationship style work. Cheating does not work period!!!
That is dishonesty in a relationship and breaking of trust. Both will eventually break up a relationship. If that doesnt, jealousy will. It takes a special person who is secure enough in their self (high self confidence) and secure in their uniqueness to their partner to not become jealous. It is very rare to come across people who can emotionally handle this kind of arrangement. If in child bearing years, I recommend not going this way. I know married couples who waiting until they were done making babies and got snipped or birth control before getting together with others. Much less hassle over pregnancy worries. It would still be wise to use condoms with having many partners or you just may unknowingly be sharing herpes virus with your partner from another and the person who gets infected with an STD from their partner can be resentful and that again can break up a relationship.
Jasmine mentioned couples who love vs being in love. I agree there's a big difference. We can love a lot of things about a person and feel love for them, but that kind of love can still be torn apart by circumstances with the two going separate ways. Being in love, is when the other is part of yourself. To lose them is like losing an arm or leg. Being with them doing even the very ordinary things in life, chores, errands besides the fun stuff, is all more enjoyable special and memorable because they are there with you. There is a special tight bond that no one else can come in a steal one away as they have eyes only for each other. Perhaps in rare cases, an in love couple like this have a heart able to love more than one, not to make up for something missing in their partner, but just because their love has come to admire and then love another as well. I know of only two women in the poly community in my area who have successfully been able to do so and they both are elderly now. All the dozens upon dozens of others I watched fail, get angry, have fights, get jealous, become very defensesive, etc.... all the kinds of stuff that many people can claim they battle in life but in such relationships, or the attempt to create them, it fails miserably...I've been a witness to that.
I hope this all gives you something to think about. At the most to realize the way that you are going about this is not a good way to do so if your heart is set on it. If both of you choose to go down this path agreeing with each other having other relationships, then know that it depends on your maturity, the maturity of the extra partners whether you and your guy end up successfully staying together or losing each other. If you can't stand the thought of losing him, then you may want to think twice about continueing on this path.
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You may love this person,. but you might not be IN Love with him. I strongly believe that if you are with the one you are 100 percent in love with then there is no reason to be with someone else.
It could be that you were once in love and now that has turned into a different kind of love. and maybe your are missing something in your relationship that is making you search else where for that missing something.
Hope this helps :)
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