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how to detach from my relationship?
i have a very lot of anxiety and i worry a lot in our relationship. how do i detach from him? like i want to still love him, but i want to detach in the way where the things he does won't upset me and i could care less and still love him as much as i do now. he doesnt do bad things, its just he chooses games over me sometimes and doesnt do stuff the way thatll make me feel like im important to him. i dont want to try to chahge him to make me happy, so how can i detach where those things wont bother me? can you please give me steps and tips pretty pretty please???
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If I understand correctly, you don't want him to change who he is to be just the right person, the right match for you. That is a good way of thinking and the correct way to live life, and it goes for you too, that you should not change who you are at core to be right for some guy. What this may mean is that two people are together who were never meant to be together.
If I understand you correctly, in not asking him to change who he is, you also want your thinking, feeling, emotions and everything to change from what is most important to you to being okay with him not being a perfect match, in essense considering how you are feeling as the actual problem and if there is some way to change how you feel, then you can go on loving him in this relation ship.
Been there and done that. So I can tell you that what you are asking for is in actuality wanting to squash and ignore how you feel to not being bothered by things you feel are perhaps trivial but when it comes to a relationship where often the person is someone you see on a daily basis, this is not going to work. You are still changing something about yourself to be right for him.
Its not that he plays games more than you like but what to keep in mind is whether you are being neglected in the relationship. Its the difference perhaps of these examples:
When you or he gets home, you want time to unwind and for you its having someone to tell your day to, him really listening, but to him, unwinding is time to himself immersed in games. These are the differences in people that are not bad in themselves if only the two can find and are willing to compromise. If he could drop his gaming to give you his full attention when you need it to unwind, then he is meeting your needs. It shouldn't be out of obligation, like I have to cus shes my girlfriend and she wants me to, and I have to just to keep peace in the relationship. Those are all the wrong reasons. So even if you got what you wanted but all for the wrong reasons by him, at some point in the future, things will go sideways in your relationship. Why? Because I know from experience, if the man isn't totally in love with him with that as his reason for wanting to 'be there for you' then its all for the wrong reasons. I was married almost 30 yrs to a man who at the end told a counselor that he loved me for being the mother of his kids but that no, he had never been in love with me.
Guys can use the word fairly easily but have no clue what it really entails. So while the two of you may neither be doing anything really wrong, you can be wrong for each other when your ideals, priorities, morals, hobbies, hopes and dreams, etc... don't closely match each other or at least both of you dont mind the other being different in some area and don't mind being supportive of what they like without trying to change them.
What you are asking, to stay in relationship and for it to not bother you is very hard to accomplish. If you dont want him to change and don't want to change what it is you desire in a relationship, then to detach your negative feelings from the positive ones where he's concerned, well...I've never heard of it. Maybe there is a way but You'd need to see a psychologist to verify that. All I know from life experience, my own and stories of friends, what happens in the person who is making the allowances in their mind for things in a partner that they really don't like, that grate on the nerves or upset you at some level, what happens is that resentment will eventually develop in you and that resentment will come out in how you act and treat him, in not so nice ways, or totally ignore him. Imagine two people who are mismatched for whatever reasons, and he is too dense to realize that there IS a problem to begin with or that he is part of it, and you find the love you originally had began to disappear over time as resentment eats away at it. In the end of my 30 yr marriage, I no longer felt any love for my husband. We both resented each other and he actually was angry with me often, feeling himself robbed of what he felt he should have in a relationship but not having enough guts to end it and start the scary search of starting over for a new partner. It was me who had to make the move.
If you are a long married couple, it is worth it to go see a couples counselor. If you are just dating, then let this be an example to you of what you don't like in a guy and make sure that the next you choose is several steps better. I know this may sound cold and mean but its actually a way of how people discover what they like and want in a long term mate. Until you experience some things, you might not know what might bother you to the point you can't ignore it or compromise. Compromise is a good thing but doesnt always work if one is unwilling to do so or both. So counseling is first if you're both willing. If not, then I suppose you either part ways, which I know you dont want to hear, or you continue to stay with him even though things irritate you even tho you love him.
Talking is always the best thing so let him know how you are feeling without blaming him. Own your feelings. Ask him if he thinks there are things you both can do to help the situation be one that you both will be okay and happy with. Make any suggestions that come to mind. If you two both still feel the relationship is worth s taying together for long term, then go see a counselor.
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Well you dont need to detach in order to not allow the things he does to bother you. If you have your own friends and a life outside of your man then it'll matter LESS because you have other people in your life that make you happy and not just him. Hobbies, friends that are in the same stage in life as you are, and doing things that feed your soul FOR YOU are all very important in life. Not just having a man and putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak. This is why they say that having friends still even if you have a man is so important and now your starting to feel it. Alot of people cant admit that, but if you can, its the first step in changing for the better. We're ALL a constant work in progress and thats never going to change.
Next, you need to talk to him about these things in a serious manner and see what kind of reaction you get from him. If he doesnt take it seriously and blows you off and acts like your over reacting or some other kind typical "guy" response then you know what you need to do next. Its time to reevaluate the relationship. This is the time where you need to decide what kind of a partner you really want.
there are people who do something i like to call "standing still" in life. These people are perfectly OKAY with where they are in life and never want better for themselves. Then theres people who DO, they are always on the look out for the better job, the things that will take them further in life for the betterment of their family and or partner and WANT to provide you with a nice comfortable, happy life. These people encourage their partners (you) to chase your dreams, and think of you when you arent with them if they see something they know you'd love and grab what they see might be an oppertunity FOR YOU even if you arent with them JUST to bring it home for you on the off chance that you just might want to take advantage of it! = )
Thats the kind of partner you should have. Its the kind we all want to look for, and its what you deserve. Dont under value yourself, thats the worst form of self sabotage out there.
Decide who you want to run along side in this jog through life because you only get one shot....will it be the guy who would rather play video games? or will it be the guy who comes home and says "while i was out i saw this and i thought you might love it"???
Partners encourage each other for reach for better even if it means they have to take on longer hours at work so that they can make more money to reach that ultimate dream because NOTHING is permanent in this life, as hard as we might try to keep it that way.
good luck ; )
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I understand where you are coming from....and I know your reasons are heartfelt and desperate...you hope that by finding a way through this, that things will eventually 'change' to fit you both better. Faith and Hope are beautiful things in a relationship...but there comes a point where you are just compromising yourself...being a 'martyr'..if you will. Truly, madly, deeply in love is where it should be always...,and always trust your woman's instinct.
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Im assuming your 16-20?. You want to make yourself not care about the things that bother you. Thats not right. If he is treating you like you are not inportant then that is a big red flag.he should be praising you and treating you like a queen.
I would suggest talking to him about how you feel. And being open with him about the things that bother you. You should not have to feel anxiety or stressed eith someone your with
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