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I'm female, 19 years old. I started college on the 19th, and have been feeling... rather horrible. That wasa Tuesday, and I was fine, then Wednesday came, and that night I felt like I was dying. I don't want to tell anyone because I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating, but I had this sudden... sadness overwhelm me at night, it was horrible. I went into the bathroom and the minute I was in I broke down and started crying like crazy, trying to keep quiet as I had my roommate sleeping in her room. I have had this feeling before but it was just so strong... I don't know how to describe it. I felt hollow, hopeless, and at some point, while in the shower, I had to sit down inside because it was too much. I have been feeling as if life has no meaning, like I don't really matter to anyone. I'm a pretty shy girl who doesn't make that many close friends, not even in my own English Department. I remembered it started when I considered going to the US to study Animation, and when I saw the trailer for Zootopia felt inspired and wanted to try applying; now for some reason every time I see the trailer for the movie I get that similar feeling inside. I'm not proud to say this, but I have considered suicide, only momentarily, just because I feel like... nothing really matters. I thought that it might've been a panic attack at first, as I'm prone to excessive worrying, but it was more emotional than physical in a way. Then, when I came home this weekend, I felt much better, which made me think I was just having nostalgia, making me extremely stupid. I can't depend on my family like that, it makes me feel like I need to grow out of it but I need my family. I love them. Right now I have to go back, which is two hours away from home, not that much compared to other people, but its making me have the worse turmoil of emotions that I simply hate. I can't travel to the US if I'm going to keep having these turmoils, but I feel like there really isn't a way to... I don't know, fix this. Another thing is that I'm worried about the money I would spend in an Animation program like that, meaning I'd have a lot of debts afterwards and I don't want to worry my parents like that. I think its also not healthy that I tend to space off into my imagination when facing these sort of emotions, its become a habit, like a defense mechanism and it kills me from the inside because I start wishing more and more for my fantasy worlds rather than reality, which brings me back to the suicide thoughts I think are terrible and hate myself for. Please, I don't know what to do anymore... it keeps happening over and over no matter how much I pray, exercise, try to have fun, district myself... what does it matter if I just keep going back to this?
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I'm going to go with what is called be home sick. I do not know if this is truly the first time you are away from home on your own without real adult supervision or not. You may have gone to summer camp, sleepaway type and suffered a bit like this though most camps keep you too busy to suffer from homesickness. When I went in the military they too kept us much too busy the first few weeks so that when they let us go to bed we were too tired to think of anything but sleeping.
College is way different than summer camp or even a vacation on your own for their is much to do and an end date close in site. College on the other hand is much different. You have your classes which is not like high school. You may have a day where you only have one or two classes. There is a lot of down time to study and do other things. Way too much time to let your mind wander and you get homesick. What you describe sounds a lot like what people go through when homesick because homesickness.
Homesickness is a form of depression and is usually temporary. One of the quickest ways to get over it is to call home and have a conversation with mom or dad and tell them how you feel. Encouraging words for them and maybe they can schedule a visit over a weekend usually does the trick. Another way is to make friends and find ways to stay busy. Join clubs, find or establish study groups. Go to the student center and hang out. Being around people helps.
Today's the 25th and you started school on the 19th which is just 6 days so I'm going to stick with homesickness. It should pass as you get use to being away from home. If you don't start feeling better in the next few days then go to the student medical office and see a doctor or counselor about this.
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Hon, what you are describing sounds like depression. There are two types, a temporary depression due to a terrible situation in ones life and usually thats a one time occurance and doesn't keep repeating often. Perhaps a year or so later, some other event might affect a person for a short while. Something like distorted thinking can bring on depression like this.
The other is clinical depression and though distorted thinking can bring it on, people with this depression will probably have it constant, for life and require being on medication.
I dont know what country you are in and what is offtered for help there but in the U.S. there is different help depending on the type of depression you have and how you respond to any treatment. Often, doctors still try to prescribe medication first which can have its own side effects that many patients don't like but should be better than suffering the depression without any help. However there is also another kind of treatment some Drs use here besides medication. These psychologists will attempt helping patients first using methods calls CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This method tends to work for both depression and anxiety disorders. I know it works because I used to have severe anxiety as a child and teen and finally asked for help and what worked for me was this CBT. If all attempts at CBT don't work, then there is still medication but many still live a happy life on medicine for depression. It would be best for you to see a Dr. Get some emotional support and tell your family. This doesnt mean you are broken or causing this yourself. You can't help it but its good to have others to encourage you to seek professional help. Don't do as my own daughter and fail to tell anyone or ask for help. She hid it well, crying in private like you, I never saw anything wrong and I was very involved in my childrens lives so your family and friends may not have a clue and yet be so willing to help support and encourage you to find a cure that works for you.
My daughter didn't ask for help until her condition got worse after the birth of her first child, having thoughts of killing herself and the child and it scared her enough to tell me and call her Dr. She was on meds for quite a time but eventually suffered side effects and instead of letting the Dr. know so to get a different prescription, she just stopped taking and got worse. No one has been able to convince her to see a Dr. again and for all I know, she's barely hanging in there as she doesnt communicate with family anymore, trying to live with this on her own. I hope you reach out for help.
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