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I want to date this guy but I am not allowed to date
Hello. I am a female in high school (16)
There is a guy named Maxx that has been a good friend of mine for 2 years to this day, and I've caught major feels for him! And Friday I found out he likes me back too... my best friend Jamie says on Monday I should ask him out or go out with him, and he is the nicest guy ever he is so sweet and funny.. I know he would never hurt me. We started out friends! I would LOVE to date him and knowing that he likes me back <3 OMG thats great!
But the thing is my mom doesn't want me to date until COLLEGE (I understand why cause guys are a waste of time and I need to focus on my education) I've heard it all before about dating in high school... but i LOVE him. and he loves me we're friends!!
Should I just date him behind my moms back?? What should I do??
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Dating behind Moms back and the fastest way to lose trust with her if she finds out and getting basically grounded for the next 2 years.
I do agree with Adviceman that learning about the social parts of dating is better done now while still under parents care and their guidance and training rather than to start the entire process after you turn 18 or are in college. I get plenty of letters on here from college age folks who havent a clue what to do in normal dating circumstances so its better done with parents able to give input.
It might be too big a step for your mom depending on religious views or others life events of her own for her to allow you to go out on dates just on Fri/Sat with a curfew time.
However I have another suggestion that may not sound better to you. But it is a suggestion that if Mom agrees to this, it is certainly better than nothing, and may I remind you that learning to become best of friends is just as important as the attraction and romance part.
I have 3 daughters and when they entered HS, one of the many things I discussed with them about dating and sex was, that they were welcome to invite any male friends over to our house just as they would any girlfriends. Only difference is if in her room, the door had to remain open. He was welcome to attend family events just as her girlfriends did. I suggested male friends instead of the romance and boyfriend thing simply for how distracting it can be from their grades but if they and the guy fell hard for each other and were likely to end up wanting sex, to let me know and i'd get them on birth control. Not my first choice but way better than them ending up pregnant. Of 3 girls, not a single one decided to date in HS and not a single guy invited to come hang at our house while we parents were home, ever took a daughter up on it. This tells me that either the guys really weren't all that interested or their interest was purely sexual and thus, my arrangement/offer wouldn't work for what they ultimately wanted.
So I suggest having a good talk with Mom. Find out how she decided on her guidelines for dating, give her the reasons adviceman and I see as important for you to have a chance to begin to learn how to have a close friendship with a boy that moves towards "more" at a slower pace controlled by the parents. I felt that if a guy liked our daughter, he should be willing to meet and interact with her family and parents. That is the best way for a young man to gain your parents trust if he is truly acceptable. They are wiser and can spot the inconsistancies and know if he's just putting on a show to get what he wants and they also know you well enough to know if you are doing the same. If you want to have at least the chance to hang out with him for great chunks of time, just being in his presense, thats a good start. Gain the parents trust that way with the eventual goal that they give their permission for you to date a guy while still in HS. I can't say it will be Maxx but this I believe is the best way to go. I have heard from one gal whose parents got to know and accept such a boy as a family member and really trusted him and gave their okay for their daughter to be having sex with him but ofcourse getting birth control first. The jump from classmate to their daughters date, is a bit too much for many parents who are really only trying to protect you. And like me, you'll find that no matter how matter you may be for your age, when it comes to dating, relationships and sex, there really is so little that we know at this age that we are very ill prepared to make the best decisions on our own. Even at 20, I still knew little and ended up marrying a bad man. So you need to come to an agreement with the parents instead of fight them on this, find a good compromise of which I believe my version might be one of the best for parents not yet ready to let a daughter just start dating.
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I do not agree with Missundersmock. You need to gain and keep the trust of your mom. When you seek to deceive her, trust me here, she will eventually find out. When she does and she will winning back her trust will be extremely hard.
I understand mom wants you to go on to college and to get into a good college. We as parents want the best for our children, in most cases want better than we had ourselves. The point mom is missing, pay attention here, is this. College is a much different environment than high school. It is not the place to first start dating. A big part of the high school experience apart from the educational benefit is learning the social graces one needs later in life. Dating is a large part of that learning.
I know what mom is afraid of is she allows you to date. That you will have sex, get pregnant and ruin your life. You're not going to be able to convince me or your mother that you won't have sex now or when you are in college. For sometimes things just happen as in the heat of passion you go too far. This is when pregnancy generally happens.
What you need to do is sit down with mom and explain to her as I said that this is the time you should be dating so as to learn the social graces of dating. Something you should know before entering college. As I said you should explain to her this is all part of teenage life.
You should also tell her you understand her concerns about sex and pregnancy. You tell her it is not your plan to have sex with anyone until at least you graduate high school or later. You do believe you need to educate yourself as much about dating as you do about what is taught in school.
As a compromise could she agree to allow you to date on Friday and Saturday evenings with a curfew of 1 Am. Mom if she agrees will probably come back with an earlier curfew for which you offer could to split the difference. IF she says maybe 11 pm. You ask for 12am which is a reasonable curfew for someone your age. You also tell her that if your grades slip you will not argue with her is she stops you from dating. She should agree a bad grade on a test is not a reason it should be a report card or slip in a report card GPA.
Last and you decide if and when you should tell your mom. At 16 years of age a Federal Law called HIPPA gives you total Medical Confidentiality over your reproductive system. Congress passed this law so young people your age could seek medical assistance for problems or concerns with their reproductive health they may be too embarrassed to go to a parent about. With this medical confidentiality they can make appoints and seek treatment from any doctor for concerns about their reproductive system without parental knowledge or permission. Parents can never be told why you saw the doctor without your written consent to the doctor. As a byproduct of this law you can also ask for birth control medication and it will be prescribed.
Unmarried women of any age who are dating should be on birth control for as I said sex happens even if your not planning on having sex. Always insist the male wears a condom as well. With both methods of birth control your protection is 99.999% effective and the condom prevents transfer of many STDS and the HIV/AIDS virus.
I know I have given you more information then you probably wanted. I hope it helps you for in my mind as a parent and grandparent you should be dating.
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ok well the only thing you can do here really is if you feel your a good judge of people and you feel that youll "see the red flags" if things start to go down hill, then date him! just dont tell your mom.
See him only at school or when you can spend the night at friends houses and convince your friends that he should come over and hang out with you all.
Have him meet you at the mall, and just tell your mom your gonna go with friends. idk this doesnt seem that hard to do. lol.
Im sure that in time she will realize that your getting older and she needs to loosen up a little and that you even HAVE guy FRIENDS, but that doesnt mean your dating them.
Tell her that you only hang with guys when you have other female friends there with you, like in groups. (even if thats not always true) see?
i normally do not advise deceiving parents but you are old enough and if you know you can control yourself, that hes a nice guy, and that he wont try to force you to do anything you dont want to do ANDDDD you think you could survive a break up then i dont see why your mom wont let you other then her maybe having a fear of you getting hurt by a guy which i get.
saying you cant date until college is completely ridiculous and unrealistic I THINK, but thats just me.
maybe you could slowly have small chats with her off and on about how your "old enough" for certain things now" and not specifically SAY dating, and leave her to pick up the hints.
Let me add to this post that im not trying to encourage lying to your mom, what im doing is im assuming that you dont have that much of an open dialog with her beings as shes as strict as you say. I actually have had friends who were not allowed to date while they were living under their parents roof PERIOD, and BOTH ended up with three different bad guys, three kids each, and are now single because they were never allowed to LEARN what to look for on their own when it came to men, because their mothers never had that conversation or series of conversations with them. It just was NOT happening period. I was (maybe mistakenly) assuming this was how it is in your home.
I agree with the other posters that you should OBVIOUSLY try to have conversations with your mother about dating (i just hope that she doesnt shoot you down WAY before you even get the chance to actually try it) Cause thats what happen to both my friends because ones mom was religious as hell, and the other was just strict as hell and wanted everything to go the way SHe wanted and didnt care about he daughters.
Both of these friends ended up being put on lock down if their mother even THOUGHT for a MOMENT that they might be seeing a boy, and thats the angle i was coming from. But yes i fully think that you should try to earn her trust about this.
I think that in hanging out with guys, that for NOW it could just be in a group setting (like at the mall) like i mentioned before. You dont nes. need to lie. its just some of the small fibbing i did when i was your age but i STILL always had a girlfriend with me and we didnt go to anyones house where there was no one home.
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