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The Two Girls
Alright, so this is something I have been dealing with internally for a couple weeks now. But I suppose the advice i'm looking for requires a bit of set-up.
Right now, I am in college and recently entered my first relationship. Recently as in "this past week" to clarify. We live about 2 hours from each other but we live and attend at the same college when the term/semester is ongoing. We met the second-to-last week of the semester and we hit it off. It came to a surprise to me because it was unexpected and unintentional, as things escalated in only a few days.
However, there is another girl. We aren't dating, we are just good friends. I think it's clear to both of us that while we are good friends, we also have a strong interest in each other that hasn't been said...because the distance between us is two timezones apart. We've known each other for a few years and the past year we have getting to know each other more intimately without entering a romantic relationship.
I've realized that while i'm dating this girl close to me, who is very interested in me, I am more interested in the girl far away. I know distance-wise it's smarter to deal with it and focus on the girl right by me...but I can't help feeling like i'm being half-hearted in this new relationship. The other girl is important to me whether or not we ever date.
I just don't know how I should handle these feelings. Any thoughts?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
OK first off, never be in relationship and have someone else in your heart. It is not fair to you or the other person. You will be miserable. I suggest since the relationship is new, break it off. You obviously love the girl that's far away. Try to talk things out with her and see if you both can handle a long distance relationship or if one of you is willing to relocate.
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I always share that it takes two very important things to have a great long lasting relationship, one being the best of friends which takes care of a persons emotional needs in conversational, a good listener, having someone who understands and supports you, where you can trust and share intimately with that person.
The other important thing to be present in a relationship is being in love and sharing those feelings of love through making love, sexual compatibility, each seeking to please each other before seeking their own needs.
Some people when marrying have only one or the other, a best friend, or the best and most fulfilling sexual partner they've ever had.
The goal for you is to find out which one of the two can fill both roles where you also feel the same way and want to fill both those roles for her.
Right now from what I hear, the long distance gal is just a best friend to you but you have no idea whether there could be the other part for you. And that is something not easily determined over the distance and by asking each other in text or in a call. I tried internet dating and can affirm that it is too easy to find someone that sounds most wonderful, truly is a wonderful person. Got my hopes up, met in person for first time and we both realized there was no chemistry there for part number two of the sexual attraction, and that was no matter how handsome the guy was. This is a very real problem. So to toss college girl aside in hopes that all might work out, even if LDR girl says she does have feelings for you, you need to realize that if the two of you have never met in person (you did not specify that) then theres always the question that once you do, whether it could work. On the net, its easy to fall in love with someones mind and with their personality. Those things make up friendship. But the other part is an unknown quantity until you meet. If you're so sure that there may be chance that LDR girl is the one for you, then schedule a trip to go see her your next school break...take a greyhound bus if you have to but go meet in person IF she says she is hoping for more than friendship with you. To not do so, and try to make a decision between the two is ludicrous, and something you may regret for the rest of your life.
Now college girl, I am sure you saw qualities in her and her in you that account for you hitting it off and it escalating as you say to the romance level or more too, which answers the question that at least you know there is some chemistry in that area. What you won't know in detail enough to make any good decision yet is on the friendship part because you know only what you can pick up in a few weeks time about the other person. Yes, it may be enough but most people I know, did not spend their first couple of dates with someone just sitting and talking about themselves and their hopes and dreams, what they stand for and believe in, etc...
Dating a person is needed as a period of time in which you discover more than the initial bit you know about them to see if this is the kind of person you truly can see spending the rest of your life with, or if there are enough differences or deal breakers that crop up to change your mind and break things off. If all is well through the dating period, then you make a commitment to become a couple and later marriage or at least living together for long term.
So at your stage of not having enough info on both girls, yes its easy to have feelings for both. But you have work to do to discover which one if either is, the best one for you.
Caution here: Girls when a guys starts dating and sees her more than a couple times assume this means he has made a commitment to her and can be very heart broken if all he's doing is still gathering enough info to make a decision for one or the other. I did this when dating as I looked for someone who was 2nd husband material. Told the guys that I would be dating any guys I met that I thought had potential until I got to know them all better and once I made my decision and the other person still felt the same about me, I would break off the dating of the others and focus only on the one. Men can understand this. Women may have issues with it if they have really low self confidence/esteem but will at least know the guy has been truthful with her. If at some point in the future you find a need to date to check out a couple gals at the same time, you may want to let them know you haven't made a decision yet on one girl only, but that you will. If its someone you can meet with regularly like college girl for both, then its easy to decide in a couple months at most. Some guys know right from the start but date a month to be sure. I am not talking about going to movie or bike riding, but honest to goodness communication, long talks to find out everything you can about the other and enough time spent in their company to see that what they shared about their self is indeed true as well as consistent. Right now, you can't do that with LDR girl. So like adviceman, I would tend to personally stick with acting on that saying about two birds in the hand is better than one in the bush. It means going with what seems to have the greater potential for developing into a real relationship.
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I agree to a certain extent with the first advisor, though you also need to be true to yourself. Fact is as you say the long distance romance may not ever materialize into an actual romance. The old saying, "Bird in hand is worth two in the bush," may be relevant here.
You say; "The other girl is important to me whether or not we ever date." "We have getting to know each other more intimately without entering a romantic relationship." As a true outsider these two line to me say you two are really good pen pals or today's equivalent on the internet.
Before you give up on the girl close to you, you need to find out if the girl two time zones away has similar feelings for you? Is she sitting home and not dating or is she in dating and or in a committed relationship with someone else close to where she is? I could be missing something here but being intimate in a pen pal sort of relationship is somewhat safer then with someone close to you. This would not make her a bad person, especially if you two have never really tried to find a way to meet and see if the feelings you have developed for each other can build into a living loving relationship together.
What I suggest is you communicate with the long distance girlfriend and ask her if she ever sees you two getting together and building a physical relationship. Her answer yes or no does not have to ruin the relationship you have with her now. Everyone needs someone they can talk with that they trust with their feelings and yes it is possible to love more than one person. You can marry one girl and still love another. The love will and is different for both as long as you’re honest with both.
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In this situations, I agree with you, it's tough.But as the old saying goes, "Follow your heart.It will guide you." And its quite true.Feelings are a sensitive state.You cant switch them on and off but you cant keep lying to yourself either.Dont be attracted to the girls just because you dont want to hurt their feelings.Being yourself is what matters most.I will support you in whatever choice and coming from a girl, I think that even when you choose the other one, she will understand. Good luck!
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