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I'm not sure what I SHOULD want
Hello. I'm an 18 year old female, who is very frustrated and confused, and mostly just lonely.
I want to finally be over my ex completely. It has been about a year since we stopped being friends with benefits, after about 5 or 6 months of us breaking up. We were only together for 2 months.
Let that sink in for a bit.
We broke up because he realized he was losing feelings for me anymore. He tried to develop them back but it didn't work. He started being resentful toward me, forcing himself to like me. He started to be very mean. Then he felt bad because he didn't want to keep hurting me to he broke up with me. A few weeks later I ask him to be FWB. He says no. Then he goes out with a girl he probably really feel in love with. She breaks up with him. I take advantage and ask him again to have sex with me, he says yes this time, I'm very excited. We do some things, but it was unclear to me what we were doing. I still had feelings, and when I asked what we were doing he said "we're talking", so I thought he was trying to say he was planning on us getting back together so i was like, cool. and then i got scared he would just do the same thing to me, because i knew he might, so I cried to him over the phone and said something that he really didnt like so now he wants nothing to do with me at all because all i do is make him feel like a horrible person (because im right about him)
The part of me that wanted him in my life mostly wanted a relationship before. But now I just want to have sex with him. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to have him exist in my world at all except to come pleasure me when I ask him to. For so many reasons, but really I just want really high quality meaningful sex. I also know now that in order to get over him, I have to fall deeply, hopefully much much deeper (if that is even possible -.-) in love with someone else or at least meet an awesome guy that actually likes me back, & soon, because I'm afraid I'll lose my patience & give my virginity away to a random guy. Which is what I think I want. But that is just because I am frustrated & I have wasted two precious high school years of my life loving a boy that just doesn't like me. I really don't want that for myself. Not for one second longer. But the harder I try to forget about how sexually compatible I am with him and start developing feelings for someone worthy of me, I'm just making it take longer!
The part of me that knows better knows that I want to lose my virginity to my future husband. I really do. At least that is the ideal, but I'd just as well be perfectly happy with losing it to the next guy I fall in love with. How do I know this?
I tried just having sex with this guy I was talking to for a while both before & after I was friends with benefits with my ex. I cut him off this week, both because I knew I wasn't gonna give it to him and because he was talking to a girl that he didn't even tell me about, he let me find out from her. Now this guy, I don't even like or respect this guy as a person. He is a liar and a player & just generally has no idea what he is doing when it comes to relationships.
(I took Girl Code a little too seriously -- they say to never be friends with benefits with an ex, (i totally ignored that part) & instead to do it with someone you would never go out with, have no feelings for, no possibility of ever developing them, although you are physically attracted to the person)
I don't even respect this guy. He doesn't believe in love, he let his first girlfriend hurt him so badly that he is closing himself off to the idea of love, therefore he doesn't want to fall in love. This really gets to me. I don't respect him because that mindset makes him a coward in my eyes. You need to be bold enough to try again and again and again until you find your soulmate because i imagine once you find them, its the best thing in the world. Love is everything. I want to see him happy, just because that is the type of person I am. I am very emotional. I like to see happy people.
Basically what I am trying to say is that I can't be friends with benefits, with anyone really. I need to be in love in a relationship with a boy before i can enjoy sex. But I really want to stop wanting to have sex with my ex. So should I just find a better guy to have sex with? Is that even what I should do? I know I'm ready to have sex but I want it to mean something, with a boy that is at least worth my time.
Thank you for taking your time to read this and try to help me today. I truly appreciate it :)
PS: If you're confused about anything at all, please feel free to ask me to clear it up for you. I'll add info for you
PPS: have a great day, because they all are.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Take a deep breath, your only 18 , it will be well worth the wait when you find the one worthy of your love and affection . you are very special and deserve someone who will treat you like a princess. Billy
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All you shared is very typical responses for the situations you wrote about.
We broke up because he realized he was losing feelings for me: This can happen if the initial attraction and feelings were more due to NRE, New relationship energy/excitement. It can mimick the real thing and fool couples into thinking they are a good match. So the time line of aboutd 2 months to figure this out is about right. It generally takes around that much time for this excitement to slowly wear off.
Being the 2 of you are young and don't have much life experience, you didn't see this for what is was.
The next problem is him trying hard to regain these feelings, pretty much impossible is the two of you dont have the level of chemistry together to make this work. His reaction of becoming resentful and mean is also very typical. When a person forces themself to be something, someone they are not, to be perfect for another person, what ends up occurring is what you witnessed, humans sub conscious mind rebelling at being forced to go thru the motions.
His refusing to have sex at first was a smart choice. With the feelings still there for you, it could not have been platonic sex but when he didnt have an outlet and you didn't, the 2 of got together just for sex and it as you know was a mistake. There is a difference between making love and just fucking. Making love is an outpouring of ones feelings for their partner and wish to see them totally sexually satisfied. It is not gone into for self gratification as the foremost importance. In friends with benefits, the leaning is more towards the self gratification, using each other to get ones sexual needs taken care ofYou may have a high libido and need it often. I have also had sex as FOB's, guys I knew I could not marry in the end, I knew it up front and let the guys know that we could be friend, social partners and sex partners but that I couldn't see them in the role of my future husband. They we ren't looking to marry and were fine with it. I liked them well enough, you kinda do to have satisfactory sex but if I loved them, it certainly wasnt anything near to
being in love' with them, which is a
whole lot different.
You mention a 2nd guy you know and have reasons for not wanting to associate with him, so don't, not even for sex.
I need to be in love in a relationship with a boy before i can enjoy sex: You are on the right track here with that statement. The most successful long term relationships are built on a foundation of 2 things,
being compatible in sex and the other, being each others best friend. Some girls go straight for the sex, and attempt to create a friendship too but not all guys will care about the whole you, not just sexually attracted and excited by you, but love how your mind works, your character and personality and so much more.
My suggestion would be to masturbate until you can find a guy where you get both a sex partner and best friend and who not only loves you but is in love with you.
As for having constant thoughts of the ex, its the memories of your subconscious where all our emotions are stored that has you trapped. You need to retrain yourself. So each time a memory or thought of him comes to mind, tell the thought to go away.Tell yourself that you want to have sex with a guy who is in love with you. Girls feel love too easily so dont just go for a guy cus you have the feelings and see how he feels about you after 2,3 months so you know if it was NRE again or if theres something really there.
This retraining of your mind and especially your thought life is important and our subconscious mind isnt always on the same track as our conscious mind plus led about by our emotions so easily, you can not rely on it doing something that is the best for you. If you have questions, please feel free to write me dear. and good luck
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