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Controlling parents-how to move out after Uni?
I'm about to enter my final semester at University and am very worried about the future.
This is because my mother is highly controlling and is trying to carve out my life for me.
She tells me I have to look for jobs in the north west and says things like I am to get a job and live at home for a few years, to save up
to then buy a place of my own.
The control doesn't end there though. I'm nearly 21 and she has ignored that I said I want to have a meal in a city to celebrated and said 'Oh it'd be better here instead'.
She doesn't even let me go round to the local shop without coming with me or asking several questions! She also hates it when I want to spend time away from home overnight with my boyfriend. This has only happened twice that she knows about, and each time she has said I've acted selfishly and not thought about her, and she's screamed her head of at me . When i tried to tell her that I'm now 20 she screamed at me and told me just to piss off sarcastically.
She does not let me do as I want, I am not allowed to go out if it involves spending the night away from home (not even in a hotel).
She also has to phone my boyfriends parents each time theres an overnight stay involved.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. My mum wont even let us go on holiday.
I love going to Uni because I get some escapism and can be myself. But I am forced to come home every weekend by her.
She does support me financially and uses this as a reason to win arguments involving giving me some freedom.
I really want to move out after I graduate but I don't know how? I'm deeply unhappy and depressed by the way she treats me. She said I will not understand until I have a full time job and a place of my own.
This is killing me
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Seems like your mom is protective of you and I am pretty sure it's because she loves you!
At the same time if this is making you depressed this isn't a good thing.
Have you tried talking to her? Maybe go for a ride or have lunch together and speak like adults and remind her that you are too. Make sure she understands that you love her too and value her but you are an adult now and you want to find your own way.
It's tough to let go of your child even at your age. So hopefully you can find a healthy medium.
Another thing if your mom is still financially responsible this is another reason for her to have a hold on you. I am not encouraging you to run off before you are ready but you need to start looking into this so you know what you are facing. Living at home for as long as you can is smart. obviously not the best if it's making you depressed but if you can get around that I highly recommend it for financial reasons but only if you feel you can handle it emotionally.
Take the time to have a serious talk and make sure you share your depression with her. The more you share you feelings the easier it will be for you to figure out your next move. Hopefully your mom will understand and start to give you a little more space.
Wishing you all the best xx
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You may not like to hear this but I will say it anyway. You mother can only get away with controlling you if you let her do so. While you still may be dependent on her for some things you are also fully an adult in the eyes of the law. In a truly technical sense of the word when she restricts or forbids you to go out or to do something she is committing a crime called kidnapping. For she no longer can control your movements as she is no longer responsible for you. You are responsible for yourself.
If you want to spend the night with your boyfriend, do so. You are not obligated past the bounds of being kind to let you mother know where you going or when you will be home. If she wants to rant and rave or get down on the floor and kick her feet like a child let her. Continue to walk out the door. If she blocks your path tell her to stand aside or you will call the police.
Just make the threat you shouldn't have to call them. The threat alone should be enough of a slap in the face to let her know she can no longer control you. That you have the very same rights that she has.
In fact before you do what I'm suggesting try turning the tables on her. Don't let her go anywhere without telling you where she is going and when she will return. Stop her from going to someplace she may enjoy going pitch a fit. See how she likes it. When she asks why are you doing this to her. Ask her how she likes being treated this way as this is how she treats you. Then sit down with her and explain to her she no longer can control you. That for her peace of mind you will tell her where your going and when you intend to come home. If you are spending the night with your boyfriend she is not to call his mother as you are both adults. I'm not sure this will work and you may have to do as I said first though it is worth a try.
Just remember you are an adult and you do not have to answer to your mother any longer. If you don't let her control you then she cannot control you. YEs she will rant and rave for a while but after a bit she will realize she has lost what control she had over you. You have all the rights of any adult and this includes a sex life if you want one which is none of your mother's business.
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