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Gay- How to confront him and ask him about what we are
I started college and these months I developed a friendship with a classmate who's really different than me.I'm gay, he supposedly straight, and hates gay people? but we're friends, I mean. The thing is we're getting closer and closer but I don't know what's going on between us, everything so contradictory. He's really insecure and doesn't like to show his feelings. I'm going crazy because I think maybe it's all in my head. But if it is in my head then why he never complains when I say that I love him and I send him hearts and kisses and stuff, even though he always telling their mates how he hates gay people, even though I'm out to everyone. I don't know what to believe. He tries to be with me every time we have on campus. We do everything together and I don't know what else he wants, I asked him what are we but he never replies, I tell him I love him but never replies. It's weird. What do you folks think?
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It's hard to say. Based on your description, I suspect - as I'm sure you do - that he is secretly gay and cannot accept this truth. However, it is also possible that he simply enjoys your friendship and does not wish to pursue anything further, as evidenced by his lack of response when you tell him you love him. Again, this could play into the theory that he is just in denial, but we have no way of knowing for sure.
What I do know for sure is that you shouldn't pursue a relationship with him (if that's what you're interested in). He is homophobic; worse still, he expresses his hatred openly and proudly. I'm a woman, and I wouldn't date a man who claimed to hate women. Why would you want to be with someone whom directly opposes a part of your identity? Any relationship that would stem from this would likely be secretive, full of drama, and end in heartache. I can see the appeal of a dramatic, secret affair, but those never end well. I understand the appeal of forcing someone to stop BSing themselves, but it's not worth getting hurt over.
Worse yet, people who cannot accept their sexuality may fly into a fit of rage when forced to confront their feelings for someone of the same sex. This has happened throughout history, I believe mainly to transgender folks, but the sentiment is similar. Of course, I don't know this person, but why take the risk that he may react to, say, a kiss, with anger and/or violence? It's rare, but it's not worth your life to find out.
I would suggest a confrontation, somewhere out in public but where you have some privacy, such as in a park, on a walk, or at some distance from other people in a cafe. Don't make any accusatory comments, but speak only from your own perspective (e.g. "I feel that you might have feelings for me sometimes, but that you deny them because you dislike gay people and don't want to be gay. Is that true?") Take it from there.
I hope everything works out for you! Best of luck.
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Adviceman is right, if you don't see him hanging out with or dating girls, he may not be sexually interested in females.
It could be his upbringing. He may have heard how its evil or bad to be gay and if he has religious parents, he may not be willing even as an adult to acknowledge his feelings and the way he is simply because of what has been drilled into him. He may fear going to Hell for being gay If he begins a gay relationship. As long as he stays neutral and doesnt respond even though he knows he feels that way, to his thinking he feels safe as far as getting into Heaven.
Sometimes its not even how one is brought up and what is expected by parents but what they picked up from society. He may at a young age decided for himself that being gay is wrong and the fact that he is means he will not come open with it or acknowledge it in anyway hoping that at some point it will go away, which it never will. My husband just talked to a person the other day in a chat room online who lamented the fact that they were now in their 70s and had forced themselves to play the heterosexual part with marriage and kids all their life and now that they are on their on, feeling too old to even try to experience and live their life as the gay person they had always repressed. Its sad. He may end up one of those but as was said, no one can pressure them to be ready to accept their sexuality. Their mind says one thing, their heart and subconscious another and so they may fight their self for a long time. All you can do is continue to be a good friend and let him know your feelings and continue to live your life out in the open. Just because society is more open abut it and accepting in some ways doesnt mean he will be able to accept himself this way. If he pushed himself for your sake, the feelings of guilt or self hatred could be so great he gets really depressed or even worse. What an awful spot for you to be in. YOu may not want to wait for him forever, but then again, perhaps you do. But you just won't have the kind of value to the relationship that you hope for and response and love back from him.
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From what you have written the first thought that comes to mind is that he does protest too much. Meaning that he may just be gay and is not ready to commit to you or to come out of the closet and declare himself.
If my first thought is correct there is not much you can do but wait until he is ready to either take the next step with you or declare his sexuality. For you to try and take the next step could ruin a great friendship. To me dating is dating be it two guys or a guy and a girl. You have to read the signals before taking that next step. From what you have written I don't see any signals that give you the okay to take the next step.
It could be that he is waiting for you to make the first move. If I'm wrong and you do make the first move you run the possibility of ruining a great friendship. You are literally between a rock and a hard place at the moment.
Ask yourself these questions: Have I ever seen him with a girls? Has he ever talked about the girls he's dated with me or with others at parties? At parties have I ever seen him, making out with a girl.
After answering these questions you might have an idea on how to proceed.
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