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Can't Change His Feelings
So I met this amazing guy in June. He's literally everything I want and I fell so hard for him right off the bat. We met at a bar and then he traveled for the rest of the summer so we have been texting ever since. From the start the relationship has been one sided which was usually me reaching out and us having good conversations but him never making an effort. So in September I decided to stop trying and make him come to me.. Then we didn't talk for two straight months and out of a moment of weakness I reached out again. To my surprise ever since we have gotten REALLY close. We unfortunately live in different cities but nothing too major. He's made more of an effort and instead of going from talking every 3-5 days we talked everyday. He still gives me the most mixed feelings. I decided with the help of my friends to stop wasting time, tell him how I feel and see where I stand with him. It was pretty embarrassing.. He was a little rude about it and didn't see how I could have real feelings after we haven't hung out more than once and he couldn't have those feelings.
I decided it's time to move on and didn't reach out. A week passed and he texted me and after a good old time convo he brought it up and wanted to talk about it. He said maybe if we hangout again he could feel that way. I decided i still needed to move on so wasn't going to reach out. He texted me first which is so unlike him for a week straight. We had some good convos and we were closer than ever. Last night he started texting me pictures of a girl he was taking on a date which took me really off guard. He then said "sorry should i not be talking to you about this" and i said no, its a little weird after i recently told you how i felt. He felt really bad. I felt like it was calculated so he could see if i still felt a certain way. I know I am never going to change his mind since he is in med school and will be gone for the next month so we don't have the option to hangout. But I want him so badly. But all my friends say that him sending me those pictures of another girl is really rude.
Can anyone give me an outsiders opinion on what they think he might be feeling/why he would do that/what I should do?
Thanks so so so so so so much (:
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I agree wholeheartedly with Missundersmock. The way she addressed each thought of yours is just what I would have written.
So other than this guy who isn't romantically interested in you, I think the basic issue or problem here is that you have a hard time taking No for an answer and believing instead that if you try hard enough, you can change anything about any person including how they feel about you. That IS a problem and if you hold on to this belief in life, you're going to be a very unhappy person. The true fact is that if someome was very willing and ready to change, they might observe and try to copy someone who is a good example to them. But when it comes to anything else, including relationships, most people never change because someone did something to force them or pressure them to change. All humans are more like hobbits and don't like change, prefering that which is familiar even if something better was out there for them.
As far as attraction to others go, initial attraction is more based on looks and what one can observe of a person in public as far as their personality. However this is very surface level and once you get to know a person better thru hanging out or dating you discover if the person is worth making a commitment to or not and if not, breaking up. So what was different if this guy could feel you are not right for him without having the chance to hang out together more? There's one thing I know of and experienced myself when I had dating profiles up...and this thing I speak of is called pheremones. They are invisible but males and females emit them. Those of the opposite sex in the animal kingdom find their mates by this or by mating calls. Humans have pheremones too. We tend to pick up on the pheremones of another subconsciously without really realizing it but it works. If your pheremone pattern is similar to the same as a male, then he will be attracted enough to want to know more about you and he will then want to hang out or date. This isnt a commitment yet but you're at least given a change. Having similar pheremones also makes for a more exciting sex life with sizzle between the two no matter what it is you do. Without, its just routine workings of the sex act and little more and I wouldnt call it making love. My guess is the guy did not feel this kind of pheremone pull towards you. I have been kissed by guys I met who looked sexy, like models, but the kiss felt like having a brother try to give me a romantic kiss....yuck...no sizzle or romance and neither of us felt it. Many humans arent aware of or unable to pick up on this so either you felt a connection to him or you thought there was one on your part. In closing I will share a statement I read in a book somewhere that "Woman sometimes tend to be more in love with the idea of being in love rather than actually being in a relationship where both are in love with each other." From what I've gathered, if the act of being in love is so important, a woman can fool herself into feeling in love with someone she doesnt really know well yet to have really fallen in love with yet. I am just passing on what I've found as perhaps that may have some significance here. Not saying you are so wrong and messed up as we all deserve to find a loving partner. Its just that so many people have no idea how to go about it cus there are right ways and wrong ways. It is a fine art with lots of info to it so its not as simple as seeing a guy and deciding to go chase him and make him yours forever. It doesnt work that way. If it did, dozens of guys could all have the same female cus they all decided to chase her until she submitted to their professing love for her cus she has no choice to reject a person once they have decided they want her. It's something of fairy tales but not reality. If you ever want help in knowing how to do relationships right, start reading. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger before i married the first husband. I went into a relationship not knowing anything and now I hope to help other women avoid amking bad choices in a man due to little or no knowledge of the do's and don't of relationships.
May I suggest you looking up the book "Relationships for Dummies". I saw it a couple days ago at the bookstore and leafed through reading some excepts. What little I read, I agree with. I also like a book called "What Men say, What Women hear" by Linda Papadopoulos. Check with your library or order them at local bookstore if not on the shelves there. Good luck for your future and finding your Mr. Right.
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Ok, lets brake this down little by little....This is going to be honest and may ot be what you want to hear but as a chick that finds herself easy for men to really open up to, im going to give you what i think he was/is thinking right now based on what youve told me...
"So I met this amazing guy in June. He's literally everything I want and I fell so hard for him right off the bat. We met at a bar and then he traveled for the rest of the summer so we have been texting ever since. From the start the relationship has been one sided which was usually me reaching out and us having good conversations but him never making an effort."
Answer: This is a pretty clear cut sign just right there that hes just not that interested. This does not mean that you cant still talk and be friendly but usually a guy that really likes you like you him (even remotely) will make the effort.
"So in September I decided to stop trying and make him come to me.. Then we didn't talk for two straight months and out of a moment of weakness I reached out again. To my surprise ever since we have gotten REALLY close. We unfortunately live in different cities but nothing too major."
Ok, another big red flag thats hes probably already aware of that distance is going to be an issue. Now he could just be talking to you because he feels badly that someone loves for him deeply and he doesnt feel the same so he doesnt want to hurt you and thats why hes still talking to you.
"He's made more of an effort and instead of going from talking every 3-5 days we talked everyday. He still gives me the most mixed feelings. "
Do any of the mixed feelings your having include knowing that this relationship doesnt sound workable and that you might actually be barking up the wrong tree??
With some people, after its been made clear that there will be nothing beyond what you now have, it can be too painful to continue communication of any kind....And the fact that your still talking and what sounds like over analyzing everything he says to you, is making you think (or just want to believe) that there is still a chance for you in his life and theres probably not.
"I decided with the help of my friends to stop wasting time, tell him how I feel and see where I stand with him. It was pretty embarrassing.. He was a little rude about it and didn't see how I could have real feelings after we haven't hung out more than once and he couldn't have those feelings."
Ok it sounds like what you actually did was go against your better judgement (hense the mixed feelings) and made it clear to him that you want him and then had to learn what was probably already you first instinctive guess, that he didnt care about you in that way back. Usually men look at all possibilities when it comes to women and already knew that it wouldnt work but because of his feelings, he could not see directly purposefully hurting you if he didnt have to until you pushed it to the point where you made him address it all.
Guys dont just look at females and think "yeah i just want her as a friend" they usually look at ALL "the options" and friend zoning is a last resort. So im thinking he knew he wouldnt be available right now if it got in the way or his carrier but liked you alot and figured if youll give him the kind of attention he wants then he didnt see a problem with it and remained friendly and didnt see anything wrong with NOT contacting you for a month or so.
"A week passed and he texted me and after a good old time convo he brought it up and wanted to talk about it. He said maybe if we hangout again he could feel that way."
K this is him thinking about the fact that you professed your feelings for him and he felt guilty and missed the good conversations you regularly had. Men tend to be creatures of habit ok, and if the two of you had a good FRIEND connection of any kind and he liked your personality then thats reason enough to continue to keep in touch. nothing more.
"He texted me first which is so unlike him for a week straight. We had some good convos and we were closer than ever. Last night he started texting me pictures of a girl he was taking on a date which took me really off guard. He then said "sorry should i not be talking to you about this" and i said no, its a little weird after i recently told you how i felt."
Ok this right here was you obviously getting friend zoned by him. A guy doesnt just do things like that to a women who has openly made such deep feelings known to him. He did that most likely to SHOW you that your a FRIEND and nothing more.
"He felt really bad. I felt like it was calculated so he could see if i still felt a certain way."
Thats correct and you should follow your instincts more often about these things. Theres always the chance that he didnt pan it OKAY but it also shows that he didnt think of your feelings before he did it or how you would react. and the bad reaction he got wasnt expected because maybe he didnt take what you said to him about your feelings all that seriously, which AGAIN means that he doesnt see you in the way you wish to be seen in by him.
"I know I am never going to change his mind since he is in med school and will be gone for the next month so we don't have the option to hangout. But I want him so badly."
Ok so youve already been obviously friend zoned by him a few times over here. Honestly not to be mean but what is it going to take him doing to get you to see that hes not into you like that?? hes sending out all the signals here....Hes also in school and obviously very serious about it so you already know its not going to work....All your doing now is putting yourself through needless pain. Its OK to feel hurt and sad that you cant have him but it just sounds like your both in two different places in life, and he doesnt want the same thing you want which is a relationship and he doesnt sound like hes willing to take the chance on you unfortunately.
"But all my friends say that him sending me those pictures of another girl is really rude."
Well it IS really rude and he should have cut off contact with you along time ago if he were any kind of gentleman after he told you he didnt not feel the same things in return for you. But hes pushing you away and maybe he thought sending pics of himself with someone else would make it more real for you and make you want to push him away without him having to say anything. I mean i can only make guess here as to what hes doing but ive had alot of guy friends over the years and this is typically the way they operate.
Can anyone give me an outsiders opinion on what they think he might be feeling/why he would do that/what I should do?
I hope the above helps some. In relationships i know its easy to let emotions over come you, but honestly we need to be even more realistic about the purpose of any given relationship with people than ever because its easy to get caught up in feelings and then become basically irrational about what is happening.
some people can go so far out on a limb for someone they have feelings for that they often times find themselves sort of "standing there alone" like what has happened to you here. You were way too emotionally invested and he wasnt at the same point yet......idk.....something to think about.
good luck ; )
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From the beginning of your interactions with him, he never initiated contact. You were always contacting him and he didn't appear interested in contacting you back. You mentioned he finally put the effort into contacting you more often after you had shown interest in him on a number of occasions. Though he may have only done this out of guilt for not contacting you as often as you had reached out to him. This doesn't guarantee that he was ever interested in you. He may have also treated the interactions as casual and could have just perceived you as a friend to talk to every now and then.
You mentioned he had mixed feelings which suggests he wasn't certain about the prospect of dating you and wasn't sure whether you were suitable for him. When you finally told him how you felt he alerted you to the fact that he didn't have feelings for you. Though at that stage there would always be the possibility that he would have changed how he felt about you after spending more time with you and growing attached to you. Finally, when he told you he was dating someone else, he may have included that detail because as I mentioned above he may have perceived you as just a friend and felt comfortable talking to you about his love life without believing that there would be any repercussions, as he may have felt that you could have decided to consider him as just a friend when he told you he didn't have feelings for you.
Also, he may have mentioned he was dating someone else, to subtly insinuate that the reason for his overall lack of interest in you
has been because he was pursuing someone else from the very beginning though didn't mind socialising with you as a friendly only. You should move on, he's clearly keen on another female and you've already told him how you feel and he's told you he doesn't have feelings for you without any mention of the possibility of him having feelings for you in the future.
Next time, when you're pursuing men you shouldn't wait for a few months to see if they're interested in you. You deserve someone who is genuinely interested in spending time with you from the very beginning of your
interaction with him. Instead of you constantly chasing a guy who is most likely pursuing another female and simply doesn't have a desire to date you.
Also, don't let this experience affect how you feel about yourself. You should remember that you are a worthwhile person that deserves to be happy just like everybody else. If a male doesn't show interest in you, it doesn't matter - not all of them will. It's best to be realistic about the situation and remain confident. I'm sure you have a lot to offer in a relationship and any guy would be lucky to have you.
I'm sure you'll find a man that deserves you. I hope this helped you-stay strong. :)
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