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my mom might be costing me my life
Good afternoon,
I'm writing this because I'm reaching out for help. I've tried searching for help in many places, but a lot of those sources are helping me deal with and sort out my feelings, and barely any are helping me with a plan of action. I'm 25 years, and I'm my mother's only daughter. She adopted me at birth. Following my adoption, my father abandoned us because he got a prostitute pregnant and chose to remain as a part of that family. From that moment on, my mother grew unhealthily obsessed with me. I never had a healthy relationship with a member of my family. I realized this at a pretty young age. My mother never let me sleep in my own bed. She wouldn't let me bathe myself until I was 14 years old. I wasn't allowed to go away for college. I wasn't allowed to drive until I was 20 years old. But, these restrictions were compensated for with minor freedoms. For instance, I didn't have a curfew. My mom was considered the "cool" mom among my group of friends because she would talk to them about boys, sex, etc. She drove everybody. She put together a limo for prom. On the surface, you would think I was a spoiled brat. I attended a very expensive private school and my mom always took me to the beauty salon so that I would look top notch. I had the latest gadgets: cell phones, iPods, etc. The newest clothes. The newest music. You would think I was a princess. But, everything that glitters is not gold. I would trade, without a doubt, all of these "luxuries" for a healthy relationship with any of my parents. For parents who raised me for the world, not for themselves.
I must mention that for years, I have been financially abused. My mother has stolen my identity and opened credit cards and phone bills in my name, failing to pay them, leaving me with bad credit. Therefore, I was happy about not having to apply to lease an apartment, given that my credit is not the best. She has stolen from my savings account, emptying my college fund, therefore, I am now paying back college loans. She has had me take out payday loans, harassing me until I have done so, so that she would have enough money to pay a bill on time, and then I've found out that she has taken the money to be me clothes, but her and the rest of my family have taken the stance that if the clothes were bought for me, regardless of whether my own money or credit was used, I cannot use that against her.
A few months ago, my mom had her house rented to psychologically diagnosed hoarders. Needless to say, the house was a nightmare. Nearly $1000 were spent on just sanitation bills. After this experience, my mom had the epiphany of allowing me to live in this house in order to ensure that something like this didn't happen again. After all, at 25 years of age, I thought that maybe she realized that I deserved a little bit of independence. I'm not surprised to find out that the house came with strings. She continues to harass me, show up uninvited, knocking on my door at 5:00 in the morning and making me get up. Those are the days when I'm actually able to stay here. Oftentimes, she uses excuses such as my grandmother feeling ill, to get me to stay with her (the house is down the street). She frequently orders me to come back home. The other day, she even picked me up after I had someone over and took me in the car back home, inquiring about any sexual encounters. When I opened up to her about it, she harassed me the next day, telling me that she was going to buy me sex toys. Yesterday, I opened my nightstand drawer and found cards with sexual positions on them and two bottles of lube.
I have had enough. I don't have another place to go because she ruined my credit. So many times I've wondered if I should just give up on life because I really am never going to have freedom. I can't leave this city (or state) with bad credit. I also have a full time job that I can't just pick up and leave. I'm in the middle of graduate school, finishing my masters degree. So, giving me advice to pack up my bags and "run away" is just not feasible right now. I would leave to an apartment if the credit issue wasn't present. I just want to cut her off until she decides that she is going to get the help that she so desperately needs. I can't deal with this anymore.
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What adviceman suggests I must say ditto to. I know you may want a normal relationship, but knowing what she has done and allowing her to continue on is not going to help. If you let too much more time go by, it could appear to officials as if you were okay with what she was doing as far as your credit history if you have never done anything to stop her. If it were some stranger who stole your identity, and was controlling you, would you press charges or allow them to continue to do so, in essence ruining your life. She has some emotional hold over you, the love and normalcy you want so bad and the abnormal upbringing that has basically messed with your ability to judge situations so that you are either feeling unable or unwilling to take the steps needed to get away from under her control. This is way beyond just control but criminal stuff when it comes to stealing someones money and also stealing their identity. I don't want you to be shocked but Mom just doesnt sound sane mentally. Maybe its not quite mental illness, maybe it is and from what other family has said regarding her deeds against you, they dont sound much better. She and they may benefit from seeing a psychologist which of course you can't force them to do. However, if you did press charges by going the proper channels with a lawyer, her actions and the bizarreness of some of them may come to the attention of professionals who may be able to help her...at least, I would hope so.
When the day comes that your credit is clear once again, you may need to cut off contact with her totally. The best way would be to see if anyone you work with could use a roommate or may have a room to rent as you know they are employed. What about the school, any other students finding themselves in need of roommate? If you talk to a lawyer, ask about housing help so you can get away from her. Dont use social media to post anything about your whereabouts, change your phone, change your bank and get a new acct number, just learn to disappear and leave no links a person could follow to find you. Its most likely that Mom isn't going to change at all for the better at this point in her life and the only way to prevent this happening again is to cut off communication and any knowledge of your whereabouts totally. If you belong to a church, ask the pastor for help and perhaps a church member could open their home to you. Or look for a room in a house where an elderly person will allow you a room in exchange for helping them around the house. These are a few of my ideas and I know it will hurt to cut things off with her but having her in your life is already hurting you. Its more a matter of deciding to protect yourself or not. Heres one thing I can share that may help. I was in an abusive marriage but i stayed until a couple people told me that it is not selfish to love yourself first. My biggest lesson in life to learn was to learn to love myself enough to not allow myself to be subjected to an unhealthy relationship and treatment. The bible verse about loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself is not actually focused firstmost on loving the neighbor first. I remember a sermon that finally came back to me. I have to love myself first before love would be able to flow thru me to any other human beings. I was staying by choice using the fact that I could not afford to move away and live on just my income. Thats a terrible thing, fearing one can not survive without the financial support so one stays in a bad situation because of it. YOur situation is somewhat the same, staying in a bad situation cus you now fear you can't survive on your own, yet it is all your money Mom took and credit she took. If it were fixed thru legal means, then being able to survive on your own is a lot more closer than it is now. I hope you do call the number adviceman gave as I don't know where to tell you to call. It sounds good to me. Good luck dear.
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Wow where to start.
1. What I would do is contact an attorney and ask for advice on just how to tackle all these financial problems in the stat you live in. Some state offer Identity protection laws that may help repair your credit.
I should warn you since you know the person that stole your identity those laws my require you to press charges against her. This is a tough thing to do for any child especially a child who has been adopted. In my mind an adopted child is very special as they are chosen.
Now I am old enough to be your grandfather and almost old enough to be your great grandfather. My advice as to whether or not to charge you mother with identity theft or grand theft fro stealing from you would be to do so.
From what you have written have been an abused child from just about the start of your adoption. No child should sleep in a parents bed or be bathed by a parent after they are old enough to bathe themselves. Every child needs restrictions and limits placed on them as they are young and growing then those restrictions are lifted as they earn a parents trust.
Your mother bought your silence on her abuse with trinkets which is a sign of a person with a controlling personality, something you cannot change. Which brings us to number 2.
2. You need help to establish the self-esteem you have never had the chance to establish for yourself. For this you are going to need professional help from a good psychologist. This is going to take time and hard work on your part. Though there is a lite at the end of the tunnel.
3. I would like you to call an organization called RAINN which stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. their trained professional call takers are far more qualified to help you then I am. They will even help you find a psychologist in your area who can best help you. Their number is 1-800-656-HOPE.
The hardest thing I have asked you to do is to talk with an attorney about just what you have written to us. The attorney can help you find a credit counselor and may suggest filing criminal charges against your mother in order to recover what was stolen and correct you credit history.
This will be hard for a child to and something I do not recommend lightly. If ever there was a case that called out for a child to press charges against a parent it is this one.
I'm sure in her own way you mother loves you and you love her. The abuse you suffered calls for closure. The only way to get that closure and to rectify, at least financially, what has been wronged may be to file charges. That would be for an attorney to tell you. If he or she does then my advice is to follow the advice of the attorney.
The first visit to an attorney is always without charge. If you can't afford the fee they may work out a payment plan, take the case on contingency meaning they will take a part of any recovery or find you an attorney who will take the case Pro Bono, free of charge.
This is what RAINN does best finding the professionals to help you so pleas call them.
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