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Not in Love Anymore
Early 20s/F
I have been married for four years to my partner. Due to some tricky circumstances, we got married very soon after we started dating. We moved in together very quickly, merged finances, etc. I have a kid from a previous relationship that now calls him dad as the child was very young when he entered the picture.
When we first were together, he had jealousy/control issues that he worked on and overcame. We were both sexually attracted to each other and I felt like I was in love.
Fast forward two years from then, I begin to feel that my romantic and sexual attraction for him beginning to fade. Even though he worked through the jealousy/control issues, it was something always in the back of my mind that still hurts me to this day. I speak with my mom, and she basically tells me that I would be an idiot to leave him because he is such a great guy. I pretty much swallowed my "pride" and things seemed okay for a while.
Two more years later, I've now reached a point where I don't even want to kiss him or hold his hand, let alone have sex with him. My temper with him has gotten shorter and shorter. I try all the time to make plans with friends or be away from him. I explained to him how I felt about our love life, and he said that he didn't feel the same way and that he would try what he can to make it better. This was two months ago, and I feel the same if not worse. I can tell he is getting very agitated at the lack of intimacy, but I can't bring myself to barely even say "I love you."
I feel trapped, alone, empty and sad at the whole situation. He is a great guy, who loves me and my daughter very much, and I would consider him my best friend -- but I feel that I no longer have what it takes to be there for him as a wife. Our lives are so intertwined: we work together, drive to and from work together, live together, split finances, share parental responsibility. I do not drive, so taking a "break" from the relationship would basically be impossible. I was 18 when we got married and I feel like a completely different person now than I was before, which may be why I do not feel fulfilled anymore.
I am completely lost and do not know what to do. I have reached a part where even going to couples therapy seems makes me cringe. I don't want to ruin his or my daughter's life, or break his heart, but I feel like I am going insane.
Thank you.
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I would like to know more about the tricky circumstances to better answer your question. I feel somewhere in those circumstances is the answer and the problem.
It is really hard to answer this type of question without more information. Yes I understand how you feel. What I don't know and is important is how you got there. What happened to cause you to get to this point. This is also what the couples counselor needs to know and maybe you need one on one sessions with him or her to get this out so he or her can possibly help you
Statistically speaking based on your age at the time you married these marriages have a very high failure rate for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest reason is the couples grow apart as one spouse gets a higher education while the other supports them. Then there are couple like you two who, if I understood you correctly, are together 24/7 by working and living together. Being together so much comes with it to much familiarity. as the saying goes; "Familiarity grows Contempt."
You haven't said there is another man in your life. If there were then I might have some advice for you. I would also have to know to know how this man came into you life.
My advice is; if you would like to take the time to explain the tricky circumstance you can do so in a private message to me. I will see if I can offer any better advice. Or as I suggested above ask your couples therapist for a one on one session so you can explain the trick circumstance if you have not already done so. Doing so I believe will open a door that will allow him or her to better help you.
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Due to the ages, it could be he innocently had no idea he was going about things wrong when he hurt you. I don't know if your "tricky circumstances" would shed more light on the real issue here. But I can only go on what you've shared. If his bad behavior was present for the first two years before he began to change his behavior, then thats a long time of him making 'withdrawals' from your 'love' bank but no deposits. Let me explain. A relationship is like a seedling, needing tender loving care to keep going. If the way he treated you was more often expecting you to have love to give him, but he wasn't making even more deposits into your life of love, care, sensitivity, support, respectfulness, etc. then whatever love was there before, is like a bank account that is empty. After a while of being empty, that part of you with feelings for him just shriveled up and died and that is like closing the bank account. So now, no matter how much he does right, trying to do the right things, he thinks he is making love deposits into your life/bank acct. when in your mind and heart, theres a disconnect, no bank acct exists so you are unable to recieve his love.
I was verbally abused all my marriage to my ex, 30 yrs. A year or two in, I still was devoted but I didn't feel in love with him anymore but wanted to be. He said nothing was wrong with him so he wouldn't attend counseling. I have since our divorce discovered through being with other men and now a new husband that he and I were also sexually mismatched, not same libido's and wanting different things and there was no chemistry, that spark that makes one desire the other. Sex is exciting in the beginning of any new relationship I learned. But new relationship energy can mimic having real sexual chemistry and one can float on that for months, and for some I've learned, even up to a year but its unusual to take that long for this new relationship energy to fade. Its possible this is a part of your situation but I don't know. The only person who can help sort this out for you so you can make your decision to stay or leave would be a counselor.
Late in marriage, an ex counselor friend I spoke to, suggested I talk to my husband again about going to see a psychiatrist because even he had begun to see issues with my then husband. I broke out crying knowing of the inevitable angry response I would face for bringing it up so He spoke to my husband. He finally went to see a Dr. not a marriage counselor as his issues were entirely his but I went along for the first five visits. When I had a chance to speak to the Dr. alone, I asked what the prognosis was for him to get better? Dr said it depends on the person and their willingness to really apply the treatment and change. At this age, too many are set in their ways and Drs cant do miracles. So either they change only a little or not at all. He asked if I felt there was hope for our marriage. I told him My love for him as a husband ran out a couple decades ago and since I haven't recieved good treatment since then, I no longer loved him that way, only loved him as a fellow human being and thats not enough for a marriage. Dr. agreed with me. And I left the ex.
You also need to consider the effect upon your child by staying with him. I forced myself to stay with the husband cus of being CHristianas and the church frowned on divorces. Now that my daughters are adults, I can see how each of the 3 were affected by what they witnessed between us, the abuse and the lack of romance and love. For you, just the lack of romantic love, even tho kids usually say 'Yuck and Ewww," it warps their ability to know how to relate the same way to a potential mate. I see that in all my kids and wish now I had left him earlier while they were little cus now I have to live with seeing them choose poor destructive partners, and others shy away from committing to any relationship or trying to be the only one in control in a relationship to avoid the treatment like I got. Its a mess. It may be more harmful to stay in a loveless on your part, marriage.
As for yourself, sweeping your feelings under the rug or the fact of lack of feelings, is already causing you stress. You mentioned swallowing your pride or your feelings and trying to make it work because mom says he's a nice guy. LEts take that idea and run with it. Lets say you are single and met 5 really nice guys who would all make good providers and fathers. So what is it that would make you choose one over the others? A person can go through the motions of having sex with each one but if that sizzle and sparks are missing, its just an act, not an outpouring of desire and love as it should be. Many people especially of the older generations were taught that it was better to go with a good provider you didn't love cus you could grow to love him, than to marry for love and do what you both could to make ends meet. Lots of people have made that theory work for them but I know some of them. They live under the same roof, are best friends in a way, but live their own lives, sometimes have separate bedrooms, take separate vacations, have their separate hobbies/clubs and only have sex if they ever do when the frustration or need to grows too strong, just to relieve some stress. I worked in a small office where all my 5 coworkers no longer had sex with their husbands and all had kids under 18. Society doesnt see the importance of the need for a great sex life when most women have never had an orgasm ever and married couples are thought to be normal if they have sex and enjoy it once a week or once every other week. Heck, I like it every day if not every other day and we're both in our fifties (my 2ns husband) We don't have much in riches and still homeless due to an accident he had a yr ago Dec. but I work part time and live in our van andd we are very happy because we have each other. To some people security is worth more to them than love. To me, living 30 yrs without and abused on top of it, Love is worth more to me at this stage of my life. In the past the stress of my lack of love and good sex plus abuse, had to go somewhere. After a handful of years, the body can no longer resist the strain and you begin to break down emotionally, mentally or physically. For me it was physical. So denying your own feelings here, could have adverse affects on you if there isn't something a counselor can do to help you. In the few short years, since you're so young yet, and a person is still seeking theirself and who they are to themselves, not to other people and what their purpose in life is, so you may have grown apart from him in ways not even related to the former controlling behavior of his. Most people become who they'll be for life by late 20s or age 30. You are still changing and becoming a little different of a person. Whether those differences may also be effecting your marriage I dont know but it helps to have someone skilled to meet both of you and hear both your stories to sort things out. If a year hasn't brought any progress of just discovering what your core issues may be and whether they're something that can be addressed and changed to have a great relationship or not, then personally, if it were me, I would not waste more time over counseling that may not be able to help. Counseling can't fix two people who or have grown apart, or do not have chemistry or have similar pheremones which people emit like animals and which create the desire and attraction to the opposite sex. Good luck dear.
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So sorry you are going through this.
Its tough when your feelings are not what your mind wants.
Marriage is difficult and it takes alot of work.
I highly recommend marriage counseling ASAP.
I know the idea of this makes you cringe...but keep in mind that this is your husband and you do have a child that calls him daddy.
So your marriage and your child are worth fighting for.
I think if you get to the root cause of why you are so turned off by him there is a chance things may turn around for you. Dont expect miracles it will take some time but please be open to it.
Maybe you dont feel like you are in love with him anymore but I am pretty sure you still love him.
Take things slow and try to get to know him again.
Its quite possible that counseling may make you realize even more that you definitely dont want to be in your marriage , who knows but you need to fight a little bit more just to make sure because once you walk away you may not have a chance to come back.
Counseling with give you some more clarity and at least put you on the same page with some things.
I know you were young when you got married and you are a different person now but please keep in mind that 10 years from now you will be a different person again.
These are some of the obstacles with marriage...... we all go through changes over the years and we end up being different people.
As long as this is not an abusive relationship just take that last step and have an open mind.
Wishing you all the best!!
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Ok first, let me just say im so sorry your going thru this and im betting you didnt think this would EVER happen huh? Unfortunately people grow apart all the time. We are all constantly changing and growing as people (even if we're married) and youll either learn to grow WITH each other or youll grow apart....
Remember, that this isnt any ONE persons fault, and that making the mistake of getting married young was one you both made together so this isnt only on you so try not to beat yourself over this, we ALL make mistakes but the fact that your trying to preserve someone elses feelings and that your reaching out to ask for help in doing so is definitely a step in the right direction.
You need to communicate with him about this, in a CALM, logical manner. Talk to him like your talking to friend because thats what he is (or is supposed to be) because hes your partner and he at the very least deserves that from you.
There doesnt have to be some huge rush for you to both untangle yourselves from each other once youve both come to terms with and accepted that "this just isnt working" and that somethings got to change here. Next what YOU need to do is take some more steps towards personal accountability for yourself LIKE getting your lic. getting your OWN car, and doing things on your own. Even if you need to get his help to do it, these are milestones in like that every functioning adult in this world must take. You have a child here that depends on you for everything, and she needs a strong mother who can get things done on her own without the help of a male around. Then once you can do those things, you can make a clean break from him.
I say tell him next time it comes up and your in a place where you can talk about it where your both safe and feel comfortable, that you'd like to just be friends but that you will always care for him and allow him to come see your child even if your not together anymore. (this will most likely fade in time once he finds someone else so i wouldnt worry about him ACTUALLY continuing to come around in the distant future too much)
You can still work together, still live together, remain friendly but keep boundaries and be civil if you think your both capable of that. Because of the spot your in, you sort of HAVE to right now in order to make the transition easier. Take your emotions out of it and consider him a roomie/friend thats helping out for a while until you can get on your own two feet and nothing more. He doesnt exactly need to know this either.
You can tell him that you just feel like youve changed alot over the past few years and your just not interested in trying to make things work anymore, but that your willing to make things as easy as possible until you can both go your separate ways financially and all. For the childs sake thats really all you can do.
If you really want out and to untangle yourself from having to rely on someone else for everything, the only thing you can do is work, save up, and do things on your own. Hopefully he will be willing to help you learn to drive and take the drivers test in his car if you dont have someone else to do that for you.
good luck ; )
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