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Disconnected and lonely
I do not feel close to anyone. I feel like I just have surface relationships and it makes me sad. The biggest thing I lack is emotional support and feeling close to people. Being away for college was stressful but fun. I am on break and it wad a much needed break because I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I did not tell anyone how I felt beside one of my friends. But, now I am on break and I feel better but I am not happy. I am at home but I felt instantly depressed, becaude this home is not home to me. My mom is my mom but I dont have an emotionally connection to her or anyone. I lack closeness. I feel like I am so different because I dont have close relationship with family. I feel like I have surface relationship. I want a deeper connection. I just feel like my life is meaningless and it upsets me that I dont have close relationship, I need a support system. I can not do this alone.
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I wonder how long you have felt this way. If its a recent occurance, then its more likely to be something going on internally in you and not due to family being cold, unemotional, non supportive, etc... If you've felt this way all your life, it could be due to your family, their personalities, and how detached they were while raising you so you actually 'learned' to be this way thinking it to be normal. And now that you are older, you find it to be obvious that others have deeper more satisfying relationships than you do. You might want to explore why home doesnt feel like home to you. It means getting in touch with your inner self to discover why. Try talking aloud to yourself or writing it out. I have come to conclusion and problem solved by simply asking myself the questions, rambling on for a while, speaking or writing what seems like silly possibilites when suddenly a thought comes where my mind goes...aha...thats it, that the problem or thats the solution, depending on what I was asking. It isn't always easy. If you find you cant do this yourself, it might help to see a counselor. I know many avoid going to see one after hearing how many took meds and weren't helped but there are other more successful methods of helping you discover what is holding you back from having closeness. It can be an entire family, but when it includes "everyone", then it's more likely that its something inside of you. Not that you are lacking in some way, or not a fun person, or interesting , etc. Dont think that. Usually its distorted, negative thoughts that lead us off course from reaching our goals...happiness...success. It can be due to bad past experiences, long forgotten by your conscious mind but still creating havoc with your subconscious where all our emotions are stored. So my suggestion is to find a psychologist who is trained in the CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy way of helping patients. If they cannot help, they may have a good idea what to suggest you try doing.
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I have some questions based on your post.
When you say that you dont have any deep connections with people, are you sure its not because you (weather you know it or not) closed yourself off to them? this will naturally repel people and think that your cold and not open to new friendships. This can be easily broken by just being nice to people, even complete strangers. Smile, if your waiting in line compliment them, crack a joke that makes others turn around to see who said it then look at them and smile back so that they feel its ok to smile and laugh too. SHOW that your excepting of others and no matter their faults, youll be there to talk and in turn they will want to give you the same in return. YOU determine how "close" you want to be with others, not them.
You can still try to show your family that your present when your home, and care but that you will only take so much. With children who go away to school for months at a time, they can often feel "out of touch" with whats been going on at home because things in life are always changing, even if it doesnt seem like it right away. We are all a constant work in progress our whole lives.
You can still get in "a fight" with a family member and then ask them if they want something to eat with you. This shows that you care, but you have limits too but that with some attention on their part your willing to move past it and continue to be family. With this process over time, even if they yell back at you that they arent interested, they can still see that your trying to show you care. You can then turn it against them later during a larger argument and have PROOF that "even after a fight with you i still tried to offer to spend time with you because im willing to get over things UNLIKE you" see?? because if you "didnt really care you wouldnt have done that" and in time the people who are capable and have wanted to be closer with you (like family) will come to you and realize that they were the ones that needed adjustment here, not ness. you.
Try to not take comments too personally too. Sometimes when people say things, it may have sounded different in their head then when it actually came out of their mouth.
These are all things you can think about and work on when it comes to interaction between you and others.
remember that your young and still have plenty of time in your life to move on to bigger and better things and this isnt "it" for you.
Keep working on yourself, practice patience with others, hear them out (because you make an impact on others weather you mean to or not) and take use your best judgement to find meaningful connections and not just fair weather friends who are there one minute and gone the next when things get hard.
good luck
; )
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I relate to this 100%. Have you thought about going to therapy? That might help to straighten out your feelings about this. It sounds like you like being away at school. Focus on the fun and good things about being away. Cherish your friendships and try to gravitate toward people who you can potentially show your deeper side. Maybe you have some inspiring professors or mentors to turn to in this way. I'm assuming you have a lot going on inside and are probably very passionate. Channel that pent up emotional energy into your passions and talents. This could bring you a great deal of future success and happiness. The family life is probably not going to get better. Home will probably never feel like home, I'm afraid. But the good news is a person like you gets to experience places, people, and things that most people don't. I can assure you, you will encounter meaningful relationships with people who understand you, as long as you follow your own special path. Always do YOU first.
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