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Boyfriend smothering me
I'm 25 my boyfriend is 23. We have officially been dating for a month now. I've never been the touchy feely kind of person. My ex boyfriend would never hold my hand, kiss me in front of others or anything like that. barely would hug me. So i was kind of used to no affection.
Well now my current boyfriend always wants to be touching me. If we're watching tv he always wants to hold my hand or lay on me. I feel a little smothered. Sometimes I back off a little and he's like "youre mean" I dont know how to approach this. I do like him - I like kissing him. But sometimes the touching and constant contact can be too much. He knows I'm not really like that - I've told him before. But if hes touching me or something he's like you never touch me or why dont you touch me more.
Can someone help me with this situation?
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There are so many ways to look at this...
Let's start ...
You are not a touchy feely person so it's natural that you may not love this
Your ex was not this way so this didn't change you... but here is a question to think about .... Would you have wanted him to be more affectionate?
Your current boyfriend is very affectionate so with what we already know... how can this work ? especially since it seems like you are still interested in him?
Unfortunately you have to say something.
If you don't you will get so tired of it you will end up not being together.
If you do mention it to him you have a chance to make things better.
It's going to hurt his feelings however you can minimize it.
Set some boundaries. Maybe there are specific ways he shows his affection bothers you more than others?
For example maybe he hangs all over you in public and that bothers you more vs when you are in a private space.
Make sure you explain to him how you are (please don't mention the ex lol )
Explain to him that it doesn't mean you don't care and make sure you tell him that you appreciate him for putting it all out there however you need some things from him.
Something is also telling me do not mention space or distance it will come off cold
The words will come to you just be mindful of how you say it so you don't hurt his feelings.
This is going to be a tough conversation but it is necessary if you want to continue being in a relationship with him.
Ignoring it is not going to help however you have to make the choice on what you feel is best.
good luck!! xx
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I'm the exact same way.
I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 months now. I didn't mind holding hands but I hated when we would walk and he'd put his arms around me. It just always felt like constant contact. Or when we're out and at a store, he'd stop and pull me towards him and I really wasn't into it.
I thought maybe it would be something I'd have to get used to but I think he could tell that I wasn't feeling it so he asked me about it and then I told him the truth about how I'm just not a touchy person. So that would be my advice. I told him if it's something that he doesn't like, or that he needs someone who needs to be more touchy feely then I understood. But he did say he's fine with it.
So if it comes up again, let him know that you're just not a touchy person. You don't mind a little but not a whole lot. I'd let him know that if he needs someone who likes a lot of cuddling and all that, then this might not work out.
The other advisers seem to go a little out there with the psychological things or that you don't really like him.
So communication would be the best for this. My boyfriend understood and it's not that we don't touch at all, it's just not a constant thing.
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I wonder if you would feel this way if you liked him more. Something tells me you're not all about him. But I could be wrong. Some people are touchy feely, some aren't. I'd say just be upfront with him. You said you already told him, but you gotta tell him again and in a way where he doesn't feel rejected or that anything is his fault. Like "I'm not a touchy feely person and I like my personal space. Nothing against you, this is just how I am. I don't mean any offense by it. I don't mean to be mean, I don't mean to upset you. I just need you to understand that." Or maybe find a way to tell him in a way he can relate to. Someone invading his personal space like his mom or some relative or whatnot, I dunno. With guys you gotta be upfront and it may take a few times before they get it. If you just pull away to get away from him, then he might take it personal. Which is what he is doing. Guys aren't normally like this unless they're a little immature or don't have much experience in relationships. So they overdo things and don't respect boundaries. Perhaps he's a little too young for you.
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I can only base my advice on what you write. Had you written what you wrote in the rating I might have given different advice. Next time you write us take the time to give us everything concerning your problem. There is no limit on space.
I won't say your wrong to not want to be touched. What is a bit strange for your boyfriend is part of romance is snuggling on the couch and watching a movie. Then moving on to making out, yes even at your age, and eventually to have sex. It's a process all males are familiar with.
IF you won't let him snuggle with you then how do you move to the making out stage and into the sex stage. This is for him the normal process of a relationship. Without it he sees red flags and he is stuck for how to build a relationship with you.
For the sake of argument let's say you have jumped past the first two stages and gone right to having sex. While this is very enjoyable I'm sure, he is still confused He may be thinking are we building a relationship her or are we sex buddies.
There may be a deep seated reason why you don't like to be touched. One possibility is as a small child you may have been molested in some manner and it is in a repressed memory.
You might want to give yourself the opportunity to find out the why of your reasons behind not liking to be touched. This could be done in therapy with a psychologist.
If your working you company may have included with your health insurance and EAP program. If so contact the EAP coordinator and have them put you in touch with a therapist. Generally the program will pay for a certain amount of visits. IF you need more visits then they will pay for. Your health insurance most likely has a mental health benefit to assist with the cost.
As I said there is nothing wrong with not liking to be touched. Just unusual in a romantic situation.
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