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Have I ruined our friendship? What should I do?
I'm 16 years old, genderqueer (closeted).
This is a long story. Sorry.
About a year ago, I became friends with S, the concertmaster of my youth orchestra, and until ten days ago, we were gradually becoming closer. It has been a long and traumatic year for our group of friends, and that has made me seek emotional refuge in friendship more than I might usually. The simplest way to explain this trauma is to say that in May, one of our closest mutual friends died by suicide. (This friend, to whom I'll refer as B, was my stand partner in our youth orchestra.) And so it's been confusing and chaotic and terrifying already.
I realized in April that I had a crush on S, and for a long time I was pretty sure he was attracted to me too. In September, the youth orchestra season started up again, and it was really difficult to go back, as it was the first time we all were together in rehearsals since B died. My main coping method was talking to friends, particularly S. We tried to forget everything; S and I flirted a lot and were generally frivolous teenagers.
As time has gone on, things haven't become easy, but it has become easier to talk about it. S and I started talking about more serious things, like grief and music and our insecurities. I kind of tried to ask him out on Oct. 17, but it was way too public of a setting and thus ended really awkwardly. The weekend of Oct. 25, our orchestra had a run-out concert in another city, and on the bus, we sat together and talked the entire time. Since then, he hasn't talked to me once. I think I've scared him away by being so clingy; I think I've become too open too fast. Even worse, I get kind of nervous when we talk, and so I end up talking way too much and dominating the conversation. I feel bad and don't want this to be the end.
I want to stay friends with S for so many reasons. For one, I really like and respect him as a person and as a friend. It would be hard for me if our friendship was ruined simply because it would be a big loss, considering how good of friends we have been. We’ve known each other for a long time; it’s just that we were never close before a year ago. By “a long time” I mean three years, which doesn’t sound that long, especially considering that I’m a kid. However, our orchestra is a very tight-knit community, and you get to know people well without ever seeing them outside of the orchestra. The music business is really, really small, and everyone knows everybody. (For instance, the professional musicians who are now our teachers all know each other because they were in this same youth orchestra in high school!) Thus, it would be immensely alienating for me to lose my relationship with him. Lastly, it would be hard for me to cope, especially in addition to the grief with which I am already coping. I don’t want to lose any more of my best friends.
I’m going to see S tomorrow, at rehearsal. It’s actually a rehearsal for the beginning orchestra — we both volunteer. Since I’m already helping out, he doesn’t technically need to be there, and has been coming of his own volition. I have a few thoughts as to what I should do from here on out:
1. I could ask him tomorrow if I’ve made him uncomfortable, and apologize.
2. I could give him some space and not talk to him until he approaches me.
3. I could give him some space for a while (another week or two), then try to resolve things between us.
What do you think I should do?
Thank you, and sorry this was so long.
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I think you may be correct when you fear you came across as needy to your friend. 3 yrs is a good amt of time to know each other so unless you have changed much, then in your favor, your friend should know that these are some of the issues that come along with you. Being in your position, of anything variant in gender ID or sexual orientation is hard enough for adults to admit and even worse for teens. So don't be too hard on yourself as you truly do have a need to talk about issues related to that. Might I suggest your using a support group website set up for those with other gender ID's, because there you will find others like you with the same issues, and those who can explain how they handled situations, what the outcomes were, and what the best thing to do is, and what not to do. Just put in a search for LGBT teen support group and you should get plenty hits.
As to which of numbers 1,2,3 to go for, I vote for number 1, mainly because its a mistake to try to guess what the other will do. He could be waiting for you to approach him and say something while you wait for him to make the first move so neither does. Then as time goes on with neither talking first, both of you begin to wonder how hurt or pissed the other is and begin to think the worst possible thoughts of what might be happening. If both of you come to the conclusion in your minds that its over, then no one approaches the other and you both go on miserable without each other. Yes, some people need time to cool down if upset. If he wasn't visibly upset or yelling, then likely its okay to approach him and say something. Good luck.
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First of all do not refer to yourself as queer!
I understand why you said that but it has a negative tone and there is NOTHING wrong with being gay.
Own it! even if you are in the closet. There will come a time where the closet door will open and you need to be in a good place to handle your new life.
2nd I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Its tough losing friends especially that way. Make sure you take the time to grieve whenever you need to. Thats important.
As far as your friend...
to me it doesnt sound like you can wait. I dont think its a big deal to confront him and apologize. and you can ask him if everything is ok with you guys? and just let him know that you value his friendship and see where it goes from there.
Sometimes too much space makes things even more awkward in my opinion and this can be a quick conversation.
Good luck to you!! and remember to love who you are ! no more being queer ;)
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